Catharsis and the Inner-Child

[resilient]

When feeling plagued with emotions and feeling reactionary to a woman's rejection, whether in a LTR, or just plate spinning it's important to keep your emotions in check.

What aspect of yourself needs addressing? Consider writing in a journal to introspect and pinpoint those issues.

Rather than seeking a woman for validation, direction or self-acceptance (which fails every time because only YOU can give yourself self-acceptance), you have to face the inner-child and resolve to accept past failures. Learn from your mistakes and hold yourself accountable to avoid self-sabotaging yourself to have successful relationships.

From Nightcrawler (2014)​

Shout out to @deesade for mentioning the word, catharsis recently that gave me the idea for this post.

From Merrim-Webster:

Cartharsis

1. Purgation
2. A: Purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art, tragedy, or music.
   B: A purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension.
3. Elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.

Catharsis is also a related concept to becoming actively conscious of the inner-child.

In popular psychology and analytical psychology, inner child is our childlike aspect. It includes all that we learned and experienced as children, before puberty. The inner child denotes a semi-independent entity subordinate to the waking conscious mind. (Wikipedia, n.d.)​

The Inner-Child

1. Become conscious of the inner-child.
2. Past traumas, sadness, disappointments, and depression cannot be changed and must be accepted.
   1. You must not as an adult expect others to meet unfilled childhood needs.
   2. Lack of conscious relatedness to the inner-child is where behavioral, emotional, and relationship difficulties stem from.
   3. By ignoring the destructive behavior: infantile neediness, dependency, and dread of abandonment remain.
3. Authentic adulthood relates to the inner-child by learning to meet ones own needs in the absence of others, in a DJ's case: significant other (main plate):
   1. (A DJ must provide to himself) discipline, limits, boundaries and structure while support, nurturance, and acceptance.
      (this is where frame, self-respect, core values become solid)

Concluding that the more you accept yourself for what messed up trauma happened in your childhood instead of resisting the urge to resolve or rehash the same history in future relationships over and over, the mental/emotional issues must be faced so you can stand tall and be healed as a man.

Still carrying wounds from a mom or dad that neglected you? Accept what happened and forgive them. You don't have to forget, just accept what happened instead of fighting or denying it. Nurture yourself moving forward.

You must lead yourself first consistently and meet your own needs before you can lead in a secure attachment future relationship.

When you cultivate discipline, limits, regulate impulses, put limits on where you invest all your time and energy... life will turn around (i.e. never ever ever make a woman priority #1).

I suspect when a DJ resolves the catharsis/inner child work, the type of women he attracts will change (i.e. not gravitate towards HBD, NPD, dismissive/avoidance, dominant, cluster B types).

Facing the inner-child consciously is for your growth and benefit. You will reap the personal rewards to fixing your self-esteem and become less dependent on others.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Here's a meditation video specifically designed to put you in touch with your inner child and resolve any issues that are currently withstanding. I've done it a few times and it's very powerful:

 

[QuadDeuces]

I did the inner child meditation, (the short one), and I broke down crying.
Whats wrong with me?

 

[btownbuck2012]

I did the inner child meditation, (the short one), and I broke down crying.
Whats wrong with me?

Nothing. I got emotional when I did it too.

 

[fastlife]

Wish I could like this post 100x. A lot of people here ask, "Well, what's the endgame of all this?" As far as I can tell the endgame is the constant process of moving closer to unconditional self-acceptance and providing for yourself emotionally.

Once you start gaining mastery over this & learning your own buttons and how to press them and to not react when others do, everything else pretty much falls into place.

 

[resilient]

...the endgame is the constant process of moving closer to unconditional self-acceptance and providing for yourself emotionally.

Once you start gaining mastery over this & learning your own buttons and how to press them and to not react when others do, everything else pretty much falls into place.

Excellent outlook, @fastlife. You get it man. I've had a rollercoaster of emotions of week (well nearly 3 weeks) of a relationship derailing. I couldn't focus at work, I'm behind in continuing education scheduling/homework, I was irrational in thoughts, my actions were irrational.

I leaned in heavily on friends and family when I went into over-analytical hyper-drive. The anxiety was over-fueling me into depression. Communication has been effected too by my lack of sleep. I want to find peace and be calm, cool, and collected.

This forum has helped me to start to get back on track, I just realized I got a ton of work to do on the inner-child. Perhaps that's inner-game? Fear of abandonment and dread is messing up my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. I'm trying to center myself so I can chill out and calm myself down.

I tried going for walks mid day at work and at night before bed, cardio/weights before dinner, eating better, prayer, deep breathing and yet my headspace is still jacked...

I'm seeing an individual therapist tomorrow for the first time in a long time. I hope I can turn things around and get my life together and get well mentally. I don't like looking weak, pathetic, desperate, lost, confused... I want to be sure of myself and stop self-doubting my gut, second guessing everything, or clinging to one woman.

Women can sense desperation a mile away and I'm pretty sure it's too late to save my current relationship because of my inner-child drama this week.

Maybe I'll turn this thread into a journal that can be moved into Mature Man section. I don't know, but this mania/obsessive behavior has to stop. I have to get emotionally healthy if I ever want to stop letting people control how I feel about myself. I have to learn how to validate myself first and not try to force a relationship or a deal to happen. Or hang on too long, when it starts to affect my emotional/mental state.

Thanks @btownbuck2012, I've listened to a few Michael Seeley YouTube videos before to get to bed. I'll def. try this one tonight before bed.

 

[resilient]

Here's another video worth mentioning in this thread

 

[fastlife]

@resilient I don't think any of us will ever be 100% unreactive to the psychological triggers we have in place either via Nature (Instincts) or Nurture (Things we experienced as kids). But you can definitely be 100% more in control over your thoughts & reactions than you are now. And you can probably double a couple times after that.

I made a thread touching on this subject here:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/create-your-own-confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/

That was almost a year ago and 7 months into my meditation routine and at that point I was convinced that I'd made it. Well, I've been triggered a couple times after that and I've grown a ton in the past year. But just having healthy & effective coping mechanisms in place to fall back on is huge. You'll feel significantly better from time to time after your first month; and sustainably better after about 3. However, it's a lot like working out (you need a workout routine, too. Mind & Body )--if you take time off your mind will get out of shape & you're going up against 35 years of conditioned thought patterns that your ego will try its damnedest to get you to slip back into.

Definitely a journey worth taking. Most won't stick with it but it's been life-changing for me.

 

[resilient]

Thanks @fastlife, I'll check out your thread on confidence.

I was just talking to my father earlier tonight about solutions in how he has kept cool in his many decades. Maybe a solution could be creating some kind of self-care routine before bed so I can get restful sleep again. Maybe it's journaling, reading the bible, prayer, lavender essential oil, or writing/reading positive affirmations that I tell about myself so I can be centered and life a purpose-driven life.

10:20PM - 5 minutes of affirmations, 5 minutes of light stretching, 10 minutes deep breathing, 10 minutes prayer...

 

[resilient]

In my research on the inner-child this week, I discovered John Bradshaw's 10 hour dvd set on healing the inner-child videobook/workshop.

Synoposis:

combines lectures, meditations, visualizations and experiential exercises from his Inner Child Workshops that powerfully, and often painfully demonstrate how reconnecting with you inner child through original pain work can be the source of hope, fulfillment and regeneration.​

I wonder if the series would be worth watching on YouTube.

I've been doing audio meditations for free on YouTube this week to fall asleep and usher in the process of rewiring the brain to think and feel healthier.

 

[resilient]

I've watched a third of the PBS 1990s John Bradshaw inner-child series on YouTube right now and it's amazing how developmental issues never go into adulthood if they were never met as a child.

These are some of the issues that show up in developmental stages:

Wounded child
infant
-ingestive addiction (over eating/drinking...)
-mistrust of people, need to control
-deep fears of abandonment
-continual need to be admired
toddler
-trouble knowing what you want
-fear of trying new experiences
-fear of anger
-avoid saying "no" directly
pre-school
-trouble identifying what you are feeling
-difficulty expressing your feelings
-act on guesses and unchecked assumptions
-responsible for parents' happiness
school age
-feel uncomfortable in social situations
-are excessively competitive
-give in or have things your way
-have intense fear of making a mistake

Dealing with the emotional pain
-getting the emotion out
-doing the grief work
-doing the anger work
-allowing yourself to tremble with fear
-allowing yourself to have the emotion of the energy

Journey to wholeness
1. action - change behavior
2. feeling work - i.) original pain ii.) inner-child
3. cognitive work - corrective experience
4. spiritual - i.) expanded lifestyle ii.) higher power

Bradshaw shows some video taped therapy sessions of people getting healed from these childhood wounds. A person imagines the mother or father is sitting in the chair next to them and letting the emotions come up of crap that happened or needs that weren't met. In another exercise, words of validation never heard or spoken to as a child from the parents (i.e. "We're so glad you're born", "We're glad you were a boy", "We enjoy taking care of you", "We love watching you grow and change everyday".

I'll write back in this thread when I've watched more of finished the series. One of the the insights I gathered is if you're not healed from childhood wounds you may continue to attract the same person (who also has childhood wounds) over and over, when you rehash the neglect as a child from person to person thinking their abuse is love. The feigned "interest" or "intimacy" is actually destructive abuse that often repeats the behavior of the parent that was critical, dismissive, or avoidant.

To attract a whole person, you have to become whole first. That dynamic changes the type of women you are attracted to when you fix your childhood trauma.

 

[resilient]

I watched part 4-8 this week. Here's what I've picked up:

New nurturing rules

It's ok to...
1. Trust your eyes & ears
2. Think what you think
3. Feel and express your feelings
4. Want what you want
5. Play/have fun

Four P's of therapeutic change

• Potency
• Permission
• Protection
• Practice

New learning

• Practice asking lots of questions
• Practice being aware of feelings
• Learn communication skills
• Confront toxic guilt
• Create a bond with the same sex group (i.e. hang out with just the bros)
• Set a goal and experiment
• Life skills inventory
• Social skills inventory
• Practice values clarification
• Set intellectual boundaries
• Brainstorm a problem with friends and co-create a solution
• Practice negotiating conflict

A decent chunk of what Bradshaw's material toward the end of the series is about being true with the authentic self. In other words, don't let others discount or dismiss your feelings. He goes into some neurolingistic programming (NLP) techniques to tap into the inner-child and heal/accept previous crap that happened. I think the gist is to say what's on your mind if it's bothering you rather than letting it all bottle up and turn into something destructive or passive aggressive if not handled constructively/responsibly.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Hi @resilient... solid thread. Yes, this is all about control of emotion. It can be the Achilles heel of so many men. I think a lot of guys may think it a bit unmanly to talk about the 'emotions' and the 'inner child'. Personally, I prefer the more philosophically rigorous language of 'phenomenology' - that which precedes Reason, which is in reality superficial.

A concept I'm interested in at the moment is 'impulse control'. If I feel an impulse to do something, or consume something, I restrain myself, I allow a certain amount of time to pass by, and only then will I engage with it, or not. I've found this builds a resiliency in my... 'better self'. It goes back to the Socratic injunction to 'Know yourself'. And then perhaps the roles become reversed; the inner child becomes the inner man, and the outer man becomes the.....

In the Greek way of thinking, you then live a self-determined life. This kind of life does not concern itself too much with origins, or material causes, it is teleological, it pursues the aims that are excellent in life, which then brings it back to reason.

 

[resilient]

Yes, impulse control is congruent and fully in line with facing the inner-child needs of "discipline, limits, boundaries and structure while support, nurturance, and acceptance." Some guys here are very good at creating an autonomous lifestyle and are very successful at getting things done.

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”
― William James

One of the hardest traits I'm working on is consistent self-discipline outside of game. Doing the hard work that it takes to get further along in education and grad school. Planning on a consistent basis is hard. Most of the time I'd rather go out on a date, join a social gathering, or get distracted by various social media.

I stay at home alone often when I have no plates. Although... staying at home often enough is what is required to get further along with advancing career goals by getting educated further online and planning for important deadlines.

 

[resilient]

I've been working on inner-child issues since my last post. Confidence still seems to be running a little low in the fuel tank.

A few strategies that I hope will improve confidence levels:

• NoFap (on day 10.. going for 30 and possibly 90 hard-mode)
  • better eye contact
  • correct posture when I feel myself slouch
  • stronger handshakes
  • voice/tone a little deeper than normal...
  • ask open-ended questions more often
    • Connect on feelings not just facts
• Leadership
  • leading groups of people
  • stop to give a brief talk
  • get 20+ people's attention to get together to form a group photo
  • quick blessing before a meal
  • coordinating events with other organizers, email/text, etc. to figure out what we need/bring, logistics
• Studying needs serious work. I'm putting in more hours with quizzes and memorization. I failed an online multiple choice exam (depressed need to regroup, re-strategize how to do better next time)
• Gym - working out 5-7 days a week, increasing the intensity. Gained 12 pounds since the start six weeks ago... I want to bulk another 20 pounds.
• Guitar - playing daily, practicing chords, hammer-on, pull-offs, scales, tabs whenever possible, still attending weekly 30 mins lessons
• Deep breathing - Practice this technique 5-20 mins daily

 

[resilient]

Still working on fulfilling my own needs. I wish I could go out more, be more social, acquire and spin plates again, yet I learned I'm not studying nearly enough or as efficient as I should be (more on that below). I have to double down on studying. Good news though, I graduate this month with my undergrad degree.

I failed a four-month prerequisite course recently that I absolutely need to get into graduate school. I'm going to have to study insane hours, hire a tutor, and retake it. The course is the foundation of learning in the field I want to pursue so there's no way around it. I still need to understand the concepts from the macro to the micro picture. The crappy thing is... I let that failure take a direct hit to my self-esteem. The failing grade messed with my confidence. I've been in isolation and that isn't healthy for my stress or self-esteem. I've never failed a course in my life.

I've gained 20 pounds of muscle in the last three months which is helping with confidence, yet I still feel like the road ahead is a journey I have to take in purging the inner-child issues.

3rd month of going NoFap. Hopefully, this time I make the full 30 days and beyond.

Guitar skills are improving daily and that's helping with confidence aside from the gym work.

Working on killing neediness in person or away.

I don't initiate texting as much and reading a thread in the main DJ forum confuses the sh!t out of me about the level of frequent contact. It's like your damned if you do it too much, damned if you don't do it enough. I'm wary of orbiters or competition because I don't feel like my SMV is high enough to compete as I'm in career limbo. I'm annoyed when plate drops an orbiter name in convo and I'm working on not being phased by that because I'm working on myself first. Plates are a lower priority. For example, "my friend Dave has a friend that has a sailboat, so I finally went sailing last weekend for the first time! Here's a pic (shows Instagram (her trying to DHV?) not sure...)."

 

[resilient]

Phlegethon
noun
1. Also called Pyriphlegethon. Classical Mythology. a river of fire, one of five rivers surrounding Hades.
2. (often lowercase) a stream of fire or fiery light.

Feeling lost lately, floating along the Phlegethon. I want to purge the catharsis emotions. I want to practice my mantra hakuna matata lately, but it's hard not to feel like what's the point... Still struggling with some neediness / dependent behavior -- even though at social events, I'm independent and will talk to everyone there. I've been working on meeting my own inner-needs. Lately, I haven't felt like I can relate to others in conversation.

 

[resilient]

Last night I was watching this YouTube video on how to comfortable being alone and mid-way through the video I got interrupted by an hour+ ad. My first instinct was to hit the "Skip Video" button. The first minute was enough audio for me to get hooked to lay down before bed and listen to the whole thing.

“The Happiness Manifesto” By Julien Blanc (How To Let Go & How To Be Happy All The Time)

Happiness
- Happiness is a state, NOT an emotion
- Feeling “happy” is a temporary escape or relief from pain
- Happiness is a continuous state
- It doesn’t depend on anything

Seeking
- Happiness is our very basic nature

Why it eludes us
- We try to seek what we already have
- We keep looking for it in all the wrong places
- Coming from a place of scarcity VS coming from a place of abundance

Maintain state
- We must remember and reconnect to what we are
- By letting go of all obstructions and limitations

Subconscious
- Stop running away from it and welcome it
- Let go of any resistance
- Practice & time

Let it go
- Be aware of what you want to let go of
- Allow yourself to experience it fully
- Let it come up and let it out​

I thought it was interesting that even though the media tried to squash him in 2014 with his YouTube scandal, the RSD PUA overcame all that by living through the pain instead of fighting it. Sitting with that pain with awareness and then let it pass through so he could let it go. He also had an amazing analogy that our subconscious is like a dumpster. It's constantly receiving information and we're not really filtering what we're receiving. Think of negative thoughts. How do we escape a negativity trap? We have to force ourselves beyond our default to thinking of things like "All woman are like that" and reframe in the present moment with conscious awareness. He isn't happy 24/7, though he's learned to not let rejection and other perceived pain affect him very long. He embraces it and moves on.

So when I think and ruminate about the past rejection I've experience and inner-child wounds, the way to deal with it is not push it off or away.

Live through that pain.

Think "Yeah... some fvcked up sh!t happened. I learned from those experiences. It's made me into who I am and I let all that go."

 

[Exelerate]

I did the inner child meditation, (the short one), and I broke down crying.
Whats wrong with me?

You are crying to release the negative emotions and tension that has been suppressed and subconsciously affecting your life. Crying is a cathartic experience.