artisano
Don Juan
I thought of writing this post after reading Chocolate-tai's posting about getting a lot of phone numbers from working at a shoe store and a number of others who are asking where they can meet women (and get their phone numbers).
This post is not about getting phone numbers, but because I have noticed so many members of this forum using that as some kind of measure of success, or as an important goal to move towards, I felt inspired to write this.
Many women are nice people, just like many men are (but probably more women), so when some poor guy asks for their phone number they feel bad about saying no, or they just are not strong enough to say no - so they give it up. Sometimes they give the real one, sometimes if they think fast enough they give a fake one. You can have a pile of them in your pocket and all it means is that your pocket is full of paper.
Getting a phone number is like standing at home plate with your bat - you have great potential to hit the ball and get on base, but you're not there yet (though it's better than being in the dugout).
In fact, I rarely ever ask women for their phone number unless I have already established enough of a relationship with them to where it would be totally normal for me to be calling them (read on and you will understand what I mean). Calling a woman and asking her out puts you in a way worse situation then doing it in person. But there is a far better way.
There are those of you who are trying to meet women at bars and other places where everyone are strangers, so that you are more reliant on getting a phone number because you may never see her again. A better way is to meet women in situations where you will see them again, or where they are introduced to you by a mutual friend.
Some of you are freaking out - but I don't have any other way of meeting women!! That is a big part of your problem. You don't have a life.
To create a life you have to get involved in the life of your community. No man is an island. We are not separate from our communities - we are either engaged in them and building a life, or we are separitists living within them, but staying in one place while other's move forward. It's not just about finding a place to meet women, but it's about becoming a person who has a substantial life that will be attractive to women in general.
If you don't have enough of a "life" so that you are regularly being introduced to women, and your main social network is a small group of male friends - then even if by luck you meet some great woman, it is likely that she will eventually pass on you because you will be perceived by her to be either to young and immature to have engaged life meaningfully (ie. not a man to build a family with), or if you are older, then you will be perceived as being flawed - because it would be expected by now that you would have created more of a life for yourself.
The old saying "get a life" pertains here.
The reality of community is that if you are engaged in it, it will produce for you all that you need in life. And if you are not engaged in it, standing by on the sidelines, then all of its bounty will be passing you by. If you are engaged in community, through it you will have a regular stream of very available women introduced to you.
Now, if you were a woman, who would you rather date - the proven, responsible, and committed man you met through your friends at such and such function (instant credibility), or this guy you know nothing about hitting on you at the bar asking for your phone number? (imagine who you would want your daughter to date).
In fact, many of the best women are themselves so engaged in community life that they never even go to bars like this. They are themselves being introduced to a steady stream of available men through their community.
So the first thing being engaged in community does is provide plenty of potential mates.
The second thing it does is train you how to become a man who is mature and through life experience has become able to deal with all kinds of situations - and the result of this is you will emanate a natural confidence. This confidence will be real and not something you are struggling to project.
You won't be so desperate to jump on every potential female situation because you will have such a steady stream of them in your life. That desperation to "make something happen" is what screws you up, because it makes you have bad judgement and causes you to do things which make you look desperate. Natural confidence is the key. It can't be faked, it has to be created. It comes from having a life, and knowing that many women would love to join that life.
I repeat - natural confidence can't be faked. It is created by having a life, and knowing in your heart that there are many women who would love to join that life.
Woman want to find something, they are all looking like crazy. They dream of finding a real man who will love them and take care of them and be a great father of the children they dream of bearing.
Examine yourself. Are you that man? Do you have a life that the kind of amazing woman you dream of would like to join? If you are not that man, then go out and become him.
How???? Look at your life and ask yourself what you are really passionate about. It has to be something that just flows from you. Something that you don't have to work up motivation for. Then find ways to use that passion in the greater community around you. Get involved in associations, and organizations that are related to that. Get involved in community groups and be the advocate for that particular area of interest. Get deeply involved in your church. It doesn't have to be a group that only does the thing you're interested in, but any group, and within that organization you can be involved in doing the thing you like. For example if you are into computers and can build web sites - there are a gazillion organizations about all kinds of things that would love to have you as a member that takes care of their internet stuff, or can balance their books, or can help set up chairs and other logistics for their meetings, etc. If you are into art, join the local art guild, or the community theater. Softball teams, coach little league (all those married women have single friends and family members they would love to introduce you to). Become a big brother (women will melt at the thought of it - and your new network of friends will make sure to tell them, you won't have to). If you live in an urban setting there are a million things. After school sports programs for kids, art and cultural foundations, political groups. Of course church - try a bunch of them out and see which one you like best. Go every Sunday morning for the next few months to a different one.
Then what happens (and of course this takes time - your not building legos, your building a life) is that you start building a social network. You get invited to parties, and functions. You get invited to impromptu get-togethers. You go on weekend retreats with your church. Before you know it, you are involved in leading things. When you take on more responsibility you will inevitably experience conflicts and problems - they are part of your training to become a man. You deal with them humbly and wisely, and you build character. You are building a life, and becoming a member of your community. Strange things happen, more doors open, more social networks develop. Now you are not out there looking for women on your own, but you have a network of people working on your behalf, telling their single friends about you, and introducing you to them at the next get-together.
Now you are a man that doesn't have to ask for phone numbers - women are chasing you (and once the word gets out, even more will chase you), and believe me when women are chasing you, they will make sure you have their phone number, and will be expecting a call.
This post is not about getting phone numbers, but because I have noticed so many members of this forum using that as some kind of measure of success, or as an important goal to move towards, I felt inspired to write this.
Many women are nice people, just like many men are (but probably more women), so when some poor guy asks for their phone number they feel bad about saying no, or they just are not strong enough to say no - so they give it up. Sometimes they give the real one, sometimes if they think fast enough they give a fake one. You can have a pile of them in your pocket and all it means is that your pocket is full of paper.
Getting a phone number is like standing at home plate with your bat - you have great potential to hit the ball and get on base, but you're not there yet (though it's better than being in the dugout).
In fact, I rarely ever ask women for their phone number unless I have already established enough of a relationship with them to where it would be totally normal for me to be calling them (read on and you will understand what I mean). Calling a woman and asking her out puts you in a way worse situation then doing it in person. But there is a far better way.
There are those of you who are trying to meet women at bars and other places where everyone are strangers, so that you are more reliant on getting a phone number because you may never see her again. A better way is to meet women in situations where you will see them again, or where they are introduced to you by a mutual friend.
Some of you are freaking out - but I don't have any other way of meeting women!! That is a big part of your problem. You don't have a life.
To create a life you have to get involved in the life of your community. No man is an island. We are not separate from our communities - we are either engaged in them and building a life, or we are separitists living within them, but staying in one place while other's move forward. It's not just about finding a place to meet women, but it's about becoming a person who has a substantial life that will be attractive to women in general.
If you don't have enough of a "life" so that you are regularly being introduced to women, and your main social network is a small group of male friends - then even if by luck you meet some great woman, it is likely that she will eventually pass on you because you will be perceived by her to be either to young and immature to have engaged life meaningfully (ie. not a man to build a family with), or if you are older, then you will be perceived as being flawed - because it would be expected by now that you would have created more of a life for yourself.
The old saying "get a life" pertains here.
The reality of community is that if you are engaged in it, it will produce for you all that you need in life. And if you are not engaged in it, standing by on the sidelines, then all of its bounty will be passing you by. If you are engaged in community, through it you will have a regular stream of very available women introduced to you.
Now, if you were a woman, who would you rather date - the proven, responsible, and committed man you met through your friends at such and such function (instant credibility), or this guy you know nothing about hitting on you at the bar asking for your phone number? (imagine who you would want your daughter to date).
In fact, many of the best women are themselves so engaged in community life that they never even go to bars like this. They are themselves being introduced to a steady stream of available men through their community.
So the first thing being engaged in community does is provide plenty of potential mates.
The second thing it does is train you how to become a man who is mature and through life experience has become able to deal with all kinds of situations - and the result of this is you will emanate a natural confidence. This confidence will be real and not something you are struggling to project.
You won't be so desperate to jump on every potential female situation because you will have such a steady stream of them in your life. That desperation to "make something happen" is what screws you up, because it makes you have bad judgement and causes you to do things which make you look desperate. Natural confidence is the key. It can't be faked, it has to be created. It comes from having a life, and knowing that many women would love to join that life.
I repeat - natural confidence can't be faked. It is created by having a life, and knowing in your heart that there are many women who would love to join that life.
Woman want to find something, they are all looking like crazy. They dream of finding a real man who will love them and take care of them and be a great father of the children they dream of bearing.
Examine yourself. Are you that man? Do you have a life that the kind of amazing woman you dream of would like to join? If you are not that man, then go out and become him.
How???? Look at your life and ask yourself what you are really passionate about. It has to be something that just flows from you. Something that you don't have to work up motivation for. Then find ways to use that passion in the greater community around you. Get involved in associations, and organizations that are related to that. Get involved in community groups and be the advocate for that particular area of interest. Get deeply involved in your church. It doesn't have to be a group that only does the thing you're interested in, but any group, and within that organization you can be involved in doing the thing you like. For example if you are into computers and can build web sites - there are a gazillion organizations about all kinds of things that would love to have you as a member that takes care of their internet stuff, or can balance their books, or can help set up chairs and other logistics for their meetings, etc. If you are into art, join the local art guild, or the community theater. Softball teams, coach little league (all those married women have single friends and family members they would love to introduce you to). Become a big brother (women will melt at the thought of it - and your new network of friends will make sure to tell them, you won't have to). If you live in an urban setting there are a million things. After school sports programs for kids, art and cultural foundations, political groups. Of course church - try a bunch of them out and see which one you like best. Go every Sunday morning for the next few months to a different one.
Then what happens (and of course this takes time - your not building legos, your building a life) is that you start building a social network. You get invited to parties, and functions. You get invited to impromptu get-togethers. You go on weekend retreats with your church. Before you know it, you are involved in leading things. When you take on more responsibility you will inevitably experience conflicts and problems - they are part of your training to become a man. You deal with them humbly and wisely, and you build character. You are building a life, and becoming a member of your community. Strange things happen, more doors open, more social networks develop. Now you are not out there looking for women on your own, but you have a network of people working on your behalf, telling their single friends about you, and introducing you to them at the next get-together.
Now you are a man that doesn't have to ask for phone numbers - women are chasing you (and once the word gets out, even more will chase you), and believe me when women are chasing you, they will make sure you have their phone number, and will be expecting a call.
