Calling all fathers.... HELP!

[InLawsHateMe]

Ok.... I've been with this chic for 4 years now.... best 4 years of my life... I wore the pants..... I impregnate her... 8 months of total bliss..... last month, starts to trip out a little... it's normal ppl say.... she has baby, has so much love for me... we get out of hospital, and home... she starts tripping.... they call it the baby blues... so I stay cool.... I try to help around the house (we both have our own places) cook, clean, etc... out of no where, she's getting this attitude of 'I have your baby now.... the pants are on the other leg.' .....she no longer calls me, and since I want to see the baby, I'll call her... where as before, I wouldn't even bother calling, I would do my own thing until she calls..... I get no love.... now I know that baby blues, this is normal.... but aren't they suppose to end like after 2 weeks, or soemthing? .....I mean, she's baking cookies and sh*t..... last Saturday, she got me a nice Valentines Day card, and gifts.... signed fom the baby and her... but I keep getting this 'I own you now attitude.' ....the only thing she has on me is the baby.... not child support... she just knows how much I love the baby... so she's like 'Who's the boss now?'......wtf?

Is there any DJ fathers out there? ...how does one handle this situation?

 

[squirrels]

First of all, "baby blues" is no excuse for ludicrous domineering female behavior. Put the woman in her place...it's as much your child as hers. Don't ever let her pull that "me and my baby" crap as if the baby was on "HER side".

(and no, I'm not suggesting violence, but you need to grab your balls. What you are dealing with here, no matter WHAT the psycho-physiological reason, is unacceptable behavior.)

 

[dietzcoi]

I have to say I saw this coming for the last few months I have been reading your story.

I had the same issue but I married the woman when she got pregnant. I had 15 years of (mostly) being treated like nothing but a bank account by "that woman".

I do not have advice to get her to change her ways. She is the type of woman, a large percentage of them, who just want a baby, once they have it, their man becomes secondary.

I know you will want a relationship with the child so you are stuck. However, I would try to ignore all her drama as best you can. Be a DJ just like before, and don't take sh1t. Do not let the baby turn you AFC or both you AND the baby will suffer for it.

I cannot help you but this may help others out there reading it...

DO NOT BUY IN TO THE HOLLYWOOD CRAP ABOUT MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY!

"Married with Children" was the truth... "Everybody loves Gaymond" is the truth.... your life will be OVER!.

Learn, learn, learn from this people

Dietzcoi

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
I have to say I saw this coming for the last few months I have been reading your story.

I had the same issue but I married the woman when she got pregnant. I had 15 years of (mostly) being treated like nothing but a bank account by "that woman".

I do not have advice to get her to change her ways. She is the type of woman, a large percentage of them, who just want a baby, once they have it, their man becomes secondary.

I know you will want a relationship with the child so you are stuck. However, I would try to ignore all her drama as best you can. Be a DJ just like before, and don't take sh1t. Do not let the baby turn you AFC or both you AND the baby will suffer for it.

I cannot help you but this may help others out there reading it...

DO NOT BUY IN TO THE HOLLYWOOD CRAP ABOUT MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY!

"Married with Children" was the truth... "Everybody loves Gaymond" is the truth.... your life will be OVER!.

Learn, learn, learn from this people

Dietzcoi

Goddamnit, those German women are the sh*t!!! 8)

I appriciate your reply bro..... but there are certain differences here... I did not marry her.... even though she wanted me too, even though her family wanted me too..... which could also be the reason she's acting like this..... secondly, that son that we produced, is a PIMP! ....just like his Daddy... and I do love him more than anything on this planet..... even German women.... and I will be a part of that baby's life, with or without her! ......I need her about as much as she needs me.... and since I ain't getting any love, it's not much anyway.... I don't have to love her to love my son..... I can love others, and love my son..... she's just his mother..... let me make it clear that I want nothing more than to make this work for al of us.... but it takes two to tango, and one of us right now, doesn't want to dance so..... I am that boy's Dad, and no one will take my place.... ever.

I just thought, since I've never been in this situation... that there were fathers out there that had similar situations... their woman, trying to take over, using baby as leverage to be under their thumbs.... I know there's a way to set things straight..... as much as it would hurt me to do this, but maybe if I just stay away for awhile... I dunno? ......I love that boy, but if I have to send a message to her, that even if she has my son, I can still walk away..... I dunno? That is why I am turning to the DJ Fathers here....

It's a shame she don't know how good she got it I guess, until it's gone.....

 

[JohnJones]

I have two myself and my view of it was that she naturally turned to her new obligations: the children. That's what one's own mother would have done.

I did think it was a shame that there was less time for us after that and I blamed both sides for it (and I mean keeping it fun and edgy the way it had been before them) .

But in the end the point is that she has to care for them and that is what she is doing now, which to her means the gloves are off.

She may also be feeling as if she is primarily on her own in caring for the baby (I can't comment on the attitude that suggests she owns you; I only ever got an attitude of dependance, which was accurate).

 

[JohnJones]

I re-read your post, and I think that what you are saying isn't that she is doing what is appropriate under the circumstances but rather is trying to get extra mileage out of it.

Can you just approach her and describe calmly how you think things look and how they need to be for you to be involved? In the end, she may disagree or think it not fair or that you are too mean, or whatever, and that is where your willingness not to participate can be made clear, if you are okay with that.

 

[Trapspringer]

Some women will try to use the baby against you. It is like a trump card to them. I had to handle this by being a little cold at first just to show my son's mother that I won't be manipulated through my child. It still is a tough and complex situation. If the mother doesn't realize that the child is losing out through this type of BS, the situation will just remain very complex and not easily solved. It is tough but keep the child's best interest in mind.


Welcome to the world of fathering out of wedlock.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

InLaws,

I'm not a father to a child, that I know of anyway, but I've seen hudreds of examples of this behavior from a woman throughtout my life, through friends, family and countless others. Everything people said here is true and sad to say the child becomes a 'power' card in the hands of a woman because she knows she has little power over a man in all other respects!! She will use this power to her advantage and to your demise. Don't let her use it as such, and at all costs, maintain your proper place as a father and a man!

This is why it is so important to know the thinking and values of the future mother of your child ' before' you impregnate her. It could be a blessing or a curse. Nowadays, fatherhood has become a curse because of the poor selection, on the part of father, of the woman he chooses to bear his child, and the wretched condition of the female mindset in the 20th/21st century! The water is over the bridge now, just make the best of it for you and your child!

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Thank you DJ Dads!

....I knew there were some DJ Fathers on here! ..or maybe I should say, THANK GOD!... there are some here.

ok.. I'm learning.....

"I have two myself and my view of it was that she naturally turned to her new obligations: the children. That's what one's own mother would have done. "

This hit home JohnJones.... if this is the reason, I can live with that.. truly... I can really see that this is more of why she is the way she is now.... if the baby is her main priority right now, I'm all for that. I'm just so used to the attention, and affection.... then all of a sudden, nothing... I guess I started trippin, when the daily phone calls stopped, and the daily 'I love you's.' stopped, and the flirting, and the affections stopped... oye...

Ok... what should I do from this point on? What are some sugestions, tips, etc? .....I mean, she really isn't thinking about anything BUT the baby.. no love, nothing... so should I try to be affectionate? Should I do the same and just focus on the baby?

This is a typical example of how things are now...
Last night, right before I got off work, I called her to see if she wanted me to get some dinner... she said 'no' and that she was goign to cook spaghetti, so I asked her if she wanted anything form the store, and she said not really.. I got flowers for her, and a Suess book to read to my son.. I got to her place, gave her flowers, she asked why, I said cuz I felt like it... then I had dinner with her, while watching tv... hardly spoke... I read to the baby... he fell asleep, so I put him in crib... and as a nice gesture, I did the dishes.... as soon as I was done, I grabbed my stuff, kiss the baby good night, I said good night, she said good night, and I left... that's it.... *shrugs*

I mean, it's been 3 weeks already... this can't be Baby Blues... she baked cookies yesterday... I dunno..... I could sure use some encouragement...

I've talked to a million mothers, and all have said, 'This is just a phase... it will get better.' and I've talk to a million fathers who have said 'I never went trhu that!' ..so wtf?!

Thanks everyone for the words btw...

 

[JohnJones]

I think you are doing fine at the moment and maybe more than you need to.

I don't know much about hormones being out of balance (and that's an easy crack to make) but I remember the biggest thing at the time was mind-bending fatigue, and that was just me. She was exhausted waking up 3-4 times a night for a few months.

I know that the more tired I am, the less I give a sh*t about anyone else.

Maybe the thing to do (she may be at full capacity as far as endurance is concerned) is to hang out and rest with her, if you enjoy it. If you are of a mind to help her, do something that lets her rest (more dishes, maybe something like that).

If she's had a few weeks/months to rest and still seems way off, then you may have an issue, in which case you can try to help her (maybe she needs counselling or something).

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

BTW, inlaws.

Her ignoring behavior is 'not normal' women need the loving and support of a man more when they have a child than ever before, so you would think she would be more loving towards you...and why the surprise comment from her when you bought flowers, Huh?

BTW, it is widely known that women lose their 'sex drive' right after birth and/or feel uncomfortable with their bodies - this may be a small factor but not an overwhelming one explaining her nonchalant uncaring attitude towards your gestures of love.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by JohnJones
I think you are doing fine at the moment and maybe more than you need to.

I don't know much about hormones being out of balance (and that's an easy crack to make) but I remember the biggest thing at the time was mind-bending fatigue, and that was just me. She was exhausted waking up 3-4 times a night for a few months.

I know that the more tired I am, the less I give a sh*t about anyone else.

Maybe the thing to do (she may be at full capacity as far as endurance is concerned) is to hang out and rest with her, if you enjoy it. If you are of a mind to help her, do something that lets her rest (more dishes, maybe something like that).

If she's had a few weeks/months to rest and still seems way off, then you may have an issue, in which case you can try to help her (maybe she needs counselling or something).

JohnJones, you are BRILLIANT!! ..thank you sir.
I knew as soon as I read your reply, that it was the reason behind all my frustration... thank you so much.

I just called her to see how the baby is doing (He's got a little cold) and she said he's doing better... and she sounded glad to hear from me, for a change! ...she said her sister came over this morning, and helped her watch our son, while she slept till noon. She said he's getting better... which I noticed last night.

So what I've discovered, thansk again to your help JohnJones, is that, before she had the baby, I was just below whale sh*t, on her list of important ppls... our son, being top two on the list.... but NOW.... I'm just one above whale sh*t, and presently, I'm sitting pretty under dog sh*t, and pig sh*t, since she probably likes the family dog better, and she likes bacon.... hey at least I'm still on that list... one day, I'll move back to the top 5! LOL!

Thanks again bro.....

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
BTW, inlaws.

Her ignoring behavior is 'not normal' women need the loving and support of a man more when they have a child than ever before, so you would think she would be more loving towards you...and why the surprise comment from her when you bought flowers, Huh?

BTW, it is widely known that women lose their 'sex drive' right after birth and/or feel uncomfortable with their bodies - this may be a small factor but not an overwhelming one explaining her nonchalant uncaring attitude towards your gestures of love.

Thank you bro.. but what I would assume is ignoring, is really what JohnJones said... that I'm not priority right now.... Imean, she did get me a nice Valentines Day present from 'Her and our Baby'... the response to the flowers? Well, she just didn't want me to spend the money that's all....

I just have to remember that, Thank yous', and I love you's may be awhile..... /rollseyes.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

I guess I'm not writing so much for new advice, so much as to reaffirm some of the sage wisdom already presented.

I have a 4 1/2 month old who is also pimptacular in his own right. (I can't help but smile when I think of the hidden meaning of his initials; D and J) Unwed living apart. You're exactly where I was two months ago save that I immediately established that I was there to love and support her and the kid as best I could, but I would only do so of my own accord and any attempt to compel or cojole me otherwise would provoke swift retribution. That put the fear of god in her and made her much more amiable to a mutually beneficial relationship as opposed to outright emotional warmongering. Even then there were those persistent feelings of going from the top of the pedastal to the bottom of the trash-heap in her estimation, and I assure you this is purely a side effect of the first few months of motherhood.

I love both my lady and my son dearly. Up until he establishes a regular schedule (right around two to three months old), your son will be just about the most cholicky, needy, demanding poo-factory this side of Oprah Whimphry. (sp?) The best thing you can do for her is to communicate your love and support to her. Be her shelter in the storm. I take over the mundane aspects of my son's care and read to him while I'm there. I'm a very demonstrative person anyway and hugs every now and again and words of appreciation have worked wonders for me. She expends all of hers with the baby getting precious little of it back from the baby. Provide these to her and she'll appreciate you all the moreso for providing them. Eventually things will start settling down with her and you can once again enjoy the pleasure of each other's company.

It only gets easier, so for now keep ticking off the weeks and plan a night or two alone for the both of you, allowing her to relax and giving her a chance to show her gratitude. Mine demonstrated hers this Valentine's Day. Also, while there will be body-image issues to deal with (as a result of the stomach returning to normal), the sex drive returned in mine roughly a month afterwards, so right now its probably a lack of energy, not a lack of libido causing this temporary cease-fire. Hang in there Brother, and here's wishing the best to you and your little DJ.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[myfriendblu]

4 years of bliss eh? Dude, ever since I have joined this site months ago you have been having problems with this chik. I think dietzcoi is right, seriously. Thats what happens. Dam dam dam. I used to want kids, but the older and wiser I get, the less of a chance it seems to happen. Im pretty much flat out against it now.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by CyranoDeBergerac
I guess I'm not writing so much for new advice, so much as to reaffirm some of the sage wisdom already presented.

I have a 4 1/2 month old who is also pimptacular in his own right. (I can't help but smile when I think of the hidden meaning of his initials; D and J) Unwed living apart. You're exactly where I was two months ago save that I immediately established that I was there to love and support her and the kid as best I could, but I would only do so of my own accord and any attempt to compel or cojole me otherwise would provoke swift retribution. That put the fear of god in her and made her much more amiable to a mutually beneficial relationship as opposed to outright emotional warmongering. Even then there were those persistent feelings of going from the top of the pedastal to the bottom of the trash-heap in her estimation, and I assure you this is purely a side effect of the first few months of motherhood.

I love both my lady and my son dearly. Up until he establishes a regular schedule (right around two to three months old), your son will be just about the most cholicky, needy, demanding poo-factory this side of Oprah Whimphry. (sp?) The best thing you can do for her is to communicate your love and support to her. Be her shelter in the storm. I take over the mundane aspects of my son's care and read to him while I'm there. I'm a very demonstrative person anyway and hugs every now and again and words of appreciation have worked wonders for me. She expends all of hers with the baby getting precious little of it back from the baby. Provide these to her and she'll appreciate you all the moreso for providing them. Eventually things will start settling down with her and you can once again enjoy the pleasure of each other's company.

It only gets easier, so for now keep ticking off the weeks and plan a night or two alone for the both of you, allowing her to relax and giving her a chance to show her gratitude. Mine demonstrated hers this Valentine's Day. Also, while there will be body-image issues to deal with (as a result of the stomach returning to normal), the sex drive returned in mine roughly a month afterwards, so right now its probably a lack of energy, not a lack of libido causing this temporary cease-fire. Hang in there Brother, and here's wishing the best to you and your little DJ.

-CyranoDeBergerac

"pimptacular"...........LOL!!!!! That's smooth! ....Congrats bro!

Thanks for the 411 man.... I'll tell ya dude..... I was about to throw in the towel.... I thought they were 'different' before.. man, they are way different AFTER having a baby.... I mean, they're all different.. but if there were a 'common blue print' as to what happends to em before, and after birth... my gf would have followed it to a T...

I had a similar talk with her like two weeks ago.. I said, 'hey, I don't know what's going on here but if you don't want me around, tell me, so I'm not like wasting our time here... it's the least you can do after all we've gone thru.... just be straight up with me. I'm too old for this, and besides, we've got a baby now... I can do without this drama!' ....she didn't say anything, so I kissed the baby and left... she called me like 8am the next mroning with 'I'm sorry... I want nothing more than for this to make this work, and I really want to try.' ..I said, 'I know you do.. you are just under a lot of stress.... and we're both very tired, from lack of sleep... but I'm with you.'

I swear to god man.. if I can make it thru 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth, and now this... I can make it thru any damn thing!!!

......if there's anything else for me to watchout for.. give me a heads up bro!! ..so I don't go WTF MAN?!?! ..again.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by myfriendblu
4 years of bliss eh? Dude, ever since I have joined this site months ago you have been having problems with this chik. I think dietzcoi is right, seriously. Thats what happens. Dam dam dam. I used to want kids, but the older and wiser I get, the less of a chance it seems to happen. Im pretty much flat out against it now.

C'mon dude.... everyone has cloudy skys in a relationship. Give me some damn credit.... you'd think if that if teh bad out weighed the good, I'd be audi here.... but it hasn't. Wouldn't lie to ya.... there are changes in a relationship, constantly, and sometimes it takes balance.... for real. For 8 month sof the pregnancy, nothing but love... that's how it is.. 8 months of peace, then time for some clouds, then 8 months of peace, then clouds... no big deal.... everything is a learning experience right now....

Besides, if you did a search on here on my postings... my troubles are from her Dad, and brothers, not her.... hince my nickname on here... they've been the most pain in my ass! ....that little sh*thead still needs his a$$ kicked too!

 

[( . )( . )]

ive just become a father aswell (12 days ago) so i have a fair idea what your going through, the way i see it is like this, chicks do a total 180 when they have a new child, her priorities TOTALLY change so much so that you can forget about the old her,and your role to her takes a back seat, ive accepted this and am just going to go with it, as long as she lets me see my daughter il be fine,which she does.

 

[dietzcoi]

Yes, dietzcoi is right....

I hope i am wrong for your sake but I have to tell you your story sounds like a slow spiral to disaster. My only regret is that I cannot help you and others. I can only warn those who have not yet bought into the AFC married/childbearing lifestyle "DON't DO IT!"

Myfriednblu - glad you are taking heed. I would sell my soul to the devil to have had this board and the internet in existence in 1983. I would be rich, retired and skiing instead of sitting at work writing to you guys!

Dietzcoi

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Inlaws,

Besides loss of sex drive, and feeling uncomfortable with her body, some women may get depressed. See the link below...

Wome have been having babies for thousands of years but it is funny how the these signs of ill-behavior only showed up 30 years ago following the women's liberation movement...hmmm! Since it's been on tv programs and the 'oprah' show it seems 'postmortem depression' is on the rise. I personally believe there is some truth to it, but it has been blown out of proportion and is now being used as a 'crutch', to excuse modern-day women's already bad attitudes and ill-behavior!!!

post partum depression