Decision making help - move in with LTR

[Lion]

Should I go for it?

I definitely want to move out at some point in the next 2 years. I find being at home good in some ways bad in others, I have learned to tolerate the things I can't change and make the most of spending time with family.

My gf wants to move out from her parents. She has asked me if I want to get place of our own. I have told her not yet... she was initially upset but says she can wait till I'm ready. She has a friend who she is considering living with in the next quarter or so. My gf is not sure if she wants to move in with her friend for many reasons. My gf also knows she doesn't want to live alone.

Right now, house prices are at their lowest in years, I envisaged living with friends but have not done anything about it because living at home is comfortable and cost effective.

I have read on this forum that to move in with your LTR is bad... and I can understand why!

I enjoy spending time with my gf, she respects me and treats me like a king.
We are both 24 and have been together for 3 years.

 

[Luthor Rex]

Dude!

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. I know a fellow right now who is in the pit of misery with a girl he signed an apartment lease with for a year and has had to basically live with his ex for the past 5 months and wont get out of the lease until May. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of annonymity you commit to, legally, being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial committment) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance polcy for her - "I the undersigned promise not to fukk any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year.

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

 

[CaptainJ]

Only move in when you are married.

 

[OzyBoy]

I would move in with my girlfriend even if we were not married but waiting might be better.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.... If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect.


I agree with this rule...although I am violating it at the moment...but things are a little different when you have already been married and divorced. Then it is not such a big deal.

One thing that I think most people who have never been married fail to understand is that marriage by itself means next to nothing these days. It is merely another purchased piece of paper that gives you tax breaks compared to merely living together. Marriage by itself is a tiny step compared to having children together. That is the big deal, having kids. Without children, you can always get divorced and never speak again. But once she has your baby, then you are tied for life. She is never going away. Either you will have to learn to tolerate each other until your kids grow up, or you will be baby-sitting while your ex-wife has her date night.

It is very important that you and your girlfriend feel the same way about the decision to have kids. Some people think that marriage and parenthood must always go together. If she feels that moving in together is the first step in having children, and you are not cool with that, then by all means don't do it. But if you both genuinely don't want kids, then I don't think cohabitation and marriage are that big of a deal.

 

[Aenigma]

Iron rule #4 says it all.

I speak from expirence too- you lose all your power in that situation. Don't do it.

 

[ready123]

granted the goal is long-term commitment, I disagree with the rule

You live with someone, you learn a ton of sht about the chemistry between you two because you're forced to see them on a daily basis and crowd each other's space. All the negative things that come up, from lack of sexual availability to feeling miserable to having the little things become big things that bother you are practical feedback about your LTR that would be difficult to get any other way. They're disqualifiers, and they force you to ask yourself about the LTR, can I deal with this indefinately?

I have a couple coworkers who are planning to marry their LTR's and are avoiding living with them until after they're married. To me, it's a dumb mistake because once they get married and it's final, they're gonna be living with that woman for the rest of their life. It be smarter to cohabit for a year and at least know what they're getting into than to just go in blind and assume both of you are gonna automatically be able to deal with each other peacefully when your space is taken away

One thing I qualify for in a girl is that they're not messy. It's something I figured out by living with an ex for a year and a half and getting pissed off at having to do all the laundry, do all the cleaning, and deal with her panicking whenever she couldn't find something. I wouldn't have been able to figure this out any other way

 

[Lion]

Your posts acknowledged and I feel ready123 also has a strong point in that moving in prior to considering marriage is worth doing to find out what your partner is like to live with.

Right now, I think not.

Peace.