Being too needy and crossing the line.

[rsebast20]

I will start by saying that the left overa of attractions I had with this last girl probably died due to our constant fighting. I believe I am too intense and that can be really awesome and completely poisonous. I sort of expect a lot and get anxious when she answers in short answers. on the other side she can spend all day without saying a word and she is fine. I am trying a way to fix it ( my neddiness), I'm overly romantic and always a compliment back or it feels unbalanced ... I want to know ways to start dismounting this thinking patterns that have been ruining it all with the last 3 girls I had. It seems to be always me making fights bigger and when they say things like "Okay" I elaborate more and try to make them pick up the fight again. It's so out of control and although I am from a place and culture in which people are more intense I believe I'm just a bit worse.

I know this is a complete turn off. I am not always like this , things start cool and interesting and with time it snowballs into me asking for more and getting even pissed when they can't hang out or guilt tripping them. I'm romantic and like having an exciting fun life but this is clearly killing it all.

what the hell... writing this down makes me realize how awful it is but I come here for advice.

What do emotional men do to stop caring that much , to shrug off things like " oh she ditched me " or "why doesnot she text as much as I do". It's always me writing this super elaborate answers and getting frustrated when they don't even try to do the same.

 

[j.619]

What do emotional men do to stop caring that much , to shrug off things like " oh she ditched me " or "why doesnot she text as much as I do". It's always me writing this super elaborate answers and getting frustrated when they don't even try to do the same.

This is a complicated question to answer. You have to figure out what is making you so insecure. Something is making it so that you can't be without these ladies that you begin relationships with. You gotta have the awareness to check yourself when you feel insecure and can't let them tell you 'no'. Or even better, check yourself and don't act needy and ask them out excessively to begin with. It is kinda gross and embarrassing when you write it down on paper and read it to yourself. I know the feeling.

Side note- What do you mean by 'elaborating'? I'm not sure I follow the context.

 

[RedScorpion]

Well, first I will say you're not alone in this. We all have to learn and relearn what is best, proper, and suitable for certain situations. And how to deal with it internally.

The first step is always identifying the aspect that you have a fault with, or issues with. I see you're doing that, which is great. Try to fine tune it so you can see the pattern and emotions that go with it (She is always unresponsive, so I overtext - I am being needy, while she is cool - my insecurities in myself, fear of loneliness prompts me to be reassured, which does not work out).

Next, see the reality of your actions, and how they actually impact. (She may be lukewarm in the texting, but by texting too often, it decreases her response and interest, by showing I'm too interested). This can be supplemented by research, looking at other people's stories, similarities.

Then learn what you should do, and then visualize your actions taking place in that scenario, what you should do. Make it binding for the next time, so when you're tempted to text, when you know you shouldn't - don't. Visualizing it will make it more habitual (Oh yeah I was in this situation before). Practice is what makes changes, and it's over a lifetime, so don't press so hard for immediate results.

Most important I think, is to take a break on yourself every now and then. The mind is very adaptable, but it does have it's limits, and it's much better to be working with it than pressuring it into the change. And so many people go through the same thing. Effort is required, but you should cut the negative feedback, and pump positive affirmations/phrases in your mind (even as simple as 'I can do it'). Your mind is 'dumb' in some ways, and will believe whatever you tell it. (Note, not others, it just gets fed through your mind first, and then you tell it). And from personal experience, it does accumulate (good and bad). Good knowledge is your friend.

 

[TheException]

Start here

 

[Tomo]

I started by shutting up. Stop talking. Awkward silences? Let it go and let someone else break it. It's from here that you learn to organise your mind and how you carry yourself.