Dealing with older parents...

[romangod]

My father is 83 years old and my mother is 79 years old and in a nursing home. She had a stroke 2 years ago and we tried her at home for a while and it was too hard. The nursing home is working out well.

The problem is my father. He's a self-centered complainer who thinks his children's role is to be at his beck and call and that he's still the head of the family. He's starting to get on our nerves. He's as stubborn as a mule and whines and complains. He's driving his kids nuts.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to deal and cope with this? Thanks.

 

[penkitten]

your father is lonely dude.
he misses your mother since she is in the nursing home, he's never really lived life without her, has he?
he is old, and grew up in a generation where folks his age were at their parents beg and call when they needed, so he assumes this is the way to get you to help him on things and to spend time with him.
although he needs the help, he still wants to hold on to as much independence as possible so that he won't feel like an invalid.
once he hands that over, he will feel as if there is nothing left but to bide time until he passes away, and he doesn't want that.

i know you have other things to do, and perhaps a family of your own, and so do your siblings, but your father won't be around forever, he is 83. every day he wakes up is precious, go spend time with him. go help him do the things he asks.

our parents took care of us when we were small, and it is our job to take care of them when they get too old to do it themselves. remember karma, one day you will be old and need someone to be there for you.

how often is he allowed to visit your mom at the nursing home? perhaps a trip to see his beloved will bring a smile to his face.

good luck, and we are here if you need us

 

[joekerr31]

My father is 83 years old and my mother is 79 years old and in a nursing home. She had a stroke 2 years ago and we tried her at home for a while and it was too hard. The nursing home is working out well.

The problem is my father. He's a self-centered complainer who thinks his children's role is to be at his beck and call and that he's still the head of the family. He's starting to get on our nerves. He's as stubborn as a mule and whines and complains. He's driving his kids nuts.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to deal and cope with this? Thanks.

there are 2 types of people in this world. those who think its their responsibility to solve their own problems, and those who think others are obligated to solve them for them.

these 2 types of people exist at 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, etc.

unfortunately, if someone has lived 80 years expecting others to do what they say (which is merely a way of getting others to solve their problems for them) then the odds of them changing later in life are almost non existent.

i guess my perspective on the situation, and this will sound harsh, is to kind of see him like an old dog that cr*ps on the rug. when you have a pet and its getting towards the end of its life, it often times starts to do things like cr*p where it shouldn't, etc. - its not its fault, it just isn't as in control of itself as it use to be.

now most people, when it comes to their dog, will still love it unconditionally. no matter how bad it behaves in its old age, they love it as much as they can before its gone.

i suggest taking that perspective with your dad. one day he's going to be gone and when he is you'll wish you could have another day with him. so even though he's not behaving his best, try to see past the bad behavior and focus on being happy that he's still around.

 

[romangod]

your father is lonely dude.
he misses your mother since she is in the nursing home, he's never really lived life without her, has he?
he is old, and grew up in a generation where folks his age were at their parents beg and call when they needed, so he assumes this is the way to get you to help him on things and to spend time with him.
although he needs the help, he still wants to hold on to as much independence as possible so that he won't feel like an invalid.
once he hands that over, he will feel as if there is nothing left but to bide time until he passes away, and he doesn't want that.

i know you have other things to do, and perhaps a family of your own, and so do your siblings, but your father won't be around forever, he is 83. every day he wakes up is precious, go spend time with him. go help him do the things he asks.

our parents took care of us when we were small, and it is our job to take care of them when they get too old to do it themselves. remember karma, one day you will be old and need someone to be there for you.

how often is he allowed to visit your mom at the nursing home? perhaps a trip to see his beloved will bring a smile to his face.

good luck, and we are here if you need us

Thanks for your response, penkitten.

He does miss my mother and it seems he finally got over his self-centeredness and loves her more now than he ever did. Better late than never and that part is good.

Both my parents were immigrants and didn't have to deal with this situation with their parents. They simply received a letter that their parents had died, grieved and moved on without the trials and tribulations that they are putting us through. As children we've gone beyond the call of duty and take good care of both of them and tend to their needs. My conscience is clear and my mother keeps praising me as a son and says she didn't realize how good I am. I've probably wiped her A** over a thousand times in the last 2 1/2 years and she's so thankful.

He visits her at the home 4 days a week and I along with my brothers and sisters visit her on the other three. I'm the only one that that goes on all 3 days.

The problem is my father. He thinks she's going to come home one day as if nothing ever happened. He wants to bring her home for Easter and I'm dead against it. I can't be available because I am without a licence at the moment and don't trust him taking care of her. He can't handle it and we all know it but him. It's not easy.

I've got to come to terms with my relationship with him.

 

[romangod]

i suggest taking that perspective with your dad. one day he's going to be gone and when he is you'll wish you could have another day with him. so even though he's not behaving his best, try to see past the bad behavior and focus on being happy that he's still around.

You're absolutely right, joekerr31. I'm trying hard to put him in the proper perspective especially after my recent problems. I love my father but a part of me says I love him more than he deserves. I'm there for him now more than he ever was for me as I grew up. I don't blame him. It's just what it is. Freud would have a field day with him. :crackup:

 

[Latinoman]

My father is 83 years old and my mother is 79 years old and in a nursing home. She had a stroke 2 years ago and we tried her at home for a while and it was too hard. The nursing home is working out well.

The problem is my father. He's a self-centered complainer who thinks his children's role is to be at his beck and call and that he's still the head of the family. He's starting to get on our nerves. He's as stubborn as a mule and whines and complains. He's driving his kids nuts.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to deal and cope with this? Thanks.

The woman he loves is in a nursing home and had a stroke two years ago. I would say that he deserves a FREE OUT OF JAIL card...don't you agree?
Give the man a break. He is 83.

 

[Latinoman]

By the way...on the issue of bringing her home...I have no comment as you are better equiped to see if it is a good idea. Probably not.

He is obviously in a dispair situation as he is not with the woman of his life. And trust me...regardless of how little love he has shown in the early years...you can rest assure he always LOVED her.

 

[romangod]

The woman he loves is in a nursing home and had a stroke two years ago. I would say that he deserves a FREE OUT OF JAIL card...don't you agree?
Give the man a break. He is 83.

I agree, Latinoman. What I'm dealing with is part of life and I have to put it all in its proper perspective. It is what it is and I have faith that I will deal with it as a Mature Man. Cheers!

 

[romangod]

I'm coming to terms with my father and think that it is getting better. Today on my morning call to him he told me he loved me and that I am a good son. Progress!

 

[penkitten]

i am so glad to hear of the progress

 

[romangod]

i am so glad to hear of the progress

Thanks, Penkitten. Cheers!