Been balling my eyes out the last few hours..

[Jhcl4000]

The 32 y/o I've been seeing for almost half a year (was FWB's for a while then it went to actual dating, at least for me) and I had a bit of a "talk."

Her: I don't know how to say this...
Me: Just say it.
Her: I'm afraid that I'm going to break your heart.. I've been wanting to talk to you for a couple weeks now because I saw your behavior change and you've seemed to be getting more emotionally attached.

She told me a bunch of things, and I told her a bunch of things..

She told me:

She told me she's been stopping herself from getting emotionally attached to me and was thinking of breaking "it" off a month ago because she started to catch some feelings.
She cares for me and brought it up because she wanted us to be on the same page about where we're at.
She loves me at this point, but isn't "in" love with me.
We're at two different points in our lives.
She isn't ready for a relationship/bad timing.
Our differences (her being extroverted, me being more introverted (which she labeled "social differences" and said I'm kinda quiet when we go out with her friends, even though I told her that the only times I've been quiet were when I was having personal problem that had nothing to do with her - so I guess those two times are engraved in her mind) me not having a steady job, being in college, and not being completely independent).
Told me that in relationships she gets demanding and would start acting like my mother, and doesn't want me to end up hating her and wants me to be able to think back to my experiences with her and think of them as positive, and that she doesn't want me to think of her as just the girl who broke my heart.
Told me that she brought this conversation up just hoping to "put the brakes on" and didn't realize that my feelings were so deep for her (or that what went down would go down).
If we DO stop seeing each other she's going to miss me, and told me not to think that she doesn't have any feelings for me, because she does.
Said she wants to keep seeing me/f*cking me but, once again, isn't ready for/doesn't want an exclusive relationship (even though she admitted to seeing only me for the last 4-5 months).
Numerous times during this conversation she said that she wished she wouldn't have brought this up at all, because even though she wanted to talk about it, she didn't think it would be like this (didn't think my feelings would be so deep), and didn't want to ruin what we've had.
Also said that if she was 10 years younger she wouldn't hesitate to pursue a relationship with me.

I told her:

She asked me if I was in love with her and I told her that I've been falling for her/am in love with her.
That her dating other guys and me knowing this while still seeing her would crush me even further.
Pretty much told her a ton of other things regarding my feelings - that I don't know what to do, that if we keep seeing each other and she does find another guy it would hurt even more than it does now, that I want to be with her, that I don't want it to be over, that I wanted her to meet my friends/family and for us to go on trips and do more things together ect..

We also talked about how her sh*tty childhood (supposedly she was berated and ignored a lot) and bad relationship with her alcoholic father has probably, which I've known about for some months, caused her to find abusive relationships normal (she got out of a LTR about a year ago where the guy was an alcoholic, drug-user, emotional abusive, and reminded her of her father, and before that another guy who was also a drug-user), but healthy relationships without a sh*tload of push/pull and abuse don't trigger the same intense feelings/emotions in her or don't/haven't worked out (like RIGHT NOW).

We both cried.. A lot... And acknowledged the fact that if we do keep seeing each other things are probably not going to be exactly the same. Told me to call her if I needed to talk and that she'd check in with me in a few days.

I truly thought that she had been giving me signals of wanting something more for a while now.

She said she doesn't want it to be over either/wants to keep seeing me.. And I know what I SHOULD do in this situation, but Christ... I want to keep seeing her so f*cking bad....

 

[st_99]

How old r u?

 

[Jhcl4000]

21.

 

[st_99]

Oh, not to worry. You'll be laughing about all this eventually and wanting to punch yourself for acting like a douche over nothing. You obviously have a lot to learn and go through. No biggie. I've been there.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Grow some balls. Your acting like a b#tch. All the material you need is on this website. Stop crying and go read it.

 

[Jhcl4000]

I appreciate the tough love and all.. But this was the first girl I've actually fallen for. And I've read the DJ bible (a while ago), but it doesn't change the fact that this f*cking hurts.

 

[Aaron B]

bro, you gotta learn how to "whatever"

she gets all serious with the sitdown, you gotta be all "whatever"

 

[shizz702]

This too shall pass.

Believe it or not like some of the fellas here are saying you will soon forget about this and laugh it off.

I know it hurts. I've been there. We all go through it. Each time you do you will grow stronger and more resistant to emotional attachment and be all the better for it.

All you can do right now is grieve and give yourself some time. It's going to take some time to get back up and get back at it. So don't be too hard on yourself, just give it some time.

 

[Slickster]

The conversation should've gone like this:

Her: I don't know how to say this...
Me: Just say it.
Her: I'm afraid that I'm going to break your heart.. I've been wanting to talk to you for a couple weeks now.....
Me: Wait a minute. You don't have to continue with this.
Her: But...
Me: No it's cool. I get it. I know what you are about to say. We don't have to have this conversation.
Her: But...
Me: No don't worry about it. It's all good.

Stand up, smile, kiss her on the forehead, and walk out. "See you around!"

The aftermath should go like this:

- No matter how much pain you are in DO NOT SHOW IT to her.
- Take that pain and use it to build an impenetrable wall around your heart. Promise yourself that you will never let a woman hurt you like this again.
- No contact by you at all. NONE!
- No dwelling on the past. NONE!
- Get yourself back out there NOW! No sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Not for one fcuking second! Get back on the horse and start meeting and dating NEW women immediately! Date as many as you can. THIS is how you heal!
- When your ex contacts you again, (notice I didn't say "if") you must be cool and collected. You must also be far too busy to talk to her. A quick hello and how's it going and then sorry but we're gonna have to catch up later because I have to go meet someone.
- The next time she contacts you, much of the same.
- When you finally do have a conversation with her you must be completely cool and "over it". She needs to realize that you are completely unfazed and happy. If she asks feel free to reveal that you have been dating. Only if she asks.
- At some point she will attempt to get nostalgic about your relationship. She will try to suck you into showing your emotions and reveal you still have feelings. Do not bite. Tell her things happen for a reason and you are ok with it. End this conversation if it goes down this road.
- Eventually your ex will learn that you have been seeing other women and will feel unsure about her decision to break up with you. She may show up at your door in the middle of the night begging to have you back. She may just stick to her guns and move on. THIS IS THE TURNING POINT. Whatever happens you CANNOT give her the opportunity to hurt you again. If she is wanting you back and you want to fcuk her again fine. However under no circumstances must she EVER feel as though she "has" you back. Reveal nothing of your feelings for her. She must be made to feel uncertain about your relationship going forward. When she whines or cries about this remember the pain you felt when she broke your heart. She deserves no sympathy at this point. Give her nothing!
- At some point she may go absolutely bat-sh!t hysterical on you because of your lack of emotion towards her and your relationship. This is the point where you decide whether you want to continue with her or not. It is up to you. If you decide to continue then the door to your heart can open just a crack at this point. The road back to where you trust her with it again should be LONG and cautious.
- Whether it is her or some other girl always maintain the ability to walk away at any given moment. She needs to know it too. Never place your happiness or well being in a woman's hands again. You make YOURSELF complete. You make HER complete. Nothing else.
- Love and relationships can be tough. To be good at it you must be able to access that cold, hard, tough, side of yourself at a moments notice. She needs to know you will slam the door to your heart shut the instant she fvcks up. The threat of you being "gone" should always be there. If she decides to leave then your attitude must be "Good riddance".



There you have it. 20 years of relationship break-up advice. Take what you can and apply it to your FUTURE relationships. This one is over.

The moment you have "the talk" any chance of the relationship working out is gone. You may get back together again but it will never work in the long run. You've played your cards and there's no turning back.

Good luck.

 

[rhcp83]

I understand being hurt, but crying? Men don't cry, unless a close relative or friend died or something.

 

[3countriesPlan]

wow that whole post was total faggotry. Dude, it doesn't matter what she says, her h0 azz is leaving you so go ahead and charge her to the game, and get on down to the local bar to score some one night stands which will leave you feeling like sh1t but will start you on the road to recovery. After blowing through a few HB6s you'll feel better and be able to get on with your life. Trust me on this, after awhile you won't even attach any importance to the events you are currently going through.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

JH.

My Christmas Present to you!

http://macklessonsradio.com/index/episode-274-handling-breakups-

 

[Fela Kuti]

I understand being hurt, but crying? Men don't cry, unless a close relative or friend died or something.

sorry but that's bullsh1t

 

[Jhcl4000]

sorry but that's bullsh1t

I just couldn't stop it. I couldn't believe how f*cking hurt I was. I couldn't stop myself from crying and opening up to her like she was opening up to me.

I keep f*cking seeing her in my mind whenever I close my eyes. I keep f*cking thinking about all the amazing times we had. Our first date, our first kiss, how awesome we were together and how perfect everything was when we were together.

I feel like I lost someone. Like a loved one died. My emotions are all over the place right now..

 

[Fela Kuti]

sorry to hijack, but if your girl call or text you and ask you to meet and have "a talk" and you're sure it's gonna be a breakup talk, what should you do? should you say, "don't bother. i know how it'll end. well, take care" right at that moment or should you meet her anyway?

to the OP, it's okay to cry and feel sad for now, but as soon as possible you should realize that some things are just not meant to be. and a better woman will surely come along, mate.

 

[PokerStar]

this I guess would be an example of not to emotionally invest in women. when you do, i guess you end up like OP.

Your heart torn out, step on and left for the scavengers to eat.

Time heals all wounds my friend.

IT'S TIME FOR AN UPGRADE.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

sorry to hijack, but if your girl call or text you and ask you to meet and have "a talk" and you're sure it's gonna be a breakup talk, what should you do? should you say, "don't bother. i know how it'll end. well, take care" right at that moment or should you meet her anyway?

You say you don't have time to meetup and ask her what is on her mind. When she breaks up or comes up with whatever excuse you say that's wasup and hang up. Then start no contact.

 

[Jariel]

Check out the post in my signature on handling rejection and being dumped. Lots of inspiring stories in that thread about winning back exes.

In short, you have to act like you don't care now and turn the tables. She's asking to keep you in her life, which gives you a big advantage and means you have a slight possibility of redeeming yourself. You simply refuse to be there for her, ignore her texts and show her that you can move on without being clingy.

Next time she calls. Ignore it. Next time she texts or emails, just reply with something casual like:

"Look, I think things got blown out of proportion the other night. No one likes to be rejected and it just came as a shock. But I've been thinking about it since and you're right. We're just totally different people and it would never have worked in the long run. You're a great girl and I enjoyed our time together. No hard feelings babe."

And once you've said this, don't initiate any contact at all.

Try to make it sound like you're rejecting her and letting her down gently. Despite your instincts to grovel and beg and just stop the pain you're feeling, you need to show indifference. Act as if you're not into her any more. Picture her as some fat ugly chick who's been stalking you and think about how you would respond to her - i.e. polite, yet dismissive.

Don't get sucked into her drama. If she lays on any guilt, challenges or insults you. If she texts you to say hi, see how you're doing or to hand out, wait a day or two and reply with something like "Sorry I didn't reply, just been a bit busy lately. Hope you're good."

The temptation now is to chase after her, try to change for her, try to put things right, but this will scare her off forever. This kind of supplication and overbearing interest is what's put her off in the first place.

 

[rhcp83]

The temptation now is to chase after her, try to change for her, try to put things right, but this will scare her off forever. This kind of supplication and overbearing interest is what's put her off in the first place.

That's what happened with my first. (We weren't official, but were exclusively seeing each other.)

I got needy and was TOO interested in her, she gave me the friends speech...so I used that as a way to try to get her back...when we hung out, would try to kiss her, didn't give her space etc. . Then I saw her cold side...not outright cold, but implicitly cold. Like I'd call her (when she said she wanted to be friends) just to say hi and make small talk, and her tone of voice is almost like "You called me just to say that?" and realized it was over for good and suffered for a while.

The bad news? I'm still not over her to this day. (I'm over her in the don't contact her, definitely want other women way, but still think about her often, mostly about the physical attraction I had for her.) The good news...like I said, you'll want another, better girl in the near future.

It stings right now, but it's just a gut reaction.

I also feel that if around the time that was going on, I met a girl I had similar attraction for or anything close, that it would have healed things much faster. I remember going on a coffee date with this girl and having a great time, but she was just in town visiting her family then going back to an area nowhere near me. I feel like if she had been local, or I met someone like that, that it would have healed the wounds quicker.

People will say "Go bang 10 other women" or something...but the problem the OP is facing is that he feels the woman is special. I hope it isn't to the point where he feels NO woman will live up to her. If that's the case it's going to take longer to heal. But I think completely dropping contact, not trying to get her back, and not taking her back if she comes back, and looking for a new girl, is the best thing to do.

This will sting for a while, though. I just don't understand the crying.

 

[Jhcl4000]

Well this hydrocodone I just took sure took some of the pain away. Too bad it's gonna wear off in a couple hours..