Breaking The Pattern/Keeping Her For Good

[Drizzlegog]

So for starters, my mom's nuts. She has symptoms of borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. So I've always kind of been tuned to crazy women because I grew up in that environment and learned to put up with it.

Over the years I've fallen into a pattern I dread. Virtually all of my relationships last two years and follow the same routine:

-I make a really knock-out first impression. I'm able to make my voice sound really deep, and come off as charming, witty and intelligent.
-Roughly three months of non-stop amazing sex follow.
-She starts dwindling it down. My drive hasn't decreased at all, but we go from all day, to a few times a day, to daily, to a few times a week.
-Around here she starts not only rationing the sex but cutting out certain acts altogether. *******s most commonly, and definitely limiting where I can *** where before this was never an issue. Suddenly I'll taste different, or she'll have an allergic reaction, or it's just now bringing up bad memories, etc.
-Before long it's just sex once in a blue moon specifically when she's asked for it and specifically the ways she wants to do it doing only her favorite fetishes.
-I'm further bothered when I discover she still has the time, energy and interest to masturbate when I'm not there.
-Younger me would make a big stink at this point, we'd have arguments about which kinds of sex we each like, she'd claim I was "just using her for sex" and this would spiral things out of control rapidly. As I got older I'd just start fapping to porn again or in some cases start cheating. I learned desperation is never a good look.
-After this bickering starts. She'll start arguments over little things. Regardless of how I handle it this becomes the excuse for her to start becoming more distant.
-At right around the 2 year mark I catch her cheating usually. Occasionally she'll dump me before I catch her, but she was always cheating. As soon as I find out she was I lose all interest in her.
-Between a week and a month later she comes crawling back, the new guy apparently having dumped her aside, but by then I've moved on to a new girl and no longer have any attraction to her (I lose all attraction when I'm cheated on.)

I'm just about a year into a relationship now, and I'd like to keep it going. I'm hoping it can still be salvaged. I've spent the year believing she was different, but it's going down the same path. We've had a few small arguments, in all of which she's lost her temper and I haven't. Arguments about things like movies. Nothing important. She's cut me off from sex for one reason or another for over a week, usually stating she doesn't have time or energy after school or work -when these weren't problems in the past.

The other night she'd talked up these plans to have a big wild night with me. It was all her idea. I was all ready to go for it, and at the last minute she went bowling with her sister and her friends. She called me from the bowling alley, put her phone camera on, told them she was talking to her boyfriend, said she loved me, etc. It felt like either she was putting on a show or she felt bad about cutting me off. Night before last she did the same thing at work, calling me on her break and giving me a video tour of the place. Again she said she just missed me and wanted a chance to talk. I was only slightly worried until this morning.

She texted me from school some stuff about her fetishes. I'd seen this ad so I replied back to her "Look at this vibrator alarm clock, would that even work?" She got really upset for some reason and said "Why is everything always about sex with you? I'm not in the mood!" I just said "Okay baby." A couple minutes later she texted me "Sorry for snapping." I didn't reply. I let it go for about an hour. I finally replied but didn't acknowledge what she said and just brought up an unrelated topic. She added "Sorry for being a ***** earlier." I responded to that to tell her she wasn't a ***** and I wasn't upset with her.

In reality I've been depressed about it all day.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

For your Mom issues you can check with your work. EAP, I believe that's what my last company called it. If you have decent insurance you can talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist for cheap. You are not going find answers on this forum for these issues.


As for your gf it does sound like something is up. Woman love drama as you know so maybe she's just getting bored? Starting stupid arguments, flaking on you to go bowling? Did you actually make set plans for her to visit you that night...? Maybe lack of communication that night, she couldn't come over after bowling? Sounds like lack of comm.

I'm only a few yrs older than you and I can tell you 2yr RL's are actually loong in today's dating world. 1yr is the typical breaking point for me, if I go the route of ltr. If she's cutting sex completely out then something is definitely up. An occasional, I'm tired is fine but when they start using sex as a weapon then you need to take notice, make a mental note.

Always judge her actions over her words. As far as keeping her for good well that's not my expertise(with today's woman), in reality it's probably just your turn. The moment you think you've lost her you probably already have so don't start supplicating her.

 

[marmel75]

Instead of trying to hold on for dear life and excusing her behaviour you need to keep her on edge.

From what it looks like either one of two things is happening.

1) She is completely sure you will never leave her and that assuredness is extremely unattractive to a woman. Even if you feel that way she needs to always feel a little bit on edge that you could walk away if you really wanted to. From what it seems like that definitely is not the cases here. You are desperate for her to stay with you.

2) She has succeeded in changing you completely into what she wanted you to be. This means there is no challenge left for her and she has gotten bored. You can never let a woman completely change you into what she wants or you can expect to be dumped soon after.

 

[Drizzlegog]

So, massive update. I'm at my wit's end with this girl.

To put it bluntly, we'd gone three weeks without sex, or at least not much that I can recall if there was any. She seemed to have lost all interest in it. In fairness she was working a lot and dealing with school while also put on new depression meds which she refused to take on a timely schedule and so were making her more depressed and she was trying birth control methods that were dramatically ****ing with her hormones, so I don't want to rule out entirely that this could be the cause.

However, whatever the cause it lead her to ****test me hard and repeatedly in ways that caught me completely off-guard. She's begun to yell during disagreements on occasion. I don't react, but the point is she never previously raised her voice. She'll demand things and make every "if you love me" type argument to guilt me into it until I relent to quote "prove I'm not just using her" she did it in ways that caught me so off-guard I didn't realize it was a ****test until afterwards.

Two days ago everything fell apart. To sort of explain, I've been working a job that keeps me very busy. If I'm lucky I get 6 hours of sleep and I have no time for her. My first mistake was trying to reassure her by sending her lots of texts while I was at work. She actually stopped replying to some of them because quote "I don't know what to say." so I stopped that, but the job meant the only kind of "sex" we could have anyway was online, webcam stuff, which she used to enjoy. It's harder to initiate sex normally online, I can't just kiss or touch her, drains a lot of the romance out of it asking if she's willing to get out some toys or lingerie or whatever. So for three weeks she'd refuse sex every day and for three weeks I made no issue of it, but I'd still ask. When it went to strictly online this would take the form of. "So what are you doing?" "Nothing." "Well, wanna watch a movie? Maybe play a game? Fool around maybe?" which always got a no and I'd just drop it. I didn't make an issue of it, I'd just play it off like I didn't care.

Then two nights ago she acts really depressed, and I'm telling myself "If you go to sleep now you can wake up early enough to have a breakfast and go to work refreshed instead of rushing." but stupidly I prodded to find out what the problem was, and ended up staying up with her arguing for three hours. "I still feel like you're just using me for sex." "What? This again? We haven't had sex in like three weeks, don't you think I would have made an issue if that was all I cared about?" "But you still ask for it!" "So you don't like me asking for it?" "Not all the time!" "We spoke for like three hours today. I think I mentioned sex like twice." "But you still ask! EVERY DAY!" "Sex is important in a relationship-" "NO IT'S NOT! You don't need to have sex to have a relationship! It has nothing to do with it!" "Are you saying you don't want sex?" "No, I don't mean with me, I just mean in general it isn't important!" Idiotically I stayed up until midnight trying to reason with her through logic about why sex was important to relationships, making every analogy I could think of. She was suddenly taking this attitude towards sex like it was this dirty, clinical thing people with a disease did. She brought up for instance that prostitutes can have sex and it has nothing to do with love. I said the same could be said of kissing booths, but she'd earlier linked that with love. In hindsight I could have mentioned if what she was saying were true having sex with someone else wouldn't be cheating, and she shouldn't be upset if I have sex with a prostitute then.

I pointed out we were initially having sex like six times a day. That she bought a bunch of sex toys and lingerie. That when she buys lingerie and sends me nude pictures I assume she's doing this because she wants to have sex. She said she was just doing that "to try and gain your approval". In hindsight I could have asked why she didn't want it now. My fear was that either she was already cheating, or she was talking to some friend she's friendzoned who tried to convince her all I wanted was sex and I'd dump her if she didn't put out based on how negatively she was acting about it. So I asked her point blank if there was someone else and she flatly said no. After three hours I told her I really needed to sleep for work and we both went to sleep with the call on (one of her favorite things to do when I'm away.) About five minutes later she broke the silence to say "...You still love me, right?" and I half-asleep replied "...Yeah, of course." and went to sleep.

Realizing that was a test I'd failed and also fairly angry about the entire situation, I decided not to talk to her at all yesterday. She texted me late in the morning and said "Good morning." with an emoji that had no mouth. I saw the notification, but didn't read it. I decided my work would give me a valid pretext for ignoring her later. I was just starting in a new, more intensive area, so I figured when I contact her again I can just blame my absence on work. She seemingly hasn't attempted to contact me again since. I went through a second day no contact. My work lasts until Friday, then I won't have an excuse Saturday.

However, I'm thinking of contacting some girls I've slept with and am still on good terms with, both to relax my desperation and maybe give her some story to feel jealous about. Also while it's going to be murder with my schedule I'm going to a party I was invited to tomorrow right after work

When she tries contacting me again I'm going to try "mirroring" her but acting like I don't give a ****, and I won't bring up sex at all. The only reason I'm considering contacting her during the week is specifically so I can say "I don't have time to talk, I have to go to sleep. Bye." She's seriously driven me away. There's some part of me that wishes I could just link her to a ton of articles explaining why "withholding sex is a bad idea and always backfires." but trying to reason with women never works. She's made me feel so negative on women in general, it feels like such bull**** that I'm having to go through this stupid song and dance to try and maintain her interest. Imagine if your dog ran away if you consistently fed and pet it. Imagine if your friends got bored because you were always there for them. This feels so asinine, I stupidly thought she was smarter than this.

 

[JonnyD123]

Listen man, if you stop dating and courting your woman, she’s going to imprint this mentality that you are using her for sex. Women want to be romanced. So set dates, stay the f*ck off the phone, and let her do most of the initiating. This is not blue pill or beta, it’s just a fact of a LTR.

Continuining on...

The courtship never ends in a relationship. The same thing that attracted her to you, is the same thing that will keep her attracted to you.

Be the confident, decisive man you are.

Also, don’t be afraid to put her in her place every once in a while. If she feels she can walk all over you, she won’t respect you, and if she doesn’t respect you, it’s just a matter of time before she cheats.

A final thing, men who understand women don’t argue with them. It’s futile. There’s a common denominator here. It’s you.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Yeah sorry man but you lost me at "new depression meds". Seriously time to cut your losses and move the fück on. You will seriously regret it if you don't.

She's delusional if she truly thinks sex isn't important in an RL. Sexual desires are non-negotiable, so yeah logically explaining anything related. All woman hear is blah blah complain, whine. I hope you stick to your guns and start talking to other woman. Good luck.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I have to agree with @JonnyD123 here. You are the common denominator. The good news is you are self aware enough to see the pattern in your relationships and understand that something is going on. The question you are now asking is what exactly keeps happening?

There are several possibilities I can see based on the information you noted.

1. Are you continuing to make time of some sort for your girlfriend so she feels important to you and special in your life? You state you are extremely busy at work and you also note that you are using work as an excuse not to connect...this is an avoidant flavored behavior. If you are avoiding her or avoiding emotional connection the lights are going to go out in the relationship. It's only a matter of time.

2. Are you keeping up with your life outside the relationship and outside of your work? Are you hanging out with your buddies sometimes and/or do you have hobbies or activities you enjoy with or without her? While this may seem counter to item 1. above, it isn't. By keeping your own individuality in tact you can bring something home to your relationship. Something to chat about, something to be pleased about or proud of, etc. You cannot collapse your world to centering around her or your relationship with her. If you make the mistake of becoming completely centered around her and around "the relationship" you will suffocate it and she will lose attraction.

3. She seems to have completely disengaged sexually (obviously) which begs the question Why is that? If what she told you is really true, and she was only appeasing you during the infatuation phase of the relationship, then drop her and move on. If she isn't (and never was) sexually attracted to you...you cannot overcome that one. Sorry to be straight up blunt. In that case it will not work and you are best to eject now. IF on the other hand she had sexual attraction initially, then you have to think about why it went away.

Women need something different than men in the sexual aspect of a relationship. Women need emotional closeness, connection, and attention in the same way men need physical closeness, connection and attention. IF she was meeting your needs for physical closeness and sex but you were not meeting her needs for emotional closeness and connection (including through sex), over time she will come to see you as a selfish lover and will build resentment and start to avoid sexual contact with you. If I had to guess - this is where I'd put my money in both this relationship and in your general pattern of relationships.

There can also be the matter of being a less than skilled lover, aka bad in bed (which failing to establish emotional connection can contribute to), but good or great lovers are tough for women to find and women are not going to let go of a great lover easily. Look around on YouTube and see what constitutes a great lover. I particularly like Ester Perell in her material on why people cheat and how to maintain sexual desire. Think about whether or not your girlfriend has ever made suggestions about how you could please her in bed etc. The fact that she masturbates suggests its not that she lacks desire for sexual gratification, rather its that she doesn't want it from you...and that WILL lead to cheating behavior eventually.

Some of the guys here will scream and cringe when I say this next bit, but perhaps you would do with a good old fashioned point blank conversation. You need to know why she has unplugged sexually and you need to know whether or not you are meeting her needs. She obviously is failing to meet yours. If you have that conversation do NOT be reactionary. Learn from what she tells you. Seek to understand each other and be kind if the conversation gets difficult.

Whatever the issue at hand, the good news is you are taking a proactive stance and you are seeking solutions. You are going to have to take a hard look in the mirror on this one. Because your pattern suggests that even if this woman doesn't work out, your next relationship may follow the same script.

To get different results, you must do something different. I wish you all the best, -BE

 

[The Diver]

Sex is important in a relationship -" "NO IT'S NOT! You don't need to have sex to have a relationship! It has nothing to do with it!" "Are you saying you don't want sex?" ,,,,,,,, I just mean in general it isn't important!"

Didn't need to read past this ^^^ What a BS. Sex is SO important for health relationship. this relationship run its course !