Ditching girls on the first date

[Wilko]

My gut told me it might go down like this tonight. Had some drinks scheduled with a girl I last spoke to online over a year ago (originally had her in the too hard basket, then she contacted me a week ago). As it turns out, I wasn't attracted to her at all in person - they say attraction isn't a choice...they're not joking.

But, I forced myself to give it an earnest go for a few minutes to see if I could warm into it...not a chance. We were about to order drinks and it became pretty obvious that I needed to choose between faking it for the next hour and ditching her. I ditched her.

"Sam, love, I'm just not feeling this, sorry. I'm going to leave it there. Night." - and I left.

About as polite as I could be while still making a clean, decisive break. Blowback was minimal, just the one shocked text message telling me that I was incredibly rude. Which is par for the course, I've done this four, maybe five times over the last two years, and that's just how it goes.

Anyway, I don't recall that we've ever really talked about ditching girls here. Might be worth comparing notes.

 

[scrouds]

Good. No reason to suffer through anything. Their reaction doesn't matter.

 

[DJDamage]

Good. No reason to suffer through anything. Their reaction doesn't matter.

Yep.

The problem with some men ditching women on the first date or dumping them in general is that they over analyse this. Trust me, when a woman doesn't like you she doesn't really thinks about sparing your own feelings but rather thinks about how to get rid of you as fast as possible. This is why most men are shocked of how cold women can be when they dump men, because in a woman's mind she has already dumped you before she utters the actual words.

So her texing you that it was rude to how you did it, is simply giving her a taste of her own medicine. Most women think that they are the one's who should be in the position of rejecting someone so they get surprised when it becomes the other way around (beside's the b1tch waited a year to contact you so she probably rode the c0ck-carousal without thinking about you).

Part of the whole dating process is rejection and if a person can't take it then they may be the one with the problem.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I'd leave and laugh at her while she gets upset. Seriously. Fvck em. My time is valuable. If an online chick puts up old or misleading pics of herself (or put's "Thin" or "athletic" instead of "a few pounds more," then bye-eye No second chances, and if she reaches for me I slap her arm down.

 

[Robert28]

women are always saying they want to meet an honest guy! sounds like she got to meet one finally, just wasn't the "honest" she was looking for apparently. oh well, want in one hand and sh!t in the other and see which one fills up fastest.:rockon:

 

[Desdinova]

I always let the date go until completion. I don't mind because I choose an activity that I'm going to enjoy. That way, I'll enjoy a fun evening out even if she's not right for me. After that, I just never set up another date with her. I've upset a few women by doing this, but it's better than faking it for longer.

 

[Robert28]

I always let the date go until completion. I don't mind because I choose an activity that I'm going to enjoy. That way, I'll enjoy a fun evening out even if she's not right for me. After that, I just never set up another date with her. I've upset a few women by doing this, but it's better than faking it for longer.

I do that but ONLY if she isn't a complete 180 of what she's advertised herself to be. don't look 110 lbs in your pics and then show up 250 at the hoof and expect me to be overjoyed to see you. I mean not everyone always looks EXACTLY like their pics but good Lord don't put up skinny photos when you're secretly a hog beast.

 

[Desdinova]

I do that but ONLY if she isn't a complete 180 of what she's advertised herself to be. don't look 110 lbs in your pics and then show up 250 at the hoof and expect me to be overjoyed to see you. I mean not everyone always looks EXACTLY like their pics but good Lord don't put up skinny photos when you're secretly a hog beast.

My general rule-of-thumb for online dating is going on a coffee date first for the reasons that you state. If I've already met the woman in real life, She's already passed some of my screening and is entitled to an action date.

 

[Wilko]

Certainly, I used to grit my teeth and grind out sh!tty dates to spite myself, it really is masochistic and there's no need for it. The first time I ditched a date was a revelation - drug damaged ex model, trust me, you'd never suspect the model part, the drugs on the other hand.... - I escaped, the world didn't end, and contrary to feeling like a prick, I actually felt pretty damn good about the whole thing. The only repercussions then (and every time since) were a couple of angry text messages - which I quite happily ignored.

Nothing quite like acting with unapologetic self-interest. There's no need to trample on people of course, but no need to do things you don't enjoy (still consistent with what Robert28 and Desdinova are saying). Unless you're being remunerated, it's completely irrational to choose otherwise.

 

[drak_ool]

mad props to you brother for taking the high road and actually being honest with the chick about ditching her...

I've done it a couple times in the past when friends had set me up on blind dates (fvck that and fvck internet dating) but I simply left, once when the girl was in the bathroom and another time when she went outside for a smoke. Like the OP said, I just felt trapped and felt that spending another minute of my time with the chick was too much torture to endure.

That's why I like live pick ups, that way you know the physical attraction is there from the start, instead of chatting up a semi-stranger, only to realize the pics she posted were before she put on another 50lbs

 

[Wilko]

It is good to be honest no doubt, but just listen to this debacle I went through about 6 months ago... So I decided to hang out with a chick that I had been kinda chatting up on facebook. We knew each other from college vaguely. She partied in the same social circle. We ended up meeting and It was not working out in the least bit. I decided to just tell her that I was not feeling it and we should just end the date and go our separate ways. I was honest and sincere. Well next morning I go outside to my car and the window is bashed out and my car was completely keyed. She left me a note saying I was an A hole for treating her the way I did. "who do you think you are" kinda note. To make a long story short, she basically told me that I was an ugly piece of garbage that isnt sh*t. This girl was a nutjob.. I ended filing a police report but nothing came of it. About 2 months after that incident, I get another note on my car.. Mind you I ignored all her calls and texts. Deleted her number. The not said... U ready for this sh*t... drum roll please.... "Hey this is kaitlin, just wanted to know if we are still friends?" I took that ****ing note and crumpled it up and threw it in the street. So far nothing has come of it.... I always park my car outside my bedroom window and sleep with one eye open. I figure if she can get to my car, she may get to my throat... crazy sh*t.

Motherfvcker!

I knew this thread would turn up something like this eventually. You know, that's one of the few advantages online game does have over social circle in situations like this - a clean getaway.

 

[konmai]

you guys just need to meet up for something short like coffee first. if there's attraction, you can always extend the date. if not, what's 15mins?

 

[Robert28]

It is good to be honest no doubt, but just listen to this debacle I went through about 6 months ago... So I decided to hang out with a chick that I had been kinda chatting up on facebook. We knew each other from college vaguely. She partied in the same social circle. We ended up meeting and It was not working out in the least bit. I decided to just tell her that I was not feeling it and we should just end the date and go our separate ways. I was honest and sincere. Well next morning I go outside to my car and the window is bashed out and my car was completely keyed. She left me a note saying I was an A hole for treating her the way I did. "who do you think you are" kinda note. To make a long story short, she basically told me that I was an ugly piece of garbage that isnt sh*t. This girl was a nutjob.. I ended filing a police report but nothing came of it. About 2 months after that incident, I get another note on my car.. Mind you I ignored all her calls and texts. Deleted her number. The not said... U ready for this sh*t... drum roll please.... "Hey this is kaitlin, just wanted to know if we are still friends?" I took that ****ing note and crumpled it up and threw it in the street. So far nothing has come of it.... I always park my car outside my bedroom window and sleep with one eye open. I figure if she can get to my car, she may get to my throat... crazy sh*t.

it's sh!t like this that makes me, as a guy, NOT want to be honest with girls sometimes. not only did you man up and be honest with the whackjob, your personal property was damaged, you were harassed, your sense of peace was fvcked, all because of you being honest. it's not like she walked in her room and found you pounding away on her mom. why did nothing ever come of it? sounds like you had lots of proof (the letter she left on your windshield). i bet if you had so much as kicked her tire on her car you'd have gotten all kinds of charges brought against you.

 

[mrRuckus]

Nothing came of it because it was female on male crime, and thus unimportant.

They'd be kicking in his door if it were reversed.

 

[scrouds]

I wonder if a "I decided I don't want to cheat on my gf" line would work, sorry."
line would do better in situations like these? Or worse maybe?

 

[iqqi]

Good grief, where is your honor, "men"?

There is your immediate opening to hit me with the "woman how dare thou shame me!" mantra. But please, consider your character....

What is more important than a man's word?

I can't imagine making plans with someone, and then because of something on the superficial side, just ditching them. A date is a plan to get together to do something, to see if you click. If you don't, you don't. No more dates necessary. But to just ditch someone immediately is tacky and yes, beyond rude. I, a woman no less, who does not have honor or morality, could not imagine doing that to someone just because I wasn't "clicking" or "attacted" to them. I made the plans, it's only an hour or two, then it's over. Make the best of it! Make your first dates easier and quicker to finish if necessary! But don't inflict harm on someone's emotions so caustically.

The only time it is acceptable to ditch someone is if they are a raging b!tch or as$hole. Then serve it to them. But just a normal Joe or Jane, who doesn't suit your fancy, doesn't deserve that sh!t.

So yes, this is a shaming post. Shame on you, and any man or woman who is so flawed in character.

 

[Jitterbug]

iqqi's shaming you is like getting the stamp of approval from the Universe.

Well ditching a chick like the OP isn't that cool, but we men would only condemn his action if women condemn other women for the zillion of sh1tty things you do to men on dates, like flaking and using men's resources to entertain yourselves. I'm not seeing that happening anywhere.

For us, there's no point occupying the ground so high you can't even see what the Enemies are doing.

Just watch out for the real psychos, OP.

 

[Wilko]

Flip it around. I sure as hell wouldn't expect a woman to go through an elaborate (and deceitful) charade to make me feel better about the fact that she's not attracted to me, and to convince herself that she's acted "honourably".

I don't need to tell myself that I'm a "good guy". Provided I pay my own way in this life, and I don't steal from, or defraud others, I'm right with myself.

Having said that, I think it's actually kinder and ultimately less traumatic for women when men accept the "a$$hole" role in situations like this - I don't try and take that crutch away from them, i.e. yes, I'm a callous a$$hole, end of story, absolutely no need to reevaluate your true SMV, carry on.

 

[backbreaker]

Flip it around. I sure as hell wouldn't expect a woman to go through an elaborate (and deceitful) charade to make me feel better about the fact that she's not attracted to me, and to convince herself that she's acted "honourably".

I don't need to tell myself that I'm a "good guy". Provided I pay my own way in this life, and I don't steal from, or defraud others, I'm right with myself.

Having said that, I think it's actually kinder and ultimately less traumatic for women when men accept the "a$$hole" role in situations like this - I don't try and take that crutch away from them, i.e. yes, I'm a callous a$$hole, end of story, absolutely no need to reevaluate your true SMV, carry on.

lol see that's the thing. lol THEY ARE RIGHT when they tell me that. I know i am a selfish prick. I know that besides my wife or my sister I really am not all that considerate of women's feelings whatsoever. you aren't telling me **** I don't already know, you aren't miss cleo or anything.

It is good to be honest no doubt, but just listen to this debacle I went through about 6 months ago... So I decided to hang out with a chick that I had been kinda chatting up on facebook. We knew each other from college vaguely. She partied in the same social circle. We ended up meeting and It was not working out in the least bit. I decided to just tell her that I was not feeling it and we should just end the date and go our separate ways. I was honest and sincere. Well next morning I go outside to my car and the window is bashed out and my car was completely keyed. She left me a note saying I was an A hole for treating her the way I did. "who do you think you are" kinda note. To make a long story short, she basically told me that I was an ugly piece of garbage that isnt sh*t. This girl was a nutjob.. I ended filing a police report but nothing came of it. About 2 months after that incident, I get another note on my car.. Mind you I ignored all her calls and texts. Deleted her number. The not said... U ready for this sh*t... drum roll please.... "Hey this is kaitlin, just wanted to know if we are still friends?" I took that ****ing note and crumpled it up and threw it in the street. So far nothing has come of it.... I always park my car outside my bedroom window and sleep with one eye open. I figure if she can get to my car, she may get to my throat... crazy sh*t.

I guran-fvcking-tee you right now if you called her later tongiiht and just said point blank "come over I want to see you" she woudl come and vck your brains out. no questions asked. If for no other reason than for her to get the validation that she needs to know that you do actually like her a little. but you could not ask her to come over, you would have to tell her to. she would.


i can't fault a guy for being hoenst. i've been on dates that i knew mintues in wasn't going to work but then again I'm not screening for wifes when i go out anyway usually it's just time for me to get out hte house. hold a conversation, be nice, just enjoy it for what it is. but i can't fault a guy for being that blunt and honest.

I've only left a girl on a date once and it was beucase she kept checking her phone while she was with me and i was not in the best of moods and i gave her cab fair and told her to catch a cab and i went home.

 

[AW1983]

Good grief, where is your honor, "men"?

This coming from an admitted internet stalker haha.

Maybe just walking out while they're in the bathroom is slightly less than "honorable" but being straight foward and honest so as to not waste your time or theirs is the epitome of Honorable to me. Losing precious irretrievable minutes of your life in order to preserve someone else's "feeeeelings" or ego has nothing to do with honor kiddo. But you probably wouldn't know that since Honor is a concept primarily devised and adhered to by MEN.

I've only left a girl on a date once and it was beucase she kept checking her phone while she was with me and i was not in the best of moods and i gave her cab fair and told her to catch a cab and i went home.

Everyone here should take note of this. When I'm with or talking to a girl she gets one warning in a teasing but critical way, and then I'm off to go converse with someone else. That sh!t is UNACCEPTABLE. I even know (huge AFC's btw) guys that will do that sh!t while you're standing there having a conversation. I call them out once and if they persist I walk away without an explanation. That is the rudest action to have a person speaking to you, in your physical PRESENCE, and to be prioritizing someone somewhere else via texting them. Give me a break.