Controlling Mother

[King Tuz]

My mates, mother is just too controlling.

He is such an AFC whenever you even MENTION her. He needs to ASK her if he can go outside. He needs to ASK her if me and my buddies can come over. He needs to ASK her EVERYTHING!

She basically controls his every move.

What should I/he do?

Should I just stop hanging out with him?

 

[nonjuanlearner]

maybe you should'nt hang around with 5 year olds

 

[Wyldfire]

So basically your friend has a good mother and is a good son? She is his parent...and he should be asking if he can go somewhere or have friends over. It's her job and responsibility to know where he is, who he is with and what he's doing. Her house, she pays the bills, her rules.

What should you do? Sounds like you could learn a lot from him, quite honestly.

Showing respect for your parents is NOT "AFC", defending your mother when a "friend" puts her down is NOT "AFC". You have much to learn...

 

[King Tuz]

I'm sure you must have kids...Wildfire.

Thank you for spreading the AFC virus.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

So basically your friend has a good mother and is a good son? She is his parent...and he should be asking if he can go somewhere or have friends over. It's her job and responsibility to know where he is, who he is with and what he's doing. Her house, she pays the bills, her rules.

What should you do? Sounds like you could learn a lot from him, quite honestly.

Showing respect for your parents is NOT "AFC", defending your mother when a "friend" puts her down is NOT "AFC". You have much to learn...

bleh

First of all, how old is he? If he's 13, then that's one thing. But if he's 17-18, or god forbid older, then yeah, there is such a thing as an overbearing, control-freak mother, and she would be one of them. Wyldfire must make one hell of a mom if she thinks controlling their kid's every move and raising them without any sense of independence and the inability to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them is a good thing. I had a mom like that, and it really messed me up. Overbearing mothers create timid people with low self-esteem.

Again, it depends on his age, but if he's in his later teen years or older, then tell him to stand up for himself against his mom. Some parents really just don't know when to stop treating their teenagers like 8 year olds.

 

[Wyldfire]

bleh

First of all, how old is he? If he's 13, then that's one thing. But if he's 17-18, or god forbid older, then yeah, there is such a thing as an overbearing, control-freak mother, and she would be one of them. Wyldfire must make one hell of a mom if she thinks controlling their kid's every move and raising them without any sense of independence and the inability to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them is a good thing. I had a mom like that, and it really messed me up. Overbearing mothers create timid people with low self-esteem.

Again, it depends on his age, but if he's in his later teen years or older, then tell him to stand up for himself against his mom. Some parents really just don't know when to stop treating their teenagers like 8 year olds.

When a teenage boy is able to support himself, pay his own rent, buy the $300-$500 a month in groceries his parents spend to feed him, pay the utilities and get himself wherever it is he needs to go and is no longer living under his parent's roof THEN he can do whatever he wants without having to get permission, have his guests over in HIS own home whenever he likes without first consulting anyone else and so on.

That isn't controlling behavior. Controlling behavior is when you tell you kid who they can and can't date, see, talk to, be friends with, wear, etc.

My kids are 6, 15, 17 and 20. The 15 and 17 year olds are boys. Damn right I want to know where they are going, what they are doing and who they are going to be with. Why? Because God forbid they disappear or something bad happens to them the ONLY way I can help them is to know these things every time they go out the door. They may be close to adulthood...but they are still my children and my responsibility. End of story...

 

[King Tuz]

Right On Scrumtulescence!

However, It pisses me off when I tell him to stand up to his mother and he doesn't listen.

He says: "That's just the way it is going to be."

And he leaves it at that.

 

[Wyldfire]

I'm sure you must have kids...Wildfire.

Thank you for spreading the AFC virus.

Neither of my sons are AFCs. Girls have been chasing them like crazy for years. Both of them have girlfriends as well. Neither of them have any worry at all about their involvements with girls. They're both very confident and secure and Momma has taught them well regarding relationships and self respect.

 

[Wyldfire]

Right On Scrumtulescence!

However, It pisses me off when I tell him to stand up to his mother and he doesn't listen.

He says: "That's just the way it is going to be."

And he leaves it at that.

He's not going to listen because he respects his mother. How old is this boy? If he is under 18 he needs to follow her rules. If he is over 18 then he can move out on his own. That is all.

 

[King Tuz]

The boy is CLOSE to 19!

 

[Scrumtulescence]

When a teenage boy is able to support himself, pay his own rent, buy the $300-$500 a month in groceries his parents spend to feed him, pay the utilities and get himself wherever it is he needs to go and is no longer living under his parent's roof THEN he can do whatever he wants without having to get permission, have his guests over in HIS own home whenever he likes without first consulting anyone else and so on.

That isn't controlling behavior. Controlling behavior is when you tell you kid who they can and can't date, see, talk to, be friends with, wear, etc.

My kids are 6, 15, 17 and 20. The 15 and 17 year olds are boys. Damn right I want to know where they are going, what they are doing and who they are going to be with. Why? Because God forbid they disappear or something bad happens to them the ONLY way I can help them is to know these things every time they go out the door. They may be close to adulthood...but they are still my children and my responsibility. End of story...

Asking for permission to invite a bunch of people over is one thing. But having your kid to ask for permission to do anything from going outside to coming home half an hour late from school to watching tv to taking a piss is being a control freak and treating your teenager like a little child. That has nothing to do with pitching in for rent and food. It's about letting your child develop a sense of independence and responsibility and the ability to make decisions and do things without asking somebody else about it first. Yes they are "close to adulthood", and what exactly do you expect when you treat them like 8 year olds until the very day you cut them loose?

But of course, I'm not necessarily talking about you, rather mothers who are control freaks, and Kintuz still has yet to expound on the details about his friend and his mom. Hold old is he? And what exactly is it that his mother doesn't let him do without permission?

-edit-
ok, so he's almost 19. Yes, it's a bit odd that he needs permission to go outside at that point. Does he actually need "permission", or is it just a matter of letting his mom know?

btw, what the hell is this doing on the Don Juan discussion board?

 

[Wyldfire]

The boy is CLOSE to 19!

Then he needs to stop sponging off his mother and move out if he doesn't want to live by his mother's rules.

 

[King Tuz]

...

 

[Wyldfire]

He can't go out of the house unless he ASKS his mother. It's one thing to TELL your mother WHERE you are going, but it's another thing to have to ASK IF you are allowed to go in the first place.

This includes asking anything you can possibly think off (while still being realistic).

Asking IF friends can come over. (but he needs a REASON for why friends are supposed to come over)



He was even supposed to bring me to a friend's death bed celebration (funeral) but he was afraid that his mother would yell at him. WTF? Afraid of his mother? He made me cancel my other oppointments and then he stood me up. He was too AFRAID to ASK his mother if he could give me a ride. And he was too AFRAID that if he did give me a ride his mother would scold him.

Now tell me is that not AFC or what?

Okay...this guy's issue (if he feels he has one or not) is between him and his mother. It sounds to me like you are just pissed off because he can't be your taxi and cart you around when you want him to.

There is an easy solution to this...get your own car. Ultimately, it is NOT your friend's responsibility to drive you around. And if his mother really is controlling...you're not helping him any by also trying to control him by telling him what to do and expecting him to be your taxi.

 

[uzio]

Then he needs to stop sponging off his mother and move out if he doesn't want to live by his mother's rules.

Did it ever appear to you, that he don't know WTF that is because his control-freak mom happily killed all sense of independence he had?

Pretty much not only she made sure that his life is going to be miserable, he is also going to make some gal very unhappy - because she will not only marry him, but also his mother.

AFCness and being chased by women are two seperate things. Obedience and respect likewise.

 

[Wyldfire]

Did it ever appear to you, that he don't know WTF that is because his control-freak mom happily killed all sense of independence he had?

Pretty much not only she made sure that his life is going to be miserable, he is also going to make some gal very unhappy - because she will not only marry him, but also his mother.

AFCness and being chased by women are two seperate things. Obedience and respect likewise.

Well, neither one of us actually know the guy. We are getting one side of the story here...and that is coming from someone whose main complaint appears to be that he's angry that his friend isn't available to drive him around. I can't help but find that somewhat suspicious.

It would be one thing if the original poster were complaining about this guy's mother because of how it is hurting her son...but that's not the case here. The fact is...the original poster is really only upset about the rules this friend has to follow because of how it affects his ability to call in favors to get rides. I find that to be selfish and as a result I can't help but be pretty suspicious about just how controlling this mother is. Perhaps his friend feels like he's being used for his wheels and is just using his mother saying no as an excuse to get out of having to cart the original poster around. You really never know.

 

[coolguy676767]

So basically your friend has a good mother and is a good son? She is his parent...and he should be asking if he can go somewhere or have friends over. It's her job and responsibility to know where he is, who he is with and what he's doing. Her house, she pays the bills, her rules.

What should you do? Sounds like you could learn a lot from him, quite honestly.

Showing respect for your parents is NOT "AFC", defending your mother when a "friend" puts her down is NOT "AFC". You have much to learn...

This guy is right, listen to him and I am 18 and still live at home. Btw how old are you and your friend?

 

[uzio]

Wyld. Not "rides" but a single ride reason for which we shall never know. The excuse was not "my mother didn't allow/give me the car/whateva" kind - as a self respecting man would say if he had chosen to use his mother as a smokescreen.

No self respecting man will say "I was afraid to ask".

Besides - the issue of a ridegiving didn't come up at the thread creation, when you started to shove your maternal instincts down everyone's throats.

And if you like "we don't know" song - the woman may be running a meth lab, sexually abusing her son and selling 8 year old boys to pedophiles. You really never know.

Concentrate on the information we possess.

 

[Wyldfire]

Wyld. Not "rides" but a single ride reason for which we shall never know. The excuse was not "my mother didn't allow/give me the car/whateva" kind - as a self respecting man would say if he had chosen to use his mother as a smokescreen.

No self respecting man will say "I was afraid to ask".

Besides - the issue of a ridegiving didn't come up at the thread creation, when you started to shove your maternal instincts down everyone's throats.

And if you like "we don't know" song - the woman may be running a meth lab, sexually abusing her son and selling 8 year old boys to pedophiles. You really never know.

Concentrate on the information we possess.

I take it that you are also the person who started this thread, yes?

It really sucks that your friend passed away, btw. I'm sorry about that. And yeah, it stinks your friend couldn't give you a ride.

That being said...the boy is 18 years old. He is an adult and he can do what he wishes. For whatever reason, he doesn't wish to leave. He doesn't wish to upset his mother. You have no idea why...maybe she is mentally ill or an alcoholic or whatever. Maybe he exaggerates for his own reason. We don't know.

Now lets look at what we DO know. We know that we cannot change other people or make them do what we think they should do...not only can we not do those things...we have no right to try to. You can only help a person who WANTS to be helped. If you try to force "help" down your friend's throat all you are going to do is push him away.

If you're his friend, his real friend...then you need to accept him as he is, period.

This is not your issue and there is nothing you can do. Trying to force anything will just make matters worse.

 

[Desdinova]

He needs to ASK her if he can go outside. He needs to ASK her if me and my buddies can come over. He needs to ASK her EVERYTHING!

She basically controls his every move.

I got the same 5hitty treatment when I became an adult. I was paying rent, and my parents were still telling me what I could and couldn't do. So I said fvck it, moved out, and paid rent somewhere else where I had my freedom.

Your friend can either go two ways. He can either be sucking at his mom's teat until she dies, or he can break the dog leash and live his own life. This is something you'll have to let him figure out for himself. If he's got any kind of desire for independence, he'll cut his parents loose.