Dealing with your Girlfriend's ex's:

[Heaven or Hell]

Alright, well I'm going to try and keep this short and simple.

Has / does it ever bother you to know that your Girlfriend has shared intimate moments with other men in her past? I don't know why, but even after several months of going out with my girlfriend the thought of her doing/sharing the things that we do with another guy (even if it was in her past) bothers me, sometimes to the point where I don't even feel like being intimate with her in that moment.

I feel like I am being somewhat stupid because I have also had ex's and even had sex with a few women in my past, which on some level I kinda regret now because I know how the thought of her being with other guys in the past affects me. I know that she is with me NOW because she wants to be with me, and that just like myself, she was looking for the "right one for her" when she was being intimate with her ex's, but fact still remains that is bothers me (not by choice I can't control it)

So yeah, I'm not sure if I am weird in that way, or if you guys can also relate to how I feel when I think of her doing certain things (mainly sexually) with other guys in the past and have that bother me so much.

Thanks for the opinions and comments in advance, I appreciate it greatly.

 

[scribblec]

are u a homosexual?

its like unless your ****ing virgins everyone u meet is going to have some sexual past, even you yourself... all your doing is being hypocritical

 

[Heaven or Hell]

are u a homosexual?

its like unless your ****ing virgins everyone u meet is going to have some sexual past, even you yourself... all your doing is being hypocritical

Hi scribblec,

I am most certainly not homosexual, I would appreciate a slightly more mature tone in your reply, if that isn't too much to ask for.

You are really not helping me or this thread with your reply, I am not looking to be right here, I'm simply explaining how I feel, and wanting to see if anyone else can relate to it. I don't understand myself, I wouldn't think that this issue would bother me, but it does and I'm just reaching out to other guys on this forum to see what their feelings/thoughts/experiences are on the matter.

I'll say again in case you didn't read my original post properly or perhaps there was a miss-communication in the question that I was bringing up:

I am not saying I don't have a sexual past, the point I am concentrating on though, is that it bothers me for some reason (that I don't understand) to think of my girlfriend doing certain things with other guys in her past. I know fully well that in this day & age its pretty impossible to find a girl that doesn't have a sexual history, but that doesn't change my issue, that it bothers me weather I want it to or not. Obviously I would much prefer if it wouldn't bother me, But it does and I was hoping that by speaking with other fellow guys on here I would be able to see what others had to say and perhaps if anyone else could somewhat relate to me on some level.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply, but if you don't mind I would appreciate it even more if you were to respond in a slightly more constructive and progressive manner.

Thanks.

 

[pipe007]

funny threat
unless you are dating 14 year olds, you will always find girls who have a sexual past brother..deal with it... or go celibate.

is this your first gf?
don't you have a past of your own? I hope you do.
if not, then oh well you do now... with her

 

[Heaven or Hell]

funny threat
unless you are dating 14 year olds, you will always find girls who have a sexual past brother..deal with it... or go celibate.

is this your first gf?
don't you have a past of your own? I hope you do.
if not, then oh well you do now... with her

That's the thing, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it, hence this thread.

She is my 4th serious relationship(had short few months relationships left right & center but those dont count to me because what I consider to be a serous relationship is when both are seriously and deeply emotionally evolved with one another), though I have quiet a eventful sexual history with women, but that is completely besides the point here. If my current gf is okay with my past sexual life then I'm really happy about that, but it still doesn't help me be "okay" with the thought of her being sexual with other guys in the past. I'm normally a very stable and rational guy, not insecure or anything like that, I'm really not, but this one thing, the mental image / thought of her being sexual with other guys in her past just gets to me and I don't know why it does, but it does and I was hoping that someone who has experienced these types of emotions in the past could perhaps shed some light or wisdom as to the best way to deal with this issue.

P.s.: I am 28 and she is 25 years of age.

 

[Amante Silvestre 2]

Whatever it is, you don't have an issue with her past. Your issue is either with your sexual performance in comparison, the possibility of her cheating on you, the idea she may not be serious enough with you or some other hypothetical threat to this relationship that causes you this kind of distress.

My advice to you would be to love her wildly. Giver her 110% in the sack. Go crazy. Because when a woman has a great time like that, she'll behave as if she's never been with those other men... in so many little ways that you'd take notice to.

That could be a difference maker for you.

 

[brekke]

I don't care unless I would consider her for a girlfriend. Then I would rather have a virgin, because it shows that she respects herself and has high standards.

 

[Heaven or Hell]

Whatever it is, you don't have an issue with her past. Your issue is either with your sexual performance in comparison, the possibility of her cheating on you, the idea she may not be serious enough with you or some other hypothetical threat to this relationship that causes you this kind of distress.

My advice to you would be to love her wildly. Giver her 110% in the sack. Go crazy. Because when a woman has a great time like that, she'll behave as if she's never been with those other men... in so many little ways that you'd take notice to.

That could be a difference maker for you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply with a lot of insight.

I know for a fact that she is not the type of cheat, she is very conservative and mature in a lot of ways... but when you brought up the factor of my sexual performance in comparison then it made me think, and I think you might have a point here. I think that at the back of my mind, even though I am a confident lover, I'm am scared that there is a chance that she might have felt better (individual preference) with one of her ex's.. I think that a big part of why it gets to me is that I don't like the fact that she might consciously or not, be comparing me to her ex's, which may result in her being tempted to perhaps think less of me... But now another thing that doesn't make sense to me is that things between us sexually are great, and she has told me that she's never felt this good & intense before in the past (emotionally and sexually), so while this is a very valid factor that you have made me realise/think about, I don't think its the only thing that makes it bother me.

Now that I am thinking about things more in depth I think that the root of my issue is knowing that she has had these past experiences and that she can always compare back to it... thus putting pressure on me to keep up to "par" with her past experiences. So on some level I guess I have this pressure that is brought into the picture that gets in the way of me enjoying it and doing it for what it is. (I hope I'm making sense )

For the record, my gf is still a virgin, we decided that we would wait until we're engaged before we sleep together. (And as hard as it may be to believe, I'm actually really okay with this because the emotional aspect of our relationship is amazing and the connection we have is unlike anything I thought was possible which is surprisingly (even to myself) fulfilling, to the point where the sexual stuff is merely the icing on top of the cake) Don't get me wrong, we enjoy the sexual aspect of the relationship, but its only a fraction as fulfilling as the enjoyment we derive from each others company/personalities/sharing experiences and making memories together.

I have always been the type of guy that was jokingly called gay by my friends because I didint think like a "typical guy", whatever that means, I have always valued emotional etc way more than the sexual, I would prefer to wait 2 years before meeting a girl I was really interested in as apposed to having sex with 10 different women a year type of thing.

Anyways, I hope this gives you guys a bit better picture of the type of person I am.. but overall I would like to thank you for your reply Amante Silvestre 2, its almost like you told me what I was thinking subconsciously and brought it up to the surface and then I "clicked".

On that note, while thinking about it at this moment, it does still bother me to an extent, knowing that there was another guy kissing her, and being sexual with her in the past, maybe I am thinking too much about it, but I always get this mental image of her in the past with some other guy being intimate with her (dont have to be having sex to be intimate there is a lot of other stuff like foreplay etc) and that mental image/thought gets to me, regardless of weather I know I'm a great lover blah blah, it just still gets to me, its almost like I wanna be the only one that she has had that type of experience with. I know that this is an irrational and unrealistic expectation/want, but its just how I feel weather I want to or not. I wish there was a way for me to get to a point where this didin't bother me, but I just have no idea how to get to that point, I've never experienced this in my life, maybe its because I'm seriously thinking of spending the rest of my life with this woman so these types of things possibly mean more to me even though they may come across as petty to the average guy reading this. I would have probably given a lecture to the guy typing this out if I wasn't in his shoes so I can understand why some of you here might think I'm being full of sh!t, but yeah I duno what else to say, its how I feel and how the situation/her past affects me and I'm hoping that by talking through it with you guys will enlighten me somewhat, and perhaps alter my perception, or something :crazy: *shrug*

 

[kingsam]

either go celibate or stop thinking this crap
its retarded
every one has a past

 

[5string]

There are alot of these posts on here just like yours. The overwhelming advice is to LET IT GO. So what? She's with you right? That's all that matters. Do you not do some of the same things with her that you did with other women in your past? Hypocritical as noted above. Let it go brother. Another piece of advice. Not that you would, but never ask a woman about her intimate past. If she asks you, just tell her it's something in your past that you would rather not discuss. If she remains faithful, she is showing respect for you. If she strays, eject. Good luck.

 

[Kailex]

Now that I am thinking about things more in depth I think that the root of my issue is knowing that she has had these past experiences and that she can always compare back to it... thus putting pressure on me to keep up to "par" with her past experiences. So on some level I guess I have this pressure that is brought into the picture that gets in the way of me enjoying it and doing it for what it is. (I hope I'm making sense )

For the record, my gf is still a virgin, we decided that we would wait until we're engaged before we sleep together.

Wait a second... she's a virgin?
Then what in the world could she possibly compare you to?
The way you french kiss her better than anyone else???

Am I the only one seeing this?

I'm not trying to be condescending, HorH, I'm just trying to understand what EXACTLY you think she is comparing to other guys:

(1) Everything sexual not including intercourse (Ex: Oral sex, kissing, etc...)
(2) Comparison at an emotional level
(3) Expectations of the relationship

I'm just confused as to what you could possibly be so worried about.

Everyone that reads this thread will most likely associate what you are talking about as:

Heaven or Hell is worried about how many men this girl has been with and whether he was as good as they were.

But upon reading further, she's a virgin?

Now, I read back and I don't exactly know what you mean by you two being "sexual".

Now that I am thinking about things more in depth I think that the root of my issue is knowing that she has had these past experiences and that she can always compare back to it... thus putting pressure on me to keep up to "par" with her past experiences.

I think before anyone can say anything further to you, you need to SPECIFY what these past experiences could possibly be in YOUR mind. Remember, she is a virgin... so what is it that you are having difficulty with exactly? I've seen this situation before in the past, but it always seemed to be strcitly dealing with "full penetration and intercourse", but it seems like that is not the case here.

 

[Heaven or Hell]

either go celibate or stop thinking this crap
its retarded
every one has a past

I fully agree with you, I feel like I am being retarded, but fact remains, it still affects me and that's why I am here reaching out for help/advise/insight/wisdom/etc... Please feel free to share some...

There are alot of these posts on here just like yours. The overwhelming advice is to LET IT GO. So what? She's with you right? That's all that matters. Do you not do some of the same things with her that you did with other women in your past? Hypocritical as noted above. Let it go brother. Another piece of advice. Not that you would, but never ask a woman about her intimate past. If she asks you, just tell her it's something in you past that you would rather not discuss. If she remains faithful, she is showing respect for you. If she strays, eject. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply:

I think that what you need to understand is that I want to let it go, more than anything, I wanna be able to be okay with her past with guys, and that's why i am here to try and get advise on how to get into the right mindset so that I will be ABLE to be okay with it.

I have done things in the past with other women that I do with her, and I have actually come to regret it because of the way it makes me feel knowing about her past with ex's. She hasn't gone into details as haven't I, but for example when we were 1st dating and she gave me a handjob (soz for overshare) she said that she had never done something like that so soon in a relationship... so in my mind I was thinking "so soon? *mental image of her doing it with another guy*" - cause "so soon" means that she did do it with another guy, and that just made me lose the mood. Those types of thoughts and knowing that she's done these things with other guys in the past bothers me and I wish it didn't, and ideally once this thread comes to a conclusion I would like to be able to be in the right mindset.. I just need some constructive advise from those who are more experienced / wise on the issue.

I know I am being a hypocrite, and that also makes me wonder why it doesn't bother her about my sexual past with women, because to me it came naturally to have it bother me, I didn't choose for it to bother me, it just did/does, and I'm trying to understand myself. I know I'm being an idiot, but I still feel the way that I do about it & I need help (hence this thread)

Thanks again for the replies I really appreciate you guys taking the time to try and help me out, I'm a mess and its good to know that you guys are here & willing to set me straight when I'm thinking irrationally.

 

[Amante Silvestre 2]

I think before anyone can say anything further to you, you need to SPECIFY what these past experiences could possibly be in YOUR mind. I've seen this situation before in the past, but it always seemed to be strcitly dealing with "full penetration and intercourse", but it seems like that is not the case here.

I didn't realize this was the case either. I thought we were discussing actual sex.

Either way I still think the comparison issue could be at the root of things here. Or maybe it's the pressure of possibly being that FIRST guy she has intercourse with. It's a lifetime memory, after all. Maybe you're afraid it'll be a bad one?

 

[Heaven or Hell]

Wait a second... she's a virgin?
Then what in the world could she possibly compare you to?
The way you french kiss her better than anyone else???

Am I the only one seeing this?

I'm not trying to be condescending, HorH, I'm just trying to understand what EXACTLY you think she is comparing to other guys:

(1) Everything sexual not including intercourse (Ex: Oral sex, kissing, etc...)
(2) Comparison at an emotional level
(3) Expectations of the relationship

I'm just confused as to what you could possibly be so worried about.

Everyone that reads this thread will most likely associate what you are talking about as:

Heaven or Hell is worried about how many men this girl has been with and whether he was as good as they were.

But upon reading further, she's a virgin?

Now, I read back and I don't exactly know what you mean by you two being "sexual".



I think before anyone can say anything further to you, you need to SPECIFY what these past experiences could possibly be in YOUR mind. Remember, she is a virgin... so what is it that you are having difficulty with exactly? I've seen this situation before in the past, but it always seemed to be strcitly dealing with "full penetration and intercourse", but it seems like that is not the case here.

Thank you for the reply Kailex:

I think the main factor for me is option one that you stated "(1) Everything sexual not including intercourse (Ex: Oral sex, kissing, etc...)"

But like i said, the comparison factor isn;t the whole problem, it's actually more of a self realization that Amante Silvestre 2 made me realise.

The main issue with me is having the need/want to be the only one she has shared those intimate things with. on an emotional level I am confident that I am the best for her due to the kinda of relationship / connection we have, so thats not an issue at all for me... its just the sexual thing.. even though we're not talking about intercourse, its still everything else but that. It just bothers me, more than what I would have expected it to, to know that she has had intimate (and also emotional I guess) experiences with other guys. Its not that I think that they were better in any way, its just the fact that she had them.. its almost like I wanna be the only guy that she had these experiences with regardless of it being "good" or "bad" etc, and I know its totally irrational and unrealistic for me to expect that, but for some reason it bothers me knowing that she has had these experiences with other guys in the past.

Regarding the pressure about being her 1st, I honestly have confidence in myself and my sexual capabilities, I'm actually looking forward to our 1st sexual intercourse experience, I just wish there was a way that I could erase her memories of sexual / emotional experiences with other guys in her past so that I will be the one and only guy that she experienced those types of things with. I know this sounds crazy, I just thought to myself "i'm sounding crazy", but I'm really just typing out my emotions here so please try not read this with a critical and judgmental mindset, but rather a sympathetic and understanding one :nervous:

ahh I'm a mess right now :crazy:

p.s.: After venting and reading your replies I must admit I already feel slightly better / at ease about this whole thing, so thank you for the help thus far it really means a lot to me.

 

[5string]

Fair enough, and honest. Here is what I would do. Frame your mind to accept the fact that women can be just as curious, and have desire just like men do. Just keep telling yourself that. It's no big deal. Then tell yourself hey, she's with me! That should reinforce your masculinity. Fact...nearly everyone has a past, male or female. You do, and that is in your past as well. You have an insecurity issue here and you are unable to explain it to yourself. Heck, my wife has a past. I don't dwell on it. Get your mind right. You cannot change things over which you have no control.

 

[Heaven or Hell]

Frame your mind to accept the fact that women can be just as curious, and have desire just like men do.

Thank you for this, it actually made me look at her past experiences in a different perspective, this statement here is golden to me, thank you so much

Just keep telling yourself that. It's no big deal. Then tell yourself hey, she's with me! That should reinforce your masculinity. Fact...nearly everyone has a past, male or female. You do, and that is in your past as well. You have an insecurity issue here and you are unable to explain it to yourself. Heck, my wife has a past. I don't dwell on it. Get your mind right. You cannot change things over which you have no control

It made me realize that she is also just a girl in the world that was looking for her partner and wanted to experience different things etc, and perhaps her past experiences have actually made her realize/know what she looks for & doesn't look for, thus making me feel even better about myself because even after she had those experiences she still chooses every day when she wakes up that she wants to be with me.

Apart from my potential insecurities though, the main factor that was a problem to me was the thought of her experiencing these things with other guys, but that is just selfish and self centered of me to have a problem with her also being curious and looking for a partner. So while I still don't like the thought of her sharing that with other guys, I now look at it in a different light, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much.. I really feel like a can breathe better now. Thank you so much!

 

[5string]

Thank you for this, it actually made me look at her past experiences in a different perspective, this statement here is golden to me, thank you so much



It made me realize that she is also just a girl in the world that was looking for her partner and wanted to experience different things etc, and perhaps her past experiences have actually made her realize/know what she looks for & doesn't look for, thus making me feel even better about myself because even after she had those experiences she still chooses every day when she wakes up that she wants to be with me.

Apart from my potential insecurities though, the main factor that was a problem to me was the thought of her experiencing these things with other guys, but that is just selfish and self centered of me to have a problem with her also being curious and looking for a partner. So while I still don't like the thought of her sharing that with other guys, I now look at it in a different light, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much.. I really feel like a can breathe better now. Thank you so much!

You are very welcome. Look brother. Let these thoughts just run off your back. It's really not anything for you to worry about. It's just part of life. Enjoy this girl. All you need to know it that she desires you. I assure you that you are concerning yourself with something that is basically meaningless. You just need to realize it. IT DOES'NT REALLY MATTER....frame your mind with this buddy.

 

[Brighty]

Apart from my potential insecurities though, the main factor that was a problem to me was the thought of her experiencing these things with other guys, but that is just selfish and self centered of me to have a problem with her also being curious and looking for a partner. So while I still don't like the thought of her sharing that with other guys, I now look at it in a different light, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much.. I really feel like a can breathe better now. Thank you so much!

Good for you man, I know from my personal experience that dealing with a girl who has had other sexual partners is a definitive test of your self confidence. On one hand I would say be thankful that your girl hasn't actually slept with someone, but on the other I feel like in your next relationship that your girl may have and that you will need to be able to combat that hurdle when you get there.

Here's the best advice I can give for the scenario. My current girl that I'm dating has had a past, she's naturally very horny and as a result she has slept with several guys. I don't know the specifics, and quite frankly I don't care. See, when you are in a relationship with a girl, having sex with them isn't the same for her as it is for you. When a girl is in infatuated with a guy, sexual relationships to them are elevated and more special, meaning that no matter how bad you are at sexual relations (well if youre not like completely awful) to her she will always prefer sex with you because she feels that way about you.

Now, as I said about my current girl, I happen to be exceptional (forgive the egotistical **** here, I'm trying to make a point) at having sex despite not maybe having the biggest **** (I'm only 6 and a half inches). I'm gifted so that I can last for an exceedingly long time (she actually had to finish me by giving me head the first time we fvcked), but you have to realize that sex is more an emotional thing for girls than it is physical. Get into it, tease her, when you're making out bite her lower lip gently and tug at it - be a sensual person, realize that you're a sexy mother****er and you have this girl all to your self. Tell her how sexy she looks with your **** in her mouth, tell her to stare into your eyes as you're ****ing her. Do different positions, smack her ass, whisper dirty things in her ear, don't be afraid of your own sexuality. Tell her what you want and what you want her to do. On the flip side, when you're cuddling, talk to her about what she likes, where she likes it, and what she fantasizes about. Do that and you'll sexually have her in the palm of your hand.

The first time we ever had sex, she looked up into my eyes and told me that was the best she has ever had, and damn that felt good. What's more, do things she hasn't done before, ask her what her fantasies are, fvck her in places that she's never fvcked in before, make you stand out in her mind. I took her into the shower one day and I ate her out and I was surprised at the sounds she was making. Her ****ing legs almost gave out and she had the best orgasm she has ever had, and she has not let me forget that even after all this time. The only way she could describe it to me was that all of her feeling and sensations went straight into her ***** and my tongue was electrocuting her with pleasure. One of her fantasies was having sex in the shower and even though she's done it before with another guy, I will promise you right here and right now, that no matter how many guys or how many times she does it in the shower when we're no longer together, I promise you that she will never, ever forget that.

The point is, be passionate with her (this isn't a porn, even when you're not making love and just ****ing be passionate), have her in places she's fantasized about, have her in places she's never been, stimulate her emotional side of having sex and I promise you right here and now that you will never have to worry about her comparing you to other guys or her thinking that you're not as good as her past partners.