Changing oneself vs. admitting to yourself that youre already ahead of the game

[jbbrain]

For those who will read this post, it may come across as cynical. However, in no way is this my intention. Rather, this post serves more as a reflection of MY reality that I wish to share with those who wish to see it.

For one, I consider myself a very open, funny, personable individual who has many friends and a great upbringing. In many cases, however, I have lay witness to the fact that my openness (zanieness?)and my utmost desire to establish "connections" with people (who I either just meet or know for a brief amount of time) have been counterproductive to my social life. Let me explain...

In my mind, I like to separate the world into 2 groups of people. Those who GET it, and those who don't. Of all my close friends, one thing they share in common is their ability to be open, be themselves, not really care who thinks what of them etc..All the meanwhile, they share a great sense of humour that I can easily relate to.

My friends and family consider me to be a very very funny guy. Often, when I meet new people (girls and guys both, in the category of "doesn't get it") I have a trouble establishing some sort of connection. My off the wall sense of humour, definitely outlined with sarcasm and cynnicism, is apparently often hard for people to handle. The blank stares of complete dumbfoundedness are testimony to that. I often lose my desire to out in the effort of pursuing anything "more" with people like this.

Before I came to this site (like 3 years ago), I felt I was under very strong societal pressures to conform to the "normal" life (that is why so many of these people who "dont get it" I like to call "normies")..I would pretend to laugh at all the 2 dimensional jokes I would really not find funny, I would use the same expressions and the same body language as those "regular" guys I would see and overhear on the street, all in the spirit of appeasing the masses that constitute society.

For one, I would like to thank this site for permitting myself to do a little soul searching, mostly over the past year or so. Of course, I am on the road to self improvement, which means (of many things) augmenting my convo skills, investing a little more time into my interests and hobbies) etc etc. However, regardless of these changes I wish to implement in my life, no longer will I feel this pressure to conform and become like everybody else in their social behaviour. I have come to the healthy realization that, unlike my prior thoughts, I am NOT like everybody else. I will continue to build myself and grow and learn to love myself more and more, but based on the person I am now. Not on someone I now realize is really BELOW me..or, in the very least, NOT me. I choose now to exude my personality with pride, not to hide it in hopes of being accepted by people who really have no purpose in my life.

If the blank stares and the confusion many people (im sure Im not just being paranoid) have given me in the past ensue, I will simply now laugh it off and continue giving attention to those who actually "get it" in my mind. Enough of the feeling "hurt" when I feel somebody isnt as responsive to my advancements as I wish they would be. If I find out now that somebody doesn't lie me for whatever reason, I will shrug it off as an inconsequentiality in the realization that it is impossible to have everybody like you. In fact, no one should pursue the policy that everybody SHOULD like you. The truth is, none of that really matters. Who are you living life for anyways?

I am a man now, and only growing and improving as the years go by. I realize now that the old rhetoric of self-love is really the best message anybody can really learn from this site, and in life in general. If you love yourself, you WILL come to that realization that nothing else really matters (not to mention the apparent sudden realization that peopel will love you more too).

Such is the battle btw changing oneself in the spirit of self improvement and just being happy with who you are. In fact, it's not really a battle at all. If you live your life well, the two ideas should work in tandem.

Always improve yourself, but remember to improve on the foundation that is YOU. There is no need to become somebody else in your mystical quest towards self acceptance and enlightenment.

If that is the case, I am afraid you are already dead.

Thanks for the reading y'all.

 

[RKTek]

Your smugness shows, and masks your own deep feelings of insecurity. Your idea that people "don't get" your private joke is a huge defense shield. How can people "get" a joke or other idea that they don't even know is out there for them to get?

This is probably your personality type:

http://enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFive.asp
scroll down to the "average" and even notice things in the "unhealthy" section. Better yet, for a somewhat 'inside joke' on this type, read this:

http://www.handprint.com/HM/ENN/enn5.html

The fact that you notice how you are is a good thing since it is a start of self-awareness that can lead to a positive change. Recognition of a problem is half the solution and I hope you'll not only more recognize why you do this to yourself, but will then more easily find a way to the 'healthy' section of your personality. Your type has a lot to offer to the world, and women find this type attractive, but only if it's in the upper reaches of 'average' to 'healthy'.

 

[jbbrain]

I thought that was a good link..

I def. shared many characteristics in all three brackets. But overall, it ISN'T me. Because I am not an isolationist, although I am a big thinker. It's true, I do tend to obsess or analyze things way too much. Sometimes I do get into my own little world about things..when I was 8 years old, I used to obsess over things I had lost..I told my parents I didnt deserve gifts because I would just lose them! (psycho)

In the same token, I am a people's person. I have always been. I have no incentive to defend myself in any way, but how am I defending my insecurity at this stage in my life when I feel content and finally satisfied with my disposition, regardless if it's (IMO) different?

My post was not centered around being funny vs. not funny. Its not about having a sense of humour. Its about my personality type that appears not to mix amazingly with many other people I have met. In the same light, I have many many friends who understand who I am and I think that's great. Do you propose I should have adopted a more mainstream sense of humour/personality type and that my prior insecurity would have all of a sudden magically disappeared? Fvck taht dude. Again, this is a post about living life for you, not for anybody else (but that doesnt mean Im goign to become a hermit who hates people and hates life).

Dude, don't be mistaken, I am highly satisfied with the man I have grown to be. Yet, I still have many insecurities and things in my personality and life I wish to overcome. I don't like to sound like an elitist, because I'm not. But if hanging around and meeting many of the people I tend to meet out in the bars and clubs means I have to drop my humour a couple levels and use less intellect in my conversations with them, than I rather chill with and make new friends who I really like and share important values with.

I'm definitely interested in more replies and other people who notice similar patterns in their behaviour.

 

[jbbrain]

bump this biatch

food for thizzzzought?

 

[Unbridled_1]

dude, you live in Montreal, okay , there are beautiful and easy women everywhere. damn you're lucky. I'm not sure of the point of this point, but I wish I was in Montreal.

 

[Shiftkey]

That's a really interesting site RKTek. Type 8 seems to fit me almost exactly...

 

[Lionheart]

JB : Yup, been there, done that, bought the TShirt, me and you sound very simliar in disposition, I was kinda weird in High School though, plus I had a high IQ.

I also had problems with fitting in in High School, I at the time attempted to conform and hang around with a group of people who weren't really right for me, I now know that I am, and have always been, more of a class act than they'll ever be.

"In the same token, I am a people's person. I have always been. I have no incentive to defend myself in any way, but how am I defending my insecurity at this stage in my life when I feel content and finally satisfied with my disposition, regardless if it's (IMO) different?"

I am also a people's person, I like people and I like all their individual eccentricities, if you are an outgoing person people will notice it, I am also content as well with my current popularity, people KNOW that I am different, but I think this is actually a benefit rather than a deficit.

People know I have a slightly strange sense of humour, but I never apologize or feel bad for this, and as a result my sense of humour has never been better.
The whole confidence thing to know you are funny, and to KNOW that people will laugh when you pull it off I find makes you genuinely funny.

I also find that having genuine happiness and cheerfulness about yourself really helps as well, I am an eternal optimist and ever since reading the DJ bible and Sosuave, I have felt better and better about myself.
I am getting closer to that state of sereneness that the truly confident man has about himself.

One thing about people who are 'different' especially if you are intelligent or talented, is that you have to strive to avoid arrogance and elitism, as this can be sniffed out from half a mile away, people can always tell when they are being condescended to.

I think you know who you are and where you are going, maybe you just have to get over this stigma that you think you some sort of outcast or weirdo?

Be more outgoing and extroverted, and if you can't get along with 'normal' people, then find yourself a group of friends that are real and similar to yourself.

Lion - Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all the same?

 

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by Lionheart
JB : Yup, been there, done that, bought the TShirt, me and you sound very simliar in disposition, I was kinda weird in High School though, plus I had a high IQ.

I dont know, I feel like I went overbord with my post maybe. I'm in no way some sort of outcast..man, I for all I know, people dont even think I'm very different..I mean, I have NEVER been ostracized, ignored or avoided.. I have shyt loads of freinds and contacts. This whole feeling of being different is within me. I feel for myself, even if others don't, that I'm simply not the same. Plus, i dont know if I consider myself excessively smart, but I am a thinker, and I do believe I think about the state of the world a lot more than a lot of people.

I also had problems with fitting in in High School, I at the time attempted to conform and hang around with a group of people who weren't really right for me, I now know that I am, and have always been, more of a class act than they'll ever be.

Exactly. Can anybody say "Normie"? Being "normal" isn't a good thing guys...and wayyyy too many people are inflicted with this horrible degenerative disease, haha
"In the same token, I am a people's person. I have always been. I have no incentive to defend myself in any way, but how am I defending my insecurity at this stage in my life when I feel content and finally satisfied with my disposition, regardless if it's (IMO) different?"

I am also a people's person, I like people and I like all their individual eccentricities, if you are an outgoing person people will notice it, I am also content as well with my current popularity, people KNOW that I am different, but I think this is actually a benefit rather than a deficit.

Exactly. Feelign a little different at at time eccentric myself. I embrace other people zaniness with an open heart. I like people who are true to themselves...not who hold back in fear of projecting some "weird" image. I find I connect with these people (so long as theyre not outright crazy)..they have somethign to offer in a world of blurred lines and obscurity.

People know I have a slightly strange sense of humour, but I never apologize or feel bad for this, and as a result my sense of humour has never been better.
The whole confidence thing to know you are funny, and to KNOW that people will laugh when you pull it off I find makes you genuinely funny.

That's the self love we all know is super important..man, b4 I thought everyhtign was just about getting girls..now I realize that the success you fro that is only a fraction of what it truly means to be happy with yourself.

I also find that having genuine happiness and cheerfulness about yourself really helps as well, I am an eternal optimist and ever since reading the DJ bible and Sosuave, I have felt better and better about myself.
I am getting closer to that state of sereneness that the truly confident man has about himself.

One thing about people who are 'different' especially if you are intelligent or talented, is that you have to strive to avoid arrogance and elitism, as this can be sniffed out from half a mile away, people can always tell when they are being condescended to.

True. I find myself being condescending or arrogant towards those who do not fit my ideals...Not a good trait to have.

I think you know who you are and where you are going, maybe you just have to get over this stigma that you think you some sort of outcast or weirdo?

Haha, dont worry about me..I have no feelings that Im a weirdo or an outcaste..I KNOW now that I am neither.

Be more outgoing and extroverted, and if you can't get along with 'normal' people, then find yourself a group of friends that are real and similar to yourself.

I've been doing that more and more..its funny..there are TONS of personalities out there.
Lion - Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all the same?

I def. agree. Cheers to you Lionheart.

 

[jbbrain]

read my last psot..it got all fvcked up with the quotes

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by RKTek

This is probably your personality type:

http://enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFive.asp
scroll down to the "average" and even notice things in the "unhealthy" section. Better yet, for a somewhat 'inside joke' on this type, read this:

http://www.handprint.com/HM/ENN/enn5.html

The fact that you notice how you are is a good thing since it is a start of self-awareness that can lead to a positive change. Recognition of a problem is half the solution and I hope you'll not only more recognize why you do this to yourself, but will then more easily find a way to the 'healthy' section of your personality. Your type has a lot to offer to the world, and women find this type attractive, but only if it's in the upper reaches of 'average' to 'healthy'.

Wow, I get more impressed with the knowledge of people here everyday, didn't think you'd know of the enneagram.

I'm a 5 too btw, and I can relate to jb's first post, bought the t etc. I know I certainly had to work extremely hard on social skills when I was younger (when I was 13 I bought "How to make smalltalk"!! Now that I've got the conf & social skills, I'm working on learning the DJ stuff from here.

I'd be surprised if a majority of guys here are not 5s, this is a 5 type site for sure.

Oscar.

 

[Quick]

Also a 5 here. I know exactly what you mean about some people not getting your sarcasm and jokes. My solution was to surround myself with intelligent friends. We always get each others' jokes and I still get the socialization. I enjoy talking with everyone, but if someone can't get my humor, I can't hang out with them. I find myself subtly testing each new person to see how much of my humor and what i say they can get, and then putting them into a friend/acquaintance track base on that. People like being around me and talking to me, but they usually think i'm at least a little strange because of the directions my mind takes. I get bored by the everyday mundane conversations, and basically endure them in order to not be a recluse and to be friendly with co-workers and others. I'm not stimulated unless I'm talking about something abstract. I have the social skills, but it feels like i'm "faking it" so I keep a limit on random socialization.

That's probably why it's hard for me to approach girls. It's all small talk at the beginning. Something which I can do, but I'm not in my comfort zone with. Once I get started talking to a girl who's intelligent enough to get my humor, I've never had a problem building her interest or getting her to do what I want. The hard part is doing what it takes to meet enough women. That's why I tended to get stuck on one girl in the past also. It's not easy to find a good looking girl who gets the things I say and made a connection to me. Once I got one, I put too much emphasis on keeping one doing what I thought she wanted. What hurt me in the long term relationships was that I didn't get out enough. I'm usually quiet in mixed company and strangers rarely get to know anything about me. Though girls are attracted to my mysteriousness, humor, intelligence, athleticism, looks; it's hard to show me off because I don't just show up and start talking. Their friends wonder why they're with me, because they never see the parts of me that my girl does.

I'm working on it.

 

[jbbrain]

quick,

I really enjoyed reading your post, as it relates almost exactly to my situation.

thanks for the input dog.