Did Too Much Too Early.... And Paying the Price

[Nickster]

Well, I goofed with a woman that I was quite attracted to. Through date number four, she had a high interest level and did what she could to spend time/date me, even if it meant adjusting her schedule. Our dates were fairly casual and consisted of cycling (both she and I ride a lot), and me buying her dinner. Each time we would go out, she would reference doing something in the future.

Then came date #4. It was for a Saturday night, and her birthday was the following Monday. I had two season theatre tickets and invited her to a musical. Before the event, I took her to a nice restaurant and afterwards, I took her to a restaurant overlooking the city where we had some wine. I made sure to tell her it was her birthday present from me. On her actual birthday, I called and left a message on her cell phone telling her happy birthday and saying "I'm really enjoying getting to know you."

The following weekend she became sick with what she thought was a kidney stone and we didn't see each other. (And she really did undergo blood tests, etc.) Since I didn't see her, and wanted to do something for her while she was sick, I made up a creative care package with dumb stuff like chicken noodle soup, Tylenol, etc.) I spent about ten dollars on it all. She found it on her apartment step and called to tell me how much she liked it.

Next weekend she had me come over to assemble her stereo surround sound system. I thought that it was fun to just hang out with her. We ended up watching a movie together on the system afterwards. After kissing at the door, she remarked how her apartment would be "a lot cleaner the next time I was over."

Three days later, I called her, and she never returned my call. Finally, after a week of not hearing from her, I left a message on her phone asking her out for Saturday and telling me to call her back soon so I could make alternative plans, if necessary.

She did call back, and left me a message stating that she "had plans and couldn't go." She was cordial, but I feel that things are essentially over.

What I learned is this: DO NOT spend a lot, or do anything too "cutsey" on a girl until she has proven her interest in you. If you do, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that she will "flake out" on you and move to another guy who is more of a challenge.

Even though I know I didn't handle it right, I'm a little pi**ed off about the whole thing. I'm not trying to buy her affection, but it's frustrating when the nice things you do actually hurt the relationship rather than help it. Plus, blowing off my phone call after dating for a month is rather rude in my book. (Although I know most people do it, I guess I expected more from her. I know, I know, take her off that pedistal.)

Oh well, this is how women work, and I'm going to be much more careful the next time. Next!

Nick

 

[Ol'BlueEyes]

why didn't you make a move on her at her place?

Kinda tough to call, but my gut tells me you should've done more than just biking and buying her dinner every time. Throw a little variety in there, ya know?
I think the kicker was the fact that she had you in her apartment and you didn't make a move. It was from that point when the temperature between you both got considerably colder. Actually, it didn't sound like it was that hot to begin with.

 

[backbreaker]

honestly, I don't think you played it THAT bad. Yes you could have done a couple of things differently, but even Don Jaun himself isn't a DJ all of the time.

The only thing I reallyl see that stood out was the lack of kinko or so in the first 4 dates. I have no problem with the dinner (it was her B-DAY, onlly comes once a year, make her feel special), I had no problem with the get better package, hell I might use that myself.

I think her IL is high enough on you that if you left her alone for a couple of weeks you can prettty much get a clean slate.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Two things. One, youre exactly right when it comes to doing to nice of things early on. More times than not, if you express high IL and do all kinds of nice things within the first month or two, your dead. You are much better off being aloof and mysterious.

Two, you should have tapped that ass or at least gotten to third base by now. Almost gauranteed she doesnt respect you because you failed to make a major move, and was disspaointed. Live and learn my friend.

 

[Dirtheart]

Sounds very familiar. I can understand you being p*ssed off as she showed you high interest, talked about future dates and let you think you could drop your guard. So it feels like a betrayal when she suddenly starts getting ignorant for no apparent reason.

Here's my suggestion. When you next speak to her tell her that you'd like to remain friends, but you just want to make it clear you won't be taken for granted. But leave it at that and don't fall for any guilt trips she will probably lay on you (i.e. "I didn't mean to take you for granted").

This worked for me once and she started showing interest in me again, but sadly I fell for a guilt trip and ended up apologising for what I said - big mistake.

 

[backbreaker]

dirtheart you are r ight, I learned that to. HB's of around 8 or higher are s o used to sputting crap that most men if any will ever call them on. I do this and you would be suprised at some of the responses I get.

just tell her exactly how you feel. You are interested in her but she has to show you something more than what's going on now, otherwise you will have to spend your time elsewere because this would be pointless.

 

[undesputable]

she never planned on having sex with you, those couple of times you took her out was just for her to enjoy of nice dinners out and all the attention you gave her....she got tired of you and went for another fresh guy who would basically do the same you did, she basically used you....

 

[Nickster]

Thanks for the Feedback

I think you guys are right on the lack of kino. While she and I are both pretty conservative when it comes to sex, I probably could have done more during the DVD at her place. As it ended up, I held her for the duration of the movie, and then just kissed her good night.

I have also thought whether there is a next step, or to write the whole thing off. She didn't specify what she was doing this weekend, and if she was still interested, I think she would have provided a more detailed excuse. (I assumed that she had another date.) What really gets me is that she blew off my call. Early on, she would e-mail and apologize for missing my call from the night before.

She works in academia, and is buried in giving and grading finals for the next couple of weeks, so I thought I would wait until later in the month and then call her again. If and when we do talk next, I will be firm with her about how I feel and what I expect.

 

[TOOBAD]

This is a good post to show us DJ's what NOT to do in the "casual dating, building intamacy stages"

First and Foremost; 1st date: Check interest level. if above 59% close on nothing more than a "Goodnight". No kiss, no next date arrangement. Below 59% go for a kiss close to see reaction, you may not have another chance anyway.

2nd Date: Wait at least a week then arrange date, grade interest level, use kino, but not too strongly, if you get the invite inside, interest is 65% or higher, Bridge to kiss, take-away kiss first, leave earlier than expected.

3rd and 4th dates: Timed weekly. No presents, increase kino, kissing, take away first always. If interest level high; 65-80%, the kissing will be instigated by her, this is how you can easily grade IL.

Keep up challenge and you should not incounter too many problem in the first month. Never ever, talk to answering machine, NEVER!

Cheers!

 

[Hollowpoint]

I agree with backbreaker, it wasn't bad at all!
Though you may have considered helping her shower and giving her a massage to loosen up after all the crazy strenuous bike riding!


When she said something about her place being cleaner next time you were over, slap her ass and comment on how naughty she is. If she is shocked, and as she is recovering, say with a wink "I like that!" and grin.

C+F if that's your style.



Uh, yeah, more kino! I think the small care package was good, showed thought and compassion, while not being expensive. *Shrugs*


"While she and I are both pretty conservative when it comes to sex, I probably could have done more during the DVD at her place. "

OMG YOU DID THE DVD?!?!?!

 

[Tails]

what is: C+F

forgive me for not knowing.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

kissing at the door after 4 dates? You wild man you. Hope that didn't scare her away. What's next on the agenda? Perhaps removing your shoes after the 10th date or so, but only if you dare.

 

[drmeathead]

I had a similar situation in which the girl acted interested early so I let my guard down. I took her out on a Friday and we both had a three day weekend and she was asking me out the next two days. Then the games started then she just flaked. It sucks especially when you like the girl.


What I have learned and maybe this can help you is to let her go. Dont call her. It is tough but let the ball in her court as long as you can. Eventually you may break down and call her if you havent found other girls (which I strongly suggest you do as it helped me even if it were just ONS). Save that call in to peace her out. Dont let her have the final say in how things end. If nothing else it is better for your psyche to "end" things. Besides she may call you.

Anytime is too early. I will never let another girl "in" till they tell me they are in love with me. With this past girl I didnt bare my soul to but I did treat her as though she had been around forever and was always gonna be. Girls, the hotter they are, have proportionately lower loyalty to you until they tell you they love you. They know they can get any guy, so they dont care if they screw you over in the beginning. Girls are all about themselves. Treat them as if you expect them to be gone the next day till you hear those three little words.

I am not saying be rude or hostile as you are anticipating them breaking your heart. Yuo should never do that becuase they should never be in a position to break your heart early on. Treat them as you would any other girl.

 

[Tails]

right. i never fall in love with a girl when it's only even into a month or two of dating, perhaps even more. i just try not to make myself fall in love, even though sometimes it's inevitable. but it's the best thing to do if you don't want a broken heart for falling in love before she does. this way, if you're not in love after a month of dating and she dumps your ass, you can walk away no problems. save you so much pain.

like drmeathead says, wait until she starts falling for you. then you can slowly fall for her. it's just safer that way. meanwhile, you can still have fun, be best friends, even have feelings for her, but just don't fall for her so fast. because believe me, the pain is not worth it.

 

[backbreaker]

guys, seriously don't bash this guy. He made a mistake, and everyone here has made the same mistake once or even more than once in their lifetimes. Don't act like just did something that we all just don't do.

Talis, C + F means ****y + Funny. I am not a believer in C&F because I believe that if you are not naturally C&F you can't "cut it on" or else it will be fake. If you want to be C&F it's something you have to work on BEING, not something that you can cut on at any point in time.

Anyway, I wouldn't loose to much sleep over this chick. You seem like a good guy, and regardless if you have had sex with her or not, she should be able to see that. IF the only reason she is flaking on you is lack of sex, forget her. For all she knows, you could be having serious problems and dont want to have sex now. Damn I can't stand women.

That's one rule I do have however, and that's I don't fix anything for anyone who is not my GF or I am not having sex with. I just don't have the time, even if I did, it isn't worth it.

 

[Nickster]

Some Good Comments

This feedback has been pretty good (except for the smarta$$ stuff about taking off shoes on the 10th date), and it reinforces what I already knew.

I guess the reason that I'm rather frustrated is her completely blowing off my call. Even if she's seeing another guy, why is she just severing the relationship so abruptly. It's like I did something really wrong. She's in a large organization that I also belong to, so it's not like we're not going to see each other again.

I know that I need to be more thick-skinned, but I feel that she is being pretty unkind. It's okay if she wants to move on, I just want some measure of respect. Next time I'll be a little more careful to ensure that a girl doesn't just take me for granted.

I'll lay low for at least two weeks and see what happens. Maybe she will call me first - but I'm moving on and am not counting on it.

 

[backbreaker]

i really, really hate to say this, and I am not bashing you, but you sound like a woman.

"i need to be more thick-skinned?"

"I felt that she was being pretty unkind?"

"I'm rather frustrated is her completely blowing off my call"


These are things woman say to men, and to myself at times.

Yes you do need to be thick skinned but you should already be thick skinned.

So what if she is being unkind. She is being stupid, that what she is if she is not talking to you. That I can laugh at.
There was one girl I wanted for a while, and because of my job I never really go to spend alot of time with her, and there are times I am so fuatrated or so stressed out, I can look perfectlly normal, but I can't think about having sex. She told me one day when I called that she needed to move on because I don't show her enough emotions or give her enough time. I saw her in the mall one day, not to long ago, and I guess she was with this guy. She couldn't even look me in the eye. I know of the guy, and I know he is a manager at Best Buy. I just laughed it off and wished her the best, because it was clearly her loss, not mine.

So what if she blows off your call. Call someone else. I blow off calls all of the time. There are times where I don't want to be bothered by anyone.

Really, I would just date someone else and if she brings up the fact that you don't try to call her anymore, tell her she isn't wroth the trouble. Seriously. Watch her response and IL go up though the roof.

 

[DJ_Dork]

Here's a tip (including myself) for you: Always see any potential girl as a f-buddy. Just concentrate on the sex part. If you haven't AT LEAST fingered her kitty by the 3rd date.. you're heading for hell. If a girl doesn't want you to go any further than that.. then you know that she doesn't want you sexually - NEXT.

 

[backbreaker]

humm... pretty good rule of thumb.

I wouldn't be set in stone about the 3rd date.. It's a great standard though. Definatly anything after the 4th.

 

[drmeathead]

Nickster

The girl I was telling you about puled the same thing. Her last words to me were Ill call you Friday. She called me that night and apologized for standing me up. Told me some sob story about fighting with her roommate. Even went into detail about where she was moving to. There is no way I thought from the conversation we had it would be the last time I heard from her.

My mistake in this was that I fell for her hard and early like I said. But I never saw this coming. It didnt sit with me either. I am very logical person and some thing this illogical (from my point of view) didnt sit too well with me. I couldnt see what was actually going on (she just NEXTED me) and I called her and kept giving her excuses because she couldn really have dumped me like that because it didn make sense.

I feel for you. A girl owes you a reason (and you would owe her as well) if you go out on a date AFTER which she calls you. To skip out on somebody is never cool. It is real simple if you dont like the person at all after the date, dont call. After a few days they will figure it out. But if you like a person enough to call them AFTER a date then you owe that person a reason if you decide to stop calling.

Doing what is right isnt always easy and doing what is easy isnt always right.