Calls me a bit controlling I bail

[exhausted]

So my girl hangs out with this guy at work at times. Every day the guy stops in her office and chats. I've known this for 7 months. I just find out the guy is a scumbag cheating on his wife for 6 years and having an affair with a married woman at work, breaking up her family.

I've never said a word about this guy and her friendship with him.
Now finding this out I ask her why be friends with such a low life.

This leads to an argument.

I just don't understand why especially since my girls ex did the same to her.

The argument leads to my girl saying I'm "a bit controlling"
Never once did I say not to talk to this guy I just don't understand why.

I take being called controlling as being abusive and a horrible insult.
Now all a sudden she wants things to be normal between us and I just can't be with someone who views me like that. She's tried to take it back in a way saying it "seemed" I was but I have the messages of her saying this.

I consider myself a good person I've treated her and her daughter like gold and to be called controlling when I'm absolutely not pushes me away completely.


I feel I will never feel the same. I feel like a fool thinking all this time things are great.


So I'm about to walk.

Am I over reacting? Is this emotional girl reaction or a red flag?


Thanks guys for any of your input. I appreciate it

 

[Partizan]

Women are drama queens and do this **** all the time. This one girl I dated complained that her ex-husband was "physically and mentally abusive". Yet, for some reason, whenever I pressed her to provide specific examples, she would either avoid the question or say something he did that I would not even remotely classify as abusive.

I ended that one before she did the same to me.

 

[In2theGame]

Anytime a girl i was dating or in a relationship said i was controlling was because i was questioning certain things and they 100% turned out another guy they were into. My first LTR was a long time ago, i found out about a guy she worked with that kept on calling her. I told her to get rid of that fvcking guy before i said something to him. She called me controlling... Not too long after she wanted a break. I later found out that she wanted to hook up with him. few months went by and she called me crying because he tried to rape her.

Second serious LTR, she never called me controlling and respected what i had to say. Whenever a guy was trying to just be a "friend" i would tell her to get rid of him when i suspected that the dude was trying to make a move on my girl. She always respected it and our relationship remained strong. Towards the end, the break up was very messy, hurtful and just overall bad. She called me controlling but what she really wanted to do was be free from me to go fvck around with different guys.

Ive heard it being said to all my guy friends at one point or the other and the end result is the same damn thing. The girl uses bullsh*t words like "controlling" and "insecure" to make you feel like your wrong and she should be "free" to do whatever she wants. They use that as a cop out to push themselves away from you because someone else is catching their eye. Men for the most part arent really controlling at all, We just make sure our relationship with our Girlfriends/Wives stays solid and no other guy is welcomed to intrude on that. its when the girl wants to explore the other guy/guys, she will start that bullsh*t excuse. Overall, no you are not wrong. Its just an excuse to push you away in sorts or at least let her talk (flirt) to whatever guy she wants without you questioning it.

 

[smooth_as_silk]

Double posting

 

[smooth_as_silk]

I've never said a word about this guy and her friendship with him.
Now finding this out I ask her why be friends with such a low life.

This leads to an argument.

Are you the Pope or a moral figure?
You guys need to understand that the more you deal with such moral crap with your girls, the less you're respected. If you don't like something, ignore and pursue other interests and eventually walk away... it's that easy.

 

[exhausted]

Anytime a girl i was dating or in a relationship said i was controlling was because i was questioning certain things and they 100% turned out another guy they were into. My first LTR was a long time ago, i found out about a guy she worked with that kept on calling her. I told her to get rid of that fvcking guy before i said something to him. She called me controlling... Not too long after she wanted a break. I later found out that she wanted to hook up with him. few months went by and she called me crying because he tried to rape her.

Second serious LTR, she never called me controlling and respected what i had to say. Whenever a guy was trying to just be a "friend" i would tell her to get rid of him when i suspected that the dude was trying to make a move on my girl. She always respected it and our relationship remained strong. Towards the end, the break up was very messy, hurtful and just overall bad. She called me controlling but what she really wanted to do was be free from me to go fvck around with different guys.

Ive heard it being said to all my guy friends at one point or the other and the end result is the same damn thing. The girl uses bullsh*t words like "controlling" and "insecure" to make you feel like your wrong and she should be "free" to do whatever she wants. They use that as a cop out to push themselves away from you because someone else is catching their eye. Men for the most part arent really controlling at all, We just make sure our relationship with our Girlfriends/Wives stays solid and no other guy is welcomed to intrude on that. its when the girl wants to explore the other guy/guys, she will start that bullsh*t excuse. Overall, no you are not wrong. Its just an excuse to push you away in sorts or at least let her talk (flirt) to whatever guy she wants without you questioning it.

Man you make some good points for sure, thanks.
Thing is, she is really into me, shes been a single parent since her daughter was born for 3.5 years now and I am the only one who she has ever had around them both. Her daughter loves me, she loves me, (its been 7 mths together). Anyway, I do trust her, if I didn't I would just bail, its not worth my stress if I have to worry about someone. Her past is that she was married at a young age, was not allowed to have any friends, divorced and had none. Now she realizes its important to have friends. I understand it and get it. Point is her job is full of cheating ****ty people who betray their marriages emotionally and physically. I am 36 and have set high standards and I dont associate with people who do that. I trying to teach her about boundaries and things of that nature.

I think she is preconditioned with some things, early on when we started talking she brought up her ex a few times, i responded hey babe, I really dont wanna hear about him. Well she hates him, he was awful to her 4 years ago so I know its not that she wants him, it was just ignorant. She responded by asking if I was jealous or insecure. ha.. I said no I just dont care to hear about him unless it pertains to her daughter which I understand.

She is preconditioned that I was jealous, my response, I was a two sport pro athlete, baseball and boxing, who the hell am I jealous of? I will compare life achievements all day...

Anyways, long story short I am just trying not to jump ship so early because she has had a tough past, and I myself have as well.


Thanks for the post

 

[Tiguere]

I stop reading when he said she had a daughter. Dating a single mom?? Dont give up on yourself man

 

[exhausted]

I stop reading when he said she had a daughter. Dating a single mom?? Dont give up on yourself man

Yea I understand. I have raised my son on my own his entire life, he is just now 15, I am 36. It is funny because I though no way would I ever want to go through all this again, but I feel compelled that I can be helpful and make a difference for these two girls. It may sound dumb but I really think I am what they truly need.

Having said that, if I am disrespected and my boundaries arent maintained I will bail out immediately.


I really appreciate the support here guys, I have been reading and learning off this site for a month.

 

[Alvafe]

Yea I understand. I have raised my son on my own his entire life, he is just now 15, I am 36. It is funny because I though no way would I ever want to go through all this again, but I feel compelled that I can be helpful and make a difference for these two girls. It may sound dumb but I really think I am what they truly need.

Having said that, if I am disrespected and my boundaries arent maintained I will bail out immediately.


I really appreciate the support here guys, I have been reading and learning off this site for a month.

I recommend you pu your age on the profile to help us out on giving advices, when I read the had a daughter I also said to me what the hell you are losing time with her?

things you have to question,, who is the father? was married when prego?

also I wonder if you are thinking right, you say both girls need you and you can help then out, I don't think you should care, first she is not your daughter and i'm pretty sure when she get older and you tell her do something she will toss on your face you are not her father, I saw that several time over and over, if your guts is telling you something is wrong, something is, I would drop her for the simple fact she prefer to risk staying with you then cutting a guy out.

so its up to you if you want to stay on this thing, or find a better woman, just ask yourself, you can find a younger and childless woman so why lose time on her?

 

[The_411]

Yea I understand. I have raised my son on my own his entire life, he is just now 15, I am 36. It is funny because I though no way would I ever want to go through all this again, but I feel compelled that I can be helpful and make a difference for these two girls. It may sound dumb but I really think I am what they truly need.

Having said that, if I am disrespected and my boundaries aren't maintained I will bail out immediately.


I really appreciate the support here guys, I have been reading and learning off this site for a month.

There's your problem you are thinking too much on what they need and not what you need. You're not their savior, and a man should never put himself in the white knight, savior role for a woman.

As to why she's talking to this guy, you know the reason why, he makes her tingle.

Women use the word controlling because that's a description that diverts the attention from what she is doing onto you.

I'd be shocked if she's not either already hooking up with or she doesn't eventually hook up with him.

 

[exhausted]

There's your problem you are thinking too much on what they need and not what you need. You're not their savior, and a man should never put himself in the white knight, savior role for a woman.

As to why she's talking to this guy, you know the reason why, he makes her tingle.

Women use the word controlling because that's a description that diverts the attention from what she is doing onto you.

I'd be shocked if she's not either already hooking up with or she doesn't eventually hook up with him.

Good points. She works midnights in an office of like 3 girls and 100 guys so it is inevitable she will be having guy friends.

she states this guy stops by for 5 mins each morning to bs, even tho he is a cheater, which I feel is a worthless human being seeing he has a family and is ruining another, she says he is one of the few guys that doesnt disrespect her and just treats her like a friend.

Im not an idiot, she is pretty honest about stuff. Anytime she gets texts or emails she always opens them up right in front of me, I never care to pay attention but she doesn't hide things.

Anyway she doesnt go out and do anything unless i am with her. she spends a lot of time with me so there is no chance of cheating.

She even cancelled going out with a bunch of friends because I could not go, I told her go have a good time I will see you tomorrow, she cancelled stating she didnt feel right going to the bar without me. I trust her but shes pretty respectful in that fashion

 

[The_411]

Good points. She works midnights in an office of like 3 girls and 100 guys so it is inevitable she will be having guy friends.

she states this guy stops by for 5 mins each morning to bs, even tho he is a cheater, which I feel is a worthless human being seeing he has a family and is ruining another, she says he is one of the few guys that doesnt disrespect her and just treats her like a friend.

Im not an idiot, she is pretty honest about stuff. Anytime she gets texts or emails she always opens them up right in front of me, I never care to pay attention but she doesn't hide things.

Anyway she doesnt go out and do anything unless i am with her. she spends a lot of time with me so there is no chance of cheating.

She even cancelled going out with a bunch of friends because I could not go, I told her go have a good time I will see you tomorrow, she cancelled stating she didnt feel right going to the bar without me. I trust her but shes pretty respectful in that fashion

I understand your sentiment regarding his behavior.

I would just say never assume that a woman won't or can't cheat. Doesn't mean you need to be paranoid, but you should always have in the back of you mind that it could happen.

All I'm saying is to be vigilant because he could be positioning himself as the bad boy and if you're not addressing her emotional needs he could seduce her.

You're seeing good behavior with her by cancelling going out and her showing you correspondence, but do not assume that is how it will always be.

 

[exhausted]

I understand your sentiment regarding his behavior.

I would just say never assume that a woman won't or can't cheat. Doesn't mean you need to be paranoid, but you should always have in the back of you mind that it could happen.

All I'm saying is to be vigilant because he could be positioning himself as the bad boy and if you're not addressing her emotional needs he could seduce her.

You're seeing good behavior with her by cancelling going out and her showing you correspondence, but do not assume that is how it will always be.

Thanks.

yes at 28 I was married and divorced in two years. She was clinical BPD, i had no idea so for 7 years ive been terrified . haha.. dated a lot of girls but I always find a reason to bail out.

That is why I am here , I do not trust my judgement 100% because of it, just wanted some input to see it I am over reacting. Thanks

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I'm with 411 & AlV, you judge him based of what you know and she got offended. She decided to take it out on you because in her eyes he's not a terrible guy, she's bonded with him. That doesn't mean she wants to bang him or is....js

Thanks to my ex-wf & SS I have kicked single mom syndrome. 100% happy with my decision as well.
You may have squashed the banter from your girl about her ex, I did the same with my ex but trust me it will only last for so long. Hopefully I am wrong for your sake. Just add this to your collection of red flags for now.

Pull a search on single moms you will understand better on why most DJ's stay clear from them.

 

[Kailex]

Yea I understand. I have raised my son on my own his entire life, he is just now 15, I am 36. It is funny because I though no way would I ever want to go through all this again, but I feel compelled that I can be helpful and make a difference for these two girls. It may sound dumb but I really think I am what they truly need.
.

First I read single mom...

And then I read this white knight garbage.
Oh how righteous you must feel... STOP IT.

If she thinks you are controlling NOW because of a co-worker... what happens when you try to discipline her child the way you disciplined YOURS?

I'd bail... like YESTERDAY.

 

[hudpes]

I think everyone could be right. All we can operate with are indices, results may be off completely, but something is afoot. I'm going to go with a very harmless mild annoyance at your prying into her chatting with a male coworker, because I'm in a good mood today. Although this still means a slight lack of respect and a slight lack of trust, you should find out if it was always like this, or just very recently.

On the other hand his badboy lifestyle may thrill her on a subconscious level and she secretly (from herself even) finds him appealing, like a forbidden fruit.

 

[exhausted]

I think everyone could be right. All we can operate with are indices, results may be off completely, but something is afoot. I'm going to go with a very harmless mild annoyance at your prying into her chatting with a male coworker, because I'm in a good mood today. Although this still means a slight lack of respect and a slight lack of trust, you should find out if it was always like this, or just very recently.

On the other hand his badboy lifestyle may thrill her on a subconscious level and she secretly (from herself even) finds him appealing, like a forbidden fruit.

Thanks for your time.

Update:

I've known our whole relationship this guy swings by and chats for a bit everyday. I could care less. No big deal. She just this week tells me about
him having a 6year affair with a married coworker.
Her ex cheated on her her entire pregnancy an after. She truly hate this guy. So I ask why associate with a low life of your ex's character?
After some arguing and miscommunication she tells me she wasn't aware if his actions. But knowing now she doesn't approve but just views him as a work friend. I question why even that he's a low life she sees this as an attack on her character. She has no contact with him out I work.
She threw the controlling thing at me I said I'm out as I don't tolerate degrading accusations.
She's retracted that for the most part.

I don't know. It's not a trust issue for me if she is disrespectful I will bail ASAP.

The controlling bs just pushes me away

 

[skinnyguy]

I stop reading when he said she had a daughter. Dating a single mom?? Dont give up on yourself man

LOL I was thinking the same thing. That alone speaks volumes about this women. It's sad that guys will stoop so low just for puss.

 

[Zarky]

I doubt you'll actually break up with her over that comment (or talking with the dude) but I heartily approve of you stirring her emotional pot to gain an upper hand in the relationship.

Women are experts at that.. men less so. You shouldn't be afraid to threaten excommunication to raise your power level with a broad.

 

[foreverace87]

Easier said than done (thought I can preach this because I have practiced it!)...one solution


- BAIL OUT! BAIL OUT! BAIL OUT!

- Ejection handle - Pull.