nodirtywater
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This is not a new topic for this forum, but wanted to know what you guys think and what and how I should proceed.
I met Jenny about 4 years ago in law school. She and I became immediate friends, and started spending all kinds of time with each other. Both of us eventually transferred to a better school and we got closer. I never made a move on her early on and we just were close buddies. There was always some kind of attraction between us, and I always found it interesting that we never talked about the people we were dating even though we were always talking.
We had a big fight about 3 years ago and didnt talk for about a year. We saw each other from a distance but both steered clear, until she approached me on two separate occasions and told me that she missed me and wanted me back in her life, and that the disagreement we had was just a misunderstanding caused by some crazy mutual friends in our lives.
We quickly got back in our groove, but she was having some health problems. We started getting a little intimate UNTIL I had some friends in town and wanted her to meet them. She disappeared after a DR appt and told me that she wasnt coming to see us because she was spending time with the guy she was dating - the guy she had been dating for 3 years and never told me about. I got upset and told her that I though we had been moving somewhere after not having talked for so long and that, perhaps we had better not talk anymore since she was not aware of where I had been going with our relationship. She freaked, I caved, and with a little time we resumed our friendship... All feelings were set aside....
Skip ahead two years, we became better friends, but I started having feelings for her again, but kept them buried. Until one night we were talking while she was on vacation. She had been sending me pictures of her trip, and we been discussing a future and what struck me was that she said that she had entertained the idea of a "we". Late night, I wrote her an email and told her that I wanted to see if we could make something together, that my feelings had changed, we had discussed kids, met each other's families, that I just loved when she would call me everynight to say goodnight before bed, and that there was something more than just friendly intentions. In short, she freaked. Told me that she was there with another guy, and had been sleeping with her roommate for almost a year (which had just ended when she moved out)... Things I would not really have cared about, except that she had never told, and had been somewhat dishonest.
We didnt talk for a month, except for some tense texts and return my crap conversations on her part. I cut off conversation otherwise. Eventually she got in touch and wanted to reconcile, apologizing for her nasty temper. Just yesterday she came over we sat down for a talk. She cried, I could see her get all misty, but she tried to hold it back - these werent crocodile tears. The gist was this: She wanted me as a friend, I was one of her best friends, and she didnt have many really good ones, she wanted to be my friend forever, but was just not feeling it right now for anything else - she fessed up about the other guys that they were nothing important, that had been why she never told me (whatever), but only because she was lonely and hadn't felt like having anything serious after going through all kinds of serious medical issues and surgeries. We reciprocated our feelings for each other. She got home texted me and said that she had cried when she got home, and that the apology that she made was unlike others that she had made to stay in the high ground with people, that really meant nothing at all. She said that she was feeling some things that she hadnt in a long time.
I have had conversations with a mutual friend who says that the tension between us through the years were because I was providing the support and emotions that the other men she was seeing were not able to provide, or rather were using her and abusing her emotionally.
So here is my question, I really like this girl, I have off and on for a long time (though I have had some relationships with other women in between), and I know that I will for a long time to come. I dont care about her past with other men, we had nothing exclusive committed or even stated. I respect her position, but I really would like to pursue something with her that is meaningful in a more committed romantic sense. Is there anything that I can do? I dont want to force her, manipulate her, or mess with her head, but there is something that is not connecting, even if the emotional bonds are already there...
Ask questions, I would be happy to provide more details, after knowing someone so long, there is always more to the story...
I met Jenny about 4 years ago in law school. She and I became immediate friends, and started spending all kinds of time with each other. Both of us eventually transferred to a better school and we got closer. I never made a move on her early on and we just were close buddies. There was always some kind of attraction between us, and I always found it interesting that we never talked about the people we were dating even though we were always talking.
We had a big fight about 3 years ago and didnt talk for about a year. We saw each other from a distance but both steered clear, until she approached me on two separate occasions and told me that she missed me and wanted me back in her life, and that the disagreement we had was just a misunderstanding caused by some crazy mutual friends in our lives.
We quickly got back in our groove, but she was having some health problems. We started getting a little intimate UNTIL I had some friends in town and wanted her to meet them. She disappeared after a DR appt and told me that she wasnt coming to see us because she was spending time with the guy she was dating - the guy she had been dating for 3 years and never told me about. I got upset and told her that I though we had been moving somewhere after not having talked for so long and that, perhaps we had better not talk anymore since she was not aware of where I had been going with our relationship. She freaked, I caved, and with a little time we resumed our friendship... All feelings were set aside....
Skip ahead two years, we became better friends, but I started having feelings for her again, but kept them buried. Until one night we were talking while she was on vacation. She had been sending me pictures of her trip, and we been discussing a future and what struck me was that she said that she had entertained the idea of a "we". Late night, I wrote her an email and told her that I wanted to see if we could make something together, that my feelings had changed, we had discussed kids, met each other's families, that I just loved when she would call me everynight to say goodnight before bed, and that there was something more than just friendly intentions. In short, she freaked. Told me that she was there with another guy, and had been sleeping with her roommate for almost a year (which had just ended when she moved out)... Things I would not really have cared about, except that she had never told, and had been somewhat dishonest.
We didnt talk for a month, except for some tense texts and return my crap conversations on her part. I cut off conversation otherwise. Eventually she got in touch and wanted to reconcile, apologizing for her nasty temper. Just yesterday she came over we sat down for a talk. She cried, I could see her get all misty, but she tried to hold it back - these werent crocodile tears. The gist was this: She wanted me as a friend, I was one of her best friends, and she didnt have many really good ones, she wanted to be my friend forever, but was just not feeling it right now for anything else - she fessed up about the other guys that they were nothing important, that had been why she never told me (whatever), but only because she was lonely and hadn't felt like having anything serious after going through all kinds of serious medical issues and surgeries. We reciprocated our feelings for each other. She got home texted me and said that she had cried when she got home, and that the apology that she made was unlike others that she had made to stay in the high ground with people, that really meant nothing at all. She said that she was feeling some things that she hadnt in a long time.
I have had conversations with a mutual friend who says that the tension between us through the years were because I was providing the support and emotions that the other men she was seeing were not able to provide, or rather were using her and abusing her emotionally.
So here is my question, I really like this girl, I have off and on for a long time (though I have had some relationships with other women in between), and I know that I will for a long time to come. I dont care about her past with other men, we had nothing exclusive committed or even stated. I respect her position, but I really would like to pursue something with her that is meaningful in a more committed romantic sense. Is there anything that I can do? I dont want to force her, manipulate her, or mess with her head, but there is something that is not connecting, even if the emotional bonds are already there...
Ask questions, I would be happy to provide more details, after knowing someone so long, there is always more to the story...
