Look,I do want help and advice. Some of the stuff I post on here,is the only place I can. I am trying to be more productive. I have a hard time getting there though.
"Strentgh comes from overcoming hardship." Well,that says alot. I really want to change,I don't know what more I can say. I have called a therapist,and am beginning to get a list of goals together. But there is still something else,something that asks why and what for? Maybe I am beyond the help offered here,but am drawn to it due to a sense of normalcy. This post struck me:
I can relate to your identity crisis. I've had several lays throughout my life and although I've been depressed for quite some time I always treated life like a movie to rationalize it, I've attracted women this way and friends and done decently socially thanks to this mentality. I know where you're coming from. You're probably one of those over-analytical and self-critical people, analyzing every personality facet and identifying yourself with different mental labels/identities and trying to associate them with a particular form to please the masses, I do not exactly what you're talking about and it's driven me to insanity too my whole life.
However, I continue to fight and smile anyway, and bear and grim it. Do the same in the meantime, fake it till you make it if you have to. Personally most people view me as a confident relaxed guy and like to be around me, but inside I feel like a quivering volcano but I fake it anyway. You can do this for a while and experience moderate success, but later on you'll take the same road I just recently took: true self improvement.
I just started meditating to see if I can find my center, the observer of the observer, if you will, and I also do Tai Chi now. I haven't fixed myself, no, I still have tons of social anxiety that I suppress but it's all about taking one step at a time. Excercise, working out, some form of mental relaxation, whether it's meditation, choose your fancy. Judging by your posts though I'd get on the meds immediately just as a stepping stone to get you going. I just recently got on Celexa (no reason to feel ashamed) and although it's only been one day I can say with confidence (no placebo effect) that it's increased by happiness very very subtley and it's only the beginning, although side effects being a decrease of libido (not a problem for you, since you're not getting laid anyway) and appetite (shame for me since I'm trying to bulk up, but I heard the side effects eventually evaporate.)
That's my two cents, best of luck to you and remember, become more of an action oriented person instead of theory and concepts. I've done my fair share of drugs and got lost in the mist of theories and concepts and it's turned me into an over-analytical quivering mess. Spend more time moving around than thinking for improvements. Doesn't matter what you do, move your feet more than your head. We live in a society that's droned itself with technology (less movement) and it's doing a killer on a lot of people. Beat it by getting in touch with your primitive side (working out/moving) and use the anti-depressants.
Perhaps my last post was misunderstood. On another note, The part where he mentions pleasing the masses, my feelings are the opposite. I could care less about the that. I have this whole thing about seeing people as followers,buying into these stupid notions reinforced by society at large. As for mental relaxation,well,for a long time now, I have turned to alcohol for that,which has brought it's fair share of problems. One including an accident,I was drunk,hit two parked cars,and got arrested,and am currently dealing with that,and another incident,one that has become the burden of alot of pain and anguish for me,and something I really haven't told too many other people about,but in march of 2 years ago,there was a bunch of us,drinking, and this one person,who I thought was a close freind,someone who I more or less had been through alot with,even with all his b.s, did something although seemingly stupid,really pissed me off. I was taking a piss,and he kicked me while I was,rather humiliating me. So I got pissed off and started going off on a tirade towards him. He did it again,and when I fought back and tried to stop him,he pinned me down,choking me. I was more pissed off than before. So to make a long detailed story short,it ended me,when in a fit of drunken rage, getting in my car,trying to ruin him over,and ruining my car. Not something that is just easy to shake.
I mean, I have been trying to get better, trying to find some way,but instead,find myself on here looking for answers.
