Date and Breakup

[Desdinova]

I went on a date last night with a 21 year old. I've NEVER dated a woman with such a huge age gap. She's 11 years younger than me, looks fantastic, and seems to be pretty crazy about me. I can thank the use of kino for bagging this chick.

Now, here's the downside. I'm still with my 34 year old gf. We have a commitment this coming weekend. We get along really well, she treats me pretty good, and we don't fight. However, she's gained quite a bit of weight over the last couple of months and I'm not finding her attractive anymore. I tried getting her to workout with me, but she started complaining after 30 seconds of exercise. So, I've been trying to figure out how to break up with her.

A couple weeks back, she gave me a reason to initiate a breakup. She told me that she was quite resentful of my ex-wife because she 'took away my one shot at marriage and my one shot at having kids.' She said that if she decides to stay with me, she'll have to give all that up. My gf has never been married and has no kids, and at age 34 with the ticking biological clock, this can be a major concern.

I'm going to tell her in a couple of weeks that we need a break and this is something she has to decide on her own. I don't want her to resent me for not being able to give her a wedding and kids, which is becoming quite apparent.

I'll be doing this in a couple of weeks, and it's probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've never had a woman treat me that well, but I can't stay with someone I'm not physically attracted to.

I think I really needed that LTR to help me level out from my 5hitty marriage where my wife was never home. I was extremely attention-starved when I entered back into the dating world, and it negatively affected my dating life. I'm no longer attention-starved and can enter back into the dating world with my head screwed on straight.

 

[5string]

Des

Lose your girl and get with the 21 yr old. Do it for yourself brother. I would if I were you. Don't put it off. You are not attracted to your GF any longer. Time to move on. You know this buddy.

The age thing is of no concern. When I was 51, I was doing a 24 yr old hottie. They don't care and really get into it. The knowledge that you have now at your age sets you apart from the younger bucks. Use it. Have fun.

Sorry about your GF, but it's over. You have admitted it to yourself. I know it hurts. Been there.

 

[Colossus]

I think that's a really good call Des. Let her sort it out, because you're right, she will resent you for it unless she can reconcile this with herself.

As for the weight thing, that just sucks. It sucks because very rarely (in my observation) do they lose the weight for you. They need the motivator of being single. The other sucky aspect is that women who have a propensity to gain weight dont lose that propensity. So the possibility of her lazing her way into fatness is always there.

 

[zekko]

she's gained quite a bit of weight over the last couple of months and I'm not finding her attractive anymore. I tried getting her to workout with me, but she started complaining after 30 seconds of exercise.

Generally speaking, I don't think working out alone will make you lose weight. With me it usually makes me hungry. To lose weight, I think having your diet together first is most important. You can go out and run four miles, but if you eat a pack of twinkies afterwards, you aren't going to lose any weight.

The age thing is of no concern. When I was 51, I was doing a 24 yr old hottie.

This is why it cracks me up every time I read a post on here from some 31 year old guy complaining because he's too old to date girls in their 20s anymore.
Or when a 26 year old talks about being creeped out because some 34 year old in the bar hits on younger girls.

I don't find that age is that important, even though there are guys on here who will swear up and down that it is.

 

[Desdinova]

Generally speaking, I don't think working out alone will make you lose weight. With me it usually makes me hungry. To lose weight, I think having your diet together first is most important. You can go out and run four miles, but if you eat a pack of twinkies afterwards, you aren't going to lose any weight.

I'm very much aware of that. I've successfully lost weight before, and I know how to do it. I'm on a bit of a 'maintenance run' because I gained about 8 lbs over the last 1 1/2 years. When things start fitting tight, I become concerned and do something about it. I wish more women were like that.

The age difference doesn't really concern me, I just think (like you) that men who say they're too old to date young women are incredibly stupid. Older women hate it when men date younger women, because their wrinkly asses aren't valuable anymore. That's why men have been programmed to think this way. BTW, it was HER that asked me out. She's a fvcking hot little sweetie

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Des,
Most of the Older Guys can identify with your situation....For a Man as socially confident and interesting as you,11 years age difference is really quite OK...Main thing is to stay fit and Healthy....As for your current Lady,you really don't have to do anything,things are sorting themselves out....the easiest way is simply to find excuses for not seeing them...Eventually,and you might be surprised just how much punishment they can take,she will lay down an Ultimatum...This will allow both of you to slide out of the relationship gracefully...I have found,as you pull away from them,they find you more attractive...Probably,you couldn't care a Rats Toss what your Mates or Family think about your relationships...For a Woman who can no longer keep her Man,there is a tremendous loss of Face and Social Prestige.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

You've already cheated on her man...probably would have been better to end it earlier, especially if she had treated you well. IDK -- this approach just seems cold especially to someone who helped you emotionally heal. I do understand if she wants kids and marriage and you do not. At some point, I agree, there will be a tipping point. But you've already moved past all of that by taking on a new lay...and sure fine, but that 21 year old isn't going to give you a level of maturity that the 34 year old did...enjoy her 21 year old body and whatever her immature mind can contribute...but at some point too there is more to life than sex and fvcking...I'm just saying.

IDK, I just always feel bad for those who work hard in a relationship to give or treat another well but get dumped anyways...the reality is that sexual lust is important...but it seems like a real relationship ought to have some deeper foundational level than just that...

What if rather than continue to wander, how about taking some leadership over meals and what food is brought into the house?

I'm not saying your relationship can be saved -- but aren't there alternatives to her being overweight to be attempted other than leaving her behind in the dust? I'm sure she's aware of what's happened to her own body too and having helped several people lose weight myself, most of them don't get what they're doing wrong or don't fully "see the solution"...everyone needs a little help at times.

 

[scrouds]

Have your cake and eat it too. Don't let the moralists get to you.

 

[Ninja Dude]

Have your cake and eat it too. Don't let the moralists get to you.

Ya know, for someone who claims to loathe the idea of people pushing their ideals, you sure do have a knack for imposing yours. I'm not judging or disrespecting, just find it .. interesting.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I suppose everyone has different psychologies they carry into situations, the world "girlfriend" can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people...it just seems like there is more to life than just banging and popping loads...clearly sexual drive with your partner is important...but any sort of LTR must express some patience at times, no? How can a person always be 100% all the time?

 

[Desdinova]

You've already cheated on her man...probably would have been better to end it earlier, especially if she had treated you well. IDK -- this approach just seems cold especially to someone who helped you emotionally heal. I do understand if she wants kids and marriage and you do not. At some point, I agree, there will be a tipping point. But you've already moved past all of that by taking on a new lay...

I haven't fvcked the 21 year old yet, I took her out on one date. I also knew this LTR wasn't going to last forever when I got into it. A woman in her mid-30s with no kids is going to have issues, especially since I'm not wanting the same things that she wants. Our futures are currently NOT in alignment with each other, and it's just a matter of time before she totally hates me for not giving her marriage and children. I don't want that, and would prefer to let her decide what she wants on her own. I do give a damn about her, but I don't want to ruin her options nor be in a LTR right now.

and sure fine, but that 21 year old isn't going to give you a level of maturity that the 34 year old did...enjoy her 21 year old body and whatever her immature mind can contribute...

I'm aware of that since I've seen it first hand. Maturity, loyalty, commitment and respect are all wonderful things to have in a LTR, but I don't want a LTR at this point in my life.

but at some point too there is more to life than sex and fvcking...I'm just saying.

Yes, there's marriage and kids. I've done both. I ended my marriage 1 1/2 years ago. The last thing I'm looking to do is replace my marriage with a LTR. The last batch of women I've dated and my LTR have helped me level out from the disaster that my marriage was. When I ended my marriage (to a woman who was never home), I was very starved for attention and needed more commitment from women that weren't ready to provide it. That starvation for attention has been satisfied and I'm now emotionally stable enough to think with my brain. I'm not desperate anymore, and I know what I currently want in my life, and it doesn't include having a live-in girlfriend. I want to take care of my child, my home, my hobbies, my passions, and women are quite welcome to come along for the ride. Perhaps I will again find a woman who's idea for the future is in sync with mine, but that's not happening with the girl I'm in a LTR with.

She told me she can't stand living alone which is why she's living with her parents. If a woman's future is going to be in sync with mine, she needs to be able to hold down her own place, be independent, and have no desire to become pregnant. You can't really learn all this 5hit about a woman on one or two dates. She could tell you she's fine with all of that, but you can't believe a woman's words, only her actions. My LTR's reactions to my standpoint on marriage and kids is very noticeably uncomfortable. She got upset with me for telling one of her family members that I didn't want any more kids.

I am NOT the right man for her. Just because she's incredibly attracted to me and extremely loyal does not make us an ideal match.

IDK, I just always feel bad for those who work hard in a relationship to give or treat another well but get dumped anyways...the reality is that sexual lust is important...but it seems like a real relationship ought to have some deeper foundational level than just that...

I agree 100%, but that foundation includes each individual's ideas of what they want in their future. All I can see for our future is her increased resentment for my standpoint on marriage and children, and we end up hating each other. I don't want that.

What if rather than continue to wander, how about taking some leadership over meals and what food is brought into the house?

The food that goes in and out of my house is fine. Her diet isn't her problem, it's her lack of physical activity. She has a sit-down job. Then she goes home and sits down. I only see her three days a week. She needs to be responsible for the other four. If she has no motivation to do something about her physical appearance, I'll be wasting my energy and time on her. She needs to genuinely want to improve in order to be successful in losing weight.

 

[scrouds]

Ya know, for someone who claims to loathe the idea of people pushing their ideals, you sure do have a knack for imposing yours. I'm not judging or disrespecting, just find it .. interesting.

Hey, do what you will. The world will always need sheep to do their bidding.

But you're right in a way. I read Desdi's post pretty quick, missed some important stuff and went off half ****ed. If he doesn't want the old model, ditch it.

 

[Desdinova]

Des--I'm with 5string on this one. Don't drag this thing on. Just end it now. No reason to prolong the inevitable.

The only reason I'm prolonging the breakup is because we have a commitment this Saturday night that can't really be canceled. After that's done, then I can end it.

 

[scrouds]

"its not you, its me. Goodbye"

 

[Findog]

Nothing wrong with ending a relationship if you're not getting your needs met and you've communicated to your SO what those needs are repeatedly without making any headway...but if it were the other way around and the girl was going on dates with guys before breaking things off with her boyfriend, we'd criticize her for it and rightly so.

The OP should have formally terminated the relationship before looking for a replacement. We get bent out of shape when girls do this, so why are we entitled to line up a replacement instead of trying to work things out?

Based on what the OP has said, I think it's the right call to break up since they want different things when it comes to marriage and kids, but we'd be calling the girl all kinds of names and castigating her character if it were the other way around.

 

[Colossus]

^ He's got a point.