Are you the biggest A-hole she ever dated?

[SkrooU]

I can no longer deny that I am capable of being a total d1ck to women. But it's an unexpected kind of thing. Comes out of nowhere and shocks them. I keep repeating the same two relationships over and over. And each one begins this way -- You are so different than other guys. You are everything i have wanted and it makes me nervous, blah blah. And ends this way -- you have turned out to be the biggest a-hole i have ever dated and have hurt me more than any other guy.

When I say I'm a d1ck, I mean I call women out on things. I never raise my voice, never call them names, never threaten them. But I'll just suddenly start backing out when a list of negative things accumulate. And I'll just get cold and then unleash this list on them and kick them to the curb. And they ask who I've been for the past 3 months. Its like clockwork -- 90 days, like a switch goes off, just as im starting to really like someone suddenly things start seeming wrong about her.

Recently I felt bad about this and tried a different approach to calling it off. I did things the nice way. Even apologized about things weeks later. Did not go over well lol.

So I'm wondering if this is something you guys hear too? Or am I just totally f'd up and cold?

I think I'm a pretty good guy that just gets fed up with relationship problems too easily. Everything makes sense when I'm pulling the plug on a relationship. But maybe I'm too picky. And I was actually wondering today if I'm BPD.

 

[9Volt]

I can no longer deny that I am capable of being a total d1ck to women. But it's an unexpected kind of thing. Comes out of nowhere and shocks them. I keep repeating the same two relationships over and over. And each one begins this way -- You are so different than other guys. You are everything i have wanted and it makes me nervous, blah blah. And ends this way -- you have turned out to be the biggest a-hole i have ever dated and have hurt me more than any other guy.

When I say I'm a d1ck, I mean I call women out on things. I never raise my voice, never call them names, never threaten them. But I'll just suddenly start backing out when a list of negative things accumulate. And I'll just get cold and then unleash this list on them and kick them to the curb. And they ask who I've been for the past 3 months. Its like clockwork -- 90 days, like a switch goes off, just as im starting to really like someone suddenly things start seeming wrong about her.

Recently I felt bad about this and tried a different approach to calling it off. I did things the nice way. Even apologized about things weeks later. Did not go over well lol.

So I'm wondering if this is something you guys hear too? Or am I just totally f'd up and cold?

I think I'm a pretty good guy that just gets fed up with relationship problems too easily. Everything makes sense when I'm pulling the plug on a relationship. But maybe I'm too picky. And I was actually wondering today if I'm BPD.

depends. if some chick expects you to go along with everything she says and you see red flags in her actions etc. but don't go along with the program she has she could see you as the "azzhole".

if you tried normally bringing up toxic behavior or shyt you don't like and she ignores it and you then drop her she could still finger point at you being the "azzhole".

in the end it doesn't matter if things aren't working out. you just learn and grow from past experiences but don't dwell on them.

only thing is if you do.mention certain things and they ignore them you're just wasting time and investing even more with anger and or emotions running down a list that they ignored already. just drop them and move on.

 

[logicallefty]

OP I think can relate to your post. Correct me if I'm wrong. You really don't want to be a d!ck per se but sometimes you have to be. And it's a surprise to the woman when you are. Then later you feel guilty about it.

sometimes I will drop hints early on in the form of humor like "I can be a real azz sometimes. If you see my ears start growing like a donkeys I suggest you start running real fast". Then later if you do you have to be one you can say that you warned them.

Another thing I do is tell a woman "You never want to hear me say the word dejavu cuz if I say that to you that means you are acting like my ex and I ain't liking it" Then if she does something you don't like, drop the word. See if she remembers or cares. If she doesn't then it's time to become the azzhole and do what u gotta do (go nc or dump her or whatever)

 

[The Duke]

I hear this kind of stuff pretty often. Howie....you are a schit. Howie....you can be such a dihk sometimes. Howie you are an azz. These statements always come after I've called them out on their poor behavior or didn't give them exactly what they wanted. My own sister and mom say the same to me.

At the end of the day these women respect me for standing up to them and standing my ground. They know I didn't call them out for my own benefit and I wasn't throwing something against the wall to see if it might stick. I did so to help them be a better person and let them know I'm not going to tolerate the disrespect.

I suppose I could soften up a little, but deep down they love me for being who I am and many times it generates tingles in them. Too many men are pushovers and women end up resenting them for it. Its better for a woman to get angry at you for being a dihk, than it is resenting you for being a wuss and letting her get away with bad behavior. One she will have respect for, the other she won't.

 

[SkrooU]

What are they actually doing wrong, if anything? How can this key component be left out?

Anyway, if you're not making them fall in love and then cheating, you're certainly not the biggest ******* they know.

Usually I just get bored and start picking up on certain behaviors l don't like. Example - I had a good thing going with someone once. She had to move a few hours away for 6 months. I decided to try out the long distance. But because of her split days off, I had to be the one to drive. So after a couple visits she got lazy and would leave the kitchen a mess and not make dinner. Then I'd go home and she would tell me how she cleaned the kitchen after I left. This really started pissing me off. So I got up one morning and dumped her by text saying she was lazy and disrespectful and i no longer would be driving to see her because it wasn't worth it. Looking back I could have been much nicer and said it just wasn't working. But i had to blame her for something. But going through it was like a switch went off on my head and I was actually furious about it. I'm just saying something happens at the 90 day mark that makes me so this crap. And I wonder if this is normal or if I'm kinda crazy and mean and it just takes 90 days for it to show. Because most women tell me I'm an a-hole or I'm messed up. But its weird because I'm really mellow and positive i think. But i get with a chick too long and this happens.

 

[Roober]

Usually I just get bored and start picking up on certain behaviors l don't like. Example - I had a good thing going with someone once. She had to move a few hours away for 6 months. I decided to try out the long distance. But because of her split days off, I had to be the one to drive. So after a couple visits she got lazy and would leave the kitchen a mess and not make dinner. Then I'd go home and she would tell me how she cleaned the kitchen after I left. This really started pissing me off. So I got up one morning and dumped her by text saying she was lazy and disrespectful and i no longer would be driving to see her because it wasn't worth it. Looking back I could have been much nicer and said it just wasn't working. But i had to blame her for something. But going through it was like a switch went off on my head and I was actually furious about it. I'm just saying something happens at the 90 day mark that makes me so this crap. And I wonder if this is normal or if I'm kinda crazy and mean and it just takes 90 days for it to show. Because most women tell me I'm an a-hole or I'm messed up. But its weird because I'm really mellow and positive i think. But i get with a chick too long and this happens.

You got pissed because she wouldn't make you dinner and she left HER kitchen a mess?

Expectations are pre-meditated resentments!

If you come to my house and expect something from me, I would think you are a d1ck too. Should have just made other plans and not driven a couple hours to see her. You were supplicating and she lost respect for you.

 

[Atom Smasher]

What we erroneously call "being an a-hole" in 2017 is actually what being a man was pre-1960.

I think we should get out of the "a-hole" and "d!ck" mindset and instead think in terms of "strong", "dominant", "effective", etc.

 

[SkrooU]

You got pissed because she wouldn't make you dinner and she left HER kitchen a mess?

Expectations are pre-meditated resentments!

If you come to my house and expect something from me, I would think you are a d1ck too. Should have just made other plans and not driven a couple hours to see her. You were supplicating and she lost respect for you.

Lol I never said anything about it to her. Basically what I felt was that I was putting in all the effort and she just opened her legs. If I drive 3 hours to see you I expect some appreciation to match my efforts.

 

[bigneil]

Women don't date as-sholes.

Women call guys who f*ck them and don't call them back as-sholes.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Are you the biggest A-hole she ever dated?

Of course not. I'm the nicest guy she has dated, at least while we are together. But the thing is, tomorrow I'm going to be just as nice to a different girl, and the same thing the day after that, while making no apologies for that behavior to any of them...which probably makes me an a-hole.

 

[sazc]

your OP made me think about a situation I was involved in a few years ago. guy I was dating lived 30 minutes away. near the end I found myself feeling resentful and thinking it was just too far to drive to see him. hindsight had me realize that the relationship just wasnt good anymore and that is why I thought it was too far to drive.

Form what you describe you get thru the honeymoon period and then realize you're not into it. I want to suggest that you try as hard as you can to be authentic with these females out the gate. Hopefully they are being authentic with you. Dont get caught up in the honeymoon phase - that is what leads to a relationship letdown when it ends. And I want to suggest you consider communicating your needs. if you are the type of guy who is disgusted by a dirty kitchen/home, that is totally okay, but communicate that and look for a female who is like minded.

When we are authentic about ourselves, without fear of being judged, we weed out people who are not compatible. It is the like minded person who is going to be harmonious with *you* in a relationship.

Anywhoo, just thoughts/suggestions.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Damn, I noticed the same thing with me. And usually it is around 3 months too! I notice it beforehand if things are gonna go sour though, but I just go with it until it does because why not have a little fun and experience, ya know? Nah OP you aren't weird. And no you don't have BPD either. BPDs rarely ever try to improve themselves or think that there is anything wrong with them to begin with.

 

[ubercat]

Dammit all my LTRs last at least a couple of years. Now I'm wondering if I need more arseholery.

 

[Billtx49]

Women don't date as-sholes.

Women call guys who f*ck them and don't call them back as-sholes.

Jerk is another commonly used term, but it's been used more on me after she has known me awhile, got feelings, and I become an as-shole later on. I think to qualify for the big A you need to be more of a relatively unknown quantity to her.

 

[Rainman4707]

@ skrool - You're not happy, so you're doing the right thing in ending it.

@ ubercat - Care to elaborate?

 

[Skyline]

I think you're fine dude.