Attack on the World

[TheFixer14]

I decided to go ahead an make my own journal just to keep myself accountable. The last few days have been a little rough. But I've been getting stronger because of it. I go through life li

Journal Entry #1. I have a kinda big job interview today. It's a high paying job in Beverly Hills. Getting would mean a lot of things for me. The last few months have been a bit annoying since I lost my hotel gig. I saved up enough money that I didn't have to work for a month and just focused on my art and acting career. And that seasonal job helped a little bit. But after not working for two weeks I am at the end of my financial rope. I had started a master acting class as a gift from my mom. But it looks like I am going to have to get a refund in order to make sure I can stay afloat into the paychecks from my upcoming jobs come in. I talked to the acting school and they said that they don't give refunds, but since my situation is big that they would give me half (which would be enough) and I could come back with that half and join the class again. I am trying to see if I could do some sort of payment plan so that I can stay in the class. After just one class, one workshop, and observing the highest leveled class I have already learned so much that I am applying not only to my acting, but my directing and life. That is one of the reasons why I love this profession. It makes you really understand and become your true authentic self.

I have a job setup with orientation starting next week. It's decent and there's food. But I rather view it as something temporary/just in case. I have two more opportunities at two big restaurants as a server so I am eyeing those.

The biggest opportunities that I have are with my acting and filmmaking career. I have a callback on Friday for a film that I auditioned for a few months ago. I will know right then and there if I get the part. I'm not really thinking about it and I plan to use all of my available skills and tools to win the role. Callbacks are tricky. If you get one that means that they want to work with you. But they want to see if you would be someone that they could stand being around for 12 hours a day.

It's not a huge movie, it's an indie film. But it pays well enough to take care of my expensive, it's a pretty big role too and good for my career.

The main thing that is happening in the development on my feature film that I wrote and will also direct and star in. Before this one I was developing a more decidedly non main stream film. I have decided to just make that into a graphic novel with my creative partner (a lovely, but quirky young woman with talent beyond her years), and make it after this film which is more mainstream. It wasn't really my intent to do that. But it was the story that I wanted to tell.

My manager/producer (he runs a production company) says it's his favorite script that he's gotten in a while. We are also developing a graphic novel for this as well. I've been massaging the story as he works on the executive summary to start pitching it to financers. He has one big meeting coming up so our plan will be more clear too.

I am also working on another graphic novel that we want to get turned into a serious animated series. Once my creative partner finishes the first six pages for the first feature film idea that got turned into a graphic novel and the graphic novel that will become an animated show we will be sending them off to publishers and then work on the new one. Being a published author already gives me confidence that these projects will be able to find a home.

I had a few voice over auditions for Toyota recently. I have auditioned for big companies before like Disney, Warner Brothers, Nike, Coors Light, Quiznos, and etc. And I always felt as far as voice over work goes that doing character stuff suit me the best (I'm still in the running for a big reboot that will be on Disney Junior), but I never dug commercials. However, this time I felt that I really got it.

I keep learning just how truly alone we are. Not the "I am lonely" alone. But alone in that we really don't have anyone who will take care of us. I asked for a loan from my mom, money for my dad and a cousin. And so far none are willing to help, my cousin wouldn't even answer my text. To be fair him and I did have a falling out and I don't really care about him anymore. My mom would be the most likely to help out. But her attitude has been annoying the hell out of me. And my dad has always been a bum.

This is a cruel world. We are out here to fend for ourselves. The majority of the world doesn't care if you live or die, even your parents don't care if you can't pay rent. So we must fight. Use adversity as motivation to get stronger.

I was starting to feel sorry for myself last night, something that I rarely do. So I began to read the Full Metal Alchemist manga. I watched the anime and found it extremely inspiring. But never really read the manga. It helped me shift back into the right mindset. An incredible journey with crazy ups and downs. That's Full Metal Alchemist. But that's also life.

Oh and women? I haven't even really thought about them. Not even jerking off right now. I am all about me.

 

[TheFixer14]

Sometimes, I feel a sort of frustration. I can't put words on it.

There's a Nine Inch Nails song that sums it up decently:

"I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fvck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters"

Almost like I want to consume as much as I possibly can, while I can, just for the fvcking sake of it.

Not sure if you would call that an 'attack on the world' or what have you. But your thread made me think of that.

Funny that you used Nine Inch Nails lyrics. I relate to his earlier stuff a lot. Especially once I turned 21.

Funny, that guy started a band by himself and played every instrument. I get his desire to grab life and demand more of it.

Attack on the World is a reference to Attack on Titan though. But those lyrics tie in nicely.

 

[Floydispink01]

Your mom sounds pretty cool to give you a gift for a master acting class. She obviously has your best interests at heart.

 

[TheFixer14]

I love your passion for anime...Never could get into it but glad you can take enjoymemt from it.

LOL, okay? It's just something that my friends and I enjoy. According to a few anime fans, I am just some light weight too since I didn't get real into it until I turned 21 and because I don't know every anime ever made. But I am catching up! I am going to audition for an anime dub in a few months though.

Your mom sounds pretty cool to give you a gift for a master acting class. She obviously has your best interests at heart.

She can be. But overall she is a bit of a headache.

 

[TheFixer14]

I used to really enjoy anime. Got obsessed with one called "Berserk". Even got the tattoo:

View attachment 565

However, modern anime sucks my d*ck. It's very lame.

I used to love the manga stuff, which was sex violence and rock music. Basically this:

I haven't watched Berserk yet. But I have heard amazing things about it.

I agree that most modern anime suck. The only on going shows that I watch at Attack on Titan, One Punch Man, and Sword Art Online. The industry is a victim of its own succes.

Though the anime film your name is brilliant and it looks like it will get an Oscar nomination. And Hayo Miyazaki (the best director ever IMO) is coming out of retire for another anime film classic.

If you haven't checked out the manga V
Bakuman. I haven't the anime. But the manga is dope (same team from Death Note). It blends meta, slice of life, shounen, and romance so well.

 

[Killakittie]

I love Cowboy Bebop to this day!

 

[TheFixer14]

Don't even get me started

It takes inspiration from Shakespeare's Macbeth, and Clive Barker's Hellraiser. Can't go wrong with those for inspiration.

Yeah, I relate to a lot in that story. Hence the tatt.

Wow that sounds amazing. It's in my must watch next list!


I actually have a massive collection of old

I love Cowboy Bebop to this day!

Oh man, I watched that recently. It's no wonder so many top Hollywood directors look up to that anime. It's just so cool, mature, dark, emotional, and fun.

 

[TheFixer14]

Lol, oka y?? <Insert rant about anime> hah

I don't get people like you. Are you so unhappy that you want to stomp on others happiness? Misery loves company so this checks out.

 

[Trump]

I keep learning just how truly alone we are. Not the "I am lonely" alone. But alone in that we really don't have anyone who will take care of us. I asked for a loan from my mom, money for my dad and a cousin. And so far none are willing to help, my cousin wouldn't even answer my text. To be fair him and I did have a falling out and I don't really care about him anymore. My mom would be the most likely to help out. But her attitude has been annoying the hell out of me. And my dad has always been a bum.

This is a cruel world. We are out here to fend for ourselves. The majority of the world doesn't care if you live or die, even your parents don't care if you can't pay rent. So we must fight. Use adversity as motivation to get stronger.

Come on bro, of course no one is going to 'take care' of you. Everyone is fighting the same battles you are, and they are likely way worse off than you.

Life is not really about 'fighting'. It's about being educated and having no one take advantage of you. Without education most people will have no use for you. That's one of the reasons it's hard to be an entertainer. It's hard to get a job and people don't love you anymore after a certain age.

 

[TheFixer14]

Come on bro, of course no one is going to 'take care' of you. Everyone is fighting the same battles you are, and they are likely way worse off than you.

Life is not really about 'fighting'. It's about being educated and having no one take advantage of you. Without education most people will have no use for you. That's one of the reasons it's hard to be an entertainer. It's hard to get a job and people don't love you anymore after a certain age.

I never said that anyone would take care of me. I have been on my own since I was 21. But it's perfectly fine go ask for help. Especially from family. I'd like to meet someone who NEVER needed money from their family or anyone.

I guess we have a difference of opinion. I believe that you must fight for every inch.

And while I went to college, that was a very lame attempt at a "put down". Let me guess, you are in sales? Marketing? Not living your dream?

You've responded to a few of my post and each time I find no value.

 

[TheFixer14]

You are completely right.

When I started to really learn game, the mindset seeped elsewhere. And I realized quickly the dynamics between my friendships with men and co-workers also.

Everything in life is a value exchange. Some guys hang out with me for the entertainment I provide. Some guys from my school-years still hang out with me for the nostalgia or whatever.

There is literally always an exchange of value going on. That's just life. And part of red-pill awareness is the self-realization of that, I think.

Not with family. And if that's the case with any family then they aren't much of one.

No one should ever feel bad for asking for help. That's just stupid. If someone needed my help and I had something of value I'd give it to them. The world is cruel enough. I don't need to have that mindset. Though I do believe in equilvent exchange which is the overarching theme in Full Metal Alchemist.

 

[TheFixer14]

That all depends. Doesn't it, mate?

Listen, I'll tell you striaght. There are three people in the world I trust properly.

My Brother, My dad, and my mother. In that order.

If you're family aren't much of one, then cross them off the list and adapt accordingly.

When you consider people an option that aren't, it makes you far weaker.

I agree.

LOL

Imagine the person keep coming to you for help each month. Would become a parasite, yeah?

Live in the real world.

Always be aware of the relative exchange of value. Even if it's only your charm that gets you through.

like you said it all depends. If it's my kids or a super close friend, of course I would if I have it. It all comes back to you. At least that's how I see it.

 

[TheFixer14]

How you got that from anything I said I will never know.

It was pretty easy. Nothing you said added to the conversation. Particularly your last two comments.

 

[TheFixer14]

Maybe you're just so defensive and insecure you take compliments as insults

LOL, no. I just have great detection for self hatred. And judging by all of your posts you have a ton of issues that you haven't worked out.

 

[TheFixer14]

Yesterday was a solid day. Had a great job interview. The place pays extremely well, it's an interesting company, the interviewer really liked me. He said that he will be giving calls out today so I believe that I will be getting a call.

I have my callback today for a movie. I will know right then and there if I get the role. I visualized myself in the audition yesterday. This isn't the biggest audition of my career (the biggest would have been a now scratch HBO mini series that was going to star Casey Affleck and was being produced by Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt, and Edward Norton) but it would be good for my career.

I will be on the T.V show Veep this Tuesday for the second time. It's crazy how life works. I did an episode three years ago when the show was shot in Baltimore. And now that the show has moved to L.A I get to be on it again. I'm pretty stoked about it. I love the cast and I am actually a fan of the show.

I watched La La Land last night. A girl that I dated watched it and told me about it. At the time she followed up on how she didn't get how people couldn't go after what they want and be in relationships. I brought up the writer/director's previous film, Whiplash and how the lead character dumps his girlfriend to become a better drummer. While I was watching the film I realized that I said the totally wrong thing. The film is basically about two people who are going after their dreams (Emma Stone being acting, Ryan Gosling being music) and having a mature relationship. I suppose that's what she wanted being that she is a dancer and I am an actor/filmmaker. But alas it didn't happen.

It was a great film, Emma Stone killed it. Her final song actually brought me to tears, and I rarely cry while watching film or a t.v shows. I've only cried while watching Marely and Me, Snow Angels, an anime called Wolf's Rain, and now La La Land. The romance of the film was pretty beautiful. It's just a shame that I don't believe in that kind of romance. Though the ending was actually realistic.

After today one of two extremes will happen. I will either have some great news or a lot more work to do.

 

[TheFixer14]

Good day professionally.

I misread the date for my callback. It's tomorrow, not today. So I got one more day to get ready for that. I am actually glad for that. More on that later.

I got the job! It's the highest paying job that I've ever gotten and I start on Monday. It's for an advertising agency so I am pretty stoked. After some struggles it looks like things are on the up and up.

I had an interesting acting class today. I did my scene and my teacher started talking to me. He is easily the best acting teacher that I've ever had. He can get into my head in way that feels like he is reading my mind. He told me that I was too focused on what I thought the scene should be instead of just allowing it to happen. And when I started to allow things to happen I went back into my pre conceived notions.

I thought about this and it applies to all areas of my life. Work, women, hanging out, just everything. I am a bit of a perfectionist. I have an idea of how things should be and I want it to be this way instead of going with the flow. This issue has caused me some stress at times.

I was so mad at myself. I'm a better actor than that. But the years of training and reading on acting has got me to where I believe I have to think about things. Acting is about being in the moment. I need to just focus on my partner. That's why I am glad that my callback is actually tomorrow. I can regroup, go there and kick arse. I started to doubt myself a little bit. That maybe I am not as special as I thought I was. I look up to actors that I think are cool, badarse, and kill it in so many different roles. I may never be that. But I can still be successful and have my place. I have booked roles on films and TV shows so clearly I am capable of it. But I just need to go with the flow. And I could do with my everyday life. I worry about things being fvcked so much for no reason.

I mentioned how I do this with women too. My scene partner is a pretty cute chick. She is like 21 and from the Valley. I for sure had this pre conceived notion about her and to be honest she hasn't 100% lived down to it. But it also is partly my fault. I've been cold to her and a little distant. I thought that she was just some valley chick and a little fake. She is kinda, but it wasn't fair of me to just judge.

Anyway, this was pretty emotional for me, which is good I need it. Just tough to take in in a group of people. I need to meditate. The namesake of my acting school is having a party at a bar tonight and I'm going so maybe I'll ****.

 

[TheFixer14]

So I went to the party. It was alright. It was interesting because in acting class I don't socialize, I'm just there to focus on my sh!t. But I decided to show that side of myself. I didn't truly game as there wasn't that kind of vibe and I didn't want to be "that guy".

There were some pretty women there though. One in particular was this one chick from my class. She is like 18 or 19 and never acted until now and is from Serbia. She isn't necessarily the type of woman that I'd just want to ****. But a mixture of a her model type body, nice face, nice voice, and from what I've seen her personality (she called herself a girl so I asked how old she was. She said young so then I asked if she was over 18. She said yeah so I said that she's a woman. She said that she didn't have her period until she was 17. I laughed.) makes me attractted. I saw her and said hi. But she and her friend were on her way out. She was cool though and even showed some IOIs. But I really wasn't doing anything. I thought it was funny though that when they were ready to go to another venue she lied and said that she was going home. I barely know her enough to really catch feelings. Why not just be honest? Anyway she is pretty good looking. I doubt that I'll ask her out or even really engage in another convo with her as when I am class I just keep to myself. But that is the annoying thing about attraction. I can't fvcking help it. Attraction is truly not a choice.

This is make me think of my issues. #1 I think too much. I am always wanting to know why. This has helped me out. This has also hurt me. We talk about having to be logical and I believe that this has it's place. But I am not sure if it's the best way of going through life. I think this is why a lot mf relationships fail. Women are emotional so a guy gets her by appealing to her emotions. But then once in a relationship a lot of guys get too cerebral and it is the beginning of the end for them.

I want to stop just thinking about everything so much and do. Stop being so calculating. Life isn't going to be what I expect. But I need to embrace this. I need to stop thinking about everything so much. I need to let some things go. We can be our worst enemies huh?

#2: Wanting attention. I am not an attention wh0re in the sense that I stay away from doing things solely for attention. But I do want attention. I have never gotten a lot of it in my life. So when I go up on a stage (not too much when I am on film because I understand that the camera does a lot of the work) I am like "look at me" even though I don't have to since I am on stage.

I think that the best way through that is just authentically embracing that as well. Know it's a want I have. But don't let it rule me. Realize that I am truly enough.

This is what I love about acting. It really makes you dig into your own sh!t and see how you truly live your life.

Got my call back tomorrow. I am going to kill it.

 

[TheFixer14]

I had a great callback yesterday. I wasn't in my head, I was in my body, I was present and I gave it my all. The casting director loved how I portrayed two out of three roles that I auditioned for. One role I had to improvise and she was shocked at how I came up with stuff on the fly. She almost thought that it was in the script or something. I just decided to get into my weirdness with the improv and it worked. I knew it was good when they started to take pictures of me.

The email said that we'd know that night if we got it. But the casting director said that now if we got it then we'd get an email with the contract. If we didn't wed have the opportunity to go on audition one last time if we imploded. Based on my feedback I should be expecting good news.

I decided to go and hang out at a club after since I didn't get out until 10:30pm (I am came at 3pm) and I was in the area. It was a weird night. A lot of couples showed up. I danced with one chick. But most of the chicks there didn't catch my fancy. I don't get why women go in these big groups and then just dance with each other. They want some guy to sweep them off their feet. But then they create a situation where that becomes harder.

I really just wanted to continue to get out of my head and into my body. Just be in the room. I got bored and left a little after midnight.

I decided to text my scene partner that it would probably be a good idea if we'd get to know each other a bit before this last week on the scene. We have to observe the highest level class and I told her that I'd be going there and that we should talk on the break. What I really want to do is just listen to her a bit so I can create an emotional connection for the scene as we are playing a couple that up to that point lived with each other.

So this chick texts me back coming up with excuses and then I called her out on this. I knew that my reasons for not liking her were grounded in reality. She is just some basic b!tch. She tried to make excuses and she's like "I'll let you know by tomorrow." I just can't stand women like her. I thought that I was being a bit standoffish. But she isn't exactly being welcoming either.

 

[TheFixer14]

Sunday was a pretty chill day. Nothing really special. Went to a kick back later.

Started my training for my new job today. I really like it. This company is rather innovative. And my manger is a pretty cool guy. I was expecting a big class, but only three of us made the cut. So we must have really made an impression. Anyway the others that were hired on are cool. And the info is actually very interesting. I found a lot of correlation with my career path.

One of the guys that I was hired on with is in the entertainment industry too. It's funny how things work. He has a friend who is looking for a director for a music video and the budget is $5,000. He mainly does VFX work and I need someone for VFX for a film project that I am working on. I can see us working on some good projects in the near future.

So I had came to conclusion with my scene in my acting that the girl and I simply didn't have enough chemistry in our scene. Maybe when I was 20 I could have chemistry with any attractive girl. But I am too mature for that. I told her that I thought that it would be a good idea to actually get to know each other. I made sure to not make seem as though I was asking out and told her that would should just talk during the breaks of our observing class. She basically just came up with excuses and ultimately said that she couldn't make it and that we could talk 15 minutes before class. I texted her back and we got into an argument and she called me a just yelled at me for a few minutes.

I am tired of girls like that. I wanted to give her a chance to my thoughts on her wrong. But she just proved me right. I guess I'm just going to do my best and get through the scene.

Filming the episode of Veep tomorrow. I am pretty excited for this.

 

[TheFixer14]

The last few days have been interesting to say the least.

I had a horrible time on the Veep shoot. First off, I had to wake up at 3am and I never got to sleep. The shoot was in a mountain in Valencia and for anyone that knows L.A, Valencia is far out. Anyway, I get to the shoot and everyone is just being rude as hell. An A.D shoved me. We were put up in a wooden, cold shed. The role that I had was just a tiny little role, one or two lines. And I had to look and act African. After being turned away by a costume lady after some girl got her attention I decided to dip and they were ready for me to go.

I had a ride up there, this dude wasn't even supposed to be there. I told him let's go and he started freaking me out. He started running yelling help like a manic depressive idiot. I've only known the dude for a few months. It makes perfect sense that he is 37 years old and pretty much homeless.

I was stranded and lucked out as some cops helped me get to a train station. I was able to go to my new day job that day too. This situation taught me a lot. I am no longer going to put up with bull sh!t. I already don't. But even if it has to do with acting and filmmaking, I will not allow anyone to walk over me.

I have been re committing myself to staying present in the moment. And it's been painful. Sometimes it's cool. But other times I just like I am about explode with conflicting emotions. I suppose this is a good thing. I am going to just put this all into all my performances from now on. No holding back.

I felt a little bad for some of the stuff that I said to my scene partner and apologized if I hurt her feelings. She hasn't texted me back yet so Friday should be interesting. But in a way this good for the scene as this is a couple that breaks up. I am actually pretty excited about what we can do.

I observed the highest level class tonight. The school's namesake was teaching. Man this guy is a master. I learned so much. Watching how he directs his students and the changes that they make is pretty cool.