Bpd ex, but have some issues myself

[SayWhat]

Hi all

In following of Infern0's thread about his bpd ex, I would like to share my story as well as I come to realize I might have some of these symptoms as well and would like to know how to cope with them.

I'll make the story short.

Married woman who is 13 years older as me and has 3 kids, we get to know each other, always saying how pretty I am, want a kiss on the cheek when we meet, refers to my mother as her mother in law (as a joke of course but things like this occurred all the time),... After 4-5 months we hook up saying things aren't going so good in her marriage. Every month she had this episode saying she can't do this to her husband, but the following day says she wants to continue and act like nothing happened. Breaks up with me and after a week already has a new toyboy. Craves constant attention from everyone around her, especially guys. Sex was amazing.

For my part of this story. At first I just did it for the sex, had moments where I wanted to call it ends, because I couldn't see a future with someone who has 3 kids, I want to do a lot in my life, the age difference didn't really matter for me. But I never could say it, I guess because I liked her attention and the sex. We broke up once for 4 days and wanted me back so I said yes (stupid I know but I didn't see it then). I also 'broke up' with her by not texting for a couple of days, but in the end I just initiated a conversation and all was good again.

I guess we are both broken, but I want to come out this as a much better man. What also bothers me is that I want to hurt her emotionally, I want her to see she threw something amazing away. I also have problems towards this new guy, I always think he's thinking he's better than me now, that he has amazing sex and I don't. And also towards my ex because she probably keeps thinking I'm still not over her (I'm not but I try not to show it) and sees me as a loser. Overall I have a problem with people who think they're better than someone else.

A lot of drama, but as I said, I want to become the best I ever will be, but I don't know where to start. I read the DjBible and other books and I see improvements in my mental health, but I feel I still have a long way to go and don't know how to proceed.

Thanks

 

[ChalengeGuyFan]

Spin other plates and you won't care, anymore.

Feminine women like her... lots of them.
Women who are great company... lots of them.
Women who would give you lots of attention... lots of them.
Women who you can have great sex with... lots of them.

Instead of spending energy trying to make her regret the separation, you could spend that energy meeting other women. You will soon find out that awesome women, younger or older than yourself, abound.

She is nothing special. Let it go.

 

[Willard]

You should probably feel sorry for the new guy, he has to deal with a BPD woman now. Never compare yourself to anybody. Falling for a BPD girl might mean your a little broken inside, that doesn't mean you can't be fixed.

I listened to Brian Tracy's "The Psychology of Achievement" audio book, that was my beginning of self improvement, it touches on your past issues from parental mistakes and goes on to having a bright future.

Look this woman is 13 years older and has 3 kids, there is not future in that, she really did do you a favor by dumping you.

 

[BrainDamage92]

http://gettinbetter.com/

Read the content on this site, not so much as to comfort you that your ex's issues were not imaginary, but emphasise on the parts which concern your own issues if you fall for this type.

Basically stop trying to please and fix people, none of the two really works. YOu cant fix a person, and, unless somebody WANTS your help, dont help. It doesnt work like that - its not nice, you do it for egoistical reasons couse it makes you feel better.

If any of this rings a bell, read the site, its written by a woman, and is the best place for you to visit I think.

But generally, if you accepted the fact she has major issues, you will be fine. Let some time pass, and understand what you need to change in yourself in order to attract healthier people :}

 

[expos]

Married woman who is 13 years older as me and has 3 kids

This is all I had to read. Be glad you got out.

Think hard about this. The only thing you really liked about her was having sex with her. You think if you guys had a non-sexual relationship it would be at all satisfying to you?

Finally, enough with the BPD stuff on this board. Unless they flat out tell you they are or you've met their shrink, then you don't really know. I just refer to them as trainwrecks or maybe "cluster-B's". Either way, most of us on this board know what you are referring to, and that's is just a bad woman.

Don't worry about the other guy. People like her go through tons of men, with each relationship having the same result.....FAILURE.

 

[Infern0]

The first thing you need to do if you come out of one of these situations is figure out if you are codependent. I was and it's why I put up with so much **** from a girl my male friends named "the anorexic abomination"

every guy she had been in a relationship with was a serious lose. All three had drug problems, one was aspergers, the other two were dirty boy racer types. I used to think "I'm way better than them she should be happy!"

I should have wondered why I was playing in that league. Codependency was why.

Figure that out and adress that.

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks guys

Dating other women would help, but I'm really shy and don't meet new girls. I work at a bar where mostly elder people visit and where at night there is not much to see.

All of my previous relations happened because the girl initiated.

I even can't act normal towards most of my friends because I'm afraid they wouldn't like me for who I really am.bevery action I do is done with the thought of how others would see me, it goes even as far as getting change for the customer, which basically is a basic action. Or how I lay in the couch when there is even no one around, how I hold my arms, how I stand,...

 

[Infern0]

Thanks guys

Dating other women would help, but I'm really shy and don't meet new girls. I work at a bar where mostly elder people visit and where at night there is not much to see.

All of my previous relations happened because the girl initiated.

I even can't act normal towards most of my friends because I'm afraid they wouldn't like me for who I really am.bevery action I do is done with the thought of how others would see me, it goes even as far as getting change for the customer, which basically is a basic action.

That's extreme and it's how I used to be. I had to basically start from scratch.

In my opinion the key to these things is to do a lot of self work. Go to the gym etc.

Other than that you just need to get out and start socialising.

Ironically "worrying what people think" holds a you back big time especially when it comes to women.

There's tons of other tips and info

 

[SayWhat]

I read some of the symptoms and perhaps I'm a bit codependent, but I was imagining if I would have ended whilst still having feelings for her. I think I would feel good, that I woudn't care so much, it is the ego hit I can't handle, that she turned me down, that others are better than me...

Ironically, as I said above, I have a huge ego but am so shy.

 

[Infern0]

It's never easy. I walked away from mine. Three weeks no contact and she texts me today. Last time I went NC on her she had an anxiety attack and went into hospital. That's why I broke.

There will be more attempts to contact me, within a week or so she will be either knocking on my door or coming into my work, perhaps one of her friends will call me telling me she's overdosed and why can't I just go and talk to her in the hospital.
Ego hit or massive guilt, who can say which is better.

At the end of the day all roads lead to failure with bpd.

The "best" scenarios I've ever heard of is some people have married their bpd and been with them for 10 years or so but their lives are hell, the sex dried up as soon as the ring went on the finger and she's down the road getting the DP by Tyrone and Jamal and big loads of jizz all over her face while the husband is at home hating himself for it all. Getting bled dry, raged at, told he's useless etc. Then dragged back with "please don't leave me "

There is NO happy ending with a bpd, as SOON as you care about them its OVER. all you can do is limit the damage

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks everyone for your responses

http://gettinbetter.com/

Read the content on this site, not so much as to comfort you that your ex's issues were not imaginary, but emphasise on the parts which concern your own issues if you fall for this type.

Basically stop trying to please and fix people, none of the two really works. YOu cant fix a person, and, unless somebody WANTS your help, dont help. It doesnt work like that - its not nice, you do it for egoistical reasons couse it makes you feel better.

If any of this rings a bell, read the site, its written by a woman, and is the best place for you to visit I think.

But generally, if you accepted the fact she has major issues, you will be fine. Let some time pass, and understand what you need to change in yourself in order to attract healthier people :}

Thanks for the link BrainDamage, I've come to realize I have borderline as well, probably due to the death of my father when I was 12. I contacted a psychologist to get through this.