Rollo Tomassi
Master Don Juan
In POOK's inimitable words, Rejection is better than Regret.
I was recently sifting through some of my past posts using the search feature of this forum when it hit me; over 90% of what I advocate here can be reduced to overcoming a fear of rejection. 90% of the dillemas AFCs and rAFCs find themselves in, and a majority of men's concerns, with the opposite sex find their roots in the methods and means they use to reduce their exposure to female rejection. These are buffers meant to reduce the potential for this rejection of intimacy. Men of course aren't the only ones who use buffers - women have their share as well - but I think it would be much more productive for guys to recognize this propensity in themselves and see the methods they use, and often ego-invest in their personal psychologies, to buffer themselves against rejection.
Virtually every common problem guys come to this site for help with finds it's basis in these buffers.
LDRs - The AFC will entertain an LDR because it was based on a previous acceptance of intimacy and being no longer convenient (due to distance) the guy will cling to the "relationship" because it's a buffer against potential rejection from new women instead of accepting the relationship as being finished and maturely re-entering the dating pool. It a perceived "sure thing", even if only rarely rewarding.
Playing Friends - Usually after an LJBF rejection where the perception is the potential love interest "might" later become an intimate with time and qualification. No matter how misguided, the time and effort spent by an AFC in proving himself as the "perfect boyfriend" is a buffer against further rejection by new potential females, which is then further compounded by a moralistic sense of duty to be a Friend to his LJBF girl. In essence, his buffer against further rejection is his misplaced dedication to the LJBF girl. Another variation of this is the Cap'n-Save-A-Ho dynamic.
Emails, IMs and TXTs - I should also add lengthy phone conversations to this list as well, but really any technology that seemingly increases comunication serves as a buffer (for both genders) the more it limits interpersonal communication. In the AFC case, the rationalization is that it keeps him in constant contact with his sex interest (which in and of itself is a mistake), but only serves as a buffer against her rejection. The latent peception being that it's easier to read a rejection (or hear one) than to potentially be rejected in person.
MySpace & Online Dating - This one should be fairly obvious for the same reasons as above - Online dating is perhaps the best buffer ever conceived. In fact it's so effective that businesses can be built upon the common insecurities and fear of rejection of both sexes.
Objectification of Gender - This might be less obvious, but both sexes tend to objectify the other. Naturally when think of this, the popularized notion is that men objectify women as sex objects, but women have a tendency to objectify men as "success objects" for the same reason. It is easier to accept rejection from an object than it is to take it from a living, breathing, human being. This is why we refer to intergender communication as a "game." We "score" or we get "shot down"; the buffer is in the language and mental approach.
Idealization of Gender - This is the myth of the "Quality Woman." The buffer operates in perceived self-limitations based on a search for an ideal mate. Thus a tendency to fixate on one woman (ONEitis) or one type of woman (a gender Archetype) develops. By limiting to, and/or fixating on one woman (or type) the potential for rejection decreases, while insuring that any real rejection will come only from non-qualified women. Rejection = Low Quality Woman and is thus disqualified. This works in a similar fashon to the objectification buffer in that the woman delivering the rejection is reduced to an object.
Scarcity Mentality - The "Take What I Can Get" acts as a buffer in that it works opposite of the Idealization buffer. Deprivation is motivation and by sticking with the "sure thing" (regardless of personal consequence) the potential for new rejection is eliminated.
Older Women, Younger Women - I should also include certain body types in this category as well, but the buffer is in certain types of women being less likely to reject a man due to their personal circumstances. The Older Woman thread has been done into irrelevancy on this forum, but the buffer is that older women, acting in accordance with their conditions, will be more inclined to accept the advances of younger men. In the same vein, very young girls will be more apt to accept the advances of older men due to naiveté and fat women are easier to become intimate with due to sexual deprivation. This isn't rocket science, but an internalized preference for particular women develop with an association with the minimization for potential rejection.
I was recently sifting through some of my past posts using the search feature of this forum when it hit me; over 90% of what I advocate here can be reduced to overcoming a fear of rejection. 90% of the dillemas AFCs and rAFCs find themselves in, and a majority of men's concerns, with the opposite sex find their roots in the methods and means they use to reduce their exposure to female rejection. These are buffers meant to reduce the potential for this rejection of intimacy. Men of course aren't the only ones who use buffers - women have their share as well - but I think it would be much more productive for guys to recognize this propensity in themselves and see the methods they use, and often ego-invest in their personal psychologies, to buffer themselves against rejection.
Virtually every common problem guys come to this site for help with finds it's basis in these buffers.
LDRs - The AFC will entertain an LDR because it was based on a previous acceptance of intimacy and being no longer convenient (due to distance) the guy will cling to the "relationship" because it's a buffer against potential rejection from new women instead of accepting the relationship as being finished and maturely re-entering the dating pool. It a perceived "sure thing", even if only rarely rewarding.
Playing Friends - Usually after an LJBF rejection where the perception is the potential love interest "might" later become an intimate with time and qualification. No matter how misguided, the time and effort spent by an AFC in proving himself as the "perfect boyfriend" is a buffer against further rejection by new potential females, which is then further compounded by a moralistic sense of duty to be a Friend to his LJBF girl. In essence, his buffer against further rejection is his misplaced dedication to the LJBF girl. Another variation of this is the Cap'n-Save-A-Ho dynamic.
Emails, IMs and TXTs - I should also add lengthy phone conversations to this list as well, but really any technology that seemingly increases comunication serves as a buffer (for both genders) the more it limits interpersonal communication. In the AFC case, the rationalization is that it keeps him in constant contact with his sex interest (which in and of itself is a mistake), but only serves as a buffer against her rejection. The latent peception being that it's easier to read a rejection (or hear one) than to potentially be rejected in person.
MySpace & Online Dating - This one should be fairly obvious for the same reasons as above - Online dating is perhaps the best buffer ever conceived. In fact it's so effective that businesses can be built upon the common insecurities and fear of rejection of both sexes.
Objectification of Gender - This might be less obvious, but both sexes tend to objectify the other. Naturally when think of this, the popularized notion is that men objectify women as sex objects, but women have a tendency to objectify men as "success objects" for the same reason. It is easier to accept rejection from an object than it is to take it from a living, breathing, human being. This is why we refer to intergender communication as a "game." We "score" or we get "shot down"; the buffer is in the language and mental approach.
Idealization of Gender - This is the myth of the "Quality Woman." The buffer operates in perceived self-limitations based on a search for an ideal mate. Thus a tendency to fixate on one woman (ONEitis) or one type of woman (a gender Archetype) develops. By limiting to, and/or fixating on one woman (or type) the potential for rejection decreases, while insuring that any real rejection will come only from non-qualified women. Rejection = Low Quality Woman and is thus disqualified. This works in a similar fashon to the objectification buffer in that the woman delivering the rejection is reduced to an object.
Scarcity Mentality - The "Take What I Can Get" acts as a buffer in that it works opposite of the Idealization buffer. Deprivation is motivation and by sticking with the "sure thing" (regardless of personal consequence) the potential for new rejection is eliminated.
Older Women, Younger Women - I should also include certain body types in this category as well, but the buffer is in certain types of women being less likely to reject a man due to their personal circumstances. The Older Woman thread has been done into irrelevancy on this forum, but the buffer is that older women, acting in accordance with their conditions, will be more inclined to accept the advances of younger men. In the same vein, very young girls will be more apt to accept the advances of older men due to naiveté and fat women are easier to become intimate with due to sexual deprivation. This isn't rocket science, but an internalized preference for particular women develop with an association with the minimization for potential rejection.
