Back in the game at 31 and don't know what to do

[Jariel]

Hi Don Juans, I used to be a regular poster here around 2-3 years ago and I'm sure some of the old veterans remember me. Hope everyone is fine and the DJ spirit is alive and well.

I was with my girlfriend for about 3 years and I guess I just lost interest and felt it was time to move on. So here I am, looking to get back in the game and figured it's about time I checked in on this place again.

Now I'm in my 30s and don't mix with the same circles I used to. I'm no longer at university, and I work for myself at home...alone. My life has certainly become less sociable lately and I'm very rusty when it comes to talking to women...or strangers in general.

I went out the other night and caught some good looking women checking me out throughout the night. There was a time pre-sosuave when fear was my biggest obstacle and I'd bottle out, but this time, I had no shakes, no sweaty palms and felt pretty comfortable with the idea. My problem this time was knowing what to say.

The only things that came to mind were corny chat up lines that had no follow up or just boring day to day trivialities. At one point a girl actually came and started talking to me, I neg hit her a few times, asked her where she's from and how often she went there, then my mind drew a blank.

In fact, my on the spot thinking has become very poor lately whether it's male, female, young or old, I just can't think of anything to say except mundane cliched questions about their work, where they're from etc. I fear this is the result of my unsociable lifestyle and letting my conversational skills and interractions go unpractised.

Another thing I'm having trouble with is my age. I know it shouldn't be an issue and I know a lot of girls love an older man, but there is this little voice in my head that keeps telling me "you're too old to be acting like this" or "she's too young for you".

I don't expect all the answers laid down for me, but if you could point me towards some valuable threads, books or give me some ideas how to get back on form I'd truly appreciate it!

 

[asid76]

Check the DJ Bible, its linked somewhere on the site, I forget at the moment where exactly. I joined as a "chump" in March and now after going through the bible, I am LESS of a chump, haha. I still have some reading to do and a long way to go but I am doing way better overall. There is so much good information there.

In a nutshell: be an alpha male, show that you don't "need" that beautiful woman, that in fact SHE will be be the one benefiting if she hooks up with you. Act like you have "options" meaning act as if you have tons of other beauties if the one you are talking to isn't interested. And always have jokes. Women like jokes. Dress interestingly and be clean and well-groomed. Keep the convo slightly sexual and fun. And I think the working for yourself thing will also be quite a turn-on, so let them know what you do for a living and how independent you are.

Anyhow, read the DJ Bible, you will be glad you did.

 

[STR8UP]

Another thing I'm having trouble with is my age. I know it shouldn't be an issue and I know a lot of girls love an older man, but there is this little voice in my head that keeps telling me "you're too old to be acting like this" or "she's too young for you".

Not the "I'm feeling too old" issue again.....

Dude, I'll be 37 in a couple of months.

I have a 22 yr old fashion major that has wanted a relationship with me for 2 years.

Last weekend I had one model I was working with (about 24 yo, "8") flirting incessantly. My friends saw what was going on and they were like, "You better hit that OR ELSE! That chick wants you."

Another model, a 23 yr old "9" invited me to hang out after the show. Matter of fact, I need to call both of these girls in a few minutes....

 

[thedeparted]

I'm in a similar position. The problem is not age, but isolation and lack of direction.

I suggest joining some groups that you like where you feel comfortable. For me it was Mensa, Sierra Club, and college alum Club. These are not for finding woman. These are for increasing confidence and expanding your social circle among peers.

Then sit down and think what you want to do with your life and go do it. I joined the NRA b/c I want to get a concealed carry permit and need some firearms training. Took a yoga class b/c I need to offset all the time I spend sitting at a computer. Will take a master cooking course in winter b/c I want to have the skill. Etc.

Once you create this life for yourself you have things to talk about besides work and you are more interesting. Young women basically want adventures. They want guys to take them out of their boring stupid mindless analytical world of female bvll**** and show them something new and exciting. If you can take them on a sierra club hike, or camping trip, or to the shooting range, or whatever, it's more value than the next guy staring into his beer has to offer.

One other thing -- Now is a great time to explore all your sex fantasies that your ex would not indulge. You can find sites online to meet these women. They will be in their 30's usually, but they will be kinky as hell. I feel sorry for any guy who got married at 25 and has to live a vanilla existence until she dies or divorces him. So think of what you want to do and go find a girl to do it. That will make YOUR life more exiting by far.

 

[thedeparted]

Also, I just got The Mystery Method and have to say it's excellent. It distills the stuff you'll find here into something clear and actionable. It's worth $20 for the insight it gives and the motivation it provides.

You will understand the basic 1.2.3 formula -- 1. attraction 2. comfort 3. seduction -- and instead of wondering what to say you'll already be doing it. And you'll know what and why you're doing and you'll quickly see the mistakes you make.

For example, you may be putting comfort before attraction, trying to be nice before you are interesting, resulting in no response on her part.

So I'd say go buy that book today and read it as the best way to get started. And PM me if you want to discuss it b/c we are in the same boat.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks for the responses. I have read the DJ Bible many times in the past which is great for inner game and finding the right mentality, but my biggest problem at the moment is thinking on my feet. I just don't know what to say when I approach a woman and I always end up boring her with Q+A sessions - what's your name? where you from? what music you like? blah blah. The conversations actually bore me to be honest!

What kind of topics do you talk about when you approach girls in bars and clubs? How quickly do you transition from introductions into something more flirtatious? And how?

As for the age issue, it isn't so much a question of "Can I get a girl in her early 20s?" as I have girls as young as 16 hitting on my sometimes, but with any girl under 25 I always end up feeling like a babysitter or guardian. This was one of the issues I had with my GF (who is 23).

As for the Mystery Method, I have gone through it before and it has some good advice, but I always felt it leans too much towards acting and formulas. I will take another look though, same with the DJ Bible, and see if I can pick out anything useful.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Hey Jariel

Try internet dating. The quality is better than it used to be and you can line up three dates a week. That will give you all the conversation, flirting practice you need and once you get that out of the way you will be sharp and ready for hitting the bars again.

 

[Interceptor]

Jariel, how come you're not looking for women that inspire you and impress you?

You're coming from a place of inadequacy.
Stop looking for pickup lines and tips and tricks. Work on your attitude.
Stop trying to impress women. BE impressive.

 

[thedeparted]

Well, in defense of Mystery, having canned material solves precisely the problem you are describing, Jariel. The key is that is is YOUR canned material.

I did standup comedy for awhile, and although it's made to look spontaneous, you sweat blood and tears over your material, timing, delivery, etc. It may take ten or twenty sets before it really kills. It would be unthinkable to approach the mike and just try to wing it from scratch. You could not write under that pressure. However, just b/c it's rehearsed doesn't make it generic. It is always YOUR material, and never someone else's, (unless you are a low life).

So in cold approaches what I've done is take note of stuff that has popped out of my mouth that girls liked and thought was funny and incorporated that into my routine, just like I did as a stand-up. So when approaching I'm not trying to write new material on the fly. I've got a menu of good stuff to choose from that they've never heard before.

Further, you may invent something good on the spot. Do you then reuse it the rest of the night? Why not? The new girls never heard it before. If the first one liked it, beat the hell out of that line the rest of the night, definitely if you change venues. You think Robin Williams throws out a joke after one performance? He keeps using it for the next twenty years.

Remember, the opener is to set the hook and ESTABLISH VALUE. That's it. The problem with your lame openers is they make you look like a low value man. Given your instincts to be "nice" you are waaaaaay better off with something canned that supresses those counter-productive urges.

P.S. In plenty of states 16 is legal. If so, hit that fresh pvssy for me. You gotta get rid of the feeling that there is something wrong with desiring fresh and fertile young women.

 

[Sandow]

Give it time. Of course your gonna be rusty, but after awhile you'll be your old self again. Just be patient.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks for the replies. Hope you're all having a good weekend. I've gone through an attitude adjustment since the last time I posted and getting back into my former mindset...just being pleasant, positive and outgoing.

I figure we are all in this life together, why should we fear speaking to our fellow man or woman? I've started making lighthearted conversations with strangers, smiling at people and thinking compassionately. I even sat next to an old man on a park bench the other day and had a little chat. He was so happy for someone to talk to I think I made his day, and that felt good.

I went out on the town tonight and it was just one of those great nights where I felt like every woman was checking me out, eye contact and smiles every direction I turned and just a good vibe.

I spoke to 3 women I saw checking me out, made them smile, gave them a bit of cheek, flirted and they were pleased to give me their numbers (all 3). I didn't even think about what I was going to say and I didn't plan my approach, I just stayed positive and upbeat and went with the flow.

I didn't even say hello or anything to the one girl, I just asked "Can I see your tattoo?" and went from there.

This week has felt good and tonight it just came flooding back to me.

 

[Jariel]

Just to add, I think I was taking myself too seriously before now...too focused on being alpha, cool, witty and dynamic. It's good to loosen up and be a bit cheeky.

 

[Phyzzle]

Not long ago, I chatted up a woman by saying, "they're having a bug camp!" She was confused for a moment, but I went on to say that a big group of kids was crawling around with magnifying glasses looking for bugs over at the local park. I said, I wish I could join them, because that sounds great.

Just have little stories like that ready (Routines? Perhaps.) You really should get five minutes in before you ask where ya from, and all that.

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

I was inclined to post because you were here during my more furvent posting time period. Welcome back!

Glad to see you are still around, alive, and doing well.

My advocacy is not for 'game', although if you're continuous player of the game, you become one with it, never leave it, and therefore your whole identity is literally of being a player.

I've always read the material from David D, Mystery, Doc Love, Ross Jeffries, I've just never used it. Truth be told, I've found a more ME-centered approach based on solid philosophy that permeates my total life is a better, more lasting approach to women.

In my opinion, people seek to congregate with other people who just exude LIFE...LOVE...ENERGY...FOCUS. Such people are present to the moment, yet relaxed. It isn't some 'act', because the unexpected will eventually break the act, and an act is VERY hard to keep up. Identities only change through consistent 'acts' through belief and passion.

I would venture a guess that Heath Ledger became the Joker through belief and passion. He was able to twist his ego and self-image into the role of being the Joker and what he represented.

FIRST, create the all-encompassing foundation that will be you, through and through. A man of LIFE, of LOVE, of Energy and passion seizes moments. He's HERE and NOW. So when that, 7, 8, 9, 10 is randomly at XYZ club on 8/08/08, you know THAT moment, THAT encounter, THAT girl, will NEVER appear again. Now approach boldness, knowing that THIS moment will never happen again and you want to MAXIMIZE it by acting your emotions. Don't listen to that INNER voice, which is what ALOT of positive-thinging and game lines seek to do...quell your inner negative voice.

The YOU that wants that woman, is entirely different from that voice saying negative crap, or even worrying about WHAT to say.

Ever wonder what the mindset behind David D is? Guys who don't GET what he spins, just across like A-holes. Rather the guy who that is, is just a playful, alive guy who enjoys life and see's his moments with women as a unique, random, blessing and occurrence. They spin it positively, because that's who they are, and that's what they want.

You can't just randomly grab PUA material and slap it on to an underlying NEED or RATTLED interior. Eventually like a beaten down car sporting new rims and a system, it WILL break down, and you'll just have an expensive piece of crap.

Find philosophy books. Enjoy life. See the moments. Realize the moment and power of NOW. This moment. Reading this, and all these comments. YOU control WHAT you feel, so who cares if a girl says no? You want THE girl who says yes. The girls who say no don't even matter. Since they said no, they are of no concern TO your reality, and therefore, don't exist, since they don't want to be a part of it anyways.

I only have my old sources, which I've read or re-read, but the only way to change the information IN the game, is for YOU to change. Suprisingly, BEING your TRUE self, not the one imposed by outsiders or even your youth is the best and most successful path.

Women are EASY. It's the FEAR that most guys place upon them that's hard. Mostly its the MAN's MIND versus HIMSELF. It's in HIS mind he creates all the crap he now must overcome. It's the RULES the needs to defeat his mind. They are ALL crutches to get by his mind. But guess what?

That mind will always be there, so the problems will always come back, and therefore you will always NEED the rules and information of PUA pundits. The only reason Neil Strauss superceded the game was because he no longer NEEDED the rules to defeat his mind. The rules and gaming skills were a bridge to defeating the mind.

The movie Revolver was referenced on this site, and in it Jason Stratham does the OPPOSITE of what his inner voice says just to defeat the ego. Had he listened to his Ego, he'd be dead, because it was going to lead him to death through its choices. But he didn't and he lived. Guys here must do the same.

You were born with a blank slate. Positively or negatively, that slate was filled with supportive or destructive thoughts, depending on your inherent birth state, family, teachers, peers, etc. Those who immediately had what they needed to be effective, had immediate success. Those who didn't, have wallowed around thinking it was the stars bad luck that has caused this. People follow their inner voice, never countering it, rarely changing or deviating from it. But that's just what the UNSUCCESSFUL man must do, because his inner voice has given him the inner plan and its just not working.

Do the opposite. No joke.

You literally can be IN the game now, laying the girls you want, RIGHT now, but its your mind begging for pacification, for answers, for which none ever exist for an appreciable amount of time. It has a never-end appetite and is forever insecure. It bolsters itself with attachments and identifications, because the EGO literally created the world which we perceive, and it knows at death, it is done for, so while it's here, it must do all it can to make it the best it can. But when you realize, at your death bed, nothing you own, you do, or you had, matters, you then realize there's more to life than things, money, or job titles. And even if you get the big $$$, doing nothing good with it makes the whole acquisition all the more unimportant.

The gap of being in the game as you desire to be and out of it, its created by your mind. Drop all you think you know about the game and get in it. It isn't a game. Heck that can even be your gimmic if you want. Point is, the best of the best aren't actors, don't need books or systems to pull chicks. They are nice. They give insight into the mindset of other's, but they will never be enough.

Books I've loved...

Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously - Osho
The Book of Secrets - Osho
Awareness
The Power of Now
The Disapperance of the Universe
David D
Doc Love
David Deida
Iron John

...there's a bunch more, but I'm not at home... I'll add some more up later...the point is realizing, we don't need the books or knowledge to BE what we want to be, only the choice...the books and knowledge are just a trap, because once you begin thinking you NEED them, you are never good enough, because there's always going to be MORE information...again, another trick of the ego/mind that keeps men as its slave...

A-Unit

 

[Micheal Moon]

Great post A1

 

[HB_Hunter]

Oh man....Hey Dan...how ya doing man ? been long way long since i posted on this site . I must say living a natural , cultivating inner game is so much better , easier and makes you enjoy life and go with the flow . However the reason im bumping this is as i told you before man , i face this alot even if i ain t 31 myself lol . So lately , i have been reading tips and formulas and trying as before to read as much as possible when i face this which isn t a good thing but to get confident i do that then get frustrated later cz i read something that s supposed to be natural .

let s say im going out with a bunch or a date and since being a doctor and studying for the boards i get isolated alot and study alot ..(bad for the social game thingie) . what shall i do ? im destined for that cause i know that once i go out , meet frds , talk with ppl , live a natural life . i don't face this anymore . but the problem happens when you are stuck and need to be studying and only socialize at facebook haha . so i hate it when i don't find topics to talk about , feel that huge pressure to keep the conversation going especially if with a hot chick that i want to escalate with .

so is there any other answers other than go with the flow , take small steps , get that social life back again cz this works with me and this is when i feel comfortable , problem is as i told you guys when im studying 2,3 weeks in a row and have this party , date coming right after ...no time to get the social treadmill going in order to be at my top game..you know ? do you find yourself going back to old tips here Jariel ? or what do you do ?

 

[HB_Hunter]

Oh man....Hey Dan...how ya doing man ? been long way long since i posted on this site . I must say living a natural , cultivating inner game is so much better , easier and makes you enjoy life and go with the flow . However the reason im bumping this is as i told you before man , i face this alot even if i ain t 31 myself lol . So lately , i have been reading tips and formulas and trying as before to read as much as possible when i face this which isn t a good thing but to get confident i do that then get frustrated later cz i read something that s supposed to be natural .

let s say im going out with a bunch or a date and since being a doctor and studying for the boards i get isolated alot and study alot ..(bad for the social game thingie) . what shall i do ? im destined for that cause i know that once i go out , meet frds , talk with ppl , live a natural life . i don't face this anymore . but the problem happens when you are stuck and need to be studying and only socialize at facebook haha . so i hate it when i don't find topics to talk about , feel that huge pressure to keep the conversation going especially if with a hot chick that i want to escalate with .

so is there any other answers other than go with the flow , take small steps , get that social life back again cz this works with me and this is when i feel comfortable , problem is as i told you guys when im studying 2,3 weeks in a row and have this party , date coming right after ...no time to get the social treadmill going in order to be at my top game..you know ? do you find yourself going back to old tips here Jariel ? or what do you do ?

 

[zekko]

Dude, believe me: At 31, you are not too old.