Being Supportive - Men vs Women

[Bible_Belt]

Men tend to view their friends as trusted advisers. Your friends are supportive of your life by being candid and honest. If you're about to do something stupid, you want your friends to tell you first if they see it coming. Valued advice can be both negative and positive. For example, if you're wearing a stupid hat that girls are making fun of behind your back, your friends would tell you to take it off.

Women and their friends are completely different. Women view friends as cheerleaders for their life. You go girl! needs to be the constant theme, or else the other woman is not her friend. Friendship is unrelenting positivity, and that is what it means to be a good supportive friend. If a girl is wearing a stupid hat that is getting ridiculed, her friends might think that and they certainly might say that behind her back, but they would never say anything negative to the girl herself - that's not what friends do.

So then in a relationship, both the man and woman want to be supportive of the other one, but the problem is that they define it very differently. It helps as a guy to stick with the rule that words don't mean anything. Whatever nice things a woman says about your life - she's probably telling you what she thinks you need to hear. That's being supportive.

It's a bigger problem for guys in regard to trying to be supportive of a woman. The most constructive and well-meaning criticism will inevitably backfire. And if it's all factually correct, that makes it even worse, because then you'll have the nerve to point out that what you are saying is true. How dare you! What an unsupportive a55hole you are. She'll need to tell all her friends the horrible things you said. They might be thinking you were completely right, but they'll never say that to her. They'll just agree that you are an a55hole.

A long time ago, my then-wife went on antidepressants and gained a bunch of weight. Eventually I just flat out told her that she needed to lose weight. Every single one of her female friends agreed I was just a d!ck. The one male friend she told was a gay guy, a childhood friend she grew up with. He said, "Honey I love you, but I gotta tell it to you like it is. You being fat is not what he signed up for. If you want to keep your man, you should try to lose weight." I never met that guy, but he was so feminine that I thought he was a woman when he called on the phone. But he still had a man's view of what it meant to be a supportive friend.

From now on, I am going to try to treat women like women treat each other. If I'm about to say something about any aspect of her life, her friends or family, or their relationships, and the theme of that statement is not you go girl!, then it's best left unsaid. Truth is for men; women can't handle it.

 

[Outlaw_]

From now on, I am going to try to treat women like women treat each other. If I'm about to say something about any aspect of her life, her friends or family, or their relationships, and the theme of that statement is not you go girl!, then it's best left unsaid. Truth is for men; women can't handle it.

Thanks for this post bro. I forget this so much that I've been violating this with my recent relationship.

Another one instead of "you go girl" depending on the situation is, "baby it is going to be alright" along with a hug.

 

[Bible_Belt]

"baby it is going to be alright"

Yes, that is a good one. It's the last thing I want to hear when someone thinks I'm about to have problems. But it's the only thing you can say about a woman's problems.

 

[Outlaw_]

Yep, because for women, it's all about connection and comfort. Since most of them worry, they want you to make them feel comfortable and take the worry away from them. It's hard for us to do this in practice tho, because our knee jerk reaction is to be "Mr. Fix It".

If it's not "You go girl", then she just wants to be reassured that you are her emotional cushion. The hug, get's them back connected and they feel like you've effectively communicated with them.

 

[Bokanovsky]

From now on, I am going to try to treat women like women treat each other. If I'm about to say something about any aspect of her life, her friends or family, or their relationships, and the theme of that statement is not you go girl!, then it's best left unsaid. Truth is for men; women can't handle it.

That is certainly the conventional wisdom. Never tell your woman that she looks fat in that dress, compliment her constantly, etc. The problem is, you are NOT her friend. She doesn't expect you to act like her friends. And if you start acting like her friends, she will start seeing you as just...a friend. In other words, she will lose attraction for you.

Women like strong men. And when you think of a "strong" man, I bet that a cheerleader, Mr. Positive type is not the first mental image that you get. It is important to be supportive, yes. But it's also important to be put women in their place and criticize them when the occasion calls for it. If you don't, they will never respect you.

 

[Outlaw_]

That is certainly the conventional wisdom. Never tell your woman that she looks fat in that dress, compliment her constantly, etc. The problem is, you are NOT her friend. She doesn't expect you to act like her friends. And if you start acting like her friends, she will start seeing you as just...a friend. In other words, she will lose attraction for you.

Women like strong men. And when you think of a "strong" man, I bet that a cheerleader, Mr. Positive type is not the first mental image that you get. It is important to be supportive, yes. But it's also important to be put women in their place and criticize them when the occasion calls for it. If you don't, they will never respect you.

This line of logic will likely fail in a LTR because of the change in dynamics. It will cause resentment which left unattended can turn into all sorts of things from complaining to lack of libido to cheating (finding a man who is kind). Don't get me wrong, I'm all about giving masculine energy to my woman, but American women will not allow you to "put them in their place."

That has been bred out of women these days.

 

[Bokanovsky]

This line of logic will likely fail in a LTR because of the change in dynamics. It will cause resentment which left unattended can turn into all sorts of things from complaining to lack of libido to cheating (finding a man who is kind). Don't get me wrong, I'm all about giving masculine energy to my woman, but American women will not allow you to "put them in their place."

That has been bred out of women these days.

It's all a matter of balance. Being overly critical and negative will cause resentment. But if your criticism is measured and well-deserved, it will lead to respect. Ultimately, women are like children. They need a "strict but fair" male figure. This applies even to American women, despite their feminist brainwashing. Deep down, they all want a man who can put them in their place. Every successful long-term relationship has two necessary elements: a man who does not take sh!t from his woman and keeps her in check and a woman who respects her man and recognizes hims as the leader.

 

[Kailex]

I had a somewhat similar experience over the last few months.

I hadn't really gone past 6 months with any particular plate so I never really reached this point. Well, my plate A is going on 1 year now and when this first happened (her asking me or telling me about stuff), I tried to get back to her with logic... little did I know, this was annoying her more than anything else because sometimes it implied responsibility and accountability on her behalf. Even if it was 10% implied, I was in 100% in trouble.

Now I just agree and amplify even with those things. We sometimes feel the need to make sense when they only ask us for encouragement... even if they are in the WRONG.

This I noticed even moreso when I moved to the "mainland". There is ample more room to give an honest opinion within a hispanic background than there is here. They don't want to hear the truth sometimes, they want to hear their truth.

 

[dasein]

I love linking this and it fits this thread. Every young man should watch this video over and over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

 

[The Duke]

Its funny how much girls resent each other and never really trust each other. What kind of friend is that??? Not one I would have.

And since when did sitting around complaining and not wanting to fix the problem solve any thing?

Why do we need to conform to them? How about they come around to our way of thinking. I see a lot of men trying to understand women, but I don't see very many women trying to understand men!!! Thats a fact jack.

Women want to join the military, own houses, become executives and do all the other manly things. Then why in the hell do they still want to communicate like a bunch of whining biatches? Why accept that schitt?

Sorry dudes I'm not drinking the kool-aid. I stop my chic when she starts biatching and tell her to see her girlfriends. If she has a problem she can talk to me, other wise I'm not your therapist.

And whomever said women aren't your friends nailed it.

 

[englishman]

I once said to a guy at the gym that I seem to have this unusual fat that won't go away.
He said to me "Englishman, what you have there is fat basstard disease and you need to stop eating so much"
I said thanks! and I started working out more and eating less.

My 2 sisters on the other hand look like beluga whales nowadays as they eat so much, however they both tell each other that they look great... and If I ever dared to use the F word around them ..... ya know Fat! I'd be blacklisted for sure.