Jeffst1980
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2008
- Messages
- 834
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I find that progress in cold approach pickup doesn't really occur on a linear model. Instead, it seems to come in leaps and bounds, punctuated by periods of no progress whatsoever. Often, major progress comes as a result of addressing major underlying issues.
As pickup has already gotten WAY too analytical, I thought I'd write a series of articles on what I consider to be the biggest sticking points. As much as subtle "tactics" like "false time constraints," "negs," etc. serve to REFINE your skill set, they really aren't an integral part of running solid game. Beginning students often focus on the wrong things and wind up with an ARSENAL of entertaining gimmicks yet no real game to speak of.
Here's the first and most basic bottleneck to solid game, and its remedy:
APPROACH ANXIETY
It's pretty much understood that Approach Anxiety is something that can only be managed; it never goes away altogether. The bad news is that you will ALWAYS have to push yourself to approach. The good news is that if you can find a reliable way to do so, you will eventually find a way to get girls. Seriously; it's next to impossible to do a ton of approaches and NOT get laid.
Most guys never sort out their approach anxiety and are forced to run "social circle game," which usually yields acceptable results. You certainly don't need to be able to do a cold approach pickup to get a girlfriend, or get married, etc. However, "social circle game" is a misnomer, because cold approach pickup IS "game." It is the only way you, as a man, can select girls for dating, instead of waiting for them to choose you.
The key to beating approach anxiety is to reframe it altogether. If you view every set as a means to an end, your outcome dependence is going to psych you out before you even begin. Instead, realize that approaching strangers is simply an INTERESTING thing to do, and that it would be weird, almost impolite, NOT to.
Indeed, the trick is to make NOT approaching feel more uncomfortable than approaching.
Sinn has a great reframe that states that there is no "rejection;" an interaction will either be "fun" (you like each other!) or "boring (you don't)." I think this is useful because it removes some of the "pick up" pressure that so many feel ("I HAVE to prove to everyone how much game I have! I've spent so much time on sosuave, I HAVE to be good by now!").
The other reframe I use is to acknowledge that, as someone with a fun and interesting personality, it would be rude NOT to approach. This goes directly against what most guys believe, which is that they would be BOTHERING a girl by approaching her. Ever caught a girl giving you multiple glances? Or standing right next to you for no reason? Or sitting by herself, bored? You are causing MUCH MORE discomfort by NOT approaching in these situations. Think of yourself as the host of the party that is your life: it is your job to see to it that everyone is having a good time.
This is also a time that it is REALLY handy to have a couple of "go to" routines ready, just so you have the confidence that you won't run out of things to say. Keep these basic; the easiest thing to do is to comment on something she's wearing and use it to make a very general cold read about her ("that necklace is interesting...you must be a creative type"). Really, calling a girl nearly any positive characteristic (independent, outgoing, open minded) will get a good response...and in the event that it doesn't, SHE is committing the social transgression, not YOU. Most girls, by and large, will be friendly towards you when you approach them, even if they aren't interested. Fear of the approach is, therefore, not grounded in reality.
It's also important that you go out with friends that are social. If your wingman has approach anxiety, you are FAR better off going out alone. When you go out alone, there is no "safety net;" you MUST approach strangers or be left feeling VERY uncomfortable. Unfortunately, going out alone is difficult for most.
If you are STILL having problems, despite various reframes, I would advocate only frequenting small venues at first. Striking up a conversation with strangers is more natural in these environments. Also, although I hate to advocate alcohol for ANYTHING pickup related, a few drinks WILL help with approach anxiety. Keep in mind that this is a crutch, though, and drinking will do nothing to fix underlying issues.
If you combine all this advice together (hitting small venues, going out with a social wingman, reframing non-approaches as "rude," preparing conversational material, and perhaps a drink or two), there's almost no way you WON'T approach, because you will simply create too much discomfort for everyone around you if you don't. This is what I've found to be the best cure for extreme approach anxiety. From there, it's just repetition; once you have a bunch of approaches under your belt, you'll be able to work past these nervous feelings much quicker.
As pickup has already gotten WAY too analytical, I thought I'd write a series of articles on what I consider to be the biggest sticking points. As much as subtle "tactics" like "false time constraints," "negs," etc. serve to REFINE your skill set, they really aren't an integral part of running solid game. Beginning students often focus on the wrong things and wind up with an ARSENAL of entertaining gimmicks yet no real game to speak of.
Here's the first and most basic bottleneck to solid game, and its remedy:
APPROACH ANXIETY
It's pretty much understood that Approach Anxiety is something that can only be managed; it never goes away altogether. The bad news is that you will ALWAYS have to push yourself to approach. The good news is that if you can find a reliable way to do so, you will eventually find a way to get girls. Seriously; it's next to impossible to do a ton of approaches and NOT get laid.
Most guys never sort out their approach anxiety and are forced to run "social circle game," which usually yields acceptable results. You certainly don't need to be able to do a cold approach pickup to get a girlfriend, or get married, etc. However, "social circle game" is a misnomer, because cold approach pickup IS "game." It is the only way you, as a man, can select girls for dating, instead of waiting for them to choose you.
The key to beating approach anxiety is to reframe it altogether. If you view every set as a means to an end, your outcome dependence is going to psych you out before you even begin. Instead, realize that approaching strangers is simply an INTERESTING thing to do, and that it would be weird, almost impolite, NOT to.
Indeed, the trick is to make NOT approaching feel more uncomfortable than approaching.
Sinn has a great reframe that states that there is no "rejection;" an interaction will either be "fun" (you like each other!) or "boring (you don't)." I think this is useful because it removes some of the "pick up" pressure that so many feel ("I HAVE to prove to everyone how much game I have! I've spent so much time on sosuave, I HAVE to be good by now!").
The other reframe I use is to acknowledge that, as someone with a fun and interesting personality, it would be rude NOT to approach. This goes directly against what most guys believe, which is that they would be BOTHERING a girl by approaching her. Ever caught a girl giving you multiple glances? Or standing right next to you for no reason? Or sitting by herself, bored? You are causing MUCH MORE discomfort by NOT approaching in these situations. Think of yourself as the host of the party that is your life: it is your job to see to it that everyone is having a good time.
This is also a time that it is REALLY handy to have a couple of "go to" routines ready, just so you have the confidence that you won't run out of things to say. Keep these basic; the easiest thing to do is to comment on something she's wearing and use it to make a very general cold read about her ("that necklace is interesting...you must be a creative type"). Really, calling a girl nearly any positive characteristic (independent, outgoing, open minded) will get a good response...and in the event that it doesn't, SHE is committing the social transgression, not YOU. Most girls, by and large, will be friendly towards you when you approach them, even if they aren't interested. Fear of the approach is, therefore, not grounded in reality.
It's also important that you go out with friends that are social. If your wingman has approach anxiety, you are FAR better off going out alone. When you go out alone, there is no "safety net;" you MUST approach strangers or be left feeling VERY uncomfortable. Unfortunately, going out alone is difficult for most.
If you are STILL having problems, despite various reframes, I would advocate only frequenting small venues at first. Striking up a conversation with strangers is more natural in these environments. Also, although I hate to advocate alcohol for ANYTHING pickup related, a few drinks WILL help with approach anxiety. Keep in mind that this is a crutch, though, and drinking will do nothing to fix underlying issues.
If you combine all this advice together (hitting small venues, going out with a social wingman, reframing non-approaches as "rude," preparing conversational material, and perhaps a drink or two), there's almost no way you WON'T approach, because you will simply create too much discomfort for everyone around you if you don't. This is what I've found to be the best cure for extreme approach anxiety. From there, it's just repetition; once you have a bunch of approaches under your belt, you'll be able to work past these nervous feelings much quicker.
