Harry Wilmington
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2012
- Messages
- 1,201
- Reaction score
- 204
Hey all:
In making the transition from AFC to... well, not Alpha male per se, but from becoming a guy who stops letting people screw him over - there are certain incidents that will happen where you realize you've been a nice guy for too long, and it's time to fight back.
In many cases, these are incidents where you may have finally said "screw it" and decided to be an @$$hole to see (a) how it would feel, and (b) what a girl's reaction to it would be. And, while you may not have wanted to be seen in that way initially, you later realize it was a necessary incident that needed to happen so you could finally see that it was okay to not always play the "nice guy" role - that it was okay to stand up for yourself, or just do something without caring about how the other person felt about it.
My incident occurred back in May of 2003. A girl I was friends with in college (in Virginia) had transferred back to her home state of New Jersey to continue her education, yet I would still visit her when I'd visit my uncle in Pennsylvania. In April, I hit her up to see if she'd want to come to my uncle's house in May for a memorial day barbeque, to which she replied "Yes, sure, absolutely!"
Fast-forward to memorial day: I told my uncle and aunt she wanted to come, and they went out of their way to make a bunch of extra food so they could feed me, my two cousins and her. At 2 PM I got a call from her asking if we were still having the barbeque; I told her "yes" and she said "Oh, okay, I'm on my way, should be there in about an hour."
Fast-forward to 3 hours later... and she still hadn't shown up. Nor had she called to tell us what was happening.
Finally, I called her up, and she picked up. "Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make it... I got lost coming to the house, and I stopped at a gas station to ask for directions... Oh man, I really wanted to come, I was like halfway there, but I just turned around and went home..." Being the AFC that I was at the time, I accepted this story as fact, told her to get home safe and hung up.
Then I went to talk to my uncle... and then he pointed out a few things to me. Like, for one: if she was lost, why not call the people who's house you were going to and ask for directions. Second: she had been to the house before when I visited a few months earlier - why would she suddenly have a problem? Third: google maps was around at the time, how hard was it to just print up directions? Forth: What would have happened if I hadn't called? Had she planned to call me at all, or just leave me hanging? Fifth, why wouldn't she consider the fact that my relatives had bought all this extra food just to feed us? And sixth, if she really wanted to come over, she would have found a way to get herself to the house - a fact I realized later when another guest, who had been lost on the highway for 3 hours, still managed to show up at the house around 7 PM.
In short, my uncle pointed out: I had been stood up. And it didn't feel good at ALL.
So, what was I supposed to do? Well, my uncle sat me down, and said: "The only way people are going to be respectful of you and your time is if they know that you don't accept that kind of behavior. You can't just blow this incident off and let her think it was okay for her to do that." And he was right, I needed to do SOMETHING to get me out of this whole "Nice Guy" accepting of all girls' behavior routine.
When I was on the phone with her, she said it would be cool if we were to meet up the next day somewhere in Philly and do something before I drove back to Virginia. I told my uncle this and asked him what I should do. His response: "Well, I'd set up the meeting, make sure she gets to the agreed upon location... and then, instead of meeting up with her, drive back to Virginia and leave her hanging."
My first thought was: "Wow, that's an @$$hole thing to do." Then I thought back on how she hadn't given a thought about how her non-appearance at the barbeque would affect me or my family. Then I thought: "Yeah... that WOULD be an @$$hole thing to do, wouldn't it? Let's do it!"
And so, that's what I did. For the first time in my entire life, I was the one who flaked on a girl. I told her where to meet up, and as soon as she called me at 12:30 PM and said she was there, I turned off my cell phone, got on the freeway and drove home. When I got home 6 hours later, I turned my cell phone on and had a couple of messages from her asking where I was or if I was going to show up.
So, what was her reaction? She came down to VA a few months later to see one of my friends preach her first sermon, and she was still kinda salty about the whole thing, and wasn't trying to talk to me at first. I could've cared less. Later on, though, when we all went out to dinner, she started talking to me a little bit, and ended up laughing quite heartily at some joke I made. A few months after that she finally asked me what happened on that day; I told her, she tried to deny that she flaked on me, she apologized for doing it, and things went back to normal.
Ultimately, though, this incident allowed me to see that it was okay for me not to let girls just treat me anyway they like without knowing there'd be consequences for it. One small step for me, one giant leap out of my AFCish ways...
--
So, that's MY story, now I'd like to hear yours! What was the incident or thing you did that helped break you out of YOUR "Nice Guy" routine?
In making the transition from AFC to... well, not Alpha male per se, but from becoming a guy who stops letting people screw him over - there are certain incidents that will happen where you realize you've been a nice guy for too long, and it's time to fight back.
In many cases, these are incidents where you may have finally said "screw it" and decided to be an @$$hole to see (a) how it would feel, and (b) what a girl's reaction to it would be. And, while you may not have wanted to be seen in that way initially, you later realize it was a necessary incident that needed to happen so you could finally see that it was okay to not always play the "nice guy" role - that it was okay to stand up for yourself, or just do something without caring about how the other person felt about it.
My incident occurred back in May of 2003. A girl I was friends with in college (in Virginia) had transferred back to her home state of New Jersey to continue her education, yet I would still visit her when I'd visit my uncle in Pennsylvania. In April, I hit her up to see if she'd want to come to my uncle's house in May for a memorial day barbeque, to which she replied "Yes, sure, absolutely!"
Fast-forward to memorial day: I told my uncle and aunt she wanted to come, and they went out of their way to make a bunch of extra food so they could feed me, my two cousins and her. At 2 PM I got a call from her asking if we were still having the barbeque; I told her "yes" and she said "Oh, okay, I'm on my way, should be there in about an hour."
Fast-forward to 3 hours later... and she still hadn't shown up. Nor had she called to tell us what was happening.
Finally, I called her up, and she picked up. "Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make it... I got lost coming to the house, and I stopped at a gas station to ask for directions... Oh man, I really wanted to come, I was like halfway there, but I just turned around and went home..." Being the AFC that I was at the time, I accepted this story as fact, told her to get home safe and hung up.
Then I went to talk to my uncle... and then he pointed out a few things to me. Like, for one: if she was lost, why not call the people who's house you were going to and ask for directions. Second: she had been to the house before when I visited a few months earlier - why would she suddenly have a problem? Third: google maps was around at the time, how hard was it to just print up directions? Forth: What would have happened if I hadn't called? Had she planned to call me at all, or just leave me hanging? Fifth, why wouldn't she consider the fact that my relatives had bought all this extra food just to feed us? And sixth, if she really wanted to come over, she would have found a way to get herself to the house - a fact I realized later when another guest, who had been lost on the highway for 3 hours, still managed to show up at the house around 7 PM.
In short, my uncle pointed out: I had been stood up. And it didn't feel good at ALL.
So, what was I supposed to do? Well, my uncle sat me down, and said: "The only way people are going to be respectful of you and your time is if they know that you don't accept that kind of behavior. You can't just blow this incident off and let her think it was okay for her to do that." And he was right, I needed to do SOMETHING to get me out of this whole "Nice Guy" accepting of all girls' behavior routine.
When I was on the phone with her, she said it would be cool if we were to meet up the next day somewhere in Philly and do something before I drove back to Virginia. I told my uncle this and asked him what I should do. His response: "Well, I'd set up the meeting, make sure she gets to the agreed upon location... and then, instead of meeting up with her, drive back to Virginia and leave her hanging."
My first thought was: "Wow, that's an @$$hole thing to do." Then I thought back on how she hadn't given a thought about how her non-appearance at the barbeque would affect me or my family. Then I thought: "Yeah... that WOULD be an @$$hole thing to do, wouldn't it? Let's do it!"
And so, that's what I did. For the first time in my entire life, I was the one who flaked on a girl. I told her where to meet up, and as soon as she called me at 12:30 PM and said she was there, I turned off my cell phone, got on the freeway and drove home. When I got home 6 hours later, I turned my cell phone on and had a couple of messages from her asking where I was or if I was going to show up.
So, what was her reaction? She came down to VA a few months later to see one of my friends preach her first sermon, and she was still kinda salty about the whole thing, and wasn't trying to talk to me at first. I could've cared less. Later on, though, when we all went out to dinner, she started talking to me a little bit, and ended up laughing quite heartily at some joke I made. A few months after that she finally asked me what happened on that day; I told her, she tried to deny that she flaked on me, she apologized for doing it, and things went back to normal.
Ultimately, though, this incident allowed me to see that it was okay for me not to let girls just treat me anyway they like without knowing there'd be consequences for it. One small step for me, one giant leap out of my AFCish ways...
--
So, that's MY story, now I'd like to hear yours! What was the incident or thing you did that helped break you out of YOUR "Nice Guy" routine?
It showed me the world in a new light.
