Bros Before Ho's - Always?

[Ninja Dude]

I have a close friend who I've known for years. He hooked up with another good friend of mine. Haven't known her as long but she is down with my inner circle and we talk all the time. Total sweetheart and I was happy when they hooked up because dude used to be a magnet for psychos.

Long story short: My boy, who just turned 36 and is usually true blue has decided to go through his wild phase now that he's in this relationship. He's cheated on her with at least 5 other girls, 2 of them are on his regular plate rotation and he is constantly seeking new candidates. I wont lie, a big part of me is proud because this guy used to be a coward with women and now he's getting crazy ass, so good for him and all that.

At the same time this puts me in an uncomfortable position. I have to listen to this chick talk about how lucky she is to find someone faithful, how most guys are dogs and my boy is The One. There is even talk of marriage/kids - it's all a bit much for me and as a result I have been distancing myself from her (and feeling like a real ****ty friend on her behalf)

I have talked to him about it at length and he just laughs it off. He sees her as wifey material but definitely plans to keep side plates going the whole time. He tells me not to judge him, and I try not to, but really this sort of shakes the foundation of our friendship because I see that we do not have the same morals/values and to be 100% honest its hard to respect him when he's a full-time liar/cheater.

Bros before ho's has always been my motto - but what happens when its not a ho in the equation, but a faithful woman who also happens to be a dear friend? What if the Bro turns out to be the Ho? I'm torn :/

 

[3countriesPlan]

The answer: Bros before hos.

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

In this case perhaps, but only a fool would put 'bros before hoes' in any other situation.

Always you before bros before hoes.

 

[Die Hard]

Difficult situation... You basically have to choose between the two of them. If you let the girl know what he's doing (no matter if it's explicitly telling her or implicitly putting her onto the thought), you'll have betrayed your friend. But if you let things be, you're passively complicit to the injustice he's doing to her.

There's not really anything in between. You have to choose between two evils.

 

[romangod]

Bros before ho's has always been my motto - but what happens when its not a ho in the equation, but a faithful woman who also happens to be a dear friend? What if the Bro turns out to be the Ho? I'm torn :/

You're in a tough predicament. It's probably best to distance yourself morally and emotionally from their relationship. She's a grown up woman and will have to open up her eyes and find out the truth on her own.

If she's that naive about him then maybe she'll have to learn the hard way. Best not get involved. It can only turn out bad for you.

Cheers!

 

[Ninja Dude]

You said it Die Hard. There is no easy or comfortable way out of this. Normally I'd opt for Bros as its usually a no-brainer. But this chick has been a good friend to me. In some ways better then homeboy - she's always gone out of her way to help me (or anyone in our cypher - that's how nice she is)

Argh..

Another mutual friend of ours finds himself in the same predicament and said he wants to send her an anonymous email telling her the truth. I'm not so sure it will work because she is very much under his spell and I know he will just deny it.

I need to marinate on this a bit more. The feedback is appreciated though

 

[Ninja Dude]

You're in a tough predicament. It's probably best to distance yourself morally and emotionally from their relationship. She's a grown up woman and will have to open up her eyes and find out the truth on her own.

If she's that naive about him then maybe she'll have to learn the hard way. Best not get involved. It can only turn out bad for you.

Thanks romangod - this is honestly the direction I see myself going, though part of me feels its a coward's way out. If it was me in her shoes I'd feel betrayed not only by him, but everyone who kept his dirty secret. To her credit he is a very good actor, and as stated he has a long track record of being purely monogamous so she really has no clue.

They just moved in together so it is my secret hope that some of that facade starts to crumble. In the meantime I see myself becoming very "busy" until I can really process all this, or the other shoe drops - whichever comes first

 

[JimmyMack]

I think you already did the right thing: You talked to your guy friend and told him he should fess up and he chooses not to - that's all you can do in this situation IMO.

It does put you in a hard spot, however you did stick up for the girl by mentioning to your friend that you didn't approve, but you're still honoring your boy by keeping his behavior private. I wouldn't rat him out or send an anonymous email - that seems to be more of a breech of trust than not telling her what you know. At the end of the day, it's their business and if the girl gets mad at you for not coming clean to her she'll eventually come around and realize the position you were in.

That being said, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't hesitate to expose the **** out of the girl haha. So, I guess yeah, bro's first.

 

[SecondHalf]

I wouldn't judge a Bro for spinning plates.
I do judge a Bro for spinning plates when potential children are involved.
I also judge a Bro for putting you into this predicament!!!

You've given him your opinion - good.

You now have to tell him that he's put you in this position and you'd prefer that he just not talk to you about other women beyond your mutual friend.

He shouldn't have in the first place. He's implicated you in his low moral standards.

Also, you cannot EVER say anything to the woman as you'll lose both friends.

SH

 

[scrouds]

A man cheating on a woman is natural. You need to get over your problem with cheating and be happy for both of them, since they are both getting what they want.

 

[Ninja Dude]

A man cheating on a woman is natural. You need to get over your problem with cheating and be happy for both of them, since they are both getting what they want.

Dunno about that. I agree that monogamy is not for everyone, but if you are going to play the field at least be man enough to stand behind your actions instead of operating in the shadows. Lying is a sign of weakness in my book - why should a man have to make excuses or invent stories to placate a female? Either she is down for the cause or she aint. Plus, it's just hypocritical to expect someone to be faithful (and mother your children) when you are dropping multiple loads in other b-tches. That's just me though.

 

[Lexington]

Just stay out of it. Don't take sides. The cheating will come out. If you rat your buddy out, he will resent you. The girl maybe mad at you for not reporting the guy, bit she'll be a lot madder with the guy. Let things run their natural course. There is no reason for you to get involved.

 

[romangod]

Thanks romangod - this is honestly the direction I see myself going, though part of me feels its a coward's way out.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

I see nothing cowardly about minding one's own business and letting karma and destiny be their judge. They chose each other. There's a reason for it. Let the chips fall where they may. It has nothing to do with you.


Cheers!

 

[LovingYou]

Work to get yor shi# together not ohers.
Friends are **** which really matters, fu** bit*hes... There will be more and more every day, every turn you'll make. But friends are unique and it's hard to find another.
He choosed his lifestyle and morality how to live, thats what matters. Don't judge other by yourself and your morality.

 

[scrouds]

Dunno about that. I agree that monogamy is not for everyone, but if you are going to play the field at least be man enough to stand behind your actions instead of operating in the shadows. Lying is a sign of weakness in my book - why should a man have to make excuses or invent stories to placate a female? Either she is down for the cause or she aint. Plus, it's just hypocritical to expect someone to be faithful (and mother your children) when you are dropping multiple loads in other b-tches. That's just me though.

That's just a moral position you're trying to impose on your friends.

As for being a hypocrit, I've come to terms with the fact that my positions are hypocritical. I want my cake and I want to eat it all as well. I'm okay with being the "do as I say, not as I do" hypocrit.

If you want to truly serve your own interests in the best way possible, you may want to strive to remove this artifical moral restrictions that you place on yourself.

Human nature and the way men and women are made up support this. A man can act the family man, be a devoted and loving mate and father while banging chicks on the side. Women cannot do that, they will catch emotions and destroy their family. Put away the proto-feminist notions of "fairness" that define your sense of hypocracy and embrace our innate gender differences.

I'm not here to stir the emotions of the people here; think what you will of me. I want people to think about this. Morality is an abstract construct. How you construct it, and whether you obey the ethics* or just give it lip service, or flaunt it altoghether is up to you.

*(Ethics I define as a society's normalized morality. In relationships as anything ethics is fluid and changing. Cheating is still "bad", but premarital sex isn't. Bastard kids aren't either.)

 

[Ninja Dude]

I don't see the feminist indoctrination in treating people how you'd like to be treated but that's a whole different issue. My philosophy is more pragmatic than anything because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't have the energy to maintain a web of lies. Why should I have to lead a girl on when most are perfectly fine with an open relationship? Sure plenty of them catch feelings, but they know what they are getting into.

Point is, it's weak sauce having to lie for p-ssy. It's not just an integrity issue, but one of efficiency. I attract a lot more women now that I honestly dont give a sh-t what they think of my lifestyle. Therefore I have no need to "cheat" or do my dirty business in the shadows. Such behavior implies shame and that has no place in my game.

As far as imposing my own standards - isn't that a perfectly legitimate filter that we use to decide which people (friends or lovers) are compatible? How else do you decide which of them to keep close?

 

[Delly2000]

That is a dilema.

Just don't get involved.

 

[Demodulate]

even if you take the high road and clue the "friend" in to her unfaithful dream guy.. she may not believe you.. then you have burned all your bridges..

just tell the dude how you feel and cut them both out..

 

[FairShake]

If they are both good friends fvck this bro code sh!t. Try human code.

I'm sure you'd want the same from either of them if the shoe was on your foot.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Ninja -- this isn't an easy situation, I feel for you. You want to do right by your friends (both of them). He has probably been monogamous before and been douched -- he's trying something new and it's working (she's crazy about him). But he is appearing lowly to you (I do not value cheating myself...this is a real deal breaker for me). A brother of mine gave me some story not long about about nearly banging some hb9 at an upscale party where he serves...this was 3 days after he threw a surprise birthday party for his GF...when I heard he was about to bang some stranger in the bathroom albeit throw his GF expensive parties...I said: "Man just don't tell me about this sh!t. Next time you want to tell me some story about cheating on your gf, just keep it to yourself. Breakup with her if you don't like her."

Your bro, albeit now macking his game, is making serious errors here in his choice of female. He has selected from his inner circle, and is informing those within the circle of his blatant cheating (you). That's sloppy just right there.

I definitely don't agree that men are inherently cheaters...that's a load of BS...yes men are likely more promiscuous...but even a recent study my own mother showed me that was in the paper noted females being predominant cheaters in relationships more and more...(and who the hell knows where this data really comes from and who admits to what)...many men on this forum are AFCs who wouldn't cheat even if an HB10 was sticking her tits right in their face...not all men are cheaters and we must just "deal" with these gender differences...instead all people have a variety of values and ethics that are unique to them and their experiences...telling someone to "get over" loyalty is like telling someone "get over killing that old dude, it's just social convention telling you it's wrong"...well, in the largest spectrum right or wrong is probably irrelevant...but it's still "fvcked up"...lying to this chick is definitely not a testament to this guy's character...

Here's what you do: you tell him to knock off the cheating or you'll let her know -- because she's been a good friend to you. If he declines, THEN, you explain to her what's going down and scoop up this honest faithful girl for yourself...

or, stay out of it and watch from the sidelines...*I do know if I was her I'd want to know*...she's wasting time and it's just going to hurt more. Fvck cheating all around, I don't care male/female/whatever -- being honest about not being exclusive is one thing and lets a person decide what they're getting into...she's just being blatantly lied to on a daily consistent basis...that sucks.