Cheated

[Dapper Swindler]

I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I'm going to spill my guts on sosuave. I'm not sure how I can summarize this without giving my entire life story so you know how I feel about things but I'll try to keep it brief.


I used to be pretty pathetic. Months ago I was 23 and had never had a serious girlfriend or felt liked, blah blah blah (first post stuff, you've all seen it before). But coming here changed things and eventually I met someone.

I met a girl who we'll call "Trish" who was very nice and reasonable. To be honest, I don't think she's all that attractive but she has a great personality. I think because I was so desperate for so long I really liked being liked by her and jumped into a relationship that I really didn't want.

So I've been seeing Trish for over three months. She is a great girl, I've never had any problems with her. We never argue, she never does anything that upsets me. But I still felt like I wanted to see other people. But I did not break up with her because a) I was afraid to hurt her feelings b) I was afraid to reject the only person to like me and be alone again, c) I didn't see any reason to stop seeing her as long as we were getting along. I honestly liked being with her, and I didn't see any reason to end it.

I tried to prepare her by explaining that we were in a "casual" relationship. And at some point I might decide I want something else out of life. And we agreed that if we wanted to see other people, that was fine as long as we told each other first and didn't start cheating or something stupid. But despite being "casual" we she practically lives with me now.

Well, this weekend she went home and I was left alone. I decided to go out to a dance club just for fun. For some reasons I can't really explain, I feel like I am exempt from any relationship rules that say I shouldn't be going out to clubs alone while my girlfriend is away. I guess I considered going out an "experiment" and it was okay because I would never do anything with another girl. That kind of thing is beneath me.

So you can guess what happened. A girl decided she wanted to dance with me, closely, for a long time. I guess because I've gone so long in my life without receiving that kind of attention I couldn't ignore it. So I took every opportunity to dance with her and talk with her.

She lives 90 minutes out of town and I ended up going back to her hotel with her older cousin. And we drank a lot and played cards. When her cousin went out of the room, we made out, etc. When we all got tired, I slept in bed with her. And things got a little wild. We didn't have sex, but only because her cousin was in the same room. thankfully. But throughout the night we did everything short of it. This girl was very beautiful and I've never had anyone like that be attracted to me. It was so amazing for me that I didn't bother trying to resist.

Right now I'm conflicted with strange feelings about how I've never had such an amazing experience in my life and how I've never done anything so horrible. Trish is really the kindest person I've ever known. She's never done anything but try to make me happy. And the girl that I was with, maybe she was just drunk.

The fact is that I'm not afraid of losing Trish. I just can't give her what she deserves and it would have to end sooner or later anyway. But to break up with her for that would be perfectly okay. What I've done now is something she doesn't deserve. It's something that I've hated people my whole life for doing. In a perfect world, people who cheat like that should be killed and girls as kind as Trish would be the most valued.

 

[MacDiddy]

Welcome to the REAL world... of course it would be lovely if everything was fair and injustice was non-existant but you gotta get over this mentality. It was never meant to be fair.. never!!! Our own internal human programming has prepared us for the surivival of our own kind... AND THIS IS THE $HIT WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH!!!!!!

Will your offsprings be better prepared for the future if you were to mate with a gorgeous looking chick or the UG????

 

[cactus3178]

Dude, f*ck that sh*t.

Never tell her. If you don't want to be with her, let her go, but don't ever tell her what happened. Like you said, she "doesn't deserve it", right?

Even if she did, tell her and be prepared to deal with it forever.

Also,

"Trish is really the kindest person I've ever known. She's never done anything but try to make me happy."

If this is true, you SHOULD feel bad. Don't beat yourself up, just do the right thing...let the poor chick go if you don't have any intentions of being real.

Good luck.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

@MacDiddy: I know the world is an unfair place. But that gives me all the more reason to try to be fair myself. The only thing I can really control are my own actions.

@cactus3178: Maybe you're right. It would be easier to not say anything. But why does my guilt make me want to confess? And I know if someone did this to me I would want to know about it. I think if I decided that I did want to stay with Trish then I should definitely tell her. But maybe if I was going to end things anyway then I can just not mention it.

Obviously, you can all tell I'm not used to these real-life adult situations. They scare me, and I'd like to just run and hide in a coat closet rather than face them. Hopefully, I'll grow out of this experience.

 

[cactus3178]

Originally posted by Dapper Swindler
I think if I decided that I did want to stay with Trish then I should definitely tell her. But maybe if I was going to end things anyway then I can just not mention it.

If it bugs you that bad...but realize that your honesty could be met with some consequences. Do you want to deal with her lack of trust in you should you let her know? Think about all the ramifications of what telling her would do.

Look, honestly is super, but sometimes it's best to leave things alone. Personally, I'd keep it between me, God, and that chick.

And if you really care about the chick your 'with', don't pull this sh*t again

 

[NewMan]

And why do you want to tell her?

because your selfish.

you are going to break this girls heart, because you want to feel better about yourself. Because you feel guilty....

This is another example of you not wanting someone who is good to you... i.e. we are after a challenge.... someone who will test us.

If you don't to be with trish, let her go. But deal with your guilt. Don't put it on her - it serves no purpose.

 

[Royal Elite]

You need to learn who you are in the purest sense of you (your essence). Once you find that out, if it isnt evil then you shouldnt hide that. What is getting you in trouble in not the fact you want other girls, its the fact you want other girls but you lead the ones you are with tto thinking that it is just them and you. People join personals with messages like "just want sex and nothing else." And when you see the picture you know to deal with them you must deal with this fact. When you lie upfront you take away a person's ability to choose, and this is a huge injustice. You need to be true with her with what you want, and give her the choice to stay or leave. I let women know off the back, I do me and I have a huge love for women, and nows its on them to stay or go. I win some I lose some, but I never have problems or guilt. Learn you and be true to you.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

I think you're right about being true to myself. The problem is maybe I don't know what that is or what I want. I really like being with Trish but I also feel like I'd like to see other people. And it's been that way since day one. I've tried to be upfront and tell her that I don't know what I want and I want to keep our relationship casual because I might want something else. I've been honest about that at least, even though we don't act like it.

Anyway, I'm now a college graduate and if I have any kind of future I should be thinking about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to live. I missed my chance to renew the lease on my apartment so now it's inevitable that I must move away.

 

[NewMan]

So - what are you worried about?

You have told her you want an open relationship.

She understands - you are good to go.

 

[MacDiddy]

You owe it to yourself to see what else is out there.. since you show signs of confusion, I'd say you're just feeling guilty about what you have to do to Trish in order for your life to move on... People will get hurt and don't think for one second that Trish could/would never hurt you...

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Originally posted by MacDiddy
You owe it to yourself to see what else is out there.. since you show signs of confusion, I'd say you're just feeling guilty about what you have to do to Trish in order for your life to move on... People will get hurt and don't think for one second that Trish could/would never hurt you...

You know that makes sense. Sure, Trish is nice to me now. But that's because she likes me and it's what she wants. If she felt as unsure about our relationship as I did would she really be as worried as I am about hurting me? Maybe not. Then again, me not wanting to hurt her is really more about me being a coward than me being a nice person. Maybe some nice people are really cowards; they don't want to hurt other people because they are so afraid of other people hurting them.

 

[FM 3321]

You said that Trish isn't all that attractive so it looks like that's the main problem. I think if a man isn't that physically attracted to his girl then it's gonna be tough for him.

Not sure what you could do with that but it looks likeTrish isn't gonna last forever so just make sure you're physially attracted to your next girl. The last girl I dated made me drool every time I saw and cheating on her was one of the last things on my mind.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Originally posted by FM 3321
You said that Trish isn't all that attractive so it looks like that's the main problem. I think if a man isn't that physically attracted to his girl then it's gonna be tough for him.

Not sure what you could do with that but it looks likeTrish isn't gonna last forever so just make sure you're physially attracted to your next girl. The last girl I dated made me drool every time I saw and cheating on her was one of the last things on my mind.

I really feel terrible for not wanting to be with Trish because she isn't attractive enough. And if I admit that then I have to face the guilt that I should never have started a relationship with her. But I don't think I cheated entirely because this other girl was more attractive although that is part of it. I think it's because I liked the attention. It's just so great for me to have someone be interested in me. This is how I got involved with Trish. She was interested in me and I was so happy with that that I jumped into a relationship with her.

 

[Joe The Homophobe]

It is better that you tell Trish and break the relationship. She will get hurt more if she finds out by means other than you telling her.

If "Trish" was just an average biatch like the rest of them maybe there wouldn't be a problem. But since "Trish" sounds like a true lady (in this world where true ladies are going extinct) and any real man gives a lady the respect they deserve. Be a man and tell her that you are not interested in a serious relationship.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Originally posted by Joe The Homophobe
It is better that you tell Trish and break the relationship. She will get hurt more if she finds out by means other than you telling her.

If "Trish" was just an average biatch like the rest of them maybe there wouldn't be a problem. But since "Trish" sounds like a true lady (in this world where true ladies are going extinct) and any real man gives a lady the respect they deserve. Be a man and tell her that you are not interested in a serious relationship.

You mean tell her about the "not wanting a serious relationship" and not about the cheating? I've tried to let her know that since the beginning. It's just been hard acting like it.

 

[Donald Kaufman]

I tried to prepare her by explaining that we were in a "casual" relationship. And at some point I might decide I want something else out of life. And we agreed that if we wanted to see other people, that was fine as long as we told each other first and didn't start cheating or something stupid. But despite being "casual" we she practically lives with me now.

Actions speak louder then words.

You say you want it casual but practically live with her. I've had 3 people talking to me about this lately. They don't understand why the other person keeps thinking it's serious when they sleep at each other's house almost everyday.

You "cheated" once. Until you figure out what you want you are very likely to do it again. Don't just say you want to be casual; be casual.