Are we supposed to want to be in relationships?

[Jvesti123]

What is up with relatioinships anyways? A girl i know is trying to get me into one. I've slept over pretty much every single day for the past 2 weeks since i met her. She's supposedly nuts about me and very happy for once, hasn't let any guy get with her (sex) for 3 years after a really bad bad relationship. Until me. Anyways i've been playing out seeing if I'd actually be NORMAL like every other person i know that has relationships here and there. I've developed not much feelings towards her, there are the specific instances where i do feel a bond with her but those are sporatic and here and there. Like once for like 5 minutes every other day. I assume that is supposed to grow or something... i dunno? I'm starting to think all i wanna do is have sex and have someone to lay next to that's the only reason im around.

But then again something in me tells me it's not normal to never develope any feelings for a girl in my life besides sexual which it has always been. So is it normal to not give two ****s about being monogamous and dedicated to someone? Cause I feel that's the way I am. Is it a good idea to get in a relationship even though you aren't all about it? (besides getting breakfast and dinner cooked for me.) Is there some kind of benefit that will further yourself from having a girlfriend even if you have nothing to gain from it besides the obvious sex and cooked food?

 

[Slickster]

This is one of those posts where I feel like banging my head on the keyboard.

1. The fact that you have asked such a stupid question.
2. The fact that you need others to tell you what you want.

Makes me think you are very immature.

No you should not get into a relationship with someone if you are not into it. Why f*ck people around. This chick got out of a bad relationship and hasn't been with anyone else for years and you're going to f*ck her around too. Break it off with her now. Find yourself a slvtty chick or someone who just wants sex (no strings attached) and you can bang the hell out of her and maybe if you're lucky she'll make you dinner too.

If you don't like digging ditches should you take a job digging graves? You sound really stupid man.

P.S. The fact that you're from Braintree MA is kind of ironic isn't it.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by Jvesti123
Is there some kind of benefit that will further yourself from having a girlfriend even if you have nothing to gain from it besides the obvious sex and cooked food?

Haha. I like your attitude, neighbor. And the answer to your question is "NO!"

The reason you are in doubt is because our society (in the form of news, television, movies, etc) has shoved the idea of a 'relationship' down your throat since you were only a child. They WANT you to feel guilty when you are independent and refuse to commit to a woman. But the simple truth is there is nothing to be gained by such a committment. Sure, the woman gets plenty-- an open wallet, an auto mechanic, an escort to her friend's wedding, someone to brag about to the b1tches she works with, etc. etc. What do you get in return... sex? Yes, but at what price? Now you have to listen to her complain all day, you have to talk to her on the phone all the time, you have to dedicate days and nights out of your social calender when you could be out having fun with your friends. All this basically just for the priviledge of having a consistent sex partner which you ALREADY had before you were even IN the relationship!

Don't let the media brainwash you. You can be any kind of man you want to be. If it makes you happy to be free and uncommitted, then be free and uncommitted. The insecurities of society-at-large are not yours to bear.

 

[Jvesti123]

First of all it's great you gave advice in all if you can call it that. But who the hell are you to insult my intelligence and be a tough guy knowitall. Yes, this is practically the first relationship i've been in for quite a while, and i might be immature in that respect because im a novice to relationship ****. That's why I'm asking others who have been experienced in relationships and developing feeling and such. Does not have anything to do with stupidity. Yes, if i tell her im not interested, I can hear pretty much every single person i know telling me my decision was stupid. I'm asking ****, like am i supposed to wait longer to see if feeling develop more intensely or are they already supposed to be there by now? One way or the other of this question would probably have me taking a different route on this situation.

So leave your ignorance at the door about why I'd ask the questions when you have no clue where I'm coming from.

 

[squirrels]

Don't make excuses for what you want. Just go do it.

 

[drZaius09]

Well, well, it's Slickster, the guy who thought he knew everything and advised us all to "get out" of sosuave. But like most people who think they know everything, their ultimate ignorance is inevitably revealed for all to see.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Hello Neighbor...

What chick is this? I know Braintree!

Anywhoo..

I would honestly sit down with her and explain your mindset. Don't let it become a b!tch session, but rather explain to her that these are you feelings at this time and you just want to be honest and open with her. You don't need to feel bad or be pressured into a relationship. If she makes it out to be that way, then you can see the true flakyness that she has.

Either way, if you arn't ready for a relationship, don't just sit in it and realised 5 years have passed and you are now married with 2.5 kids and a dog!

M.A.C.

 

[Jvesti123]

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
Hello Neighbor...

lol, nah she ain't a braintree chick, thems girls aren't nothing to care much about. She's from Bridgewater.

Ya I was trying to explain where i was coming from last night I got about 1/4 of what you said out.

I think I'm just going to say, "when i talk to her after dinner tonight. that I'm not feeling as a relationship at this time, maybe I will in the future but even though I spent a good amount of time with you. I believe for me it has to at least pan out for quite a while before i can consider any such thing. I do like you and enjoy your company, and every influence friends society around me might tell me i should be getting in an exclusive relationship, I just don't feel that way. I like what were doing now, I also want to make it clear that we shouldn't be acting as if we're exclusive because that is not something i want at this moment. No one is going to hurt you, if you still want to be as we were, I'm not intent on ****ing you over, lying to you, being intentionally mean to you at something, and im about being totally honest, but I'm don't feel like being in a relationship at this time or point in us knowing each other. "

good? stupid? I think this is the best way to go and see what she says

 

[FlyGuy]

Two schools of thought on this one.

If you care about her at all (even as a human being) then given her situation it's only fair that you tell her your intentions, obviously she assumes that you want a relationship. You see this developing on her end, but you don't want it. So good for you, you are being honest and mature.

On the other hand, you never forced her to fvck you or date you. Nor did you ever make a promise of commitment. Its up to her to make sure she doesn't get hurt or used. You don't HAVE to tell her whats on your mind, she didn't even ask you.

Personally I think you are doing the right thing. There's no need to hurt someone if you can help it. Hopefully she will still be interested in a purely physical relationship eh?

 

[Paul Owen]

I agree with Dr Zaius. I think this was a perfectly pertinent post. Its all well and good to say you should just do whatever you want but sometimes even that is not black and white.

I have a similar problem at the moment. My girlfriend is fit and a lovely person but to be honest I have doubts. Sometimes I feel like she really enhances my life and we really connect. Other times I see other women and KNOW that if I had the opportunity I would not hesitate to f**k the hell out of them. Meanwhile my girlfriend has made it clear that she does not want to be in this relationship if there is no chance of us having a future together. At the back of the mind I know there is very little chance that I will end up with her. I haven't been out with enough girls, she is fit but there are certain types I find attractive. So why don't I split up with her? Well my life is much better with her in it. I enjoy her company, it is lovely having someone to do stuff with and all of that. Plus all my friends are in relationships (and living in London everyone does there own thing so having a big group of friends to regularly go out with is rare- for me at least) so what would I be doing if I was not with her? Walking around? Watching TV? I care a lot about this girl but I can't say that she is definitely the one for me or that I am completely happy being in an exclusive relationship. So does knowing that and still staying with her make me a b*stard? Probably, but I've weighed up the options and decide I would rather stay with her than not. I've had dry spells lasting for months before (years when I was much younger) and meeting someone, dating, etc are tough and a complete energy drain. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush no?

Anyway the point of this was that I think there is always a lot of ambiguity in life and things are not always as clear cut as Slickster would make them.

 

[comote]

I know exactly what you are talking about man, I have been dating this girl for 9 months and I am still hard pressed to call her my gf. I know this is not the way it is supposed to be but most of the time when she goes out of town I look forward to it. You should do what I am doing. Keep dating her but try and put more distance between you and her, don't spend every night over and get out with the guys again.
You don't have to make it exclusive and if that is what she wants you have to be willing to walk away if you are not ready for it.
(easier said than done however)
I would definitely say that since you two have only been dating for two weeks you could easily say that this is moving too fast for you.
I definitely think you should talk to her about this however, more than likely she will understand and on the other side of the
coin you are presenting her with more challenge.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

Originally posted by Jvesti123
What is up with relatioinships anyways?....

I'm starting to think all i wanna do is have sex and have someone to lay next to that's the only reason im around.

.. it's not normal to never develope any feelings for a girl in my life besides sexual which it has always been.

This is interesting,

I think everyone is different, some guys think f*cking is more important whereas others are looking for a relationship, these are the two extremes and everyones somewhere inbetween.

I find it hard to believe you've never developed an attraction to a girl/woman besides a sexual one. I'd say ever since I was 13 or 14 I spent alot of time being attracted to girls because I liked something in their personality.. ok there were always others that I knew I'd never get on with but I'd still have liked to f*ck them but to me the girls who I felt I could get on with were more important even if some of them weren't as sexually attractive.

I think I have the opposite problem to you almost. Don't get me wrong I'm into getting laid, but I'd rather it wasn't just some random one night thing. I've bought into the idea that sleeping with the love of your life is the best thing ever.. I'm sure if I'd been alot more horny and felt willing to sleep with someone even if I didn't particularly like them I'd have a lot more notches on the bedpost but I don't. As it is.. I'm too interested in finding a LTR so I give up on lots of chicks too easily (ie. within first few minutes of conversation sometimes or sometimes before I've even spoken to them! "look at the way she acts, I wouldnt get on with her") and get far too attatched to others (hence one-itis and AFC neediness problems).
As it is I dismiss (or rather don't make the effort with) many opportunities far too easily because I can't see it leading to a happy 2 kids and a mortgage. It also means when it comes to pick ups and closing for the number I can be put off very easily unless I see high interest level (if she doesnt like me much now whats the point in carrying on)

Of course it could be you've just not met the right chick yet.. I've only had one chick completely throw herself at me repeatedly and at the time I was so hung up on someone else and wanting a good relationship, that I completely ignored her. If I was in the same situation now, I think I'd probably sleep with the girl but I still can't see myself developing feelings for her, unless she's changed her personality a bit (which I suppose is quite likely given the length of time).

Obviously alot of what I'm saying is characteristically AFC and what I'm trying to change. Part of the problem is that I've not had a girl that I know really wants me for a long time, so I've got a little needy when it comes to attention, but of course this only turns them off even more, I hope I hit the balance soon.

 

[Sting]

Comote & Paul,

I'm in a similar situation, and have been for almost 2 years. For me, the past 2 years, although they've gone by awful fast, have been a significant learning experience. A long-term relationship when you're in your early-30s (like me) with a late-20s woman is far different than a long-term relationship when you're both in your teens or early-20s. By dating a woman of "marrying age," whose friends desperately pushing their boyfriends towards marriage, I see all the tricks women use to entice men into saying "I do." Indeed, all of the behaviors described on this site appear far more frequently than if I was dealing with women in their early-20s.

While I don't post here that often anymore (work, the gym and the gf get in the way), reading the occasional sosuave article keeps me grounded in the principles that made me successful with women (and meeting my current girlfriend) over the past several years. In other words, I don't fall for any of the tricks my girlfriend uses to convince me to put a ring on her finger. In fact, I make the same joke to her every time she and I run into a couple that recently became engaged or married -- "He just made [or is about to make] the biggest mistake of his life..." Usually she gives me an elbow or "the look" to show me that my attitude isn't apprpropriate. I give her an evil grin right back to show that I don't care whether or not she approves of my little joke.

Suffice it to say, I've resisted all of my girlfriend's pressure, her family's pressure, and my own family's pressure, to put a ring on her finger. I have a timetable in my mind by which I will make a decision. I firmly believe that knowing whether you want to get married takes time. You need to get to know your girlfriend extremely well -- all of her benefits and all of her faults. If you still aren't sure when your timetable has expired, then the answer is NO to the question whether or not you should marry her. Never ask a woman to marry you just because you think it's "the right thing to do," or other people tell you it's the right thing to do.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by drZaius09
Well, well, it's Slickster, the guy who thought he knew everything and advised us all to "get out" of sosuave. But like most people who think they know everything, their ultimate ignorance is inevitably revealed for all to see.

Yes Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius it is me you Planet of the Apes freak.

But NO I've never claimed to know everything. And it is true that I advise people to leave this website! At least for a while.

"WHAT is that! Leave sosuave! How could you say that?"

I know that I've offended people with my post saying that you should leave this site if you are addicted to it. Especially people with 1000's of posts to their credit. I'll be public enemy #1. I'm trying to stir the sh*t up around here. Its about time.

Take this thread for example. Jvesti123 can't even think for himself. (Sorry for the harsh tone in my previous post Jvesti, just trying to smack some sense into you). He claims that he cannot think of a single reason that would make him want to get into a relationship besides sex and food. Well that's just fine. But he then asks the question "Are we supposed to WANT to be in relationships?" I say "HOW THE F*CK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT!"

This site is FULL of confused little boys (of all ages) who cannot think for themselves. If this site helps you then that is great keep coming here. It helped me too.

All I'm saying is that your social interactions with people (women )are not going to improve by sitting in front of your computer. Pook said be a MAN! Thats the best advice ever.

Are you being a MAN?

 

[drZaius09]

You still don't get it. But I suppose in your opinion this would be a better board if we all just mindlessly regurgitated the hallowed words of the Great 'Pook.'

You're probably right, I'll bet Jvesti is a young man. Probably early 20's, like a lot of us here. And, like a lot of us here, I bet he's been subjected to AFC-saturated, wishy-washy, lovey-dovey, relationship-driven nonsense his entire life by his family, friends, school teachers, tv weathermen, and just about anyone else his fledgling mind has come into contact with. How can you blame him for being confused? He's been bombarded since early childhood with society's demands that he become somebody he's not just for the sake of normalcy. How can you blame him for being conflicted? We would all feel guilty if anytime we tried to have a good time somebody was wagging a finger in our face.

Instead of being so quick to attack, maybe you should help Jvesti with what he really needs: to become an independent and happy MAN who's impervious to the judgements of the masses.

 

[Slickster]

My advice to Jvesti stands.

Don't screw people around.
If you're not into relationships don't lead someone on.
Don't ask others what you want.


Whats with all the "brainwash" talk Dr. Zaius?
You watchin too much X-Files?

I've been reading some of your other posts. You sound like a bitter guy. Are you happy? I don't think you are if the only thing you think a relationship is good for is sex.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by Slickster
Don't ask others what you want.

Did you actually read the first post in this thread? Never once does he ask us to tell him what he wants. He's confused. Probably for the same reasons I've spelled out several times already. If I'm wrong, maybe Jvesti himself can clarify the true intentions of his query.

Whats with all the "brainwash" talk Dr. Zaius?
You watchin too much X-Files?

If you're seriously going to come here and dispute the fact that the media has been force-feeding AFC bullsh1t down our throats since the day we were born, then, we've honestly got nothing to talk about. I will not argue with someone who tells me 2+2 = 5.

Are you happy?

My happiness was never the issue here. But I can tell you that I will achieve happiness the same way Jvesti will: by being my own man and living life the way I want, not the way I've been told (or should I say "demanded"?)

 

[davelmn2003]

My humble opinion is that you should give it a little more time (say, one more month). If you still think of her as a means to an end (sexual satisfaction) and NOTHING ELSE, and if what she wants a relationship with a man she can love, then I think it wrong to continue seeing her.

Perhaps you can make it very clear to hear that you want her as a f-buddy, as people on here say, but you shouldn't pretend or give the impression that this is going SOMEWHERE if it is not.

Man, she was so hurt that she wouldn't sleep with any man for 3 years. You came along and she saw the light of day again, don't throw her back into the abyss again.

Again, my humble opinion only.

 

[Slickster]

Good advice Davelmn

Dr. Zaius your effed up man society hasn't demanded anything of you. The only thing you really have to do is breathe.

 

[Jvesti123]

Originally posted by Slickster


Don't ask others what you want.

Listen, I DID NOT ask anyone what i wanted. There's a thing called a point of view, coming from someone like myself in a situation there are all kind of things such as emotions involved. A person looking at the situation from the outside can typically give a fresh point of view for me to think about. And others might just have experience in the situation.

I know EXACTLY what i want but sometimes things are hazy to see it from the outside of the situation to see what is what and if im wrong about something or being clouded.

Due to your posts I'm assuming you've got a very low self esteem and struggle to feel important by making yourself look like a know-it-all and no one else being at your level and an expert like you are. Your just making yourself resented, makin posts like this aren't going to help the situation so cut the ****, take a look in the mirror at the problem don't be jumping at me as a project to patch in your insecurities.