DatingPutz
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- Mar 6, 2012
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Long story...
I've been casually "dating" this girl ("M") about six months. We both agreed from the get go we don't want a serious relationship and that we'd date others. And, we both have gone on dates with others and/or had casual sex with others. We are completely honest and disclose it all to each other - the ups and downs of it all, the details, etc. At first, M came on rather intensely and made me feel like she really liked me, but then she backed off. That kinda hurt. But I realize I was also in a bad spot (fresh out of another breakup) and a little needy and overeager, wanting her to act a lot more like a girlfriend even if I didn't want a serious relationship. About 3.5 months in, she got pretty distant and stopped hanging with me so much and stopped returning my texts right away. She hooked up with someone else during this time, which was fine per our rules, but it sorta made me feel like I was being ignored for that reason. Eventually I confronted her on it, saying it was all too complicated, etc and i'd like to make it less complicated. We decided to be "just friends" - no sex. She said she was confused, thought a friendship was more sustainable, wasn't sure she was into the sex with me, etc. I said ok. A stable friendship versus an instable "dating" thing feels way better to me.
Because I have some abandonment/rejection issues (that I work on in therapy), I just took a new approach in the friendship. I'd let her do all the contacting, define the relationship, etc. THis has worked because then I don't feel rejected - I just focus on my life and myself and my friends and know she'll contact me when she has time to hang and I"ll hang if it fits in my schedule. For about 2 months, we've hung out weekly with a sleepover. She initiated snuggling during the first sleepover and I was fine with that. So, for the last 2 months, she's intitated contact every 7-10 days and we've had a nice dinner, good convo, a sleep over, snuggled like crazy all night and morning, etc. She's told me she sleeps better with me than anywhere else. She calls our hangouts dates. I call them "hangouts." She's said things like, "yeah, what would you call us?" and I ignore the question and refer to her as a friend. And, week after week, it's felt closer and more stabile, with her complimenting me and telling me I'm cute and sexy - all things she didn't do before when I was the one reaching out to her and constantly asking her on a date nite, etc. I'm not acting needy or pushing anything and it's evidently worked. Last week, she proposed perhaps that we rekindle our sexual relationship some times. I said I'd be okay with that, but we didn't do it that night (she wasn't in the mood right then). In between our hangouts, we never talk - I dont contact her, she doesn't contact me. We "see" each other on facebook and lately I've noticed she's commented on a few of my posts, whereas she never had before, but that's about it. (She made it clear awhile back she doesn't really have the type of friendships with people where she texts daily and didn't want that with me. She isn't a phone person. I've just accepted that - some of my other friendships are that way, while some are closer and have more communication).
Fast forward a week...I bravely (stupidly?) decide that maybe things are stable and safe enough for me to reach out to her and see if she wanted to hang sometime this week. Why should I make her do all the initiating and I was wanting to plan my week (with some other dates), so I figured I'd just send her a text. I did...no response. It's now been more than 24 hours and no response. Yet, she's updated her facebook status and such, so I know she's been around. Sigh. I feel like I set myself up to have those feelings of abandonment/rejection and that I should have just waited a couple more days and she surely would have contacted me to set something up like she always has. Instead, she's ignoring me. I don't know why, but my mind runs through a million scenarios. Is it b/c something has changed and she no longer likes me? Is it because she thinks I'm just contacting her for sex (tho I've made NO moves and she was the one who brought up the convo - but she used to think I wanted sex too much when we were "dating)? Is it because she is into someone else? (We have both dated others, and I'm pretty sure she had one this past week since she last saw me.). Is it just that she's busy? Is it that she wants a little break from me? Is it this, is it that? What if, what if, what if....
Happy I have my therapy appointment soon, but just thought I'd throw this out here. Do I just not contact her and wait for her to contact me? When we do hang next, I feel like I should definitely tell her that not responding is disrespectful and I thought we had gotten through some of the BS part of our relationship now that we're friends. (I know I"ll see her again, despite my wounded inner child who fears she's just abandoned me for good). Should I just stay in my method of focusing on myself and letting her come to me? Or is that giving her too much power? THings feel better that way for me - I don't obsess over it as much, I just live my life, focus on me, hang with friends, date, etc.
I know, I know...I have one-itis. Hence the reason I am dating around. But it still does bother me, being ignored. It's like my kryptonite. And I have no clue why she hasn't responded to me - maybe it's one of my fears, or maybe it's soemthing else. But how do I 1) stay more of a challenge (b/c since I've been dating and so busy, shd efinitely shows a lot more interest in me when we're together - calling me sexy and cute, etc) and 2) Command her respect so that she won't ignore me.
I've been casually "dating" this girl ("M") about six months. We both agreed from the get go we don't want a serious relationship and that we'd date others. And, we both have gone on dates with others and/or had casual sex with others. We are completely honest and disclose it all to each other - the ups and downs of it all, the details, etc. At first, M came on rather intensely and made me feel like she really liked me, but then she backed off. That kinda hurt. But I realize I was also in a bad spot (fresh out of another breakup) and a little needy and overeager, wanting her to act a lot more like a girlfriend even if I didn't want a serious relationship. About 3.5 months in, she got pretty distant and stopped hanging with me so much and stopped returning my texts right away. She hooked up with someone else during this time, which was fine per our rules, but it sorta made me feel like I was being ignored for that reason. Eventually I confronted her on it, saying it was all too complicated, etc and i'd like to make it less complicated. We decided to be "just friends" - no sex. She said she was confused, thought a friendship was more sustainable, wasn't sure she was into the sex with me, etc. I said ok. A stable friendship versus an instable "dating" thing feels way better to me.
Because I have some abandonment/rejection issues (that I work on in therapy), I just took a new approach in the friendship. I'd let her do all the contacting, define the relationship, etc. THis has worked because then I don't feel rejected - I just focus on my life and myself and my friends and know she'll contact me when she has time to hang and I"ll hang if it fits in my schedule. For about 2 months, we've hung out weekly with a sleepover. She initiated snuggling during the first sleepover and I was fine with that. So, for the last 2 months, she's intitated contact every 7-10 days and we've had a nice dinner, good convo, a sleep over, snuggled like crazy all night and morning, etc. She's told me she sleeps better with me than anywhere else. She calls our hangouts dates. I call them "hangouts." She's said things like, "yeah, what would you call us?" and I ignore the question and refer to her as a friend. And, week after week, it's felt closer and more stabile, with her complimenting me and telling me I'm cute and sexy - all things she didn't do before when I was the one reaching out to her and constantly asking her on a date nite, etc. I'm not acting needy or pushing anything and it's evidently worked. Last week, she proposed perhaps that we rekindle our sexual relationship some times. I said I'd be okay with that, but we didn't do it that night (she wasn't in the mood right then). In between our hangouts, we never talk - I dont contact her, she doesn't contact me. We "see" each other on facebook and lately I've noticed she's commented on a few of my posts, whereas she never had before, but that's about it. (She made it clear awhile back she doesn't really have the type of friendships with people where she texts daily and didn't want that with me. She isn't a phone person. I've just accepted that - some of my other friendships are that way, while some are closer and have more communication).
Fast forward a week...I bravely (stupidly?) decide that maybe things are stable and safe enough for me to reach out to her and see if she wanted to hang sometime this week. Why should I make her do all the initiating and I was wanting to plan my week (with some other dates), so I figured I'd just send her a text. I did...no response. It's now been more than 24 hours and no response. Yet, she's updated her facebook status and such, so I know she's been around. Sigh. I feel like I set myself up to have those feelings of abandonment/rejection and that I should have just waited a couple more days and she surely would have contacted me to set something up like she always has. Instead, she's ignoring me. I don't know why, but my mind runs through a million scenarios. Is it b/c something has changed and she no longer likes me? Is it because she thinks I'm just contacting her for sex (tho I've made NO moves and she was the one who brought up the convo - but she used to think I wanted sex too much when we were "dating)? Is it because she is into someone else? (We have both dated others, and I'm pretty sure she had one this past week since she last saw me.). Is it just that she's busy? Is it that she wants a little break from me? Is it this, is it that? What if, what if, what if....
Happy I have my therapy appointment soon, but just thought I'd throw this out here. Do I just not contact her and wait for her to contact me? When we do hang next, I feel like I should definitely tell her that not responding is disrespectful and I thought we had gotten through some of the BS part of our relationship now that we're friends. (I know I"ll see her again, despite my wounded inner child who fears she's just abandoned me for good). Should I just stay in my method of focusing on myself and letting her come to me? Or is that giving her too much power? THings feel better that way for me - I don't obsess over it as much, I just live my life, focus on me, hang with friends, date, etc.
I know, I know...I have one-itis. Hence the reason I am dating around. But it still does bother me, being ignored. It's like my kryptonite. And I have no clue why she hasn't responded to me - maybe it's one of my fears, or maybe it's soemthing else. But how do I 1) stay more of a challenge (b/c since I've been dating and so busy, shd efinitely shows a lot more interest in me when we're together - calling me sexy and cute, etc) and 2) Command her respect so that she won't ignore me.
relationship due in part because I am a guy but if it was me and this is my girl doing this crap I would confront her and let it be known that her bs games aren't tolerated anymore. If she still wants a relationship with you I would NC her until she begs you to come back to her. Other than that I think you might be on your own because I have never dated bi sexual women really and I wouldn't know what they require or are looking for in a relationships.