This is going to be a long one but I really could use some input right now.
About 4 years ago I went to law school and was about to go for my bar exam. I had a job as a bartender on the side that paid good money and provided a good supply of female customers, male and female co-workers and a lot of other people to socialize with and have fun with. I also like to believe that I have a large circle of good (male & female) friends. Some of them I have known my entire life. I have never been much of a womanizer and haven’t been in a LTR for a long time, but I always had my share of girls. I went out to the bars and clubs at least 3 times a week. My cell would ring every 5 minutes for a call or a text. Life was good.
Then my father died after he’s been 4 month in a hospital. The bar I worked for closed and had to let everybody go. I blew my bar exam (due to the given circumstances and the fact that I just didn’t study hard enough to pass) and I dropped out of law school.
After my father’s death my mom barely held it together. So without any mourning on my part, I had to take care of my mother. After a couple of months I also enrolled in a master´s program and found myself a new job in an office environment.
The first months after my father’s death good friends, girls, co-workers etc. would call all the time to cheer me up or to tell me “Bro, I got your back” or “Baby, I will always be there for you”. But I just didn’t have the time to meet with them, to let them support me, to let them cheer me up or to do whatever. To be alone, to be on my own felt the right thing to do at the time. Besides, my new job, my new master’s program and my mother who is still in bad shape used up pretty much all of my time. Eventually they stopped calling and texting.
About a year later normality slowly began to sink in again. Job pays lousy but enough to survive for now. My mother is still depressed and consumes a lot of my time but I have learned to deal with it and cheer her up. Studies are going excellent for the most part. But my private and social life has obviously suffered a lot. The circle of people I used to party with and go to bars and clubs with has somehow magically disappeared. Good friends are still there but most them are busy themselves all the time and won’t go out very much. I am not the person to directly ask anyone for help, so I would call and ask something like “Do you have plans for the weekend? Let’s go out and have some fun!” but most of the time people have become unavailable or have other plans. So I pretty much gave up on that.
Don’t mean to be bitter or blame anyone in particular, because every single one has good reasons and I know, it isn’t to diss me, but they really do have a lot of other stuff going on. There was a great girl I used to work with at the bar who kept calling me for a long period of time but since I was unavailable in every way, she eventually disappeared and has a BF by now. Can’t blame her either because I wouldn’t wait for someone else for over a year or even longer as well. Since I had so much trouble I thought I could stall for time until “things got better” so I didn’t make any moves since I felt that I hadn’t much to offer anyway. Miss her very much though.
Anyway, fast forward to the present day. Basically everything is on the right track. School is well; will take me another year to finish. Job sucks harder than ever but given the recent global crisis, it’s still good I guess. My mother is basically ok too and I have managed to cut down the time we spend together to an acceptable level. I started to hit the gym again since I gained a few pounds over the last years and started swimming, jogging and biking again whenever I have the time.
The problem I am facing however, is being alone all the time. Either at the office with no co-workers to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, these people are ok, they’re just not friends you would hang out with or talk about private stuff. Most of them are older anyway. Or I am at home studying. Or I am at my mother’s place. Or doing my sports thing – alone.
It’s not that I feel really lonely or overly depressed about my situation, it’s just that my inner monologue is killing me. After 4 years there is absolutely nothing I have to say to myself anymore. Whenever I am on the phone with a good friend of mine, I have to stop myself from talking about my life or my problems since I could go on for hours and hours but I don’t want to bore anyone to death.
I know that times will change for the better again, but the problem I am facing right now is that I am starting to feel socially retarded. On the one hand I am dying to get out on a Friday or Saturday night. On the other hand, when I finally do once a month or so, I am feeling out of place and can’t seem to relax and enjoy the night. I am always in my head. Hadn’t had a serious date for a while not to mention sex, so I also find it difficult to chat up new people or girls even when there is a rare occasion for it.
I considered myself to be fairly confident, well educated, socially adjusted and most important - I always felt that I could handle whatever life would throw at me. All that somehow seems to go away and I am starting to second guess every decision I make, every move I make.
Like I stated before, I never was much of a DJ but have done ok. All that seems to be gone at the moment and I can’t seem to get it back. I think I have done what needed to be done in the last for years and everything is going well but in the private and social sector I just can’t pick up momentum and can’t get back in the saddle. I am not the guy to go out to bars or clubs at night on my own. A cup of coffee during daytime at best. So going out alone is not an option. Going back to bartending is not an option either. My job pays lousy, but it pays better than bartending would do right now. Since I dropped out of law school I am thankful for that master’s program and the job I got right now so I don’t feel like taking any risks or doing some experimental stuff. Maybe that’s part of the problem. The fear of screwing up.
I really appreciate the advice given on this site since it helped me a lot, especially in the last 4 years. Maybe there’s someone around who has been in a similar situation and can give practical advice or input. Any feedback is welcome.
About 4 years ago I went to law school and was about to go for my bar exam. I had a job as a bartender on the side that paid good money and provided a good supply of female customers, male and female co-workers and a lot of other people to socialize with and have fun with. I also like to believe that I have a large circle of good (male & female) friends. Some of them I have known my entire life. I have never been much of a womanizer and haven’t been in a LTR for a long time, but I always had my share of girls. I went out to the bars and clubs at least 3 times a week. My cell would ring every 5 minutes for a call or a text. Life was good.
Then my father died after he’s been 4 month in a hospital. The bar I worked for closed and had to let everybody go. I blew my bar exam (due to the given circumstances and the fact that I just didn’t study hard enough to pass) and I dropped out of law school.
After my father’s death my mom barely held it together. So without any mourning on my part, I had to take care of my mother. After a couple of months I also enrolled in a master´s program and found myself a new job in an office environment.
The first months after my father’s death good friends, girls, co-workers etc. would call all the time to cheer me up or to tell me “Bro, I got your back” or “Baby, I will always be there for you”. But I just didn’t have the time to meet with them, to let them support me, to let them cheer me up or to do whatever. To be alone, to be on my own felt the right thing to do at the time. Besides, my new job, my new master’s program and my mother who is still in bad shape used up pretty much all of my time. Eventually they stopped calling and texting.
About a year later normality slowly began to sink in again. Job pays lousy but enough to survive for now. My mother is still depressed and consumes a lot of my time but I have learned to deal with it and cheer her up. Studies are going excellent for the most part. But my private and social life has obviously suffered a lot. The circle of people I used to party with and go to bars and clubs with has somehow magically disappeared. Good friends are still there but most them are busy themselves all the time and won’t go out very much. I am not the person to directly ask anyone for help, so I would call and ask something like “Do you have plans for the weekend? Let’s go out and have some fun!” but most of the time people have become unavailable or have other plans. So I pretty much gave up on that.
Don’t mean to be bitter or blame anyone in particular, because every single one has good reasons and I know, it isn’t to diss me, but they really do have a lot of other stuff going on. There was a great girl I used to work with at the bar who kept calling me for a long period of time but since I was unavailable in every way, she eventually disappeared and has a BF by now. Can’t blame her either because I wouldn’t wait for someone else for over a year or even longer as well. Since I had so much trouble I thought I could stall for time until “things got better” so I didn’t make any moves since I felt that I hadn’t much to offer anyway. Miss her very much though.
Anyway, fast forward to the present day. Basically everything is on the right track. School is well; will take me another year to finish. Job sucks harder than ever but given the recent global crisis, it’s still good I guess. My mother is basically ok too and I have managed to cut down the time we spend together to an acceptable level. I started to hit the gym again since I gained a few pounds over the last years and started swimming, jogging and biking again whenever I have the time.
The problem I am facing however, is being alone all the time. Either at the office with no co-workers to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, these people are ok, they’re just not friends you would hang out with or talk about private stuff. Most of them are older anyway. Or I am at home studying. Or I am at my mother’s place. Or doing my sports thing – alone.
It’s not that I feel really lonely or overly depressed about my situation, it’s just that my inner monologue is killing me. After 4 years there is absolutely nothing I have to say to myself anymore. Whenever I am on the phone with a good friend of mine, I have to stop myself from talking about my life or my problems since I could go on for hours and hours but I don’t want to bore anyone to death.
I know that times will change for the better again, but the problem I am facing right now is that I am starting to feel socially retarded. On the one hand I am dying to get out on a Friday or Saturday night. On the other hand, when I finally do once a month or so, I am feeling out of place and can’t seem to relax and enjoy the night. I am always in my head. Hadn’t had a serious date for a while not to mention sex, so I also find it difficult to chat up new people or girls even when there is a rare occasion for it.
I considered myself to be fairly confident, well educated, socially adjusted and most important - I always felt that I could handle whatever life would throw at me. All that somehow seems to go away and I am starting to second guess every decision I make, every move I make.
Like I stated before, I never was much of a DJ but have done ok. All that seems to be gone at the moment and I can’t seem to get it back. I think I have done what needed to be done in the last for years and everything is going well but in the private and social sector I just can’t pick up momentum and can’t get back in the saddle. I am not the guy to go out to bars or clubs at night on my own. A cup of coffee during daytime at best. So going out alone is not an option. Going back to bartending is not an option either. My job pays lousy, but it pays better than bartending would do right now. Since I dropped out of law school I am thankful for that master’s program and the job I got right now so I don’t feel like taking any risks or doing some experimental stuff. Maybe that’s part of the problem. The fear of screwing up.
I really appreciate the advice given on this site since it helped me a lot, especially in the last 4 years. Maybe there’s someone around who has been in a similar situation and can give practical advice or input. Any feedback is welcome.
