Can you give me opinions on what I did wrong?

[margucos]

Before you start to read, i wanna make clear that English is not my native language... Ok lets go!

Story started like this....I met this girl at a party, had a nice conversation me, my wingman (beta) her and her friend. I displayed right alpha qualities, being the leader of the conversation, showing my self as cool, relaxed, fun and easygoing, I peacocked on NOT-Drinking alcohol... (I had a period of my life of drug addiction and alcoholism and thankfully I found my way out with the help of Twelve-step meetings and I've been clean/sober for 2 years and counting...) the thing is I dropped her and my friend that night and said good night to her with a kiss in her hand) However didn't asked for her number, really can't tell, I guess at the moment I wasn't that interested in her, even she's maybe a high 7, (say 7.8 or so). A couple of days later I rememberd her and decided to add her to facebook. She quickly gave me her number and started chatting with her really slightly. Over a couple of alternate days I used to send her fun comments and stuff, with no big responses from her. Then one day I sent her link with a video of me playing the guitar, as a "if you know anyone looking for a guitarist in their band, let them know) automatically she gained a lot of interest, started sending me nice emoticons, and some pictures of her drawings and stuff. In a matter of 2 days I asked her out for an excercise date. We went for a jog and started off with a really high kino and great conversation. By the moment I was in total command of the interaction and leading as a MAN. Didnt kiss her last night, played hard to get and gave her the "mysterious, interesting, charming, friendly but uninterested " vibe. two days after that, asked her out again and she was up to that. Took her for a cup of coffee, we talked, then I kissed her. She was surprised by my confidence and lack of shame.. we hung around a couple of hours and then I took her to her place, started making out HOT in the car and suggested her to go to a motel. She didn't put any resistance. We went there, had hot love-making+passionate animal sex. she was very submissive and willing to do anything I wanted. Treated her like a ***** and like a lady, at the same time. I know she was into me. But then DOUBT jumped into my mind... I said to myself this girl has a tramp stamp and seems too easy... she's the artsy type and these girls are usually too wild, free and unstable.. I met her at ****'s house (the nº1 atual NATURAL i know in life... any girl you meet as her "friend" is surely to be on his score-list.) she's super cool but kind of freaky...maybe she has a ton of daddy issues and has slept with a whole bunch of guys (she's 24 just like me, and her **** wasn't tight at all...) she is an usual drinker , cigarete smoker and often smokes pot... i said all this to myself and concluded NOT FOR ME, don't get attached to this SLUT!!!!!!

I meditated all this and decided to let her know I wans't into anythin serious with nobody... So when I took her to the door of her place,I held her by the hands, looked at her in the eyes and said something like ya know, I had a great time with you, you're such a cool girl and sex was great.. I'd like to see you again BUT right now I'm not looking for anything serious.. like, I like you but I'm not the relationship type of guy... I have a well-developed 6th sense and actually felt her disgust with what I just said.. she acted really cool, and told me she was OK with that, that she's not into anything serious either, damn she played the act really cool (what a great actress, something else I mistrust) but I knew I just screwed something inside of her female ego, I guess.....

The next day I texted her (oh, a gentleman I am...) and the interaction had TOTALLY changed.. the cute, charismatic, fun, sexy girl had dissapeared.. Then I know she was MAD at me... (why would that be??....) I asked her out casually two days after, went for a walk, talked, kissed and that, but she was not as close and warm as before... next day I started worrying about I had screwed things up...so I decided went over her place and tell her I was sorry, that I didn't meant what I said, that i was scared of feeling too comfortable around her and that I'm not used to lovemaking... in few words, I fell from Jerk to Needy Chump..... she told me nevermind, that obviously I hurt her feelings but that I have the rights to express what i felt at the moment and that it was cool.. I said NO please give me a chance (AFC) and we kissed and stuf... but i knew things had changed.. she no longer texted me.. I often wrote to her, send her fun stuff, but her responses were dull... I dropped on her for 2 weeks and then one night there was a red moon eclipse, and asked her if she was loooking at it, and asked her out to go to a park and watch the event.. she told me she had been driking some wine... she came with me, acted naturally and fun.. a lil bit goofy (pretending she was with me because she was mildly drunk, and not because she felt something, I can tell these because I was an alcoholic myself and can perfectly spot the level of intoxication on a person, just by their breath, look, judgment and behavior... i know she wasnt actually drunk..) long story short, we went to a motel and had passionate sex.. but this time she wasn't as submissive nor as interested as the first time.. i.e. first time she cared of me cumming.. this time she didnt, nor she told me to do anything i wanted and didnt spent too much time cuddling... anways, on the way home she asked me right out of nowhere, to revealing questions.. Nº1. What's your zodiac sign? Nº2 What do you want from me?

I was cold and almost jaw dropping.. I mean, didnt see THAT one coming.. I then had the idea that this girl actually wanted something serious but was afraid to open up and getting hurt.. I told her and were really bold and honest with her... said to her look i dont want anything FROM u, I just want to SHARE with you.. I really like you, both personality and physically, and I'd like to see you from time to time, go out to the movies, eat something, excercise, partying, have sex and even if we don't have sex I'd be cool because I enjoy your company.... why do you ask? and she just like.. didnt know what to say and gave me the don't listen to me, I'm drunk... I dunno what I'm actually talking about... I asked her acouple times if she wanted to speak her mind or something, and she just didn't opened up.. on the walk to her door she asked me "how are you"? I relaxed said I'm OK.. Im gray (pointed at my gray t shirt).. left her home and we kissed in a light and unpassioned way.. I felt like I GOT HER!!!!

Next morning (because I'm a gentelman) I said hello, how are you.. she text back saying. Hi, I'm cool... you?.... (I HATE THE smiley, what the f*ck does it means in this context?) and a couple of days later asked her out for a dinner.. she came up with an ok excuse.. the next day asked out again, another (lame excuse) ... i started to suspect... next day AGAIN (****TY EXCUSE, at this poing I PERFECTLY KNOW she's just avoiding me and Im acting like a total AFC / needy chump / beta crap) ... I said ok..

Next morning I texted her "Hey I had a great time with tyou but I can see you are very busy and wouldn't want to bother you... itt has been a pleasure".. She answred with a cold, heartbreaking and EGO devastating "Alright.." Goddammit i felt like.. ****...... WTF..... I LOST!..... my EGO"... NO..... 20 minutes later she wrote and said.. I'm not into discussing this stuff in instant messaging.. I find it disgusting.. I'll call you later... Guys, she never called, I text her a couple of hour later something like hey if you just want us to be f*ck buddies , then 'ts alright, i don't mind that...... (the alpha side of my personality went like.. seriously dude??? you are ****ing incongruent... AFC again!!!) then later that night she text me via facebook, "sorry her phone went off".. i said "nevermind".... couple of days later last weekend, said hello, hope you are having a nice day and nice weekend.. she answred "thank you, hope you do too the same ".. next night I casually said hello, what are you doing tonight.. she said she's gonna be with family and I said thats nice, have a great evening, she said thanks... Of course thwat was a 6pm.. the next morning I saw her instagram had pictures of her, late a night in a rock gig in my town..

That was last saturday, today is tuesday. Havent texted her.. deleted her contact for the 8 time... hope I wont text her back.. Im trying to keep my decision.. I know I acted out as an incongruent bastard, needy AFC, etc... I also know that at the beggining after the first sex, I was a DOUCHEBAG...

Im having a hard time with codependency and neediness, as you'l see a lot of my addictive behaviours turn to come out withe relationship and ladies as well. Im working on a therapy because we ex addicts have ****ed-up personalities, suffer from low selfteem and our brains have all been twisted by the drug abuse... Im in recovery and know that this ****, a lot of this has more to do with my own self-image than just mere PUA techniques.. I easily got the lady! but right after getting her to bed, all power started falling from my hands.. I feel the urge to POSSESS HER,and if she isn't after me I feelk like Im a Loser because i lost her hard earned approvall (not hard the particular process with her, but all the pain and experiences of my beta-afc life, in which I had been hardly working over...)

If you got until here, I'd like to read your honest opinions, insights, suggestions, etc. on this story... PS. I'm being brutally honest in my story, not hiding any detalis, just to make sure you guys know the real sucession of events, Itt's painful but it's the only thing that can help me get better at life overally... thanks..

 

[RangerMIke]

Okay. You never should have told her that you didn't want a serious relationship the way you did. The women gets to decide this not the man. Your job is to make dates have a good time, and get sex. Her job is to decide if you are relationship material. You should have continued to make dates and sleep with her, sooner or later she would have brought up the 'relationship', then and only then do you tell her you are only interested in a casual relationship. What you did was insulted her.

The other thing you did wrong was too much texting. All you should be doing is making dates... all this additional communication via text does not really help you.

 

[Serenity]

You're pretty aware of what you did wrong, I can see that from your story. Reminds me of myself a couple of years ago, the incongruency thing. You were incongruent because your mind was locked on fvcking her rather than evaluating if you wanted a relationship with her, you played games and she caught you for the player you were.

If you want a fvck buddy you gotta make that intent clear preferably before you're having sex, else you risk giving false hopes with the following disappointment of not being who they thought you were. The sad thing is that she might have genuinely liked you, but you threw it away.

It happens though, you didn't feel ready for a relationship so you backed out. When or if the day comes that you want a relationship you should act with that in mind. I did that with my current girlfriend, made plans with her a month in advance, asked her to join future things I was going to do and tell her I don't want to leave her (even though I had to because of work and stuff). I also gave her every choice to leave, but she wouldn't because she loves me for giving her that freedom and other immaterial goods.

The story from a couple of years ago I was in your situation, thought I wanted a fvck buddy, but didn't act like that. This girl supposedly wanted the same, but I think that she only went along in the hopes I turned out to be good. Had some really good fvcks then she went cold as I became incongruent. I was really looking for a potential relationship, but I thought I wanted a fvck buddy. So I started out being the fvck buddy, then I realized I liked her. I started acting differently, more carefully, she noticed and I didn't hear from her. I kept deleting and re-adding her number and did other stupid sh!t I thought would bring her to me instead of just having a straight conversation and end the uncertainty.

I got past it eventually though, I suspect she actually liked me though, but wasn't ready for what I wanted. I wasn't ready either so I'm happy it didn't turn into anything. I think she might have had a hard time forgetting me though, even if its subconscious. When I met her half a year later randomly at a bar she told me I looked really good, like she could see my life was awesome. Found out she very seriously dated 3 guys with the same name as me, the last of which is her boyfriend.

So yeah, my advice would be to make up your mind quickly, be clear about it and stick to your words. You can't be incongruent if you maintain integrity to your own decisions and take responsibility for them. I find people changing their intentions very very repulsive, either they like me or they don't. No room for enduring insecurity. I allow people some time, but at some point they decide or I decide for them and that's usually the less attractive alternative.

 

[Speculator E]

Okay first off it doesn't sound like it's a total loss as she's still hanging out but if you continue to act needy then it will be. Right now she's still deciding about you and you need to give her space. You already apologized and said you want to get serious with her. That's good. What she needs right now is space. It's time for you start withdrawing and she will come back or you can shoot her a text in a week or two.

I've done things like this before with previous ex's and the key thing I did was give them space to sort out their feeling. Good luck.