Combating Neediness

[JoeMarron]

Imagine you're in a relationship with your dream girl. She's hot as hell, gives you crazy sex on tap, doesn't annoy you, and you can actually have an entertaining conversation with her. Lets be honest here, most every dude is gonna catch feelings for this chick, he'll maybe fall even harder for her than she will him. How does he prevent himself from feeling needy? We all know the typical answers to this question; spin plates, hobbies, friends, career, etc. but are these really solutions? If you're fighting neediness by banging a new chick then you're still dependent on women for your cure. Hobbies, friends, and other pursuits are nice and all but they really aren't equal substitutes.

Take pizza and an ice cold beer as an example. You like both of these things but they meet two completely different needs. When you're craving pizza, as much as you like an ice cold beer it isn't gonna do a damn thing for your pizza craving. Lets face it, we all crave female affection. If we didn't then every man would just use women for sex and no one would bother getting into relationships or doing anything else with them. When we're feeling needy we don't just want sex, we want female affection. We want to hear the soft voice of our woman, hear her adorable laugh, see her gorgeous smile, feel her tender touch. Sure we can distract ourselves from the craving but we can't really get rid of it. I don't see any real solution to this problem besides distractions and not giving into the desire to act needy. How do you guys combat neediness?

 

[Icegreen]

Spin plates

 

[asa_don]

your relationship fails. get plates.

 

[RedScorpion]

I think it's fine to desire being with your main woman, and enjoying that feeling. You should fully relish in that.

The main thing I think is, you can't act needy. Control your actions, and check yourself if you think you are approaching it. And cut your thoughts about her to only a minute here and there. Your thoughts are close to who you are, but they are not who you are - so control them, cut them out of your head. The feeling will remain, but it won't be as persistent (and can fade). If you think about her steady, you just train yourself a new habit, which is hard to break.

 

[VenX]

You will need to be able to control yourself and be aware of your actions at all times. If you begin acting needy, you will first need to be aware that you have started acted needy and then stop. If you don't stop, the girl will run the other way.

 

[Tomo]

Female friends. Not even plates. The thought that you are going to spend time even simply grabbing a coffee or if she asks how your day is going and you say you bumped into an old female friend is going to drive her hamster wheel. Basically you have to be the one that continues to push her buttons even as counter intuitive it feels when she is showering you with affection. The relationships of my friends whom have worked out has been between two people who are just at each other all the time - in a good way I mean. By doing this it ultimately pushes yourself out there so you don't fixate on one object and hence develop neediness.

 

[JoeMarron]

I think it's fine to desire being with your main woman, and enjoying that feeling. You should fully relish in that.

The main thing I think is, you can't act needy. Control your actions, and check yourself if you think you are approaching it. And cut your thoughts about her to only a minute here and there. Your thoughts are close to who you are, but they are not who you are - so control them, cut them out of your head. The feeling will remain, but it won't be as persistent (and can fade). If you think about her steady, you just train yourself a new habit, which is hard to break.

I like this, being mindful of my thoughts. I can discipline myself just fine. I can resist the urge to act like a needy little b!tch but I want to be able to destroy the urge completely, not just resist it.

You can eat the same brand of pizza for life, or, you can go out and explore, take chances, and dare to try all kinds of different pizzas.

For me spinning plates has been like a cure all for oneitis. Not the same thing as neediness--even though both, IMO, are societal tools designed to make you feel incomplete, a penalty for living life outside the bounds of convention. Society hates nothing more than an insouciant man who freely expresses his thoughts and opinions and eschews widely accepted dogmas and mores.

I think you gotta have the PASSION for chasing tail. You have to be willing to color your life OUTSIDE the line of this paint-by-numbers Westernized system. The church and the state and our parents tell us that if we don't get married, we'll die alone. Institutions, parents, etc. all brainwash us into thinking that we HAVE to settle down and "find someone" to spend our entire lives with, lest we feel needy and incomplete.

It amazes me that most people actually say that they want to settle down with one person for life. I've never really imagined myself doing that, so I've never struggled with neediness. I like orchestrating my OWN reality and expectations. I am absolutely fascinated with women--all shapes, sizes, etc., and I choose to get out there and constantly surround myself with an array of women and challenges.

No family member, or preacher, or government official, etc., is going to tell me how I should think, feel, etc.

Life is an adventure to me, best lived by meeting different women and embracing challenges, and never settling. Monotony is boring to me. The very thought of clinging to one woman for the rest of my life depresses me.

But what if you like one pizza enough to not care about what other pizzas taste like? I know there are certain dudes that live for the thrill of the hunt. They crave the thrill that comes with getting out in the social arena, seducing a new woman, conquering her and moving on to the next one. Me, I don't give a fvck about the thrill. I can't be bothered with dealing with more people than necessary. I wouldn't mind sticking with one person for life if I get along with that person and enjoy their company. I think it's more than social conditioning. Some men are simply wired differently. I do agree with you though in that we should embrace new experiences in life so that we're not fixated on one thing.

 

[The_411]

What I've learned is that that neediness comes from fear/insecurity etc. I've found that if I start to feel that way i means that I'm neglecting other valuable aspects in my life, which measn I'm getting lazy.

They way to avoid the neediness is to internalize that your goals, activities, etc. are the lifeblood to your core essence and when you embrace the neediness you're sabotaging your core values/beliefs.

It's great to fell wanted/desired/loved but the desire for companionship should never outweigh your internal frame/game because your girlfriend can't achieve your goals for you.

 

[JoeMarron]

What I've learned is that that neediness comes from fear/insecurity etc. I've found that if I start to feel that way i means that I'm neglecting other valuable aspects in my life, which measn I'm getting lazy.

They way to avoid the neediness is to internalize that your goals, activities, etc. are the lifeblood to your core essence and when you embrace the neediness you're sabotaging your core values/beliefs.

It's great to fell wanted/desired/loved but the desire for companionship should never outweigh your internal frame/game because your girlfriend can't achieve your goals for you.

Good point. A man can't be needy when he's focused on his mission. There's simply no room for neediness in his brain.

 

[Sofomore]

To each their own Joe. It seems like you don't have the burning passion for seducing random hotties. No problem in that at all, do what you do.

Espi and I are on the same page. I'm fascinated by women and always want to learn more/ experience them more Spinning plates kills all my neediness. I will occasionally drop all my plates for one that I really click with. But, I'm starting to realize that I am way to young to settle into monogamy. Yes, it makes me happy to have a constant supply of pvssy, but it really hinders my growth mentally and physically.

In the last month I have had a paradigm shift where I finally came to the epiphany that the reason I am getting into relationships is because of oneitis. I go through a dry spell and only have one plate. This turns into neediness, and a false sense of "this girl is awesome", so I overlook her flaws.

The constant desire to add more girls as plates helps avoid this trap. When I find myself being lazy and thinking- eh, I don't feel like picking up chicks this weekend, I have to b!tch-slap myself into the reality that I need to avoid oneitis at all costs.

It's like a war against oneitis, and the only way to win is to spin more plates

 

[TheGambino]

I feel this dude, what if all your plates talk random crap about instagram, kim kardashian, beyonce's new song, a stupid weekend with her cat and fat friend and her nails. The sex is average, shes not motivating you at all. Ok you have fun enjoy, drink, kino and f*ck.

While one of all those plates is always fun, has stimulating convo's with you, turns you on, grabbs your d1ck everytime, touches you all the time, high chemistry her voice, hair and smell make you high if you know what I mean.

Even tho all the plates and girls texting and calling this girl is the one thats important to you and that's exactley how I feel right know with a girl thats 2000miles away lol. Anyhow I got a date planned tommorow to fight the urge to call my baby coz shes not picking up the phone nor returning my calls since I left Morocco... but I feel ya Joe just keep spinning to build a harem of girls that have are as fun as the one you feel for. This will break desperation and neediness

 

[EbbsAndFlows]

Wow this thread resonates so much with regards to my last relationship.

When I didn't give a fvck, I had her controlled. When I caught too much feelings, got lazy in other facets of life, stopped pursuing other girls -- neediness ensued and I had to use no/low contact and life boost (hit gym harder, promote career harder, picked up new numbers) to get her back. Women just sense that **** like spidey senses.

Just gotta be on top of your game. Gotta feel desirable and they will desire you.

 

[GotED?]

My neediness was cured after my manhood was destroyed by my HB8 BPD ex-wife.

Once a man realizes how much sh!t comes with hotness, beauty really is just skin deep.

There is also a component of inner belief that YOU are the most wonderful man that a woman can be with, and that de-pedestalizing of her hotness will be your key to personal freedom.

Exodus

 

[skinnyguy]

at the risk of sounding like a "faggot", what is wrong with having a relationship? it seems like the real faggots are the ones who are afraid have having their little hearts broken by a girl.

there are girls i would pump and dump, and there are girls i would date seriously. at some point, the so called DJ's will get tired of P and D and will want something more meaningful.

 

[AttackFormation]

I don't really have the experience to make a definite call on this but if I have to theorise I'd say that being in denial about wanting a girl so you can focus on your "goals" like some advice tells you to, is childish. Masculine strength comes from facing down a challenge not denying that this is the challenge you want to take. The other part is aligning that with the challenges you want to take, not someone else's ideas for you.

If you'd rather have one girl then have one girl instead of wasting your time chasing pu$$y, it's the hard things that take strength not the easy ones. You already said that for you those other things are just distractions. What this ultimately means is that no matter what anyone in this thread tells you, you already know your own calling.

So what conclusion am I getting to here? spin all the plates you want or take whatever other measures you can think of to combat neediness, you already know what they are so I don't have to repeat them, but don't go into denial.

 

[JoeMarron]

To each their own Joe. It seems like you don't have the burning passion for seducing random hotties. No problem in that at all, do what you do.

Espi and I are on the same page. I'm fascinated by women and always want to learn more/ experience them more Spinning plates kills all my neediness. I will occasionally drop all my plates for one that I really click with. But, I'm starting to realize that I am way to young to settle into monogamy. Yes, it makes me happy to have a constant supply of pvssy, but it really hinders my growth mentally and physically.

In the last month I have had a paradigm shift where I finally came to the epiphany that the reason I am getting into relationships is because of oneitis. I go through a dry spell and only have one plate. This turns into neediness, and a false sense of "this girl is awesome", so I overlook her flaws.

The constant desire to add more girls as plates helps avoid this trap. When I find myself being lazy and thinking- eh, I don't feel like picking up chicks this weekend, I have to b!tch-slap myself into the reality that I need to avoid oneitis at all costs.

It's like a war against oneitis, and the only way to win is to spin more plates

To be honest I'm conflicted with this sometimes. Do I really not care about chasing hotties or am I just using that as an excuse because I'm too much of a pvssy to get out there and chase? That being said, I'm satisfied in the relationship I'm in now and I never really get a burning desire to fvck new chicks so perhaps I'm not fooling myself. I've never lived the lifestyle advocated on this forum. Hell I settled into a relationship with only two notches on my belt. However, since I'm satisfied now I don't see the point in changing anything just because I happen to be young. Of course I could also be fooling myself into thinking I'm satisfied because I'm too scared to get in the game. Lol..it's tough sometimes trying to figure out why we do the things we do.

I feel this dude, what if all your plates talk random crap about instagram, kim kardashian, beyonce's new song, a stupid weekend with her cat and fat friend and her nails. The sex is average, shes not motivating you at all. Ok you have fun enjoy, drink, kino and f*ck.

While one of all those plates is always fun, has stimulating convo's with you, turns you on, grabbs your d1ck everytime, touches you all the time, high chemistry her voice, hair and smell make you high if you know what I mean

Yep, this is why I took issue with spinning plates being the cure in the OP. New plates aren't going to help if they aren't better than your favorite. If they are better then you run the risks of feeling needy towards the new ones. There has to be a solution beyond women.

at the risk of sounding like a "faggot", what is wrong with having a relationship? it seems like the real faggots are the ones who are afraid have having their little hearts broken by a girl.

there are girls i would pump and dump, and there are girls i would date seriously. at some point, the so called DJ's will get tired of P and D and will want something more meaningful.

I don't think anyone said there was anything wrong with having a relationship. There IS something wrong with being needy in a relationship, neediness is never attractive.

So what conclusion am I getting to here? spin all the plates you want or take whatever other measures you can think of to combat neediness, you already know what they are so I don't have to repeat them, but don't go into denial.

Yeah, I think it's good for a man to admit what he's feeling then take whatever action he believes is best.

My neediness was cured after my manhood was destroyed by my HB8 BPD ex-wife.

Once a man realizes how much sh!t comes with hotness, beauty really is just skin deep.

There is also a component of inner belief that YOU are the most wonderful man that a woman can be with, and that de-pedestalizing of her hotness will be your key to personal freedom.

Exodus

I said hot as hell in the OP but sometimes it goes beyond hotness which is why I brought up the fact that men also crave female affection. I agree though that taking hotness of the pedestal would go far in combating neediness.

Wow this thread resonates so much with regards to my last relationship.

When I didn't give a fvck, I had her controlled. When I caught too much feelings, got lazy in other facets of life, stopped pursuing other girls -- neediness ensued and I had to use no/low contact and life boost (hit gym harder, promote career harder, picked up new numbers) to get her back. Women just sense that **** like spidey senses.

Just gotta be on top of your game. Gotta feel desirable and they will desire you.

Great point. It seems like we as men need to be constantly focused on something in order to be at our best. Stay kicking ass in life and the neediness problem will take care of itself.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

First off, THIS:

Once a man realizes how much sh!t comes with hotness, beauty really is just skin deep.There is also a component of inner belief that YOU are the most wonderful man that a woman can be with, and that de-pedestalizing of her hotness will be your key to personal freedom.
-Exodus

...is pure gold, and pretty much was I was thinking.

In addition: I have found that confidence in one's self, combined with the belief that you can easily find another option if the one you're currently with doesn't work out, makes it much easier to not be so needy. It also makes the girl you're with want to work harder to keep you around, especially if she's able to sense that she's not the one that's solely responsible for your happiness.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Oh wait, I meant to add something else:

A real key in combating neediness is to spin plates. And I don't mean it in the sense that you should be doing this for every girl you date - after all, if your goal is to end up in a relationship, it's not a good idea to be seeing multiple women still if you're with someone long-term (unless you're into polygamy). What I mean is, there needs to be a short period of time where you are dating 3 to 5 different women at one time. While doing this, really pay attention to the lack of neediness feeling that you get. THIS IS THE SAME FEELING YOU NEED TO HAVE WHEN YOU'RE DATING JUST ONE WOMAN, but you won't know what that feeling is unless you take the time to date 3 to 5 girls at a time.

In short, it's the ability of not feeling so desperate to call a girl every day, or worry about saying something that will upset her, or having no problem with saying "no" to her or not accepting her B.S. - these things are always easier to do when you're dating multiple women; if one gets mad at you or one doesn't call you back, you care less because you've got 4 other women you can call up. You need to be able to have this same level of detachment to outcomes once you've narrowed in on ONE woman; the lack of feeling needy will come from realizing that you were able to have multiple girls interested in you at one time despite not being in their face every day. These days I only date 1 girl at a time, but I never become needy because I continue to do the same things in a relationship that I did when I was dating more than 1 girl.

 

[EbbsAndFlows]

Great point. It seems like we as men need to be constantly focused on something in order to be at our best. Stay kicking ass in life and the neediness problem will take care of itself.

Yeah, oneitis is the death of a relationship if the guy/girl are matched on looks and personality.

I won't even lie: in my last relationship, I often wasn't busy but would lie and text back after a few hours or go put my phone in another room just to keep myself in check. Other times I really was busy, which worked just as good.

Fake it till you make it. Only takes a couple slip up to wreck a relationship. I'm still working on being the man who doesn't get a little excited with a girl I'm diggin text me. Gotta become one with my inner-alpha and stop beta-backsliding every so often.

 

[JoeMarron]

Oh wait, I meant to add something else:

A real key in combating neediness is to spin plates. And I don't mean it in the sense that you should be doing this for every girl you date - after all, if your goal is to end up in a relationship, it's not a good idea to be seeing multiple women still if you're with someone long-term (unless you're into polygamy). What I mean is, there needs to be a short period of time where you are dating 3 to 5 different women at one time. While doing this, really pay attention to the lack of neediness feeling that you get. THIS IS THE SAME FEELING YOU NEED TO HAVE WHEN YOU'RE DATING JUST ONE WOMAN, but you won't know what that feeling is unless you take the time to date 3 to 5 girls at a time.

In short, it's the ability of not feeling so desperate to call a girl every day, or worry about saying something that will upset her, or having no problem with saying "no" to her or not accepting her B.S. - these things are always easier to do when you're dating multiple women; if one gets mad at you or one doesn't call you back, you care less because you've got 4 other women you can call up. You need to be able to have this same level of detachment to outcomes once you've narrowed in on ONE woman; the lack of feeling needy will come from realizing that you were able to have multiple girls interested in you at one time despite not being in their face every day. These days I only date 1 girl at a time, but I never become needy because I continue to do the same things in a relationship that I did when I was dating more than 1 girl.

Well I fvcked up. I'm in a relationship having never spun plates before. Reverse engineering what experienced men like you do and applying it to my life seems to be stopping me from doing needy sh!t but the emotions that fuel neediness is still there.

Yeah, oneitis is the death of a relationship if the guy/girl are matched on looks and personality.

I won't even lie: in my last relationship, I often wasn't busy but would lie and text back after a few hours or go put my phone in another room just to keep myself in check. Other times I really was busy, which worked just as good.

Fake it till you make it. Only takes a couple slip up to wreck a relationship. I'm still working on being the man who doesn't get a little excited with a girl I'm diggin text me. Gotta become one with my inner-alpha and stop beta-backsliding every so often.

Yep, guilty as charged with faking being busy. Faking it till you make it works but making it clearly will feel a lot better. Fortunately for us women can't tell the difference.