C
Crozzy
Guest
Dear Don Juans,
This is something that you all may know to some degree but it is something that seems to be underlying a lot of the discussions here in the forum. It seems that a lot of the men in this forum feel that they have been "out of control" in the relationships they have had in the past, possibly due to a lack of self-confidence or a strong need to get laid that leads one to question just how to get to the goal line without "screwing up" in between. But this may simplify things a bit if think of these rules of human engagement and relationship (and this works with ANY human relationship).
We ALL feel the happiest when we feel that we have control over our lives; when we are choosing the people we are hanging out with, when we have chosen the career we are working in, when we are choosing the things we enjoy to do in our spare time and are free to do those things. Basically, when are calling ALL the shots in our lives.
But the problem is this: We ALL feel this way, including the person you are trying to date, screw, marry, etc. So here in lies the battle. They want to control their lives also and unless by some miracle thier wants match your wants exactly, there will be conflict.
But when this battle is played out, there are ONLY two options, either one has greater control and one lesser control (essentially one person is being controlled by the other), or they both have an equal degree of control (they compromise well and can make deals so that an equal amount of needs are met on both sides of the fence).
Controlling women (or men) will not respect you if they can easily control you, they want to meet an equal partner in the battle. The example of this is the controlling assertive woman who has a "nice aquiescent" boyfriend but consistantly dumps him for the "bad boy", someone that she can't control. Or the assertive man that leaves his aquiescent wife at home to chase that unattainable woman in the office.
So the rule may be this, all control should be met with an equal amount of resistence. This does not mean that comprimise shouldn't happen; and by all means it should. But that one should never feel "taken advantage of".
Let me provide a concrete American example: It is Sunday and your girlfriend wants you to visit with her parents again (something you have done for the last two weekends), but you would prefer to watch the football games with your friends. At this point a battle for control will ensue. You will need to state in a direct way that you going to spend time with your friends and that you are not going to visit with her parents. DO NOT sneek off with your friends or make excuses, this would only be a confirmation that you are weak. She will typically attempt to reestablish control through guilt ("you don't love me", etc), or anger ("can't you do this one thing for me, your so selfish!"), or threats, or whatever. But whatever happens , no matter how guilty, or scared, you feel, you NEED to establish AT LEAST an equal relationship or you WILL NOT be happy in your life. And also, if you don't let her understand that your life, and your opinion, is of great value, then she will continue to assume that it isn't, and you will continue to be controlled and be miserable, and she will continue to look for someone who's life and time IS valuable to them.
Chris
This is something that you all may know to some degree but it is something that seems to be underlying a lot of the discussions here in the forum. It seems that a lot of the men in this forum feel that they have been "out of control" in the relationships they have had in the past, possibly due to a lack of self-confidence or a strong need to get laid that leads one to question just how to get to the goal line without "screwing up" in between. But this may simplify things a bit if think of these rules of human engagement and relationship (and this works with ANY human relationship).
We ALL feel the happiest when we feel that we have control over our lives; when we are choosing the people we are hanging out with, when we have chosen the career we are working in, when we are choosing the things we enjoy to do in our spare time and are free to do those things. Basically, when are calling ALL the shots in our lives.
But the problem is this: We ALL feel this way, including the person you are trying to date, screw, marry, etc. So here in lies the battle. They want to control their lives also and unless by some miracle thier wants match your wants exactly, there will be conflict.
But when this battle is played out, there are ONLY two options, either one has greater control and one lesser control (essentially one person is being controlled by the other), or they both have an equal degree of control (they compromise well and can make deals so that an equal amount of needs are met on both sides of the fence).
Controlling women (or men) will not respect you if they can easily control you, they want to meet an equal partner in the battle. The example of this is the controlling assertive woman who has a "nice aquiescent" boyfriend but consistantly dumps him for the "bad boy", someone that she can't control. Or the assertive man that leaves his aquiescent wife at home to chase that unattainable woman in the office.
So the rule may be this, all control should be met with an equal amount of resistence. This does not mean that comprimise shouldn't happen; and by all means it should. But that one should never feel "taken advantage of".
Let me provide a concrete American example: It is Sunday and your girlfriend wants you to visit with her parents again (something you have done for the last two weekends), but you would prefer to watch the football games with your friends. At this point a battle for control will ensue. You will need to state in a direct way that you going to spend time with your friends and that you are not going to visit with her parents. DO NOT sneek off with your friends or make excuses, this would only be a confirmation that you are weak. She will typically attempt to reestablish control through guilt ("you don't love me", etc), or anger ("can't you do this one thing for me, your so selfish!"), or threats, or whatever. But whatever happens , no matter how guilty, or scared, you feel, you NEED to establish AT LEAST an equal relationship or you WILL NOT be happy in your life. And also, if you don't let her understand that your life, and your opinion, is of great value, then she will continue to assume that it isn't, and you will continue to be controlled and be miserable, and she will continue to look for someone who's life and time IS valuable to them.
Chris