boll*cks failed to close.. again

[MrNiceGuy]

It seems at the moment this is the major problem I'm having with my game. While over the past few months I've certainly got better at approaching chicks and my overall confidence and level of comfort around them has improved significantly I'm still having trouble closing the deal.

Anyway, last night (saturday) me, my flatmate (single, but good with women) and another of my friends (in a LTR) went out, well the club was a bit of a washout, there was quite a few pretty women around but also alot of them had a major attitude problem, the girls I did end up talking to, well, either it was clear they weren't interested in me or.. they weren't interesting to me. So the 3 of us came back to my flat with no company. After a few minutes we can hear some guys and a girl arguing outside (our flat is in the town center so people pass it on their way home) the guys are arguing and this girl is pretty much trying to stay out of it, so my friend opens the window shouts out to this girl to ask her if shes ok, and invites her in. Obviously we all look quite trusting because (after some hesitation) she agrees to come in (the guys pay no notice). It turns out she'd pulled one of the guys and now this guy was getting himself into a fight and she didnt want anything to do with him anymore, so we introduce ourselves to each other, serve up some drinks and snacks and start chatting, at first its a bit awkward, we dont want to scare her and shes checking that we're all cool, but eventually we all relax and just get talking and we all get on pretty well, we end up watching a DVD, it finishes about 4.30 and my friend decides to go home and walks this girl to the taxi rank too. Now, basically I cant say that I personally got on really well with this girl because the whole time we were talking as a group, but from what she was saying I could tell shes the type of girl I really really like (and I think I made a good impression). But did I bother to ask her for her number when she left? did I ****. I was cursing myself for not doing it when the door shut, and I just went to bed. thinking now I could have phoned my mates mobile and asked to speak to her..

I'm not sure what the problem is.. I suppose last night it was mostly that I didnt want to have to ask this girl with two of my friends listening, but even when I am just talking privately with a girl I still dont end up doing it.. sometimes the thought doesnt even cross my mind untill after the conversation is over, and other times its just plain old self doubt that stops things and I end up convincing myself that I should wait till later when we've got better rapport, and of course I either conveniently forget of bottle it. I always think I'll be better off if I wait for a better opportunity but of course 90% of the time I'm not going to see whoever it is I'm talking to again unless I make some sort of effort to get her number.

I know that I've nothing to lose and all the rest of it, so is it just like approaching, forget self doubt, who cares if she says no.. just go for it.. essentially just grow some balls? I know theres no magic cure out there, and "just do it" is the best advice, so I guess the only reason I'm posting is to remind myself of that fact. (and vent abit about sat night)

On a positive (sort of) note all these recent repeated nights out where the only girls I get talking too really arent anything special and theres no attraction on either side, it only serves to worsen the one-itis I'm slowly getting over (shes the only good woman out there but she doesnt want me... boohoohoo ). So, as I did really, really, like this girl it acted as a welcoming reminder that there are some other great women out there, just a shame I probably wont ever see her again

Anyway if anyone does have any tips on making it easier to close it'd be appreciated but I'm not expecting miracles. It seems this'll take longer to sort out, there are plenty of women that look approachable so that wasn't too hard for me to work on, but of the girls I do end up chatting to theres only a few that I ever feel like I'd like to see again. Its all a numbers game I guess,

Anyway written too much as usual, thoughts appreciated.. bedtime..

 

[krd]

Sounds to me like you're at the point I'm at, where you know what you should be doing, you know how you need to do it, but when the time comes--you run away (figuratively). Better hang in there, 'cause it's a long road ahead. Don't want to bring you down, but I'm being honest.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

anyone else got ideas or thoughts on closing effectively?

I'm p*ssed off, by my reckoning I've missed out on at least 3 or 4 dates over the past couple of months, and girls like the one I met on saturday night certainly dont seem to come along that often..

 

[Lone_raider]

This may sound stupid to some on here, but I'll tell you what broke my closing problem a long while ago. You said it yourself that there is nothing to loose, you know this yet it's still a problem. I know, I felt the same way, I knew what I had to do but I just never did it.

Even after I began training in a martial art I thought now that I can defend myself there is nothing to fear anywhere, but I still couldn't pull off a number close or ask out for a simple coffee date!?! In a totally unrelated topic, my martial arts instructor recommend I read a book called "A Book of 5 rings" by Miyamoto Musashi. So I began reading this book, it turned out to be incredible and it changed me. I beleive there was a passage in there that something along the lines of "Samurai fear nothing because they think of themsleves as dead already" (Note: this may also be in another book I read called Hagakure, also excellent). Anyway he's referring to the fact that humans main fear is death. But if you are already (figuritively) dead or think of yourself as having crossed this final boundry, then there is nothing left to fear, nothing at all. If you've overcome the greatest mystery of life and look at it with fearlessness, then there is nothing else that can stop you, nothing else that can scare you.

That one passage hit me like nothing else ever did before, it was at that moment I overcame my problem. Everyday I thought, if I do not fear death then there is nothing in this world that can stop me, nothing. It applies to everything, but to stay on topic I was finally able to at least ask for a number, or a date and I got some, a bunch in fact! I always reminded myself before asking that "A Samurai does not fear death, so there is nothing left to fear" and that did it for me.

Maybe this sounds stupid to some, maybe this won't work for you or anyone else here. But that's what did it for me, I still remind myself of that even to this day.

Of course it broke my problem of asking out, kissing and so on, but it doesn't offer advice on staying in an LTR LOL! And that's why I'm on this board, but at least I've got running start.

 

[davelmn2003]

Mr. Nice Guy, I know your situation well. I was and still am like that, but lately I've been trying to break out of this wall that I built around myself.

All of us know that the most important fact to remind ourselves is:

there is nothing to lose, but women to gain!

Now picture yourself in the situation you were in before. Imagine you asked for her number and then she DECLINED to give it to you. Well, you'd still be sitting in front of your computer. Nothing's lost. Imagine an alternative: you gathered your courage and asked for her number. She said yes. Now you'd probably be planning a date or something.

Now suppose you're in a similar situation again. Suppose, also, that she WILL reject you. Now, with this in mind, go ask for the number. Just keep it light, like: "hey, maybe we can go get something to eat or get a cup of coffee sometime. What's your number?"

That's what I'd do. To tell you a personal story that happened yesterday. I saw this girl that I once saw at a bar several months ago. I found her cute, but I didn't ask for her number/email, whatever.

Yesterday I met her by chance again. This time I approached her, reminded her of our first encounter (she remembered), and chatted for about 15 minutes. Then I went for it. You just have to do it THINKING THAT YOU WILL GET REJECTED! Then if you really get a cold shoulder? Fine--that was expected. You get the idea.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

so davelmn2003 did you get a number off that girl? I know thats not really the point but its interesting anyhow.

I've recently seen a couple of girls I chatted to a few months ago around (and again failed to close with), but I've been reluctant to go chat to them, main reasons for not approaching are.. would they remember me? (yes they probably would) and mainly that theyll be leaving uni in a couple of weeks so I wouldnt see them again anyway, but then who knows they may be staying around over the summer (like I am) so if I see one of them I'll try and go for it.

But yeah, even if she says no at least it demonstrates to her youve got some balls. Months and months ago I'd been chatting to some girl in a club for about an hour and a half (its the first thing I ever posted here about) towards the end we werent getting on so well (lots of silences), but as we were chucked out at the end, and she bothered to personally say goodbye to me I thought f*ck it and asked for her number, she wasnt too keen, so I shrugged it off, afterwards the thing that bothered me most was that my conversation wasnt good enough, and even when I asked her I pretty much knew it was an outside chance but I wasnt bothered. As it is, I've talked to her a few times since then (same club) and I know now we wouldnt have worked as a couple anyhow.

I guess the difference with the one above was that I knew I wouldnt see her again that night (the club was chucking out) so I knew I had to go for it, with other girls if the conversation ends because one of us has to leave (to bar/dancefloor/toilets whatever) I always think "I'll talk to her later this evening" and then usually dont see them again.