LostInChina
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- Apr 18, 2014
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OK, here's my rather complicated story...
I'm three months out of a LTR. The girl is Chinese and we met in the UK two years ago. At the time things were going really well, so when she returned to Beijing (she was only on a temporary work rotation in the UK), I followed her all the way back and moved to China. To be fair, I didn't do it just for her - I also wanted the experience of living overseas for a while, plus I managed to land a decent job here.
Anyhow, here I am in Beijing, almost two years later, broken up, and feeling kind of sorry for myself. We broke up in January, following months of ups and downs. I ended it, and at the time, it felt right, and when she tried to get back with me in the following days, I gave her the brush off. At that time, I was certain I wanted to end it. A few days later, I flew home to the UK for a 2 week break to recuperate.
Two weeks later, I return back to China, feeling refreshed and anticipating that we can patch things up. Big surprise: her mindset has totally changed. She's gone completely cold and has frozen me out. Very little contact, and every message very short and business-like. My reaction to this is firstly surprise, and then panic. I start fearing I've lost her forever and that this is the worst thing that could happen, and I start chasing. This does not work. The more I chase, the more adamant she becomes that she wants to move on. And the more she ignores me or tells me she doesn't want me, the more I want her back.
The only time I didn't chase was four weeks ago, when I started seeing another Chinese girl (let's call her Girl B). While this took my mind off Girl A, this didn't work out. Turns out Girl B is pretty traditional (some Chinese girls are, some aren't), so once we'd got past the kissing stage, and I thought we were safely on the way to the bedroom, she made it clear that sex was not going to happen until we were engaged. Absolutely not what I wanted to hear, and was never going to work for me, so, in the nicest possible way, I ended it. (She's since been in contact by email, but that's a whole different story.)
Interestingly, during the brief time I was with Girl B, I paid Girl A no attention and Girl A actually increased her interest. She sent me advice on moving apartments, asked about my future plans, even hinted at meeting up, etc.
Anyhow, with Girl B out of the way, my mind goes right back to Girl A and get stuck in beta mode again. I phone her, send her messages on WeChat, practically beg for a reconciliation. She tells me that maybe in the future there's a possibility, but not yet. Basically, I get nowhere again.
Anyhow, a few days ago I start reading this forum (I wish I'd read it 2 months ago) and suddenly it becomes clear what's been happening:
A. Whether intentionally or not, this girl has been playing a good game. She's made it appear as though she's the prize - low contact, no interest, busy, moving on, putting me down, etc.
B. I've fallen for it. I've been behaving like a complete loser and have been texting her, phoning her, trying to initiate meet-ups, etc. The more she's resisted, the more I've pursued. It's no wonder she's lost interest in me. Right now, her perceived value is way up, while mine is way down. Her confidence is high, while mine's dwindling.
The last face to face contact I had with her was 6 days ago, when I went round to her flat and pretty much begged her to try again, in a rather pathetic beta display that did me no favours at all. She told me that she didn't know if we had a future, but that she thought I was emotionally unstable and that I should go and talk to friends about this. In hindsight, this was probably the most pathetic thing I've done since arriving in China.
A couple of days later I sent her a message asking if she was feeling better (she'd had flu). She replied and said she was fine now. No contact since that time.
I realise there's a good chance I won't get this girl back, and I'll just have to accept this. However, I still want to try to turn this situation around if at all possible.
I need advice on what to do now. Right now, she sees me as a loser, there's no doubt. I want to somehow elevate my status and try to get her interest back. I need to make it clear to her that I have interest from other girls (which I do), and start to look more like the man again.
Should I initiate no contact immediately? Or should I send her a final message and tell her that I'm moving on, have other options, and don't want to fu*k about any longer when it's clearly pointless?
How can I get the power back here? Any advice on my next move?
I'm three months out of a LTR. The girl is Chinese and we met in the UK two years ago. At the time things were going really well, so when she returned to Beijing (she was only on a temporary work rotation in the UK), I followed her all the way back and moved to China. To be fair, I didn't do it just for her - I also wanted the experience of living overseas for a while, plus I managed to land a decent job here.
Anyhow, here I am in Beijing, almost two years later, broken up, and feeling kind of sorry for myself. We broke up in January, following months of ups and downs. I ended it, and at the time, it felt right, and when she tried to get back with me in the following days, I gave her the brush off. At that time, I was certain I wanted to end it. A few days later, I flew home to the UK for a 2 week break to recuperate.
Two weeks later, I return back to China, feeling refreshed and anticipating that we can patch things up. Big surprise: her mindset has totally changed. She's gone completely cold and has frozen me out. Very little contact, and every message very short and business-like. My reaction to this is firstly surprise, and then panic. I start fearing I've lost her forever and that this is the worst thing that could happen, and I start chasing. This does not work. The more I chase, the more adamant she becomes that she wants to move on. And the more she ignores me or tells me she doesn't want me, the more I want her back.
The only time I didn't chase was four weeks ago, when I started seeing another Chinese girl (let's call her Girl B). While this took my mind off Girl A, this didn't work out. Turns out Girl B is pretty traditional (some Chinese girls are, some aren't), so once we'd got past the kissing stage, and I thought we were safely on the way to the bedroom, she made it clear that sex was not going to happen until we were engaged. Absolutely not what I wanted to hear, and was never going to work for me, so, in the nicest possible way, I ended it. (She's since been in contact by email, but that's a whole different story.)
Interestingly, during the brief time I was with Girl B, I paid Girl A no attention and Girl A actually increased her interest. She sent me advice on moving apartments, asked about my future plans, even hinted at meeting up, etc.
Anyhow, with Girl B out of the way, my mind goes right back to Girl A and get stuck in beta mode again. I phone her, send her messages on WeChat, practically beg for a reconciliation. She tells me that maybe in the future there's a possibility, but not yet. Basically, I get nowhere again.
Anyhow, a few days ago I start reading this forum (I wish I'd read it 2 months ago) and suddenly it becomes clear what's been happening:
A. Whether intentionally or not, this girl has been playing a good game. She's made it appear as though she's the prize - low contact, no interest, busy, moving on, putting me down, etc.
B. I've fallen for it. I've been behaving like a complete loser and have been texting her, phoning her, trying to initiate meet-ups, etc. The more she's resisted, the more I've pursued. It's no wonder she's lost interest in me. Right now, her perceived value is way up, while mine is way down. Her confidence is high, while mine's dwindling.
The last face to face contact I had with her was 6 days ago, when I went round to her flat and pretty much begged her to try again, in a rather pathetic beta display that did me no favours at all. She told me that she didn't know if we had a future, but that she thought I was emotionally unstable and that I should go and talk to friends about this. In hindsight, this was probably the most pathetic thing I've done since arriving in China.
A couple of days later I sent her a message asking if she was feeling better (she'd had flu). She replied and said she was fine now. No contact since that time.
I realise there's a good chance I won't get this girl back, and I'll just have to accept this. However, I still want to try to turn this situation around if at all possible.
I need advice on what to do now. Right now, she sees me as a loser, there's no doubt. I want to somehow elevate my status and try to get her interest back. I need to make it clear to her that I have interest from other girls (which I do), and start to look more like the man again.
Should I initiate no contact immediately? Or should I send her a final message and tell her that I'm moving on, have other options, and don't want to fu*k about any longer when it's clearly pointless?
How can I get the power back here? Any advice on my next move?
. You probably could only have appeared slightly more undesirable to her than you already do if you so tried to make it worse, and I'm just saying it so it'll get into your head and you'll realise it.
