difficult situation

[Siemer]

Okay here is the deal,

it is bugging me very much so some good advice would be appreciated.

There is this girl, i'll call her Mary, which i had a sexual relationship with for 3 years. The deal was clear, if one of us get someone else it stops. Well that didnt exactly work. after the first year she got a guy, i was jealous ****ed up etc, but we continued to sleep with each other. Mind you, she broke up with the guy very quickly (one week). A few months later I had a girlfriend then, and Mary totaly flipped out on me (she is very jealous) the same way i did actually but still we continued. We fell in love with each other several times but each time it was one sided.. so nothing really came out of it. And still we continued. So as these three years went by we got closer and closer also because of these other bf/gf we had.

But since she is somewhat older then me she now feels she is ready for a relationship. And this is my first doubt. I really really dig her but for some reason i cant see us having a relationship.

So last may she hookes up with this guy. And even before she goes on a date with him she comes to see me and we fool around. By know i already know that it wont last (the thing between her and him) and it doesnt. The guy treats her bad and it lasts 2 weeks (they only kissed) after they broke up i meet her again but she gives no signal that she wants to sleep with me (although we slept with each other for 3 years everytime we saw eachother..and i mean everytime) so i get confused and ask her whats going on. She tells me she needs a break with boys etc. Okay i can imagine this since she really wanted to build up something with this guy and he breaks up with her.. she must have felt really bad. So i continue to see her 2/3 times but still no sign of sleeping with me, we still have fun though. Then july comes , I hear nothing from her, my birthday comes ,she sends me a text message but not something like before. Then she wants to meet me and tells me that she has got another guy. Almost 3 weeks after she broke up with this other guy. So she lied to me saying that she doesnt want any other boy around. I take it quite good, since i matured alot in the past 3 years. Idont get mad i say im happy for her and to let it rest. But again i knew this thing between him and her wouldnt last, and i was right. WE meet again after not seeing each other for 5 weeks and we have dinner. She says she wants to break up with this guyetc... she talks alot about him during this meal and i start to feel bad. The usual jealous thoughts cross my mind while she is talking about this guy. and i havent had this for a long time. So afterwards i get upset (not with her around) and i decide to sleep with someone else.. just out of revenge.. for me atleast since i havent told her.

Now the thing is... we get along very well, and i like her very much. But it just breaks me to hear she is with other guys.. because of the three years we had. And now that she broke up she wants my attention again, but not the sex (and i dont know if i want sex with her again, for me it feels like that i want her to have sex with me so that i can reject her and make her feel the "pain") And i dont even know if im jealous, because ive been jealous before but it doesnt feel like before.. i keep alot calmer and it doesnt keep me up at night but still.. i want some sort of revenge.

something tells me i so just let go, but there is also something that tells me, tell her you slept with someone else (i know she would be heartbroken) but that feels so immature. And i still like her.

i also dont have problems getting other girls, but it seems that they do not live up to her, although i know this is an AFC thought i cant get rid of it.

some advice would be helpfull, kick me back into DJhood please

 

[squirrels]

Dude...you have to let her go. If I had to take a guess, she wants out, as per the original terms of your relationship, but she still has feelings for you. Now you're not even GETTING ANY...my guess is that you're being friendzoned.

Don't sleep with people out of spite, sleep with them because you WANT to. It sounds like you've been waiting around too long...what would she think if she left one time and came back to you only to find you're not there?

Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out, we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin'. Just left. I don't know much, but I know that. -Good Will Hunting

Kick YOURSELF back into DJhood. You're better than this kind of go-nowhere relationship. I mean, stay around if you want, but don't be surprised when it's completely run into the ground and you've wasted time you could've spent looking for the REAL "one", or at least the ten or twenty others who made life interesting for you.

Be man enough to know when to walk away and let go.

 

[DJ_Dork]

yep, ditch her dude.. i can't believe you had her as sexual backup. friends with benefits works out if both of you are not looking for anyone but once you do, all relationship should drop. the fact that you didn't and you became her sexual release - she only sees you as that.

 

[TesuqueRed]

She's talking about other guys with you--??? As in, you're being put into the LJBF zone by the sounds of it. The no-sex thing seems to confirm it, too.

And the old arrangements seem to no longer work for both of you, particularly since you've matured a fair amount in the last few years.

With the revenge-fvcks, the LJBF'ing, the jealousies etc., it sounds like the current set-up is no longer working or healthy. I would think it is clear that the relationship, as currently configured, has to come to an end.

And ending it will likely have a mandatory time apart (you won't like that part...) so that you develop and mature apart from the ruts and conditioned unhealthy behavior that you now have with her.

With her, though, you may be able to turn it around and get her interested in you again sexually and romantically. I think you will have to cut contact for a time and then limit contact after that. The limited contact must count, though---as in, date her again on new terms. Allow that relationship to emerge this time.

Someone posted recently (within 6 weeks) and there are some excellent, ancient posts about how to turn a LJBF around. Go search, it'll be a good exercise. Keep in mind--95% of the time I don't recommend that course of action since most guys aren't ready to pull it off, but I think you could if you read up on it, develop a plan and execute.

Good luck.

And if you try it, you must post about results, especially if it works. If you don't post what you learned, may your balls wither and drop off!

 

[Siemer]

thnx guys, i will keep you all updated on the situation. Perhaps this could be a good experiment