critique me please

[ne0phyte]

so i started hanging out with this girl at school, so i suggested we study together. while studying, we were alone, i worked in some light kino, a little sexual conversation. we talked about undergrad, about how amazing sex on ectasy is, and whether her first time was what she expected. I'm still trying to get comfortable with the sexual convo talk, so let me know whether I could've done better, or if this was good enough. I would say those sexual topics just came up naturally and didn't seem forced (which i liked), but i still don't know how much sexual talk I should be doing.

but anyway, we finished studying and everything seemed... good? the girl didn't seem disinterested, laughed at my jokes, had good eye contact, etc. as we were about to leave, we got an reminder email about a happy hour one of our school clubs was having, so i was like "hey, lets grab a few drinks to reward ourselves for a long day of studying". she agreed, so we carpooled there (I drove).

at the happy hour, we sit down at a table where some of the club members are sitting. I make small talk with the other members to show her that I'm not just there to drink/hit on her. i include her in the conversation still, so it's not like i suddenly froze her out once we got there. But here comes the weird part.

the big table we were sitting at were mostly 2nd year people in our master's program, and we are first years (she didn't know any of the 2nd years at all). When our first year friends came to the happy hour, she bolted from her seat across from me. It wasn't "hey, lets go talk to our friends". It was more of a "hey jennifer!", waves hello and runs over to sit down next to her, at the far end of an adjacent table. completely left me hanging.

I was going to get up and move over with this girl (but i realized how afc that would be thanks to this site), so I just turned a little in my chair and said hello to our 1st year friends. I went back talking with the 2nd years while more and more of our 1st year friends showed up. the girl never came back to where she was sitting at my table, but decided to move up closer and sat behind me, but still at the 1st year table. I decided to pull away a bit, so i made some small talk with her after she moved closer, and then ignored her for the rest of the night.

the 2nd years left and soon it was just me at my table, since I was still waiting on my food. I wanted to join our 1st year friends table, but I didn't want to risk looking like i was following her like a lapdog, so i told some of my 1st year friends at the table to join me.

fortunately, they did and accompanied me as i ate. they were my female friends too, and i noticed that got her a bit jealous, bc i saw her watching us from her seat (her look seemed to indicate that she realized she shouldn't have ditched me, but was too stubborn to come back to me). i continued to not care.

after happy hour was done, i drove her and another one of my friends home. even tho her stuff was up front where she originally sat, she chose to sit in the back and was really quiet.

so where do I go from here? did i react to her ditching me correctly? did I over do the ignoring? ie, should i have been warmer to her after a little while at the happy hour? do i bring it up? should I still pursue this one, or was her ditching me a huge red flag?

again, what pissed me off was the way she left me. she didn't ask me to join her, or even bothered to politely brush me off by saying "excuse me while I join my friends". and at the same time, I don't even know why her interest suddenly disappeared. we weren't even at the happy hour long b4 she ditched me.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

The problem isn't that this girl got up from a seat. Or that she talked to her friends. Or that she was quiet on the ride home.

The problem is you. You're trying to read signals from this girl instead of diving in and finding out. A comparison would be....if you want to know if the ocean is cold, you look at it for a while, you listen to see if other people comment on the temperature, or you read books on ocean coldness.....or you simply dip your feet in and find out.

You think that if a girl likes you, she's gonna sit next to you all night? Gonna not talk to her friends? Gonna be super excited to be around you, like a hyper puppy? I'm not saying the girl likes you or hates you. I'm just saying that you're not putting in any work to find out.

Know how I find out if a girl likes me? I say "Yo, let's get some beers." We get drinks, and I do some KINO...light touching....nothing too sexual, just trying to slowly break into her comfort zone. If everything feels receptive, I make a move for a kiss. If a kiss works, I try to bring her home. And if things don't work out, that's fine too. At least I got my answer.

The point is, i DO things. I don't sit back waiting for the girl to give me a written invitation into her vagina. Stop looking for signs, and start putting her in situations where you can get a response to what you're looking for.

Where this girl sits at a dinner table is not an indicator of her interest in you. She's a grown woman...,most girls aren't going to follow you around all night to let you know how interested they are. Maybe in 8th grade. But not now.

so where do I go from here? did i react to her ditching me correctly? did I over do the ignoring? ie, should i have been warmer to her after a little while at the happy hour? do i bring it up? should I still pursue this one, or was her ditching me a huge red flag?

Look at this stuff. Should you bring it up? Bring what up? Hah. There's nothing to bring up and there are no red flags, because nothing happened. This is a total non-event. There are no indicators of her interest levels. And there are no indicators of her NOT liking you. You're acting like she did this stuff during a date. It wasn't a date. You bring a girl to a public venue where her friends are around...what else would you expect?

 

[ne0phyte]

very good points. i think my biggest problem is I over-analyze every damn thing a girl that I like says or does. thanks for this.

 

[PapiChulo]

^^^^ just ignore it completely and dont ask why she did it. Women will do this spontaneous stuff. It happened to me a few times, where she would simply ignore me and then all over sudden show interest in me next week. The thing is there is interest but how much of it is unknown - there can even be other guys in the picture, etc. So, it's basically up to you to build attraction and comfort.


Also remember to take over the whole company, including guys, so that you are socializing with entire set.


Dont wait too long, or otherwise you will get friendzoned. Take action, be bold.

 

[bertstayr]

very good points. i think my biggest problem is I over-analyze every damn thing a girl that I like says or does. thanks for this.

ur epically overanalysing everything man. this is THE one wrong behaviour on this site which leads to people failing.

you did NOTHING wrong. you're overanalysing super small sh*t as well such as should i have moved with her - the likely answer is probably no because it would indeed be a bit clingy, but at the same time, it wouldn't have an effect at all on anything if you did. PLUS, it all DEPENDS on how comfortable you are with yourself - if you made it awkward it would indeed be, if you were confident, she would love it.

stop focusing on the small things and things you cant control. be a man, work on yourself, be the prize, improve yourself <-- the most important basic principles on this site. nothing else is important.

if you ever get to thinking or stressing about 'should i have * instead of * in this situation', you already failed.

 

[f283000]

very good points. i think my biggest problem is I over-analyze every damn thing a girl that I like says or does. thanks for this.

Stop trying to analyze every little thing a woman does specially a woman who hasn't even given you secks yet! A woman you haven't even kissed or gone on a 1 on 1 date yet.

I think you did well in ignoring her you handled it perfectly. If you had shown just 1 bit of feeling bothered by her ditching you then you would have lost. She's not your gf yet you can't be missing her yet or feeling jealous. She would have noticed this right away and she would have lost any attraction she could have had for you. You would have raised your white flag when it comes to being a challenge for this girl.

BTW do not bring this up. I can't believe you would be thinking or suggesting such a stupid thing. Unless of course you want to hand her your balls and start apologizing already to a girl that isn't even your gf. That's a good way to kill her attraction for you if that's what you want.

But if what you want is this girl then stop analyzing and ask her out. That's how you answer all the questions. Ask her out and see what she says.

 

[Chickfight]

I think you did alright. You did over-analyze though. The mistake I think you made was assuming her leaving the table was an indicator of disinterest. It doesn't mean anything. In any case, you did the right thing by not following her, but you shouldn't have ignored her the whole night. You should have reengaged her later on.

For instance I met up with in a group with 2 guy friends, 1 female friend and a girl who I was interested in. She didn't necessarily show any huge signs of interest and would often leave me to talk/walk with the female friend. However, I ASSUMED interest. When she did this, I didn't reengage her immediately (same as you), I chilled with my guy friends, but after after a while I might throw my arm around her a start flirting a bit. I ended up isolating her later on and making out with her.

Same thing with another girl at some expo, she'd wander and look and some exhibits and I'd just let her go and go look at other stuff, but I'll reengage her later by say "hey, come over at look at this". You can't expect her to reengage. Girl's don't generally do this. It's your job to lead the flow.

It can be considered a sh!t test. She's testing your neediness to see if you'll follow her which you passed, but you didn't get back on it.

Good news is that there shouldn't be any permanent damage done. All you have to do is call her, be nice and ask her out. It's very likely she'll accept.

Being a bit too much of an d!ck is fine, it can easily be forgotten if you act nice a charming afterwards. Atleast you didn't act afc, that's hard to come back from. All about finding the balance.

 

[ne0phyte]

thanks again guys. this stuff isn't ingrained in me yet, which prob makes me prone to over-analyze what I'm doing / how she's reacting. but yeah, i'm gonna ask her to hangout with me one on one and I'll make a move haha.

but yeah, this site, the book of pook, and you guys have helped me a lot. i definitely make mistakes, and progress in changing my old afc ways is slow, but I'm already starting to see that it's working and worth it.

the old me woulda followed this girl around the entire night and wouldn't have even bothered to talk to my other classmates. that woulda worked out real well haha. i definitely made a mountain out of a mole-hill here, but i know i'll eventually get to the point where this would be natural to me.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

What you've did on that particular night was CREATE an uncomfortable environment after you two were separated at the different tables for so long.

Yes it was good that you didn't run after to follow her right away when she went to the other table, but after all the people at your table left and you were waiting on your food, what's the big deal to go sit at the table with everyone??? It wasn't a big deal at all, BUT you MADE IT a big deal with over-analyzing the potential implications of "how that would make you look." It seriously amazes me how guys on this board make things SO MUCH more difficult than it needs to be....

Now everyone saying that you didn't mess up and your fine, ARE WRONG! Why? Well like I said above, in the beginning it was no big deal that you were doing your own thing, but after so long and ESPECIALLY after everyone at your table left, you should have joined the other table. It wouldn't have made you look weak, it wouldn't have made you look like a chump....BUT THEN you sent a bad vibe by calling some of the friends from that table over to yours......this was completely clear when the target girl chose to sit in the back on the ride home. What are you a taxi driver?

This is a perfect example of how the vibe you give off, will eventually be felt by the girl. If your over-analyzing everything and constantly worried, she will pick up on that. In this situation you acted weird for no reason and it obviously had an effect on the girl.


Now I will agree and say that no permanent damage was done on that night and if you go back to being fun, cool and confident you can proceed like that night at the bar never happened.

But STOP worrying so much, women like confidence....if your CONFIDENT you can pull off ANYTHING! Including giving the girl you like some attention!




PIMP

 

[ne0phyte]

hmm good point about giving off bad vibes by doing that. explains why she sat in the back. my other friend was sitting in the front (so it's not like i'm a taxi cab for both of them haha). my table emptied, i got up and talked to with people at the other tables ( i know a lot of different social groups). i did talk with her and my friends at their table, I just didn't sit down with them because it was packed. It was a table meant for 6 chairs, but like 10-12 people were already sitting there because they are very clique-ish. when my food arrived, thats when I told some of my friends to join me.

see, i'm coming from the complete afc end where I would shower the girl with attention because I couldn't control my interest. i guess that's why i'm overcompensating by going completely on the opposite end.

great tips guys - don't overthink things, stay cool and confident, let her know you're not her lapdog, but don't be afraid to give her attention either haha

 

[Chickfight]

hmm good point about giving off bad vibes by doing that. explains why she sat in the back. my other friend was sitting in the front (so it's not like i'm a taxi cab for both of them haha). my table emptied, i got up and talked to with people at the other tables ( i know a lot of different social groups). i did talk with her and my friends at their table, I just didn't sit down with them because it was packed. It was a table meant for 6 chairs, but like 10-12 people were already sitting there because they are very clique-ish. when my food arrived, thats when I told some of my friends to join me.

see, i'm coming from the complete afc end where I would shower the girl with attention because I couldn't control my interest. i guess that's why i'm overcompensating by going completely on the opposite end.

great tips guys - don't overthink things, stay cool and confident, let her know you're not her lapdog, but don't be afraid to give her attention either haha

Again, this is all fine. The only thing you did wrong is not reengage the girl you were interested in. She obviously was interested too, because she was bummed out by it, but you misread her test (subconcious or not) as disinterest. Call her and ask her out. Let us know how it goes.

NOTE: and don't apologize for anything, maybe acknowledge that she seemed a bit pissed off at you. Then just ask her out regardless of her response.