Death/dying and My dad just called to tell me he's not doing well

[LiveYourDream]

TL;DR I'll be gone from SS for a bit to be with my Dad. I'll may be back soon or maybe later. Depends on life. Please excuse my walking away mid conversations. I can't make up surface replies just to tie things up. The conversations and your replies really touch me and I appreciate them so much. For now, my time and attention takes me to my Dad. I appreciate your understanding.

I logged on to connect and share back on some threads I started. Before I could respond my phone rang and it was my father calling to tell me he is not doing well. He feels his heart failing. I love him so much. We had a great conversation, full of love and clear heartfelt connection. I am in tears. It gets really pin point when someone tells you they feel their transition (fast) approaching, yet perhaps a bit a way.

He has seemingly been riding the edge, as has my mother and step mother, for quite a while. Each day is a blessing. It's so hard to face the inevitable transition of those you love. I do my best, my very best to just love them with all I am along the way. It's so hard when you feel them slipping and know there is nothing you can do, that your time with them is coming to a close (at least in this form).

I woke up devastated Wednesday. I had just dreamt/experienced my brother dying. Nothing about it resembled this life, expect the clarity that it was I, loving him, my brother with all my heart and grieving his passing, that had just occurred as I was discussing arrangements with two others. I was gutted and enveloped in how much I love/d him and the hole I felt in his absence. I woke up stunned and feeling so much grief. It was so real. The grief was so present.

My same brother (as I experience/know him in this reality) passed three and half years ago. He was the kindest person I have ever known. He was a truly amazing Being. He found out he had terminal cancer. I spent every day I could with him in that last year, when I wasn't busy taking care of my mom or another woman in my care. It worked out to 9 months of the 12. I sat in a little tiny room with him, 1 on 1, last ten days of his life, to love him along his way. I love him so much. I told him I would be there with him when he transitioned and I was. Just me and him and all that is unseen. God Bless him.

The day after the dream about my brother, Thursday I woke up in grief, as I had just dreamt/experienced my grandma died. Again, nothing about resembled this life, except, for the essences of myself, my brother, my mother, father, some conflict with another brother. In this one, I was having to tell my brother, (the one I spoke of above) of her passing. They were incredibly close. He could tell from my tone that I was going to say someone had passed but wasn't sure if I was going to say my mom or my grandma. I could feel/see his fear. I told him it was our grandma and I felt his heartbreak of knowing there is no more (at least as we know it here.) He was closer to her in someways then either my mom or dad. It was a huge loss. There were some other parts in the dream that followed and then I woke up feeling devastated. By the way, she passed long, long ago, in this life anyway.

There I was lying in bed, feeling devastated wondering WTF. In my dreams, that felt 1000% real, my brother had died yesterday and my grandma today. What was going on? Is something coming? Why did I experience these? I rarely, rarely, rarely dream about those I interact with in my waking life. I can think of maybe 3 other dreams with family members, in my whole life.

I felt shocked as if their passings in my dreamtime brought grief and loss that were real to me right now. I know my time with my parents is really limited. I feel it everyday. After I woke up from my dream of my grandma, following my brother, I went and spent the day with my mother. I had one of the best days of my whole life with her. It wasn't about what we were doing. It was just, me being me, her being her, no inhibitions with one another, just openness, acceptance, and loving between us. Don't misunderstand our relationship has been far at the other end of the spectrum. We've both have shown up to embrace one another with love, as we journey forward. Yesterday was the richest most full experiences I have had so far, in this life with her. It was a blessing beyond.

Then there is this morning. I sit down to log in here and read and reply to the threads I started. Different insights and reflections have occurred for me on the topics I started. Each topic is deep for me, in way perhaps not immediately apparent. Posting them spurred more thoughts and insights about them and how I am and live my life and more to share and more to ask. I was here to read what was shared, to learn and to share in return.

Then the call with my dad. My face is plastered with tears. My heart overflows with love and yet just doesn't know how to let go of my father, mother and my step mother, gracefully, without resistance.

I asked my dad what it was like for him to be looking at his own death approaching. His answer was so wise, and made me laugh so hard too. I can share about it another time.

It gets really, really really real when someone is in the process of passing, unless you deny it I guess. My brother and I had amazing conversations together. When you know you'll never get to talk to someone again, what do you choose to talk about. How do you fit in all those conversations you expected to share over decades more together into a condensed window. What seems important sure changes.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Continued...
Another experience around death lately. The property/surrounding area where I now live, has been home to a few feral/semi feral cats, years before I showed up here. They roam outside in the wild, undeveloped area near by and take refuge closer when storms hit. It was apparent a couple weeks ago that one had lost a lot of weight and wasn't doing well. I knew it's time would come in the few days ahead. I made an effort to sit outside for an hour a day and offer it connection, comfort, love, if it was inclined, as it had it's last few days here. In those days, it came closer and closer, it soaked up the love I offered. It laid against me and even crawled onto my lap wanting me not to stop from petting it and holding it. I did until it had enough and left and walked away. I found it the late the next day, very close to transitioning. I wasn't sure if I should leave it to be in peace or move it somewhere else that wasn't cold and alone. I scooped it up and brought it in placing it on a soft cushion. For a 2-3 hours I just laid with it, stroking it gently, looking into it's eyes and loving it along it's journey. I could sense the time was coming and so did the cat. I just did my best to fill the space in between with love. I was suddenly caught by surprise, as everything shifted. A moment came where it's suddenly pupils dilated, and I felt a sensation in the hand I was cradling it with. The cat was suddenly purring. The delight I felt was indescribable to know that for a moment, it was beyond the struggle, and experiencing whatever it was that inspired a purr, with whatever energy it had left. A purr beyond words. That was it's transition moment. Purring. Suddenly a lifeless body with no one home. Life over. I wrapped her body and took it to a beautiful place in the woods and buried it, early the next morning. Perhaps just a cat to some, but witnessing one's transition, from life animating a body, to in another moment, life removed and a simply a lifeless body in it's place, is humbling beyond words. An experience that leaves one in awe of what we call life.

I get that I have rambled on and on here. My apologies. I know it's painful for men. I am sorry.

It's that woman thing, emotional, diffuse focus, circling in to the center point.

My intent was to acknowledge that I have some threads in the midst of conversations I REALLY want to participate in. They are meaningful to me. I see some potential liberation in them, for me. I am aware that I can't fully respond and participate the way I would want, right now. I need to make arrangements and go be with my father. I ask for understanding in my non-reply and when I rejoin the conversation in a few days or a few weeks or a few months.

Quick note to those who commented or sensed I have seemed off a bit lately. My ex has been messing with me by telling me he's coming over (after I've made it clear over and over that I don't want him to). He ends the unexpected interactions with complete indifference to what I say, saying he'll be over an hour as if I've never said anything. It's really unnerving.

I was heading to town the other day and suddenly his vehicle was approaching toward mine from the opposite direction. I slowed, aware he was going to be turning off, and wanted to wait and allow him to do so, rather than pass face to face, right next to one another. Apparently he didn't like the idea. He responded by driving his vehicle in and around my lane, as to be blocking my lane and his, and where his window would line up with mine. He rolled his down indicating to speak. He quickly made reference to coming over to my house to... Then he asked if that's what I wanted. My head shook no and didn't seem to stop. He replied he'd be over in about an hour and drove off into the driveway. I was stunned at his boldness to block my car and then realized there was a car backed up behind me, unable to pass as the road had been blocked for it as well. His behavior is another post, another discussion, at another time, perhaps. I am heading out of town shortly, anyway. I wish him the best in every way. I just would like to feel safe and unshaken by his threats or actually showing up. I had some insights on that this morning too. That's another sharing someday, perhaps. I have bigger things calling for my attention now.

Know that I appreciate and Thank you so much for your all your sharings/insight/suggestions. I REALLY appreciate them. Thanks for your understanding with my lack of reply or it's delay anyway. Time to get to my Dad.

I wish everyone here the best, in every way. I may poke in SS, here and there, if it lines up. First things, first. Right now that's my Dad.

TL;DR Bold above/or--->I'll be gone from SS for a bit to be with my Dad. I'll may be back soon or maybe later. Depends on life. Please excuse my walking away mid conversations. I can't make up surface replies just to tie things up. The conversations and your replies really touch me and I appreciate them so much. For now, my time and attention takes me to my Dad. I appreciate your understanding.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

I don't know you LiveYourDream, and yet you have been a big influence in my life over the last months. A woman making a conscious effort to be even more feminine...to use your god-gifted supportive and caring abilities... It's not something I see around in my daily life...some times, but it is certainly a rare occurrence. I'm just trying to make you feel better by letting you know that I really appreciate what you bring to this forum, and I'm certain a lot of the other guys in here do so too.

I have not much experience with death, being as young as I am, but when I had to confront it, it was frightening, confuse and painful. Being your own father has to be multiple times worse. Take your time, spend quality time with those that love you and don't be afraid of asking for help to them. I didn't know you had a theist background, maybe you would like Arvo Part's music...it's the only thing nowadays that makes me believe there's an order in the universe, really helps me when I feel confused and lost in such a big and complex world.

I wish you the better in these rough moments.

 

[Dingo]

Where there is deep grief there is great love.

So sorry for what you're going through. Positive thoughts for you and your family.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Your support touches deep into my heart. Know that I am grateful. I thank you.

 

[Julian]

Good luck with everything LYD...the reality of life and death of loved ones is very unnerving to think about. I wish you the best, thanks for the advice you've brought to this board and to my threads as well. My grandmother is in a medically induced coma after massive surgery currently and she is on the other side of the planet so I cannot see her, but my mother is with her now and I just hope an pray everything works out. My best friends father is also in a coma right now so I can relate to whats going on with you. Anyway talk to you when you come back!


Also, that cat story melted my ice cold heart. I have an affinity for the feline species and Im always sad when I see a kitty in pain or neglect, or any animal for that matter but people seem to particularly enjoy hurting cats which pisses me off. You have a good heart doing what you did for that innocent little creature. I think that you just earned your angel wings with that action lol...and finally..as Gladiator said..."death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back".

 

[Asmodeus]

This existence we have is finite... But just because it is finite does not mean it is not something worthwhile and incredible. The meaning of life is found in every moment we live it... Spend these moments enjoying the time you have with your beloved relative.
Wish you the best.

 

[guru1000]

LYD,

The loss of family is the hardest thing you will deal with in this physical world. At least, it was for me.

But I have noticed, that those who pass never truly leave you. They live in you. And you in them. In time, you will evolve in a much stronger way, as you cannot truly live without experiencing that physicality is temporal, but the spirit is eternal. And when we have evolved to the fullness that our physicality will allow, our spirit continues its journey; its evolvement. Similar to the caterpillar/butterfly metaphor you had once described.

Best wishes to you and your father.

 

[dustmuffin]

Enjoy your family while you still can. I envy you and your relationship with them.

 

[Amer1group]

Enjoy every second with your family. I wish you the best.

 

[Asmodeus]

^At first I thought the same as you did. Women posting on this forum was an anomaly to me. I thought it was ridiculous, a joke. But I soon read what she had to say and realized that in their words contained some pearls of wisdom. I have not agreed with her each time... I think LYD is an empath, she feels too much and cares too much it is sickening and I would consider it inferiority and weakness. I have said this directly to her and let her understand that it is the reason why she is dealing with some of the issues she has. However, despite it all she has provided a lot of wisdom and ideas here. I think having a different opinion, someone is actually a good thing. I think it helps us to better analyze ourselves and our thoughts, sitting in echo chambers rarely does one any good or gives one any wisdom. I can only speak for myself, but I have appreciated what she has provided (even if I did not always agree with it).

It is possible that this is all just some elaborate ruse... However, at this point I do not care. I read the words for what they contain. I do not look at who wrote them but what they mean and what knowledge and ideas we can take from them. What was posted was useful, if it was written by a man/woman/it/whatever it would still be useful and interesting.

This is not really a just a pickup site... Perhaps it started out as that, perhaps that was its original intent... But from what I see it is more holistic than that. We have discussions about all kinds of things ranging from deep conversations about existentialism to talking about cologne scents. This is good though, I have said multiple times that if this was just a pickup site I would not be here.

Lastly, from what I see this community here helps out others who are part of it. Just look at the No Contact Challenge thread for instance. This is a very supportive community to everyone, people coming on here and offering their support for what she says is a difficult time is not them kissing the ground she walks on or worshiping her, it is just the camaraderie of this forum which I think speaks volumes about the people we have here and their character. That is what this forum does, it offers support and wisdom to people so that they can grow stronger and wiser.

 

[guru1000]

LiveFree, frankly it does not matter who or what LYD is. If someone passes, you show respect to the grieved.

If you cannot comprehend this concept, I can't wait to see you when your China doll or China children pass in your arms. We'll see what kind of tough guy you are then.

 

[playa99]

LYD, my condolences, losing anyone in your life is extremely tough. I wish you the best and hope that you come back here stronger than ever. I know I have lost people and eventually used it as a catalyst to grow based on reflection of my experiences with them.

@LiveFreeX , show a bit of respect. I have no doubt that some posters on here are lying, but to respond in the way you did to a post like this is shocking.

 

[guru1000]

LiveJailed, no posters here wish to abscond to a third-world country as the challenges in the West prove too difficult and then marry a 4 (yes I saw her pic too) from the poverty line.

Some DJs here have standards and don't settle. You wouldn't understand what respect entails because you ran from all your challenges and took whatever life dollied out to you rather than wrestling life to the ground and taking what you wanted.

Respect is earned my friend. And that's why I give you none.

Further, even as little respect as I have for you, if your daughter one day accidentally fell into a third-world ditch and lost her life, I would still offer you condolences. As to whatever poor decisions you have made in your life, death of a loved one is never a choice.

 

[Asmodeus]

Respect is earned my friend

Exactly, and despite LYD being a female and despite me disagreeing with her on a number of things, has earned my respect.
It takes strength to walk the high road... I respect that.

 

[Von]

The type of crap you can post LiveFree... or Jailed.

Who cares what's behind the screen.

What matters is the contribution given where you act

On this forum, she gives one.

Respect is earned. She got ours.

My condoleance to OP, remember: Death is a blessing to those who suffers and it always sweeter surrounded by your love one

 

[OsirisII]

LiveJailed...

So I'm on liveFreeX's side.
I also had (read HAD) a wife for 4 years. I didn't posted anywhere about it. No whining complaining at all. **** happens. All the time, to all of us. After 2 months after her decease I was already back where I stood before meeting her. Now I have a son for who I give my life away anytime. I will do my best to protect and teach him. But when something happens, **** happens.
Grow out Your illogical emotional thinking.

 

[guru1000]

Frankly, could care less what gender LYD is. If she is assisting my fellows DJs in their evolvement, then she is a friend of mine.

How exactly are you assisting the younger DJs here by pissing on someone grieving? Is that what you wish to teach the younger brothers in the forum?

 

[guru1000]

So your hangup is the Manosphere word called "white knight," which I contributed to the definition of over the past 10 years.

A "white knight" is a man who panders to or fights for a woman with the intent that she in return will reciprocate with sexual favors.

Newsflash: No one here wants to bang LYD. Men here want to bang hot women in their 20s, not 40s.

 

[guru1000]

White knight behavior exists only where there is an intent for sexual favors borne out of female approval. Where there is no intent for sex, white knightism is not applicable.

You obviously have your beef with LYD. So create a thread and settle your beef. Why jump into a thread to denigrate her when she is grieving? That to me is weak faggot behavior.

You allege that she contrived the thread for attention. Ok show me the evidence, and I will support you. If you have no evidence, then take a hike.