Broke a MAJOR rule...how do I recover?

[foreverace87]

All of this has gone in a direction I never expected…

1)My Stats: 26 years old, never married, no kids, good job, excellent shape,

2)Her Stats: 30 years old, divorced, two kids (wait..don’t stop reading here), ok profession.. really nice body

3)I was running online game and sarging at the same time, found her online eight months ago, I met her..liked her a lot and I never thought much of it. Then she started seeing me regularly. The sex was mindblowing and she definitely was extremely into me so I didn’t hold back. One day I was driving back from work and I realized the hell I was doing. There was a chance of her and myself to get emotional, the fact that she had kids, and this could become a major dilemma in the future. I even decided to not to spend the nights at her place, always left after being intimate which bugged the hell out of her. Lo and behold she became emotional over time and went out of her way to treat me like a king: cooking, buying me things, driving over an hour to see me. She even stopped drinking because she knew I didn’t care much for it. She started working out for me, buying new clothes for herself, always doing whatever she could to please me. She showered me with attention, gifts, sex, food etc. The biggest thing that impressed me was that she was extremely TRUSTWORTHY and she worked hard to earn my trust. Then came my worse fear, even though I kept telling myself I wasn’t being emotional, deep inside I knew I had a thing for this girl. I was digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself.

4) Then FINALLY, I received a new assignment to a new location at work. I had realized this was the best time to break it off if I was going to do it because there was no way in hell I was going to be able to keep up with a long distance relationship. That backfired, we got CLOSER. She decided that she was going to fly to see me and do whatever she could to keep this relationship alive. She would fly to come see me every month and talk to me everyday on the phone which she DID. I was shocked. Meanwhile, she changed her phone number, lost a lot of girlfriends because all her focus was on me. She even stopped going out on the weekends and spent most of her time skyping with me. I maintained my relationships with my friends, went out regularly, worked out etc.

5) Now, she has planned to move up here with me and would like me to accept her kids and a long term commitment. Men….with full due respect….I cannot bring myself to be a father to someone else’s kids…they have a father...and I truly deserve my own family (yea sounds selfish). She is adamant about it and said that I am being selfish and don’t love her enough. They need their own father and I cant commit to a relationship and be a father figure to kids that are over 7 years old now. Yes, I understand I cannot expect her to leave her kids but at the same time I cant take on the role of their father.

6) There are two choices here…a)I could end this but this will devastate her and upset me. Breaking a woman's heart that has proved unconditional love for me just doesnt feel right. I will be the biggest douchebag on the earth. This however will be good for the kid’s future because they will stay with their father but in the end I will sacrifice my relationship. b) I could keep going and expect to be a father to her kids plus my own in the future. I just cannot bring myself to doing that…even at the cost of my life. I want my own kids.

7) I am open to any ideas, criticism, advice…take a shot at it guys. I have created a critical situation for myself and am in Emergency Crisis mode right now. Let this thread be a lesson to all the men out there that ever consider dating a lady with kids.

 

[Uncharted]

5) Now, she has planned to move up here with me and would like me to accept her kids and a long term commitment. Men….with full due respect….I cannot bring myself to be a father to someone else’s kids…they have a father...and I truly deserve my own family (yea sounds selfish). She is adamant about it and said that I am being selfish and don’t love her enough. They need their own father and I cant commit to a relationship and be a father figure to kids that are over 7 years old now. Yes, I understand I cannot expect her to leave her kids but at the same time I cant take on the role of their father.

I stopped reading here, because you clearly stated what you want. Are you asking us if this is acceptable? Of course it is. Do what you want. It's your life.

 

[VladPatton]

Option A.

Because: You'll get over it, she'll get over it, and the kids will be none the wiser. You know what'll happen when you tell her little animals to stop punching the waiter in the nuts at IHOP on a Sunday morning? Something to the tune of them showing you the finger and saying:

"you're not my REAL father!"

Ultimately up to you, but your gut has spoken.

 

[expos]

What caused her divorce? What happened to the father and where does he live? Does he pay support? Is she on good terms with him?

A lot of factors at play here. If the situation is particularly weak in one area, this increases tenfold if you decide to marry this woman.

I've found that dating single mothers to be sort of deal breaker – unless the kid is 18 and out of the house and has his own life going on. It is not your responsibility to raise children that are not yours. That’s why it’s always best to be in a long term relationship with single mothers…but never marrying them and assuming the legal position of “father”.

Women who date single fathers have it A LOT EASIER. They get to see a preview of what type of dad he's going to be her kids...AND...she gets financial security at the same time. It's a win-win situation!

But women who date single fathers should also realize they will never be the mother of that child and know their role. She has no say in the parenting, period.

I know a situation where a woman married a single father and he did not have physical custody of the child because he lives 300 miles away, did not pay child support (the ex-girlfriend just wanted him to send a check well below what the state required him to pay every month), and he visited the kid a few times per year and he called him every night. It was unique and an awesome deal, but it works and everyone seems to be happy, including the kid. The couple has no kids of their own, yet.

Anyways, you’ve made it clear that this a concern to you, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here. If you are only 26, you have plenty of time to find a younger single woman with no children and start over.

 

[foreverace87]

What caused her divorce? What happened to the father and where does he live? Does he pay support? Is she on good terms with him?

A lot of factors at play here. If the situation is particularly weak in one area, this increases tenfold if you decide to marry this woman.

I've found that dating single mothers to be sort of deal breaker – unless the kid is 18 and out of the house and has his own life going on. It is not your responsibility to raise children that are not yours. That’s why it’s always best to be in a long term relationship with single mothers…but never marrying them and assuming the legal position of “father”.

Women who date single fathers have it A LOT EASIER. They get to see a preview of what type of dad he's going to be her kids...AND...she gets financial security at the same time. It's a win-win situation!

But women who date single fathers should also realize they will never be the mother of that child and know their role. She has no say in the parenting, period.

I know a situation where a woman married a single father and he did not have physical custody of the child because he lives 300 miles away, did not pay child support (the ex-girlfriend just wanted him to send a check well below what the state required him to pay every month), and he visited the kid a few times per year and he called him every night. It was unique and an awesome deal, but it works and everyone seems to be happy, including the kid. The couple has no kids of their own, yet.

Anyways, you’ve made it clear that this a concern to you, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here. If you are only 26, you have plenty of time to find a younger single woman with no children and start over.

Expos,

What caused her divorce?
- She was twenty when she had first kid. Her husband was mistreating her and neglected her. She tried hard to make it work but he left her no options, it almost got to the point where she couldnt survive so she had to let him go. She asked for the divorce and he filed for it

What happened to the father and where does he live? Does he pay support? Is she on good terms with him?

- The father lives in the same city as she does right now. They have an agreement where he pays less then what he is suppose to pay. Now that he has figured out that she is trying to move, he doesnt want to pay anything. They may go to court to fight it out, but i dont want to be the cause or be in the middle of it. So yea...they are NOT on good terms. The guy is money hungry and will not pay.

 

[5string]

Here is your answer OP

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=178965

 

[expos]

So yea...they are NOT on good terms.

It's not going to get any better...so you need to RUN THE OTHER WAY.

Like I stated earlier, the mother and father need to be on excellent terms before and after another party is involved...almost like friends.

The situation I talked about above with the single dad is rare, but it works because everyone gets along pretty well. Plus, the single dad in that story makes $70K give or take so their isn't much financial stress.

 

[Jair213]

Sometimes it does work out though.

One of my cousins married a single mother. She had the kid when she was 20 things didnt work out for her. A year later she met my cousin, 2 years later they got married. Now they've being happily married for 13 years, the kid loves him, and she's is real good to him. Has a better job than him.

I think sometimes it all depends on the situation but I wouldn't take any risks.

 

[foreverace87]

Here is your answer OP

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=178965

This post has left me speechless. All I can say is Wow...

 

[5string]

This post has left me speechless. All I can say is Wow...

Well, as I said, I messed up.

The whole point is, why get with a single mommy when there plenty of gals out there who don't have that kind of baggage?

Don't do what I did.

 

[Kailex]

ABORT! EJECT! RUN!

Because all those things that she does for you and you say is "unconditional love"... guess what is going to happen as soon as you start playing HOUSE with her? That's ALL GONE.

As soon as she says "GOTCHA", you are going to lose out on all that. She's already shaming you into being a stepfather. Stand your ground and realize you don't want to be someone else's #2. Because guess what, that's what you are going to be to the kids.

This relationship has run its course. Now that you have moved, stay that way and tell her to stay where she is. If she doesn't want to accept that arrangement... then she can go find another stepfather for her children.

But you NEED to get out of this situation, YESTERDAY.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Breaking a woman's heart that has proved unconditional love for me just doesnt feel right.

No offence, but you sound very naive. Her love for you is most definitely not unconditional. In fact, there is no such thing as unconditional love when it comes to women. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you have no interest in moving in with her and being a daddy to her kids, and watch that "unconditional love" vanish into thin air. The only woman who will ever love you unconditionally is [possibly] your mother. All others will only love you as long as they can derive some kind of benefit from associating with you.

You need to snap out of your melancholic state, grow some balls and tell her that you're breaking up with her. And you need to do it as soon as possible.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

DUDE why a 30yr old broad!?! You should be pulling early 20's @ 26, god damn sam!

You know what you need to do, just get it over with and END it!

Don't do what I did! I helped raised a kid from 2-10, he called me Dad.

 

[expos]

In fact, there is no such thing as unconditional love when it comes to women.

This. Remember that you are not special to this woman and change your opinion of her. Don't be upset about this. There would come a day where she'd make you pretty miserable and you'd be sitting there wondering what the fvck you get yourself into. Especially if you married her.

Remember that she won't express unconditional love to her next boyfriend either, no matter if he's better looking, makes more money, and even treats her better.

The hotter the chick, the less they care about others. This isn't a coincidence...it's a fact. Pound this into your skull.

 

[Checkmate12]

Im gonna have to come at this from another angle. Everyone is saying bail out and leave her, etc. etc. I think some of the guys on here are so caught up in "game" that the situation is analyzed in a very unfair manner. No amount of stats, nor threads describing your situation will warrant you advice any better than your own instincts and desires. YOU know your situation, YOU know the depths of your relationship with this woman.

But my experience is this: My stepdad came into the picture when I was a young kid and took me and my mom in. A couple years later they had my sister. Yeah there were tensions between my stepdad and I when I was younger, but who knows where my mom (who was 22 at the time) and I would be had it not been for that man. I can guarantee I wouldn't have gotten a college education. He could've taken the selfish route and found another woman who didn't have a kid, but he loved my mom. Hope one day I can be half the man he didn't have to be.

Also, they are still very happily married 20 some odd years later.

But its your life bro, do what you will.

 

[Checkmate12]

The hotter the chick, the less they care about others. This isn't a coincidence...it's a fact. Pound this into your skull.

Please do not pound this garbage into your skull. Ever. Incredibly dumb.

 

[Bokanovsky]

But my experience is this: My stepdad came into the picture when I was a young kid and took me and my mom in. A couple years later they had my sister. Yeah there were tensions between my stepdad and I when I was younger, but who knows where my mom (who was 22 at the time) and I would be had it not been for that man.

Exactly. Your mom and you were the beneficiaries. But what about your step dad? Would he not have been better off marrying a woman who had no kids from a previous relationship? Chances are, he would have had a happier life had he made that decision.

 

[fuzzball]

first things first. no guy nor girl is perfect. so with that said anyone anybody ever marries or LTR with is going to have some kind of baggage. the question is how much baggage and can you deal with the trade off. do the pros outweigh the cons.

judging by your opening post it seems the pros do outweigh the cons.

its not her fault she is a single mom(well maybe it is but you have said it is because the father is a dirtbag so ill believe that to be true). since it isnt her fault it also isnt fair to completely say no to her just because of that.

also while it is true step parents have a hard time fitting in that does not mean its impossible. plenty of step parents can succeed. also there was a time where dating single mothers wasnt taboo. other successful men took on the burden of single mothers because it was the right thing to do so i think saying no to a girl just because of that is silly.

then we have the fact youve described her as an extremely loyal person and even a person you are quite fond of and i am guessing do love. it really sounds like you found a good girl that yes screwed up(like you're perfect buddy) and is willing to do you right. if that is the case you'd be a damn fool to let her go.

i say make it work if shes as loyal and committed to you as you say. and yes she will probably be more than willing to give you a child or two of your own.

also contrary to what people here say 26 is not to young to get married either.

granted you could screw yourself over(i mean it is marriage and we all know the state that is in these days) but that is a completely indepedent situation.

the questions you need to ask before you marry someone are

1. Can you keep it all together?
2. Do you think she is likely to cheat on you?
3. Do you want to get married now or later?

if the answers are Yes, No, and Yes.....and you think shes as committed as you describe her the answer is clear. let her be the mother of your children.

Im gonna have to come at this from another angle. Everyone is saying bail out and leave her, etc. etc. I think some of the guys on here are so caught up in "game" that the situation is analyzed in a very unfair manner. No amount of stats, nor threads describing your situation will warrant you advice any better than your own instincts and desires. YOU know your situation, YOU know the depths of your relationship with this woman.

But my experience is this: My stepdad came into the picture when I was a young kid and took me and my mom in. A couple years later they had my sister. Yeah there were tensions between my stepdad and I when I was younger, but who knows where my mom (who was 22 at the time) and I would be had it not been for that man. I can guarantee I wouldn't have gotten a college education. He could've taken the selfish route and found another woman who didn't have a kid, but he loved my mom. Hope one day I can be half the man he didn't have to be.

Also, they are still very happily married 20 some odd years later.

But its your life bro, do what you will.

this really. i think far too many people are caught up in the game on this site. look the final outcome of "game" is to father children with a girl. thats the full cycle. thats the end deal. life isnt perfect and sometimes the mother of your kids had a previous fling out of human stupidity and has wised up. maybe she didnt maybe she did. but kudos on your old man for not chickening out.

i think far too many people on this site use the tools here to bang a new chick every day and have no intention of ever settling down which is again only playing half of the game.

p.s.

it is ya know ok to love to a girl and have feelings people....it really is. Im not sure how "don't shower her with attention every 2 seconds" translated into "don't fall in love ever" but those two things are not the same. just because you love someone doesnt mean you shower them with attention. I love some friends, i love some family members but that doesnt mean i give them all my attention every second of the day. and i do believe the nice guy syndrome meant you gave some girl attention every second of the day and were a yes man.

so really its ok to love and have feelings for a girl. Im not sure how having feelings dug yourself a hole it just means you are *gasp* human.

 

[JoeMarron]

Ask yourself these questions. Is she irreplaceable? Are you incapable of finding another woman like her but without kids? Is being with her worth raising another man's children? It seems like you already answered the last question. If you can't do it then don't. Who gives a fvck how devastated she'll be if you break it off. Your feelings and your life comes first. Like others have said her love is anything but unconditional. She's working so hard to keep you because she really wants a stable father for her children. The only way you can see her true character is if you give her what she wants. Only you can decide whether she's worth the risk.

 

[The_411]

It's a difficult situation. However, the OP made it abundantly clear he knows he's not interested in being a surrogate father not to mention the fact that he's 26. At 26 you should be chasing nubile 18-21 year olds not shacking up with a 30 year old single mother.