Demonstrate value to GF

[Oscar Wilde]

Hi guys,

I've been going out with this girl for about 7 weeks. I'm questioning her IL right now - previously it had been very high, but it's dropped for some reason, probably me falling into semi-AFC habits. I'm being careful not to do that though, and I've been doing alright up til now with few lapses.

What I'd like to do is either raise IL, or get her to show that she has high IL, because she either doesn't have it or is holding back. I tihnk I need to demonstrate some value.

Suggestions? Here's what I have to work with: we're going out with her friends/colleagues on Fri night, then I'll be away all weekend. So I need to make that night count. Also, we'll be having a couple of quiet nights in over the next week: she has an exam to do, so she's studying every night but Fri.

Aside: she's done a good job of raising *my* IL recently by not showing her feelings - interesting.

Your thoughts & comments much appreciated.
Oscar.

 

[bp1974]

What is it she's doing or not doing that makes you think her IL is dropping now?

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Less intimacy (hugs, hand-holding), pre-occupation with other things (exam is a fairly big one), more inclined to sit & watch TV than chat.

Don't get me wrong, I might be over-exagerating, it's not like she's about to break up with me (I've seen those signs before). But she's just taking me a little bit too much for granted and I want to demo value. Get what I'm sayin?

 

[laydee1]

Wait until exam is over to assess it.

If I have an exam, a guy is lucky to see me at all! - you can't mix the misery of exam work with pleasure

Assess afterwards....being that she will be all relieved and relaxed, there is a chance she will want to make it up to you.

 

[netman]

But she's just taking me a little bit too much for granted and I want to demo value.

I tend to the think the same thing sometimes about my girlfriend. I know that she's happy with me and all, but I too tend to think that she takes things for granted at times, and she seems to be pre-occupied a lot. Her IL level is high, but I too would like her to do more to show her high IL more.

Sometimes when I feel that way, I do little things like cutting phone conversations shorter or I stop hugging her and holding her, then SHE starts to notice and she gets mushy and stuff and tells me things like, "you haven't told me you loved me in 2 days" then I have her where I want her. But that'll last a day or 2 then back to the same. It's hard to spell it out to women sometimes, and even when you do they ALWAYS think that you're being silly and reading into things to much.

As for this Friday, I suggest that YOU make it seem like you're a little pre-occupied. Don't ignore her, but make it seem like you're more concerned with what's going on around you then with her. If she truly does have high IL, she will notice and say something .

 

[bp1974]

Maybe you could cut down the amount of time you spend around her until after her exams are over. Don't sit and watch tv with her - go home, or send her home. Give her a chance to miss you a bit. It sounds like she's starting to take you for granted and it's a bit early for that.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Agreed bp. But I do want to spend more time with her. I'm wondering if there's a way to say that w/o sounding AFC. Maybe it's an ok thing to say. Comments?

 

[bp1974]

In 86's thread, one of the first pieces of advice he got was something like, everything you feel like you should do right now, is exactly the wrong thing to do. I think the same applies here. Let me try to give you a reality check:

1. You think her IL is going down because she's subtly pulling away from you

So

2. Your INSTINCT is to tell her you want to be with her more


What's wrong with this picture?

If you still can't see it, here it is in another form:

- she's pulling away, so your reaction is to start chasing.

Bells ringing yet?

She's pulling away, so your reaction should be to back off and see what she does. If you take a step towards her every time she steps back, she'll just keep stepping back. I think you're spending too much non-quality time with her (ie in front of the tv), and if anything is lowering her IL, it's this.

I don't think there's any way of telling her you want to be with her MORE (essentially because she's treating you worse than before) that won't decrease her interest further.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by bp1974
I think you're spending too much non-quality time with her (ie in front of the tv), and if anything is lowering her IL, it's this.

Damn right.

Why, oh why can't we see these plainly obvious things in our own relationships? Damn.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Aside: she's done a good job of raising *my* IL recently by not showing her feelings - interesting.

to raise her interest level you already know the answer...that's why they call it "reverse the game"

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Yeah Player, I just aint thinkin straight. Let me give some more detail and maybe you'll think I'm not being completely stupid.

One thing on my mind is that when we 1st started going out she knew that I had just recently had an ONS. She thought I was a bit of a player (which wasn't miles off the mark either). One of the things I'd said to her was "no plans" and "see how things go". So she's scared of seeming too serious. Also she knows that I broke up w/ my last gf cos she told me she loved me & I didn't have the same feelings. All these factors raise my concern that she's afraid to show her true feeling for me because I might not return it.

We've never sat down and discussed the relationship or where it was going, that we were bf/gf, exclusive etc. It's all just fallen into place recently (her friends assumed we were bf/gf, we didn't comment, then she intros me as same).

Know where I'm coming from? I don't wanna scare the girl off.

Oscar.

 

[becker]

You created this 1st impression that you're a player, and we all know how difficult it can be to break those 1st impressions...

Some girls take exams very seriously, perhaps higher priority than their relationships. I know this girl that totally put everything on hold and told her BF that if he wanted to go on vacation with her, he had to plan it, since she had to study. She told me "I said I'd go with him, but I wasn't going to plan it out with him at all because I had to study."

Anyways, I'd say the only way to show that you are not a total player and bring her closer to you is to keep yourself out of the doghouse for a while and don't get caught doing stupid things like ONS, looking at other women, etc. Then, over time, hopefully she'll learn to trust you more.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Going out with her & her workmates tonight, gonna have 4 or 5 beers with them.

So my problem is how to act tonight given what you've mentioned. Should I be my normal chatty self and talk to all the girls there? Or just stick to talking to the lads?

Oscar.

 

[bp1974]

Well, here's a bit of Doc Love paraphrasing - if what you were doing in the first place is what attracted her to you, why would you want to start doing things differently?

When you met her, you were your normal chatty self and she was attracted to you. That's what you should keep doing. It's yourSELF, right? Keep being who you are.

All this stuff that's making you want to change your behaviour, it's all your own fears, your own insecurities and imaginings about what's going on in her head.

The fact is, you don't actually know what the hell she's thinking, you've got no idea, because she hasn't told you. You're trying to guess, and wanting to change your behaviour based on those guesses, which are all worst-case scenario guesses. Your own fears are totally clouding your thoughts.

Don't drink too much tonight in case you go into moping-mode and start trying to talk to her about it whilst half cut.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by bp1974
Well, here's a bit of Doc Love paraphrasing - if what you were doing in the first place is what attracted her to you, why would you want to start doing things differently?

When you met her, you were your normal chatty self and she was attracted to you. That's what you should keep doing. It's yourSELF, right? Keep being who you are.

All this stuff that's making you want to change your behaviour, it's all your own fears, your own insecurities and imaginings about what's going on in her head.

The fact is, you don't actually know what the hell she's thinking, you've got no idea, because she hasn't told you. You're trying to guess, and wanting to change your behaviour based on those guesses, which are all worst-case scenario guesses. Your own fears are totally clouding your thoughts.

Don't drink too much tonight in case you go into moping-mode and start trying to talk to her about it whilst half cut.

bp1974

Great advice bp, much appreciated.

 

[bp1974]

No prob. When you're in it, it's really hard to see it.

The trouble is, even if you now act your chatty self tonight, you're still going to have these fears about how things are going with her, because your SELF now includes some insecurities about her IL. That will affect how you behave in some unconscious ways. Maybe you'll have an extra eye on what she's doing, over-analyzing how she acts towards you etc.

I don't know the longterm solution to that but I think it doesn't involve talking to her or trying to clarify things. IT's too soon for that - you don't know her well enough and it would just come aross as insecurity, which it is.

Maybe you need to get away for a few days on your own or with a good buddy, do something to re-affirm yourself. I know it sounds a bit "Iron John", but if you enjoy hillwalking or camping, or something similar, then a weekend in the hills could be what you need to get your perspective back on who you are and what's important. Maybe not the hills, but you get the idea - do something YOU enjoy, for you, and have some space from her.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Ok, just got a mail from herself.

Apparently I'm gonna be the only guy there tonight (she did not mention this before).

I'm not gonna let her think I'm phased but I'm wondering how to react.

First response: "seriously?" - thought she was j/k.

Her: "if it bothers you, you dont have to come. John might be in the bar for a while but he won't be going for dinner."

My response:
"doesnt bother me at all. What's the story with the dinner - am I invited to that? "

Cos I Wasnt sure if they booked a place for me.

Next update:

"theres 6 going to dinner
with 5 girls .... you bet there's a place for ya!
and I'm a caring sharing kinda girl "

Think I'm doing ok

Someone *please* comment

 

[bp1974]

What do you want to do? Do you want to go to dinner with 5 girls?

It could be fun - you'll be the centre of attention so get your flirting hat on and start playing with these chicks - if anything'll raise your girl's IL it'll be her seeing her friends all over you and having fun with you.

Worked for me a while back - I ended up on the dancefloor dancing salsa with one girl in each hand. The girl I wasn't dancing with jumped me the next week, she just couldn't resist

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

oh, yeah, it never crossed my mind not to go

I'm looking fwd to it! I'm heading away for the wkend tomorrow morning (going away with a bunch of inner-city kids I volunteer help with). So I want her talking to her mates tomorrow night & them saying "wow, what a cool guy Oscar is - if you don't want him I'll have him".

That is my goal.

Oscar.

 

[bp1974]

Great, have fun! Sounds like your thoughts have cleared a little.

bp1974