Attachment theory

[Cerwin Vega]

Started reading on attachment theory. Realized I'm an anxious attachment type.

This has been the source of many of my life's problems. F**ked up relationship with my parents that led to me constantly seeking everyone's validation around me.

I'm looking for ways to fix myself. Getting more girls is a bandaid which helps me temporarily. I feel relief when I get a new girl, but then the cycle starts all over again, and I reach absolute exhaustion. I don't have the time or will to game and chase tail, and frankly, I'm absolutely sick of it.

I've been in one or more relationships at every given moment of my adult life. Can't remember a period of time when I was truly single for more than a couple of months...at one point I was spinning 5 plates and it felt great at first, but like an absolute sinkhole when things started crashing. It's unmaintainable.

Girl I'm dating right now is avoidant type. Our dynamics are exactly like in this video:

And it's absolutely killing me. Going nuts over these f**ked up dynamics.

Of course, there's no way to fix her. She's a female. I want to fix myself.

 

[lost_blackbird]

I'm avoidant by nature, I probably take that to extremes, but that's just me.
I do tend to follow an all or nothing approach in more or less everything I do.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

OP. Hobbies passion and purpose outside of humans. Keep your social life but get into doing something for yourself. Only way to fix it.
Your subcon is telling yoursrlf that you are not enough

My days are either extremely busy or completely empty on my off days. When I'm busy it's ok but it's the idle time between tasks or the off days that kill me.

Hobbies. I kinda neglected my hobbies which mostly include computer stuff. I used to be a gamer (over 5000 hours wasted according to Steam), and I watched a lot of TV, but those are unhealthy hobbies because I get addicted and just binge play or watch...high dopamine dump with zero self-improvement or goals achieved.

Perhaps get back into coding. Good idea.

I am not enough. Lousy parenting. It's not their fault, mom was raised by narcissists, and that's the best she could do. Dad was working 3 jobs so I barely saw him. I always had to seek their validation...leading to me continuing to do that for the rest of my life

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Action hobbies. Music sports Hunting fishing. Something other then sitting.

As far as your parents go you might need some proffesional to talk to? I dunno sounds like your self talk is negative

Hah, dusting off my old guitar as we speak. Spots I am on the verge of muscle overuse from exercising every day. But I see what you mean

Got myself some (real) self-help books, and will look into cognitive behavioral therapy once my schedule frees up a little.

 

[MtmVaott]

Started reading on attachment theory. Realized I'm an anxious attachment type.

This has been the source of many of my life's problems. F**ked up relationship with my parents that led to me constantly seeking everyone's validation around me.

I'm looking for ways to fix myself. Getting more girls is a bandaid which helps me temporarily. I feel relief when I get a new girl, but then the cycle starts all over again, and I reach absolute exhaustion. I don't have the time or will to game and chase tail, and frankly, I'm absolutely sick of it.

I've been in one or more relationships at every given moment of my adult life. Can't remember a period of time when I was truly single for more than a couple of months...at one point I was spinning 5 plates and it felt great at first, but like an absolute sinkhole when things started crashing. It's unmaintainable.

Girl I'm dating right now is avoidant type. Our dynamics are exactly like in this video:

And it's absolutely killing me. Going nuts over these f**ked up dynamics.

Of course, there's no way to fix her. She's a female. I want to fix myself.

I am more at the avoidant side, but my abandonment issues are intense.
I've realized it some days ago, I am doing therapy already but since now, I didn't want to face the real reason why I repeat the story with my parents with the girls I meet over and over. Also ordered a self-help book.
It's good to know I'm not alone in this journey.

 

[Murk]

Computer games or online stuff isn’t a hobby ffs

Regarding attachment style I don’t know and I don’t care. What good is pigeonholing myself into yet another bs category to explain shortcomings and failures.

Just be active and never cry, that’s my attachment style.

 

[Rainman4707]

Secure attachment for me. I had a good upbringing.

 

[Gamisch]

Started reading on attachment theory. Realized I'm an anxious attachment type.

This has been the source of many of my life's problems. F**ked up relationship with my parents that led to me constantly seeking everyone's validation around me.

I'm looking for ways to fix myself. Getting more girls is a bandaid which helps me temporarily. I feel relief when I get a new girl, but then the cycle starts all over again, and I reach absolute exhaustion. I don't have the time or will to game and chase tail, and frankly, I'm absolutely sick of it.

I've been in one or more relationships at every given moment of my adult life. Can't remember a period of time when I was truly single for more than a couple of months...at one point I was spinning 5 plates and it felt great at first, but like an absolute sinkhole when things started crashing. It's unmaintainable.

Girl I'm dating right now is avoidant type. Our dynamics are exactly like in this video:

And it's absolutely killing me. Going nuts over these f**ked up dynamics.

Of course, there's no way to fix her. She's a female. I want to fix myself.

I can relate to this thread. Having had a tough upbringing, I found that women ( a woman) would be the perfect bandaid to fix my internal wounds. What happened was that I got my self worth and validation through women. I have a HB8? So I am a 8!! Hb6? Mweh, I am just a 6 ...ect. Needless to say, it's the worst thing a man can do; using women to determine his own worth.

At this point you'll need to do some rigorous soul searching. Determine what you are and what you stand for. Some therapy might help, to figure out if there are ways for you to be .." happy alone ".

And murk is right. Get some real hobbies. Yiy are on a crossroad now. This is the perfect time to reinvent yourself and take up some new hobbies. Perhaps you have talents you are not aware of now.

If you want some deep, professional therapeutic videos send me a dm and I'll hit you up. Shalom.

 

[LTG71]

Welcome the club my friend. I'm exactly like you. Beta c0ck dad, extremely over bearing mother who used me as her emotional tampon, fvcked up my mind and like you I was chasing validation and being helpful to feel loved.

I've been able to fight it off with hobbies and passions,. trying to change my mindset that if that person leaves, there would be another one.

Being to the gym and being more attractive (I was fat) has helped a lot.

Same here. Took several years to become self aware. I think this is the primary reason men tolerate a lot of bvll**** from women. We unknowingly were trained by mom to people please and tolerate emotional chaos. Always bending over backwards to make mom happy, in hopes of getting approval. I catch myself going above and beyond helping people so I can garner a few breadcrumbs of appreciation. Now that I know I have this habit, I try to stop myself.

I’ve noticed a dynamic too where I‘m somehow drawn to people who are broken and I try to fix their problems. Unfortunately leads me to narcissistic personalities, men and women. Turns into a codependent relationship where I’m doing most of the work, while the other is lazy and reeks the benefits.

OP, I think this is a good subject to explore. Gives us insight into why we keep choosing certain types and it doesn’t end well.