Alright, so I'm one of those sad, sorry cases that's in his first year at college, and tried to continue a relationship from high school. The girl (we'll call her Tina) is down in Virginia. I'm in Boston. We were together for a year and a half before college, and it was, by any standard, an incredibly successful relationship (our longest fight in those 18 months lasted an hour). I had stumbled upon this website as a mere youngin' of 16 (I'm 19 now, early birthday), so I already knew and used plenty of the tactics. Tina was pretty much wrapped around my finger the entire time we were together. I had no question at all as to who had final say in the relationship, but I didn't abuse it.
So when college time came, we spent a lot of time talking about how we would handle it. We both had heard infinite stories about people who tried to stay together, and it lasted a month or two before suspicion and jealousy brought everything down. So I floated the idea of having an "open relationship" out, our definition being that it's college, it's four years of partying and drunkenness. The random college hookups that happen so often wouldn't be out of bounds. We agreed, however, that getting seriously involved with someone else was against the rules.
So a couple months go by and everything seems to be working fine, until I get a call about a week and a half ago. Tina tells me she's going out for dinner with some guy on Friday. At first, I don't think much of it, but as the week goes on I definitely detect something unusual. So I ask a few specific questions, and slowly discover over the course of a couple long conversations that she's developed a pretty strong attachment to this guy, and wants to date him regularly. Of course, this is a big no-no, and I say as much. She starts defending her position with the tactic I knew would come out sooner or later - I am the only guy she's ever dated, the only guy she's ever done anything more with than kiss, the only guy she's ever been emotionally attached to. She claims she needs to experience something else before knowing for sure how far our relationship can go. After some more talks, I realize that her dating this other guy, however briefly, is on a collision course. Trying to pull a power move and telling her that it wasn't what we agreed on and that she can't do it will only result in a complete breakup and her dating this guy soon enough anyway.
Now, I've seen this happen with several other couples in similar circumstances (of course, it's always been the girl who's needed to "explore"). Sometimes, a little time passes and they get back together, both realizing how good their relationship was. Sometimes, it all falls apart. After more conversations with Tina, I decided that the best thing to give her was exactly what she wanted. She has been strongly hinting that she wanted to date this guy all while still talking with me, leaning on me, essentially wanting to turn me into a friend. I told her that that was not going to happen. Period. She'd have all the space to explore that she wanted, because after this call, that would be it from me. I wouldn't call, email, text message, even come by when I'm home (I live in VA) until she's figured out exactly what she wants and can answer my questions about what's going on with something other than "I don't know." I also told her that I wouldn't be twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to have her new "experience," and that whenever she does figure her **** out, there are no guarantees. I can explore just as much as she can. When she's had a couple months without me, when she knows exactly what's different between me and other guys, when she's had enough of the rest of the world that she can tell me what she wants, then she can call. The line's always open.
Then I said goodbye hung up.
The truth is, I really want this to end in some sort of salvaging of the relationship, this time operating how it should. This guy she's interested in isn't the result of a hookup, she hasn't done anything with him yet, so if I get a call in a while saying what a mistake this all was and how she wants me back, I'd be aiming to go with the plan we had in September. Mainly, I've got 2 questions: 1) Was the ultimatum the right way to go? And 2) How should I react if I do get the "I fvcked up, I want you back" call? I'm not just gonna let her completely off the hook, she's gotta really work at it and show me she really knows it was a mistake, but I don't want to be a hardass to the point that it wrecks the chance for everything to come back together.
If you've read through that whole novel, thanks. Any help is appreciated.
So when college time came, we spent a lot of time talking about how we would handle it. We both had heard infinite stories about people who tried to stay together, and it lasted a month or two before suspicion and jealousy brought everything down. So I floated the idea of having an "open relationship" out, our definition being that it's college, it's four years of partying and drunkenness. The random college hookups that happen so often wouldn't be out of bounds. We agreed, however, that getting seriously involved with someone else was against the rules.
So a couple months go by and everything seems to be working fine, until I get a call about a week and a half ago. Tina tells me she's going out for dinner with some guy on Friday. At first, I don't think much of it, but as the week goes on I definitely detect something unusual. So I ask a few specific questions, and slowly discover over the course of a couple long conversations that she's developed a pretty strong attachment to this guy, and wants to date him regularly. Of course, this is a big no-no, and I say as much. She starts defending her position with the tactic I knew would come out sooner or later - I am the only guy she's ever dated, the only guy she's ever done anything more with than kiss, the only guy she's ever been emotionally attached to. She claims she needs to experience something else before knowing for sure how far our relationship can go. After some more talks, I realize that her dating this other guy, however briefly, is on a collision course. Trying to pull a power move and telling her that it wasn't what we agreed on and that she can't do it will only result in a complete breakup and her dating this guy soon enough anyway.
Now, I've seen this happen with several other couples in similar circumstances (of course, it's always been the girl who's needed to "explore"). Sometimes, a little time passes and they get back together, both realizing how good their relationship was. Sometimes, it all falls apart. After more conversations with Tina, I decided that the best thing to give her was exactly what she wanted. She has been strongly hinting that she wanted to date this guy all while still talking with me, leaning on me, essentially wanting to turn me into a friend. I told her that that was not going to happen. Period. She'd have all the space to explore that she wanted, because after this call, that would be it from me. I wouldn't call, email, text message, even come by when I'm home (I live in VA) until she's figured out exactly what she wants and can answer my questions about what's going on with something other than "I don't know." I also told her that I wouldn't be twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to have her new "experience," and that whenever she does figure her **** out, there are no guarantees. I can explore just as much as she can. When she's had a couple months without me, when she knows exactly what's different between me and other guys, when she's had enough of the rest of the world that she can tell me what she wants, then she can call. The line's always open.
Then I said goodbye hung up.
The truth is, I really want this to end in some sort of salvaging of the relationship, this time operating how it should. This guy she's interested in isn't the result of a hookup, she hasn't done anything with him yet, so if I get a call in a while saying what a mistake this all was and how she wants me back, I'd be aiming to go with the plan we had in September. Mainly, I've got 2 questions: 1) Was the ultimatum the right way to go? And 2) How should I react if I do get the "I fvcked up, I want you back" call? I'm not just gonna let her completely off the hook, she's gotta really work at it and show me she really knows it was a mistake, but I don't want to be a hardass to the point that it wrecks the chance for everything to come back together.
If you've read through that whole novel, thanks. Any help is appreciated.
