Coming Out Of A Long Term

[Toke]

I've posted a few other posts on this, but regarding different aspects of the situation.

So let me bring you up to speed; A cute girl I've known for a long time (4+ years) just broke up with her BF of 3 years.
We've always joked about how if it wasnt for him, we'd be the perfect couple. Within no time of the break up, she was at my place making out with me.

Since then there hasnt been too much contact, we both just got done school for the summer and both have a lot of **** going on. I might call her maybe next weekend.

The question here is just regarding the fact that she just broke up with someone that she was engaged to. Is she totally over him? I dont think so. But she said this time it was "final" (there have been a few other break ups leading to this). But I know she is still friends with him, and a friend of mine even spotted her at the bar with him (but no indication that they were "together").

I'm just at a loss here for how to act. This is the first girl that I've ever made it anywhere with. She knows I've never dated anyone. She knows that it was my frist kiss.

Anyone here have any exprience with a situation like this? Just my luck that my first chance with a girl would have to be with one who was so difficult to get!

 

[RKTek]

Your girl is on a rollercoater with her boyfriend. They have a tumultuous relationship of break-ups and reconciliations with the occasional romantic dalliance in the middle. That's where you com in.

"We've always joked about how if it wasnt for him, we'd be the perfect couple" is such an old line and I'll bet you were the one to say it. Regardless, if she'd have really considered you such a catch, she'd have dumped him long ago.

Be happy you got to first base with her, or wherever you got. Your instincts ("Is she totally over him? I dont think so. ") are correct. Stay out of range of this one and let her wiggle herself off the hook with the other guy, no help from you. Stay away.

If (big if) she really does break up with this guy and her heart really is attached to you, she'll find you regardless of how long has elapsed and how far away you are.

In the meantime, use your experience with this girl as a positive thing to embolden you to find other women.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Toke, don't take this one too seriously. Keep your eyes open for other women. She's on the fvcking rebound, and it's dangerous to fall in love with a woman when she's in this state.

I say milk her for all the experience you can get before she moves on, or moves back. It'll help you all that much more when you meet a woman you really click with.

 

[Toke]

"We've always joked about how if it wasnt for him, we'd be the perfect couple" is such an old line and I'll bet you were the one to say it. Regardless, if she'd have really considered you such a catch, she'd have dumped him long ago.

Actually, she said it.

The way I've always played it, was just as a friend. I never saw her as being available, and only treated her as a friend.

She comes to me for advice on her situtation with him at times, I never really give her anything. Its never been my place to stand between them, so I havent.

I dont want to "milk her," but I have already gone over the fact that it likely wont amount to much in the long run. So I do hear what you're saying, i just want to make the most of this.

 

[RKTek]

You wrote:

"She comes to me for advice on her situtation with him at times..."

LJBF. Romance death. Flatline.

The fact that she came to you the first time for advice on him told you immediately that you are a 'friend'. Her emotional tampon. And the fact that you wrote "...at times..." (plural) tells me that you gave her advice, which was a tacit admission from you that you were satisfied being her LJBF/friend. Had you told her from the first time she tried to tell you about her problems "I'm not interested in your problems with another man", then she'd either stop talking to you, or at least stop talking to you about him. And it wouldn't be plural.

Your original post sounded as though you wanted to get it on with her. Now you seem to have realized this won't happen. Good. It won't happen. Yes, this is depressing since as you say she's "cute" and she gave you that first kiss. You always remember the first one.

Wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from making mistakes AND LEARNING FROM THEM. So, what have you learned? Probably a lot, maybe more than you realize. Use it for the next time.

 

[Toke]

You're right. We were friends, GOOD friends. Thats what makes this oh so difficult.

Did I give her advice? Nope. She never really asked for help on the situation, it was always more like "So I think I'm gonna break up with XXX." Or in one case she told me she had broken up with him, and I joked with her about how I bet she probably already had a bunch of guys she was trying to lure in with her sexy body (she just lost like 60 lbs, so she likes to hear how hot she is).

I dont even know why they've broken up, or any details on her relationship with him. I dont ask, cuz I dont care.

Do I want to "get it on with her?" Yes, of course I do. As of now there's no indication that this relationship is "dead" so I'm not about to give up on it. I simply asked for help in making it the best of the situation.

I'm no master with women, and as of now this is my best shot. My job is full of high school girls (a bit too younge for me) and other than that I'm just home chilling for the summer. If I could get some more girls, I would. But for now, I just want to maybe get a few more dates out of this girl.

Sorry if I sound crabby. Nobody likes being told things they dont want to hear. That and I havent had a toke in 2 days.

 

[Toke]

Oh, one more thing here. I think that she's just not wanting a "relationship" right now. Thats why I havent been buggin her about all of this.

She told me the breakup was final this time, and I've seen it coming a while. SHe's been known to have guys before that she wasnt really a "couple" with. I remember a few guys like that back when she was in high school.

What do you think of asking her to be friends with benefits? Like I dont want to lose my friendship with her, but its obvious that we're more than friends now. I cant see a LTR starting up here, because she lives far away. But the ironic thing is we're so alike (both used to be overweight, now are very health conscious, both dont drink, etc)

 

[Toke]

no thoughts guys?

 

[A1SteakSauce]

thoughts

my thought is she might sleep with you to keep the emotional support going but it won't happen more than once. and it's pathetic to take advantage of a friend who's on the rebound. and it will break your heart when she goes back to him after that.

so stick to being a real friend and go out and do stuff with her to take her mind of this instead of sitting around and listening to her gripe. and use her for social proof to get other chicks interested in you wherever you go. that is your real best shot

A1

 

[Toke]

Didnt want to start a new thread on this, so I'll just post it here.

Eventually this girl will contact me, I wouldnt be surpised if it was tomorrow or the next day.

I dont think she's even been in town for a few weeks (as her x-bf was the only reason she used to come home). I know she just wont ignore me forever.

When she finally does contact me, how should I act? Should I act pissed off at her for not talking to me in so long? Should I act like I didnt even notice the time fly by (I have kept busy, as it is my summer holidays), or should I tell her to **** off (I dont think I could actually do this though).

 

[Umbra]

Stop sweating her. The more you try to steer things in the direction you desire, the more resistance there will be. If she wants sex with you, she will pursue it. If she wants a relationship with you, she might come to you now or later, after she's gotten over her ex one way or another. And if she's not interested, you've lost nothing.

 

[Toke]

Lost nothing? How about a good friend?

And how can I just not think about it, sort of impossible. I havent been attempting to make any contact, but sooner or later she'll come back. And like I said, how should I act?

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by Toke
no thoughts guys?

Do what Bungo suggested... obvious rebound. She also knows the quick way to forget someone.. and that is to sleep wit another.

Tell her "..."

 

[Toke]

Well, I sure didnt sleep with her...

 

[Umbra]

If the relationship fades away because you're not sweating her, she wasn't a good friend, bro.

 

[Toke]

I'm not sure what you're trying to say buddy...

But she was a good friend, and I hope she comes around.

Today while I went into work to grab my paycheck, I was offered a shift for friday night. I turned it down. As I walked out, I knew the only reason I said no is because I wanted to be available for that night if she called.

Then I realized, I cant do this anymore. I guess you could say I need closure. I'm high strung and have been for nearly a month because I dont know what to think.

If she doesnt call me this weekend, then I'm done waiting. If she comes around eventually, I'll play it as it lies. But I cant be turning down shifts (I need lots of money for the fall), for her.

Onitis sucks, but being a shy guy, not too many girls come my way.

I'm off to smoke a bowl and go to bed.

BTW, I'm still waiting for an answer as to how I should act if she does call.

 

[Umbra]

Your last post exemplifies what I'm trying to say. You can't let your desire for this girl affect your life. Look at you, bro! Turning down money you need in the HOPES that this girl will call you. Come on, man! You're sweating her!

Life isn't black and white. Stop waiting for this magical "closure" that will show you the path. It's not going to come; just stay open to what time will or will not bring to you. Get on with your life, and stop sweating her.

If she wants something with you, she'll find her way. In the meantime, enjoy your summer and talk to other girls.

If she does call, just be cool. Don't compromise your schedule or plans to accomodate her. If she wants to go out and you're available, then go, but stop thinking that this girl is the "one" for you. Have fun, and let things go whichever way they go. If she wants to screw you, it will happen. If she likes you and it seems she wants a relationship, then take it slow, to see if she can get over her ex and start a healthy relationship. If she wants to be friends, don't push the matter.

Just relax. That's what I'm trying to say, man. Just let it go. This girl is not the end of the world. She's just another girl. Things have a way of working themselves out if you just give it time.

 

[Toke]

So you're saying when she does come around, to act like the fact that she's totatlly vanished for all this time hasnt even occured to me?

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by Toke
So you're saying when she does come around, to act like the fact that she's totatlly vanished for all this time hasnt even occured to me?

Hey, you need to take a few tokes - chill out man!

 

[Umbra]

Yeah, basically. If she didn't remember to call you for a while, you didn't remember she existed for a while.