Avoiding disappointing the ladies...

[Beethoven]

Hey all!

This is a great site, I love it, so many questions answered... But not this one that I have, so I thought I'd ask you all here.

First, some quick background info about me. I'm 26, not bad looking, confident, reasonably funny (sometimes intentionally! ), so I shouldn't have too much problem attracting ladies.

But, when I was 17 up til I was 25, I spent some time as a born-again Christian. Which was fun, but now, even 6 months after I quit that religion (cause I didn't believe any more) I have a turbo-charged conscience.

Basically, I just want to meet some girls, get to know them, like them, have some sexual fun with them etc. All of which would be no problem. But every girl I start doing stuff with wants to become my girlfriend after a few weeks, and I feel lousy cause I'm not willing to tie myself down to just one girl yet.

Now when I even try to speak to girls, I feel really bad, cause I know that if she likes me, I'm just going to disappoint her by turning out to be 'unavailable' as a boyfriend, and make her feel rejected. So I tense up, and that makes me UNattractive, so I can't pull any more.

I'd love to just not care about their feelings, but I can't see that happening any time soon... So - any advice?

-> Beethoven

 

[matius]

Try telling them what you're thinking. Let them decide if they want to go with your flow. That will enable you to drop the guilt you feel.

Sounds like you've got a good mindset...

 

[Dirtheart]

I know where you are coming from. There are a number of women I know who have feelings for me, some of which are actually very hot, but for one reason or another I don't see them as long term relationship material. I know that if I fooled around with them and didn't want any more, I'd hurt them. I know how this feels and wouldn't want to inflict it on them so personally, I'm ruling out casual sex and looking for someone I do see as LTR material instead.

It sounds to me like you need to do the opposite and simply find someone who wants the same as you. Check clubs for some loose wh0res or look for the outrageous and flirty types.

 

[Austin Allegro]

Welcome Beethoven.

I have had similar experiences, and still do to a certain extent.

I went through the whole evangelical thing between the ages of 15 to about 25. US readers might not realise that committed Christians in the UK are now very rare, and those that there are tend to have very strict views on sex outside marriage.

While I still believe in 'him upstairs' to an extent, it has left me with a lot of AFC hangups about relationships - that casual sex is wrong, disrespectful, manipulative etc. I used to avoid relations with women unless I was sure that they were 'the one'. All this meant was I got more and more frustrated, because every time I thought I'd met 'the one', I would blow it and feel more bitter.

I think one thing that is helpful to realise is that many women don't feel this way! I have had many casual flings with women, and only one or two of them ever got upset because I didn't end up committing to them. I think as women get older they get more mature about this sort of thing.

The bottom line is DON'T worry about women feeling rejected etc. You MUST NOT become needy. Women go into these relationships with you as adults with their eyes open and they should be old enough to realise not every fling ends in a fairy tale romance.

You could also try concentrating on all the *****y, manipulative things that women do to men - not to make you hate them, but just to realise they are not goddesses to be worshipped, just human beings like you and me.

Just take each opportunity as it comes. Some women you might never want to see again, others you might like, but as soon as you set up expectations and long term plans you are doomed to failure.

 

[DJ Alejandro]

hey, man. it doensn't hurt to believe in something. believe me, ive been there. think of it this way, if there was a God and you believed, when you die, you win. if not, you don't lose either. but if there was and you didn't, you lose. period.

okay, to your issue, ive been there. in fact, im coping up with it right now. you should try to tame down a little. not in the sense that you stop doing whatever you do that attracts them, it's just that maybe you should tone down on pressing ALL of their buttons but rather just a few so you dont get them TOO hurt for making them hope.

 

[Yotsuya-san]

Originally posted by DJ Alejandro
hey, man. it doensn't hurt to believe in something. believe me, ive been there. think of it this way, if there was a God and you believed, when you die, you win. if not, you don't lose either. but if there was and you didn't, you lose. period.

This may just be me but I'm not sure I see the logic behind this one.

 

[cffrmw]

it's like this:

if you believe in god
- and he exists you go to heaven (win)
- and he doesnt exist you just die (lose)

if you don't believe in god
- and he exists you go to hell (lose)
- and he doesnt exist you just die (lose)

so the only chance you have of "winning" is to believe

 

[Crank_It_Up]

it's harder for girls to be sexual but not exclusive cause our society labels them as a slut... sad but true. Being sexual and exclusive is engrained in them. You have 3 choices, find one that you won't mind being exclusive with, or keep searching till you find some that aren't exclusive, or just turn gay instead.