Being emotionally attached... Why do we do it to ourselves?

[netman]

There was a similar post sime time back, but I was hoping to get more input.

I don't know why, but I think I'm too emotionally attached in my LTR. Don't get me wrong. I'm not the typical "nice guy" AFC who lets their girl run all over them. I'm very confident and I've been through so much in my life that I know myself enough to never beg a woman to stay with me, nor will I stay with a woman who is losing interest in me. I believe I'm a very conscious person when it comes to stuff like that.

Anyhow, I'm beginning to think that a lot of the issues (more like distractions) that I have with my current girlfriend are related to me being too emotionally attached, which includes being slightly jealous and over protective at times, which I know is the fastest way to lose a LTR. I notice that I base a lot of my happiness on her. For example, if I call her and she doesn't sound to be in a good mood for whatever reason, I tend to think that she's sad because she's not happy with me, then my insecurities kick in (I've been burned badly in the past) and my mood becomes sour. Then she'll call me later in the day, with "I love you so much" and stuff like that, then I feel better. I know for a fact that she's very happy with me, and she reassures me everyday, but I can't help thinking this way everytime we speak and this happens. And if we have a small argument, it tends to ruin my mood and gets me privately sad, but her, she can very easily let it go, and be happy again very quickly. I wish I could do that!! I wish I could change myself to be that way!! Also, when we're at a social gathering, or in a restaurant or wherever, I tend to only focus on what she's doing, who she's looking at, who she's talking to and who's looking at her, and stuff like that. I get myself sick sometimes and I can't help it!!!

I know that I definitely read into her actions a little too much because of my emotional attachment, and this makes my imagination go wild sometimes, and again it fuels my insecurities and jealousy for no good reason at all. How can I pull back a little on my emotional attachment without losing interest in the relationship?

I know that this post sounds a little AFC, but it's really not. I've come a long way and I definitely don't show my insecurities and I'm not the crazy psycho jealous boyfriend either, but I really need some advise from someone who's been there and back.

 

[THA REALNESS]

OUCH!

ur missing something from ur life and ur making it up with her ,dude,sorry but no-one has the answer 4 that here or any where!i don't think u CAN solve that,if push comes 2 shove ur just gonna have 2 get over her.



p.s. It's sounds like u perfer a LTR,right?Why is that?

 

[stormwriter]

Do you have health insurance through your company? If you do, there is probably a way you can see a counselor for a copay of $10 or $15 per session, and your insurance will pay the remaining $65 or so.
I was seeing the same therapist through a divorce with one girl, trying to rebuild the relationship with another girl, and coping with a breakup with another girl. I think therapy is awesome, and it really gives you another PROFESSIONAL perspective, not just some friend saying, "ah dude, don't worry about it so much..."

I would look into it. I had to look in the list of counselors, pick one, call my insurance company and get some sessions approved, and set up a time with the counselor.

They have seen problems like yours before, and they know how to deal with relationships and all that sort of thing.

I would recommend it. It's kind of fun, too!

 

[DJ_Dork]

It's called Co-Dependency. Listen dude, remember you are #1 in your life. When she is gone, you only have you. If you make yourself #2 - you are deluding yourself. Find friends, or go out and do your own thing dude. LTR is really cool and nice - focus too much and it may smother her = she leaves you = you go suicidal.

 

[tiburon]

OK coming from someone who toatally understands you

Dear netman:
I am going to give you my best advice on your situation but ill beging by saying, this LTR is not going to last much longer! I know you disagree! You love her alot(that is also true)!You are not an AFC(also true)!You are a DJ(not true)! You seem to be a MAN that just lacks experience , All DJs are not MAN but all MAn are not DJs. If i had to choose one ill be in the MAN side but luckily you can be a DJ and be a MAN at the same time!Before you wonder if my advice to you is of help, i am going to inform you that when i read your article i saw myself a few years back! I have benn in your shoes and i know what you mean when you say:"I've been through so much in my life that I know myself enough to never beg a woman to stay with me," , this is just like me, and i haven't change a bit! GREAT ATTITUDE ! THATS BEING A MAN!
Why are you getting attached? You find in her a phsycological need to love her!A need to feel that in this world there might be something pure, something worth living for, something you have found, something that makes up for everything you being trough!
You werent alwasy like this, but over time this girl has molded into this need that just started to come out of you when her softness fitted the mold!

Your parents Divorce?Had to work to support your family early on?You never had a father to be close with? A mother? I dont know quite well what it is but some events in your life have lead you to develop such a need and it is completely natural. You need to figure this out for yourself, just as i did once a few years ago. my boss told me that the reason i love my ex so much was becasue since i never had a real family i had the need to feel i belonged , the need to have what i had never had had before!Well he wasnt 100 percent correct but very damn close atleast. He told me while working on construction! If i would had been a kid with a great family i probably wouldnt have had back then the need to find something pure, something i had never had before, and this is why the facade of love and the family values and morals are making society go downhill! More divorces more kids with "TRAUMAS" and the sad part is not everyone is as strong as you and i to overcome them( i know you will be able)! Whicjh leads to more divorces and more kids with traumas!

Your image of this girl is too important and thats not wrong , you love her and thats ok, love is meant to occur, the problem is you are inmature and dont know how to control the importance when jealousy kicks in and you start feeling she is your property ! YOU SOUND LATIN! You said it yourself , your insecurities come in to play! We all are insecure , some more than others but this is something you want to work on after this relationship, because like i said, it aint going to last! First realize the world is a piece of shyt , but there are still beautiful things about it! No woman can feed your phsycological need because any women you love has to be because you just do, not because she represents anything or feeds any need ! BE HAPPY WITH THE FACT OF BEING ALONE!DEAL WITH YOUR PAST PROBLEMS AND GIVE AN END TO THEM DONT KEEP ON CARRYING THEM ALONG BECAUSE THEY WILL HUNT YOU FOREVER !

Well why do i say it is going to end? First you are in a situation that there is no way to get out of it but to just go foward! Your image of her is so great that any disspointment my brake the whole think up( you are just like me) and if it doesnt brake it so much resentment will be made that it will slowly eat your love. Little arguments will be more often and then they will become LARGE arguments. You are so insecured that there is no way out of it! WHen you are single again make sure you become aware of the nature of women, that some are good some are bad, LEARN THE RED FLAGS, the ones in the bibles, but specially your own!

For example: If she one day says : " IF i was married to someone else just becuase one day we broke up, i think even with kids i wll brake the marriage to be with you gain. I love you so much"

Well this sound very assuring for you and very lovely but my friend it is a RED FLAG! She is willing to leave her husband and brake a family for a men and leave more kids with divorced parents!THATS THE BIG PICTURE!

The fact your women is reasuring you all the time that she loves you is another RED FLAGwith me! Let me ask you something do you tell your parents and reasure them that you lve the all the time? Do you tell your best friend : "hey man i trust you!" all the tiem? NO . WHY? because each of you know is there? GReat love doesnt need that much reasurance!

And if we have a small argument, it tends to ruin my mood and gets me privately sad, but her, she can very easily let it go, and be happy again very quickly. I wish I could do that!! I wish I could change myself to be that way!!

Man this is another red flag! You dont want to be like her! I mean dont get all depress upto the point you dont even want to hold a normal conversation with her but dont act like if it never happened ! This is wrong! Stand your ground and let her know that you just dont let she get away with crime that easily. If you react after she gets happy by being happy aswell so soon you are sending her the message that she can fight as many times and do as she pleases because you will forgive in a matter of seconds! I bet more arguments are started by you and it feels like you are the guiltyperson for feeling how you do! WRONG! Women's best ability its to turn the tables to woin arguments. You probably have a very good reason for getting pissed off.

I f i had to take a guess i would say your girl is very dependent on you and is in a wasy using you by feeding your phsycological need . This might happen unconciously or conciously but thats another story! I suggest to try step aside from the relationship and evaluate it like if you were evaluating a friends of yours relationship. See who she truly is, see what really is going on!
If she is no treating you right , move on! I LOVES YOU DONT COUNT ! WHAT SHE SAYS DONT COUNT!. SEE HER ACTIONS!
If she gives contradicting signs then you start to get the picture!JUDGE HER ACTIONS NOT HER WORDS! Does she seem to be happy when thing go her way and unhappy when things dont?
RD FLAG ASWELL. I Hope you start to get the picture. MAKE A GOOD EVALUATION!

Finally realize that there are women outhere that treat men great, and that love truly and show it with actions. The fact you were her firts(in case you were..which sound likely fromreading your post) or that you guys had such nice memories doesnt make it RIGHT to tolerate a relationship that is not making you happy!
ALL WOMEN ARE NOT THE SAME! and the fact youa feel jealous and are always concer in what she is alwasy doing might be because your insecurities, but dont be completely sure its your fault for feeling like this. She might have made this insecurities kick in by some of her actions you are probably blinded to evaluate!

Tiburon

 

[tiburon]

DJ DORK

DJ_DORK PUT IT NICELY. You come first and then the relationship. Remember this! I am tired of seen how guys fell in love an just feel all need to be with that special other and loose interest in becoming so much better persons and reaching their aspires goals!

Guess what is the other side of the story?
First you give to much attention to your girl and she starts to take it forgranted!
Second every single guy outhere are not so blinded and they are improving themselves and cathcing up on you!
Third you are so serious about the relationship and concern in it working out that your Girl starts to see what real MAN YOU ARE!
Fourth she starts looking at other guys because her interest in you declines slowly every day!
Fifth mr hot shot who might even be a pvssy compare to you comes into the picture plays his corny lines impresses your girl and she leaves yo alone!

YOU ALWAYS COME FIRST! You need to read the BIBLE more and become more of a Challenge by improving your self and accomplishing some goals!


Tiburon

 

[marqZAL]

This has happened to me twice in my life, where i met a girl and I would let her dictate my feelings, not conciously....but like you describe questioning. In my case, it was because I rushed into a relationship with out knowing the person, then racked my brain trying to find reasons not to dump the person because I was emotionally attached. Emotional attachment sucks when your not intellectually conected or have the same idea of what a relationship should be. The only solution I had was to break up, otherwise I would have driven myself insane, literally insane.

There were times in life where I wanted to be in a realtionship so bad, it completely fvcked my judgment and my ego was so torn down after a while. Because, I let things slide that I normally would'nt. I didnt trust the person and yet kept seeing them. If you dont trust somsone why would you wnat to keep seeing them, it will only cause you a tremendous amount of pain. It really sounds like you dont trust her, or your lieing to yourself about how much you like her. You need to do a bit of soul searching and decided wether or not you really wnat to keep seeing her. If your in alot of emotional pain now, its only goign to get worse.