Closet Cheaters

[nan3109]

Recently I've been thinking of how I discovered if my girlfriends of the past were cheating.

Doing so and with the help of the fellow DJ's will help us all understand women and cheating.

The age group of girls I'm talking about BTW is 16-19.

First, a girl would tell you straight out that she was cheating.This isn't a very common thing to occur and has NEVER happened to me in a relationship but apparently a few other DJ's on this board have run into this.

Second, a girl will keep it secret but her footprints and mistakes (shadyness) will always lead you to believe (with your DJ instinct) that something fishy is going on. For me, this is the most common way of discovering if my g/f is cheating. The last girl that I found this out about was my now ex g/f Erica. We went out for about 3 weeks and after things felt fishy I talked to one of her friends and told her I have a hunch that she's a cheater. Her friend told me straight out the truth and I ended it right there.

(My current relationship below)

Third, a girl will keep it secrets and she'll be VERY good about it. She may even profess her love to you when she's drunk. This should be ignored as a DJ and shrugged off.When your girlfriend is "one of the guys" and hangs with alot of male friends frequetly YET invites you to hang out everytime she does, I still tend to worry when I can't come with her. She asks me to come with her always to parties when she drinks because she wants me to trust her when she drinks. The thing is, last night when she started drinking she lit up a cigarette (she doesnt smoke) and told me before she only smokes when she drinks but she's going to quit for me. She lied right there!

When I brought the fact up to her she started with the "are you mad at me? (dj) i love you so much, your the most important thing in the world to me, if you want me to quit i will"

My only reply to that is that she said she quit along time ago. If she lies about things like this, surely she's lying about other things.

Now you may ask, why would she be messing around behind my back? Lets see, her friend Shania is a former stripper and newly turned and openly spoken WHORRE. My g/f and her dance and rub on each other at parties and before she was my g/f she would take her clothes off (while drunk) and make out with Shania. But now that she has a b/f and keep in mind I'm there when she does this she will only remove her shirt and nothing else (keeping bra on).

MAYBE I'M JUST PARANOID OR I HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH WOMEN BUT IM THE TYPE OF GUY WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN CHEATED ON IN THE PAST.

And with this new one I've become a DJ and put my foot down HARD on alot of things and my g/f has been VERY caring and nice towards me and spent alot of money on me yet I still wonder if it's a weird coverup for her former "slut-like" ways.

 

[nan3109]

bump please! opinons for discussion wanted

 

[TesuqueRed]

16--19??

You're dealing with a particular age group where they are at their absolute, biological sexiest: the phermones are stratospherically high, the tyts are at their perkiest, the @ss at it's finest, they are the slimmest they'll ever be and--all around--they are at the finest they will likely ever be.

Unless they peak in college or shortly thereafter. Still, the raw material is there...

Which means, they're FEELING THE POWER.

At first it might scare them a bit. That much overt, obvious male attention can be overwhelming.

But--true women in training--they will soon begin to learn how to use and exercise that power.

Repeat that: they will soon learn to use and exercise that power. They have to test it, use it, practice it, see what they can do.

You call it cheating. So do they...for a time.

If you need perspective, just imagine if every hot, perky, wet HB walking aroud and every other female came around and you knew they wanted you but didn't quite know how to get you. But they were there all the same hoping for an opening.

You get the idea that you have something valuable.
You get the idea that you can pick and choose.
You get the idea that you need to get the high-status ones.
You begin testing to see how high you can go.

That's what they're doing.

You call it cheating. So do they...for now. Later, they'll see this as just what a girl needs to do. And it is, you know...

So--I see 2 things:

1) you're hitting on teenage HBs and this is all natural and part of the process, or
2) somehow you are attracted to the cheaters--something in them you find attractive and compelling and need professional therapy to root out.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Oh--to finish the thought...

You're thinking "relationship", right?

They're thinking "relationship" too, right?

Which means that it's about "relationship". Right?

Wrong. At that age, you're both PRACTICING. You haven't developed into your adult personalities yet and WON'T for another DECADE or so. The dumbshyts develop into adult personalities earlier, the more intelligent, complex ones take longer (sorry to burst anyone's bubble that they are fully realized adults at 23...)

You're both experimenting and seeing who you are, what you can do and what others can do. Having relationships is certainly a primary part of that. But it's practice until you settle into your adult personality. So don't get knocked-up, don't get married, and don't take any relationship too heavy at this point. Have fun...

 

[BobbDobbs]

So much drama at such a young age.

From my view, unless you have an engagement ring and a commitment to marry within 12 months, there ain't no such thing as "cheatin'."

 

[oreo_renegade]

Lets go to the closet!

hahahahhaah inside joke frm back in the day



good stuff

 

[Sexy_Malibu]

Such a funny title for this thread "Closet Cheaters"... isn't that a little redundant, aren't most cheaters closeted about it? How often do they TELL you they are cheating? Wouldn't that be "Seeing Other People" instead of "Cheating" if they tell you about it? Okay, it's late here and I'm still grumpy about not getting to go out tonight because of sitter so I will shut up now.

 

[nan3109]

WELL

Basically the title and point of the thread was how have you, the other DJ's, discovered your girlfriend was cheating.

Discuss and share stories!!!!

 

[JustDoItAlways]

How do you find out the truth about something that is being kept secret from you?

1. It falls into your lap by accident (you catch her in the act or find the proof totally by accident.)

2. Somebody slips you the info (a disgusted friend spills the beans on her - sometimes by accident as well.)

3. A little detective work, snooping and setting traps on your part leads to the truth (everyone thinks it is wrong to do this but you have every right to find out if you are being cheated on or not.)

No. 1 and No. 2 are accidental, beyond your control and may not happen until months after the cheating starts. No. 3 is more certain but you shouldn't go here until your gut instinct tells you something is definitely wrong.

You can also:

4. Avoid situations where secrets can be kept from you (stay away from chicks who have cheated in the past, attention wh0res and chicks who lie alot about anything in particular.)

But the best method is to:

5. Do not develop feelings for her because she is less likely to cheat on you in the first place and if she does, you don't care anyway. You have other girls in the bullpen lined up.

 

[nan3109]

Originally posted by JustDoItAlways

3. A little detective work, snooping and setting traps on your part leads to the truth (everyone thinks it is wrong to do this but you have every right to find out if you are being cheated on or not.)

What's a good way/example of setting up a trap?

I thought of maybe having one of my good looking guy friends try and go in and hit on her when shes working or something and see how she responds (a guy friend that my g/f has never met).

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by nan3109
What's a good way/example of setting up a trap?

I did this to a girlfriend once, although I don't recommend it at all and I'll tell you why in a minute.

She used to always go online and chat on those stupid internet chat rooms for hours and hours; well into the night. I used to think, "Mind-numbingly stupid but harmless entertainment." But sometimes I would wonder what was so damn interesting that she would stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning talking on the internet. All the chat rooms I've ever been in have looked something like this:

SxyGrrl69: hi
SxyGrrl69: a/s/l?
SurfUp1089: yo mamma
SxyGrrl69: huh?
SxyGrrl69: a/s/l surfup
SurfUp1089: 19/m/so cal
SurfUp1089: im real buff wanna cyber
SurfUp1089: ?
NSyncFan: sometimes i drink my own pee
NSyncFan: lol
NSyncFan: rofl
NSyncFan: roflmfao
SxyGrrl69: a/s/l?
SurfUp1089: wanna cyber?

So I'm always baffled whenever anyone can stay in an Internet chat room for more than 30 seconds or so unless they're in a coma or something.

Anyway, I started thinking that maybe she was talking to guys online, which is still kind of harmless. But just to test my theory, I created a new screen name, went on and IMed her. After talking to her for about thirty minutes or so, I had gotten her to tell me where (what town) she lived in and told her that I lived about 20 minutes away, got her phone number, and had her begging me to call her the next day and maybe we could hang out and maybe even "have some fun" if you catch my drift.

I strung her along for a few days like that, and she was always telling me how much fun I sounded like and how she would really like to go out sometime. I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said "no". As I'm sure you can imagine, she wasn't too happy to find out that her Prince Charming online was actually the guy who was dumping her ass because he couldn't trust her.

Of course, the reason that I don't recommend this sort of trap-setting is because it's unnceccessary. I got rid of her because I couldn't trust her, but then realized that I had known that I couldn't trust her or I wouldn't have tried to set a trap for her. Bottom line: if you distrust her enough to set a trap for her, then you need to get out of the relationship.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Originally posted by nan3109
What's a good way/example of setting up a trap?

I thought of maybe having one of my good looking guy friends try and go in and hit on her when shes working or something and see how she responds (a guy friend that my g/f has never met).

I have actually had several girlfriends who pulled this move on me. For that reason, you shouldn't do it. Women can smell out this kind of thing simply because it is something that they do naturally.

Traps have to be innocent, almost accidental and have plausible deniability (you have to have an innocent excuse for it if she calls you on it but, more importantly, she doesn't suspect in the first place because you have another reason for doing it.)

One is the showing up unexpectedly but you have to have an excuse. Wait for some big party that she wants to go to and you tell her that you probably won't be able to make it. You'll try to make it but you have to work overtime or do something first but chances are, you won't make it. Then show up at that time of the night when she is usually at her peak with a good reason why you were able to make it. There are lots of variations of this method.

Another is to get her really drunk at some gathering and then see what happens, what she says.

Put snooping software on your computer and let her use it. Find out the passwords to her email accounts.

Always find some time to talk to her closest friends one-on-one. Listen for the slip-ups and do not ask direct leading questions. Do not assume that everything they tell you is true. Her friends will often tell lies to break you up or test your jealousy for her.

Do not do any of this if there is any chance that you can get caught without a valid believable excuse. Women really hate this kind of thing and will break up with you if they catch you in the act.

I realise this is all very un-DJ-like, but I'd rather know for sure than pretending to myself that everything is all right just becuase of some stick-your-head-in-the-sand honor-code.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

The thing with all that, JDIA, is that you're snooping around, you're hacking her email, you're sneaking around and lying in the (hopes?) of catching her cheating on you. But all of that belies a certain lack of trust that, if missing, indicates that there should be no relationship in the first place. If you have reason to believe that she is cheating on you and you cannot trust her when she says that she is not cheating on you, then you need to end it. There's no point stringing it along at that point... stick a fork in it, the relationship is done.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

I don't really know about that.

Chicks can do alot of things that can cause you not to trust them. Flirting is just one example among many. But these are things that chicks just do naturally. It doesn't really mean that she is cheating on you. She can still be the most loyal girl around and, by dropping her because of a few innocent red flags, you've let go of one the best things to come your way.

And the very best users, cheaters do not put up any warning signs at all.

Finding out for sure is still the best way.

 

[Sexy_Malibu]

I definitely don't think the trap thing works... sending one of your friends to her is probably not a good idea. A lot of times if a girl is going to cheat on you, it's not with just any old guy... You're better off sending a few of your friends to babysit her at a bar one night... to see what she does... while she knows you are far away so she is "safe" to do what she wants.

The computer/internet trap was better I think... I've never cheated on anyone, but one of my ex's cheated on me. I kept finding clues around and a lot of the time he's stories would contradict themselves (he was a pretty inept cheater I guess)... so I went on the computer on an email address that we shared and checked the "Recently Deleted Mail" (because I guess he didn't realize deleting it wasn't enough) and saw pictures a girl. So I IMed her (as him) to see what she'd say.

 

[bliss420]

I had a girl cheat on me but i didn't find out until 6 months later when the lil' h0 told me because she was feeling so close to me lately and wanted to get it off her chest.. lol i used to be so pathetic.. i broke up with her then took her back after she told me then SHE broke up with me.. lol.. i used to be so hurting

 

[TesuqueRed]

It's more art than technique.

For me--signs of dishonesty were..

a) slight details changed in stories: liars have too many details to try and remember and generally can't track them and keep them in order--more lies means that more fake details increase exponentially.

b) their voice goes flat: they're too busy making it up on the spot and their speaking voice doesn't have the natural animation--it sounds "flat". I don't listen for flatness--I just remember a few times that I've heard that flatness and realized I'm being lied to.

c) their manner of communicating changes--this is a wide ranging issue--if they go from making eye contact to avoiding it, if they are unnaturally breezy about changing plans, if they are suddenly getting busier and become more unavailable (yes, this one and numerous ones like it can be and are perfectly explainable, which is why they would choose it for a cover story..)

d) gut instinct, which is that alarm bell going off--some small detail in the environment or their behavior draws attention to itself and has you wondering "What is that about?" You can't go looking for it (you become obsessed and paranoid)--it just makes itself known to you (as did all the examples above to me..)

e) certain personality types---you simply get a feel for certain personalities and you see similar behavior patterns, similar emotional response patterns, similar ways of doing things. When a one of these patterns or personality types proved to be dishonest in the past, you know something similar is at play here.


____________
Basically--I'm with Gio Casanova's read on this--excellent posts there--that traps and tricks and snooping evidences a sick relationship and doing these things will make you sick. It's much better to face the reality and--one of you, preferably you--deal with it with integrity. End it without apology or explanation, if you have to, and go onto something better.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

On that same vein, I'd also like to add this.

As DJs, one of the things we strive for -- in fact, the Holy Grail of "DJdom" -- is CONFIDENCE. Confident men do not go on the Internet to trap a girl and catch her cheating on him. Confident men don't lie about working late and then rush over to her house to see if she's got someone over. Confident men don't snoop through her email, voice mail, cell phone, etc. to see if she's cheating on him.

Doing these things indicates a certain amount of insecurity. It also (if she finds out about it) signals to her that you don't trust her and that you EXPECT her to cheat on you. Just like asking a girl out by saying, "I know you probably won't want to go out with someone like me, but would you please go to a movie with me on Saturday night," tells a girl that you lack confidence and EXPECT her to say no, snooping around and setting traps tells a girl that you lack confidence in the relationship and expect her to cheat on you and/or expect the relationship to fail. Not good signals to be sending out.

If you're confident in your relationship, you don't need to set traps and snoop. If you're not confident in the relationship, you need to talk it over with her and possibly get out of it. You're not doing anyone any favors by staying in a relationship where you feel you have to be constantly suspicious of her.