Did I deal with this AFC correctly?

[Schadenfreudianslip]

A few months ago, my former lab partner contacted me very enthusiastically via Facebook, Myspace, and my school email all at once, saying that we'd have to hang out and catch up on good times. I only vaguely remembered him, but chatted a bit because we had concentric social circles. However, the next few weeks made it painfully obvious that he was trying to pick me up AFC style. He'd email me saying, "Remember to contact me with when you're coming up to visit your family!" about every week or two, and Facebook poke me pretty much daily. When I offered to buy him lunch in return for him getting me the school's free antivirus (I NEVER ask a favor without giving compensation), he vehemently refused and told me that I was to be taken out for whatever I wanted. This guy was throwing himself at my feet begging to be a doormat. Sycophants make me sick.

At the beginning, I told him that I'd tell him that I would inform him when I scheduled my vacation to my hometown, but I wouldn't know until pretty much last minute due to scheduling my vacation around my job. He stopped a few weeks later, and I hoped that he had gotten the hint and would wait for my announcement rather than bug me. However, he started up again, complete with demands to be my doormat. I realized that I would rather gargle a bucket of diarrhea than endure his puppy dog presence. I told him that his persistence was annoying and borderline obsessive, and that I did not want to see him. He emailed me whining that I should have told him, and that he was sorry because he's so hopeless with girls. I did not respond, as people like him will try to argue every point like the opportunistic parasites that they are. Thankfully, he has not bugged me further.

Yeah, I was probably a bit harsh, but I wanted to sh!t or get off the pot. Like AW girls with issues, AFCs will cling and drain, taking every bit of attention they can whether it is positive or negative. Even if I had told him gently, he probably would have still clung on and I'd end up being his emotional tampon, adviser, shrink, and an overall charity case for an AFC who needs to learn the hard way. It's not my job to teach him. Even if I had, I would still eventually probably be called a d!cktease for not dating such a "Nice Guy" such as him, as well as drained due to constant whining. Believe me, AFCs and Nice Guys are as bad as AWs.

Did I do the right thing? Would you DJs have done something similar?

 

[KontrollerX]

A bit harsh for sure but I can say with authority you are my kind of woman.

Not about material things or needing to be tended to.

Its all likely about chemistry with you.

Good work.

 

[The Bat]

Oh boy, I thought you were a dude at first until I read Kontroller's comment...

I probably would have just told him that I'm not into guys and rainbows...

Scratch that, I forgot you were a girl...

Umm, if it was an AFC girl I was dealing with, I would just cut contact and not respond to any of her messages. Because chances of me seeing her in person would be very slim...in this situation...so why bother dealing with the drama in the first place...

 

[Schadenfreudianslip]

Oh boy, I thought you were a dude at first until I read Kontroller's comment...

I probably would have just told him that I'm not into guys and rainbows...

Scratch that, I forgot you were a girl...

Umm, if it was an AFC girl I was dealing with, I would just cut contact and not respond to any of her messages. Because chances of me seeing her in person would be very slim...in this situation...so why bother dealing with the drama in the first place...

Yep, I'm a Dos Equis (2 X-chromosomes). It's okay, I was mistaken for a boy when I was 13 and had short hair.

Yeah, I could have ignored him, but the problem with ignoring people is that some people are so dense that they have their own gravitational fields. This guy was contacting me via four different ways (Facebook, MySpace, email, AIM) quite regularly. Also, our concentric social circles within a small own would have ensured that he would have found out about when I came to visit, so I decided to take matters in my own hands by telling him straight off and avoid the risk of him "showing up" with some of our other friends.

I make it a policy to tell things up front rather than let stuff spiral out of control in the other person's head. People aren't psychic, and plenty more people are stupid. For example, I once played dumb when a nosy, catty classmate was getting into some personal business. Since I didn't tell her to MYOB and FO, she spread it like wildfire and I almost got kicked out of school for something I didn't do. Yes, I'm seen as a b*tch for confrontations no matter how tactful (not that I was tactful when kicking this AFC to the curb, as my main priority was to sh!t or get off the pot) and not falling for AFCs, but I've found that it's better to be only a b*tch than a lying, indecisive b*tch.

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

There's advantages and disadvantages to the different approaches of trying to get someone to bugger off. I personally prefer women to be blunt, direct, and honest with me. A simple "not interested" or the like is much better than a "if I didn't already have a bf," or "I just broke up with my bf and I'm not looking for another guy right now," or whatever other lame thing girls say (I suppose it's a good sign that I can't even think of them). Knowing your target is not interested lets you move on and know they aren't attracted to you, but a lot of the "I'll let him down easy" things that girls say leave a little hope and make it seem like the girl likes the guy but that there is some other outside thing that is in the way. Knowing you messed up allows you to evaluate what you did and try and learn from your mistakes. If you don't know that you messed up, there is nothing constructive to be gained.

I'm certain my ideas could have been expressed more concisely, but you get the picture.

 

[Schadenfreudianslip]

There's advantages and disadvantages to the different approaches of trying to get someone to bugger off. I personally prefer women to be blunt, direct, and honest with me. A simple "not interested" or the like is much better than a "if I didn't already have a bf," or "I just broke up with my bf and I'm not looking for another guy right now," or whatever other lame thing girls say (I suppose it's a good sign that I can't even think of them). Knowing your target is not interested lets you move on and know they aren't attracted to you, but a lot of the "I'll let him down easy" things that girls say leave a little hope and make it seem like the girl likes the guy but that there is some other outside thing that is in the way. Knowing you messed up allows you to evaluate what you did and try and learn from your mistakes. If you don't know that you messed up, there is nothing constructive to be gained.

I'm certain my ideas could have been expressed more concisely, but you get the picture.

I completely agree on the "let him off easy" way being harmful. That's why I don't even stay friends with the AFCs whose advances I reject. AFCs will take whatever they can get and worm their way into your life, often getting frustrated and lashing out because their actions aren't evoking the desired results. Sometimes, even an "I'm not interested" will make them pursue all the more, with sycophant willingness to become whatever you want and do whatever it takes. I sensed that tendency within him, and wanted to avoid any of that. Like I said, I'm seen as a b*tch for telling them that I'm not interested, but most will grudgingly agree that at least I didn't lead them on with ambiguous half-truths, excuses, and feigned oblivion.

I did tell him that his persistence was annoying and borderline obsessive. Even though I cut him off very quickly and refuse to argue with him, I wanted to let him know how he messed up. Hopefully he'll learn from that.

 

[LoneSilver]

I'm still picturing a sexy hot babe with a bucket of darrhea and she's gargling it this could be a new website idea called Bucket Of Runs staring that hot babe Schadenfreudianslip

Kidding aside sounds to me this guy was a total AFC and regardless of his excuses some boys just need the shock of their life spit in their faces to wake them up if they ever do.

You did what you needed to do and did it your way.

You posting here says a lot to me about you. First.. it tells me that deep down you have a heart because you truly care in how you come across in these situations. So your not a bi*ch don't worry a bi*ch wouldn't have taken the time or energy to post her concerns for the way you handled this guy the way you did so my hats off to you..

Further a lady venting her frustrations to mature men is pretty cool so hope we helped you out.

Each lady learns astutely how to rid herself of boys that are just acting like annoying little girls.

LoneSilver

 

[daygameguy]

well... doesn't look like you kicked him off without giving him a chance... he was just too much of an AFC. Its not your fault... I'm sure if he was a little more sensible.. you would have been a lot more open to his advances.

btw, people say girls have more choices than guys. I don't agree. Half of the male population is AFC. Among the non-AFC, many are committed. So there aren't a LOT of cool available guys to choose from, do you feel that is true?

 

[DonJuan11]

If you're not a hottie, you need to stop talking now.

LOL

 

[r0cky]

We need more girls like you in this world to show AFCs how repulsive their behavior is. Maybe that will stop the epidemic.

 

[AKA FLEX]

You should have brought the hammer down when he "poked" you via Facebook. That is the GAYEST S--- EVER. Guys who are new to this game, take note: NEVER DO THAT. It is pathetic enough to make your average AFC look like Warren Beatty.

 

[daygameguy]

You should have brought the hammer down when he "poked" you via Facebook.

LOL "poked". HAHAH

bottom line: AFCs need to learn the hard way.

 

[Schadenfreudianslip]

LoneSilver, you owe me a new keyboard! Hehe, I could be the new 2 Girls 1 Cup. Actually, I've heard that there's some German porn that has already done stuff like that. AKAFLEX, I agree that modern social mediums such as Facebook pokes are tantamount to self-castration.

Daygameguy, I agree. Yes, there are plenty of available males, but a dearth of QUALITY men without girlfriends. This is especially true for a geek girl like me. I've often been the only girl in places like computer club, which are virtual Meccas for AFCs. Yes, I could have had any man I wanted in those social circles, but I'm not Boobies for Newbies or an emotional masochist or a shrink. Many of the AFCs were simply flattered by the fact that I acknowledged their presence during a group project or something equally pathetic. You know how some AWs will say, "Women are so catty, men make much better company." I've found AFCs to be equally AW-ish, especially whiny AFCs who build fantasies in their heads and obsessively hound the girls, refusing to take any responsibility. Even if I tried to be professional and give no signs of interest, many AFCs will still call me a d!cktease because I refused to comply with their delusional fantasies. I foresaw this in this AFC, so I took all the preventative measures that I could.

Thanks for the reassurance that I handled this okay. Yes, I would have been a bit more open to his advances if he hadn't been so damned annoying and sycophantic. Yeah, I know that it hurt him, but I've been in his shoes before. Reality was a sharp slap in the face, but it made me realize that I had to be more socially aware and that their is a fine line between persistence and annoyance. It hurt, and I can't really thank the person who gave me the hit of reality, but it was a valuable lesson.

 

[Schadenfreudianslip]

We need more girls like you in this world to show AFCs how repulsive their behavior is. Maybe that will stop the epidemic.

Thanks. I try. I used to take it on myself to be the "special friend and adviser" to these AFCs. A "special friend and adviser" is NOT friends with benefits. A "special friend and adviser" is female who acts as a host/shrink/emotional tampon to emotionally parasitic AFCs in order to try to teach them dating skills. However, I learned that these parasitic AFCs not only do not listen or learn, but also that they will bite the hand that feeds them. I also learned that it is impossible for AFCs to have female friends, as opposite-sex friendships are nothing but a ploy for them to get close to women. Since I had to eventually tell them off regardless, I decided to skip the whole shrink/tampon part and go straight to telling them about their craptacular attitudes and telling them off.

Again, thank you. I will continue to show AFCs how repugnant their behavior is as long as you DJs show AW and BPD girls how repugnant their behavior is, and that equality of the sexes also means equal responsibility.

 

[Prodigy746]

Why dont you send him a email back with this site and tell him to read everything especially the bible and get back to you. Hopefully he will be a changed man and you guys might work out .

Even if you are not interested in him , you might wanna help him out anyway...you did mention that he gave you a ride somewhere so you might wanna give him the best gift he could get... this site

 

[MikeYikes122]

I agree with KX. Gotta love a chick who is willing to give a guy sh!t. You shouldn't be ashamed - this guy's father should be.

If more girls corrected this kind of behavior, the world would be a better place.

 

[bornyesterday]

Why are you posting here? Really?
You know you did allright. Hell, I'm guessing you're even proud about how you handled that guy.

But here you are, talking trash about AW's and AFC's. And at the same time you are telling about stuff that makes you look good, letting semi-afc's telling you how awesome you are, and you are taking it in like a little AW.

Now I don't mind personally, and maybe I'm exagerrating and I don't mean no harm, but I'm just telling you how I see it. I think you do have an attitude and are arrogant (you are young and you feel you are supersmart, and that's ok) and you do have some stuff to work on as you do seem like you have a lot of potential.

 

[Alexander the Great]

Dang, Schaden. You make it difficult. On one hand I feel you're a person with honor and class, who intends to do as such. On the other hand, I get the feeling from what you wrote that you came here because you felt you could have handled this differently, and now seek validation from people here.

Considering the circumstances and the nature of this guy's AFCness (from what I can tell from your message), I suppose you felt you had no other choice. I'm inclined to say you did okay. But I also feel you could have handled it more nicely at first, and then could have become nasty if it didn't work. Now you probably broke him. And not all people need to be broken to "get it". Telling them honestly and straightforwardly that you're not interested is often just as effective, and less destructive. There's really no need for people to be a b*itch or jerk unless they're dealing with one. Was this guy one?

To be completely honest, and I'm sorry to say this, but to me it appears you acted like just any other selfish person who was afraid (or just frustrated) to be straightforward with someone, and then blames her imagined need to be "tough" on some poor sap's behaviour, whose only crime was to like you a bit too much too soon and showing that overzealously. Why is it so difficult for people to just come forward themselves when you realize another is throwing him- or herself at you and you just know they're not going to take the hint of the silent treatment because they're blinded by their like for you? Is that a crime?

Please don't take this as a personal attack, Schaden. I do know where you come from. I'll tell you honestly that I've acted like you did a few times in my past. It was purely fear to be more assertive and frustration with me. And I'm still embarrased by it when I think of those times. Maybe that's why I now loathe such behaviour. I've also been the subject of this behaviour in the past as well. Maybe that's why I loathe this behaviour even more.

Fortunately it was only once (and it was my wake-up call, I'm sad to say because I just know you and everyone are just going to yell: "Told you so!" ). But I felt that it was totally uncalled for and rather a venting of frustration by the person in question due to an inability to handle me in a more classy manner than anything else. Let alone a justified wake-up call. I wasn't dumb or stupid or blind at the time. An honest talk would have straightened me (granted, what was going on was much more already-attached than what you handled).

I just feel that there's just no need for b*itch- or jerklike behaviour, no matter how great and personally gratifying it feels. Neither to praise or condone it. I't just not mature. Rather it shows how small a person is. Maybe AFC's need to learn something, but so do people who act like sh*t.

Anyway, if I've misjudged you here, Schaden, and you feel you did everything you could to give this guy a message in a polite manner first, then my apologies. Like I said, you seem like an honorable person who wants to do the honorable and classy thing first, and maybe you just got caught unsuspecting. For a next time you might want to consider just confronting the guy and telling him that you're not interested? As has been suggested by someone already. It's usually the most effective for dealing with innocent AFC's. *******s that won't relent even then can be given the harsh boot. As they deserve, because *******s aren't AFC.

Slap a child and it's behaviour will stop for an hour. Explaining why it shouldn't act a certain way will make it grow up. AFCs are unsuspecting children, not persistent *******s usually.

Where I come from there's this saying that says something along the lines of: "gentle healers allow wounds to inflame". It's meant to say that in order to be effective, you need to be harsh sometimes. However, people often think that being harsh or being effective means you have to act like a jerk. This is not implied. You can be decisive and gentle. But this is of course something you have to want to be. Maybe that's the secret.


Alright, did I welcome you here already? I know you've been around for a while, but I haven't seen you before and after all this condescendingness I feel I should show you I don't mean it bad with you. Welcome! It will be interesting to see an insider's perspective from a victim of AFCs.

 

[Prod]

You validated his attention by offering to buy him dinner. You consented to his requests about meeting up. Contrary to what women believe, saying "I'll let you know" doesn't equal "Please leave me alone", especially to an AFC.

Now, his behaviour is of course pathetic, but given that you have experience with AFC's, I suspect that you merely tolerated him for a while because you liked the attention.

 

[I'm Charming]

Stop seeking validation of those in the know and give the poor sucker a link to this website.