Approach Mission for Social Anxiety.

[Luke Skywalker]

Today is Day ONE of the mission to overcome my shyness and eventually win the approach competition.

The line from a David D'Angelo for approach goes like this:
"Excuse me, can I ask you a question? (smile, pause) I'm trying to overcome my shyness by asking five women today what it takes for them to be attracted to a guy. Do you prefer it when guys buy your attention with gifts and flowers, or do you prefer it when a guy teases you, makes fun, makes you laugh, and keeps you guessing what's going to happen next".

This is on his free emails I get regularly. He tells me, that if you are afraid to appraoch women, then this is a good line to say as it would be congruent with the frame of mind you are in at the time (thus you are being you), at least with the first 50 to 100 approaches until you get comfortable.

Other alternate openers are - "I'm trying to overcome by shyness by talking to five women a day, and since you seem pretty nice I decided to try you."

*************

The issue is that my confidence on approach is so bad that it reaks of ultra-low status vibes and I feel that if I'm not minding my business and do stuff like that, people will think I'm loitering around and harassing people. What I end up doing is falling back on the task that I'm there to do and start going on 'oblivious mode' with women.

Also, this board itself has been rather toxic when I tried to do a bootcamp in the past with people stating that I was wasting my time, or that because I live with my parents I'm fvcked anyway so there is no point. I really have nobody to help me out with any approach in real life and am sort of on my own to work out these fears.

However, it goes without saying, if someone who lives in Toronto is good at cold approachs, that I would like to meet up with him and see how he does it since it just seems so alien for me to do this - although not impossible, I suppose if I'm frustrated enough.

***************

Some alternative approaches are thought of, for example, following up with that question 'Excuse me, can I ask you a question?", do you plan to buy a home in a few months, and hand out a business card, or ask for some directions (if it's a hot babe that's too yonge to buy a home) to sort of get my feet wet.

This way I can guage to see if my anxiety is because of the content (I'm talking about attraction and I have an aversion for talking about stuff like that in real life with women because it just seems desperate to me or doesn't jive right - or if I really just have a total anxiety problem. )

*******************

 

[mrRuckus]

If you're going to be handing out fake business cards at least get a service industry job where you get paid to interact with people so you can get paid to get over being shy.

When i became a cashier long ago i was scared to even say "hi how are you" to people because i've always had the feeling that i'm bugging people (since they tend to bug me i assume i bug them). Now i greet most people who walk by me and feel weird if i just look 'around' them and don't. Any sort of bullsh1t small talk has always been my weakness.

You know what, that actually inspires me now remembering how shy i was back in the day... to know that even my current shortcomings can be overcome because i've done it before.


Look into some "positive affirmations." (http://www.csbruce.com/~csbruce/shyness/change.html). I wrote some things down about myself that while not true at the moment, i want to be true and expect them to become true... I take out the index card a few times a day and read through the list... and it's been about a week and they're already self fulfilling themselves slowly but surely because i'm doing those things without thinking about them now (e.g. just in general talking to strangers for no real reason and smiling more - i find myself doing it now without any prior thought about it.)

 

[Luke Skywalker]

If you're going to be handing out fake business cards at least get a service industry job where you get paid to interact with people so you can get paid to get over being shy.

The links are not working.

I've heard this suggestion - that a paid job approaching people in general could be helpful.

My business cards are not fake though, I'm really a Real-Estate agent. The only fake thing about it, is if I'm approaching a hot girl, she may not likely be looking to buy a home, but then again you never know.

 

[afc_2_dj]

He included the ) in the URL, take the ) off the end or ....
http://www.csbruce.com/~csbruce/shyness/change.html

 

[Sir Juanalot]

http://www.csbruce.com/~csbruce/shyness/change.html

link had a ) on the end of it.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Thanks for the link.

I'm thinking - when I'm at the computer or away from the social scene, I'm comfortable and think it's nothing to do an approach and use that David D'Angelo line, but when I'm actually there and I see people to approach then it's a whole different ball game.

It's not even just self-defeating thoughts about myself, I may think that she's not my type, unattractive, or she may be a witch, or she's too old, or some other stuff.

It should really be nothing to do these approaches
1) I'm in and out, once the approach is over it's all over.
2) There is no physical risk of danger, the lady wont have magical powers to turn me into a frog, there is no irrperable harm to self-esteem, there is no death-risk - so there is no critical basis of any rational fear on an approach itself - and even if she was a spell catching witch - my faith will say that she's powerless anyway.
3) I am not going to get arrested or accousted for loitering by staying an extra five or even ten minutes longer than I have to in order to hit on a girl.

Even if it doesn't go perfect - it doesn't have to, as long as I learn something, or gain some experience, then that is what counts. My frame is to learn and observe the reactions of people that I approach.

- but it's easy to think that way now, when I'm away from it. I'm going to try this agian tommorow, you know, see if I can approach five women with this line, I'm going to continue harassing myself all the time until I actually handle a few approaches.

************

Now, what I need is a strong cogntive frame that will make this maze a bit easier -- that is to conceptually JUMP right into the approaches without thinking and JUMPing right back out.

When I start analyzing or thinking about it then it's no longer 'nothing' it's 'something', it's a 'big deal'.

 

[vegas_pimp]

do you type down every single thought in your head?

stop analyzing

just go do it

you are 99.9% talk, and 0.01% action

 

[knglerxt]

I don't think cold approaching is a good strategy for a shy person. It just doesn't make any sense for a guy who has problems with socializing to try and meet women in the hardest way possible. I mean there's got to be an easier way to meet women than walking up to them on the street or in a grocery store. Besides, most men don't cold approach, yet they have girlfriends and wives.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

DAY TWO OF APPROACH ANXIETY STRUGGLES:

Yesterday I was saying approaching is nothing.

Today was VERY busy with Real-Estate stuff, I was at work that whole day doing something related to Real-Estate.

I had to meet a client at the other end of my city, and I waited for her in a bookstore by the table. There were opportunities to approach girls there, but for some reason, I just couldn't do it.

The excuses were relentless - but the dominant excuse was this:

- my mind or mode is in Real-Estate so I'm not psyched up to do approaches, because if the approach itself is so complicated, difficult, or is a battle of the mind here where I'm fighting this 'Goliath' then wouldn't I at least need to be psyched up for this - suppose my client walked in and saw me going around with the women there.

That's the thing - if you are already tired, have enough going on in your plate - then it feels like a quantum jump mentally speaking to change a mode into an 'approaching a stranger' mode - it's like, can you really be bothered with that if you have more important things to do? It just seems rather idle. It's like this belief that I need to focus allot of time and energy just to do one approach, or if I dont have that time or energy during an opportunity of approach, then I cant do it, or make excuses to myself that if I had more 'concentrated energy and time' for this then it would work out.

What's really scary about this is this is the most basic approaches set up by David D'Angelo, he made those lines up for people who have difficulty approaching and just cant seem to do it, yet, it's like some recursive loop that even those lines are difficult.

I've read the link above, and realize that I have to do something drastic to sort of get myself 'out of myself' when I'm in an approach situation. The problem is, I'm too trapped inside myself, so even the thought of approaching someone just ends up going in a thought-sink rather than going into an action.


********

If I cant trust a woman not to bite me after coming with the most basic approach strategy - telling her I'm trying to overcome my shyness today by talking to people and noticed that she has this really 'friendly aura' about her so I decided to talk to her -- then I really dont see what my problem is. Or something to that effect, then where is this going.

I'm going to try that opener with a few women tommorow and after the opener I'll let it go anywhere - no closing, no emails, if I can go that far, I'll progress to just a step higher -- try out the lines I originally posted as part of a simple approach routine, or maybe open it with that - and then once I'm done, I should have 100+ approaches under my belt and get over with this.

**********

If I were to reduce my goals here, I'd say, I'd do a partial physical approach as to be in audio distance with a woman where she can likely hear me if I were to say something or deliberately cross paths with her, although not necessarily completing the approach.

Do I really need allot of time and energy to concentrate to do one simple approach as it's such a 'quantum jump' to what I'm normally accustomed to doing -- or how can I just see this as 'nothing' and just do it - so confusing.

 

[Lust]

Today is Day ONE of the mission to overcome my shyness and eventually win the approach competition.

The line from a David D'Angelo for approach goes like this:
"Excuse me, can I ask you a question? (smile, pause) I'm trying to overcome my shyness by asking five women today what it takes for them to be attracted to a guy. Do you prefer it when guys buy your attention with gifts and flowers, or do you prefer it when a guy teases you, makes fun, makes you laugh, and keeps you guessing what's going to happen next".

This is on his free emails I get regularly. He tells me, that if you are afraid to appraoch women, then this is a good line to say as it would be congruent with the frame of mind you are in at the time (thus you are being you), at least with the first 50 to 100 approaches until you get comfortable.

Other alternate openers are - "I'm trying to overcome by shyness by talking to five women a day, and since you seem pretty nice I decided to try you."

*************

The issue is that my confidence on approach is so bad that it reaks of ultra-low status vibes and I feel that if I'm not minding my business and do stuff like that, people will think I'm loitering around and harassing people. What I end up doing is falling back on the task that I'm there to do and start going on 'oblivious mode' with women.

Also, this board itself has been rather toxic when I tried to do a bootcamp in the past with people stating that I was wasting my time, or that because I live with my parents I'm fvcked anyway so there is no point. I really have nobody to help me out with any approach in real life and am sort of on my own to work out these fears.

However, it goes without saying, if someone who lives in Toronto is good at cold approachs, that I would like to meet up with him and see how he does it since it just seems so alien for me to do this - although not impossible, I suppose if I'm frustrated enough.

***************

Some alternative approaches are thought of, for example, following up with that question 'Excuse me, can I ask you a question?", do you plan to buy a home in a few months, and hand out a business card, or ask for some directions (if it's a hot babe that's too yonge to buy a home) to sort of get my feet wet.

This way I can guage to see if my anxiety is because of the content (I'm talking about attraction and I have an aversion for talking about stuff like that in real life with women because it just seems desperate to me or doesn't jive right - or if I really just have a total anxiety problem. )

*******************

This sounds a lot like a blowout opener that my wing and I came up with.

But, it's a blowout set, meaning, you are trying to get blown out. It's fun, plus, you probably are gaining confidence, especially with something like this:

You: Hey, I have this massive FEAR of rejection, so, what i need you to do is to reject me as cold and hard as you can! C'mon, worse than that! Louder! C'mon, really break my heart here.

It's fun, and you get over the whole "Approaching chicks is a big thing" period.

Blowout sets are awesome, great for reducing AA.

"Hey, can you like, just tell me to FVCK OFF!? C'mon, LOUDER! SAY IT!"

Fun fun fun.

Other exercises can help too, like small talking with a stranger, just talk about absolutely anything. It's fluff talk, you are talking to them with no other intention than filling the silence. It can be your typical sh!t.

If you want to know something, screw looking it up on the internet, ask a random.

"Hey my mate and I were just arguing, you reckon fortune tellers are bullsh!tters? Or do they work?"

Or, asking for store recommendations, directions, compliment them on one piece of clothing they are wearing and where they got it from.

There are heaps of ways to reduce Approach Anxiety. Your challenge isn't very organized though, sorry but it appears so from what I can read. I suggest trying the Style Life Challenge, I cannot stress how much I recommend this to EVERYONE, young, old, new, not so new.

Here is a link of my Style Life Challenge so far, I haven't done much in a while:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=123136

Go nuts mate, women aren't in control, you are.

-Lust.

 

[lyamdb]

I've read the link above, and realize that I have to do something drastic to sort of get myself 'out of myself' when I'm in an approach situation. The problem is, I'm too trapped inside myself, so even the thought of approaching someone just ends up going in a thought-sink rather than going into an action.

Just decide to make a fool of yourself and go up to her and talk some really stupid sh!t. I'm serious. It works better than analysing. OK you don't have to try hard to say something stupid. Aren't you afraid that anything you say will turn out stupid? so, just say something. anything. you do it once, it'll be easier the second time. even easier the third time... and so on. and it will immediately put you in the approaching mode. no matter in what state you are.
Come on man! just do it. it ain't easy but when you do it, even if you suck, you'll feel so high! I think we're condemned to taste the pleasure of fighting our way. a natural PUA has more fun with women, but he doesn't know about the pleasure we get for fighting our weaknesses.
I'm so excited I'm going out to make some approaches right now. and you know what? I'm GONNA SUCK!! guess this is pathetic! maybe I'm turning into an approach nerd.

 

[kratosnofear]

Luke, it seems to me like you care to much about her reaction while approaching. You shouldn't care at all about that. Women are your toys to play with for your own entertainment. You're goal isn't to get a number, get a date, get a kiss, or even get laid. Your goal is to entertain yourself while your out and about, to make your day more spontaneous and exciting everything else is a by-product of that. It doesn't matter how hot or smooth you are a women will always feel uncomfortable when a stranger approaches them, that's the whole point. You're taking them out of their comfort zone and giving them the opportunity to embrace the moment or not. You could say anything just as long as you actually say something.

This is my basic routine when I can't think of anything (vary it up when needed but realize that most girls will say no):

Hi (or excuse me)... I was wondering are you as interesting as you look?

-if she says yes/maybe/don't know or something positive then tell her something about her that caught your eye ("I like the way you carry yourself" is an easy one), then tell her you'd like to get to know her better and invite her to coffee, if that fails then go for the number/email and if that fails then say "well you certainly were an interesting/uninteresting person" and walk/look away

-if she says no then say "that's ok, don't be too hard on yourself" and walk/look away (once you get comfortable with approaching and rejection you can start to salvage the no's because most girls say it out of habit, an example would be to act as if she said yes but lead it off with "well I was certain you were an interesting person because you carry yourself in a way that makes you stand out among most women (or whatever you noticed about her) and I don't approach just anybody, I'd like to get to know you better over coffee and decide for myself how interesting you really are" )

Of course once you get better you'll improvise a lot more and try to build more rapport before asking for coffee/number but this is a good non threatening way to go about it.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

DAY THREE

Talked to the secretary and said this...."you look like a grape popcicle".

She was wearing a purple top with black bottoms and pointed heels and she looks like an hb9. She just looked at me.

Someone else in the room laughed at my comment.

I was tempted to tell her, I just feel like licking up a popcicle today, but kept my mouth shut.

The thing is, this secretary is friendly - I could just ask her out or something, but haven't come to doing anything, she even told me she was single, all I've done so far was just practise flirting with her now and then.

 

[tmpgstx]

Luke, these girls know what you want when you are approaching them. They know you want to stick your greazy shriveled up dyck in them. They also know that you'll probably be shaking as you do that too.

How do you expect her to spread 'em and feel like she's taming a Lion? Get some edge, none of that 8th grade flirting BS that she knows won't lead to her treasure trove.

Tell her she looks sexy in that top, and give her the sly mischevious "I could have you anytime i wanted" smile and walk away.

You want it, you got to project it and take it.

That's how we do it in the USA Get her done son.

 

[datsexynigga2009]

dont worry u will get over it,just start going outside more and become more relax and comfortable,trust me ur shy and nervous for now it eventually leave when your more social,become confident and then boom ur gettin some hoez!

 

[Luke Skywalker]

David D'Angelo's lines make me feel like a dork to actually implement them.
He says on his email, that one should approach women with the idea that no matter how this goes (and it doesn't have to go perfect), I'm going to learn something that will help improve my skill. Or that this is a necessary affirmation in order to have a healthy frame to go about this.

In the mean-time, I'm trying to get out my shell with some lame brain openers like 'Can I ask you a question? You look exotic, let me guess where you are from." Can make obvious guesses, or can play around with it, and say something totally incongruent with where they may obviously be from - in order to elicit laughter - for example, someone who looks Indian, guess that she is from Africa or China, someone who looks Asian, guess that they are from Africa, etc... or throw in Greenland or Antartica as a deliberately dumb guess.

That's how that opener can be developed as an ice-breaker with a bit of a laugh on it. And if there is any 'let me guess you accent', then mock her accent in a bit of an exagerrated way to get her to laugh or something.

Ok, so that's the 'You look exotic' opener that I've developed on my own with my own experience and am still working on.

*************

In a sence, sometimes you just have to find your confidence or level of comfort with these approaches. Unfortunately, begging women to give me attention because I'm shy and trying to overcome it, just doesn't click with me for now - but I would like to try it out when I get a bit more good with openers - maybe I'll just do a shy opener a few times as well with non-exotic women.....'Hi, I'm trying to overcome my shyness by talking to five women today, and thought I'd start with you since you seem nice, and try and hold a convo' --- but it still feels dorky, it's like, I'd rather just go up and say 'Hi, how are you, I think you look hot, but I'm curious if there is more to you than just another pretty face,....and whatever else comes to mind after I guess.

**********

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Getting slightly more comfortable with approaches - when I approach female friends / people in a familiar environment, like my office, then I like to see what I say to approach them and start a convo, then use that as a basis for other people.

Today - I tried 'starting a convo' by asking the question 'would you like to talk'? with a girl who was sitting down, and of course she said yes, and we talked a bit.

The exotic opener - which I've developed and applied to an approach competition seems to be a cool opener - I'm thinking of expanding on that -- again, first step is to put some fun into it by guessing unlikely locations to make a mockery of it. For example, guess and Indian girl is from China.

Whatever is occuring now, seems to be really cool - but I also think I should just get into the habit of talking to everyone that I meet on a day-to-day and look at how I approach someone I'm comfortable with approaching and start a convo and just do it on a cold approach afterwards. Or better yet, try out some cold approach concepts out on people I already know -- for example, ask the secretary the question that's posited 'what does it take for you to be attracted to a man? etc....'

 

[GamePlan]

I don't think cold approaching is a good strategy for a shy person. It just doesn't make any sense for a guy who has problems with socializing to try and meet women in the hardest way possible.

I have to agree with that completely.

I think everywomanshero who's a psychology major or something like that(?) once told me in my approach journal, that the people who took it step by step were waaay more likely to succeed than those who tried to flood themselves in short periods of time.

I think one could also put it this way: If you try to do (way) more than you can, you might end up dissappointed and give up, so instead try building your way up slowly.

That being said, I think it's great you want to approach, but I think this de Angelo stuff "Hi Im trying to overcome my fear of approaching women blabla" is WAY harder than just saying something contextual. I bet Ill be able to say something contextual, osmething that fits the situation whatever it is..way earlier than doing stuff like "Hi, Im a shy mofo and Im trying to overcome my fear of meeting women" LOL.

I mean why make it harder than it has got to be?

Maybe you see it differently, though..and you find the d'Angelo approach easier? I can just speak for myself and know that I wouldnt...

 

[Luke Skywalker]

That being said, I think it's great you want to approach, but I think this de Angelo stuff "Hi Im trying to overcome my fear of approaching women blabla" is WAY harder than just saying something contextual. I bet Ill be able to say something contextual, osmething that fits the situation whatever it is..way earlier than doing stuff like "Hi, Im a shy mofo and Im trying to overcome my fear of meeting women" LOL.

That's just the thing. I think I have to practise that line on people I already know before I try it out on a complete stranger. If you never tried that line before on anyone, I think it's too hard to make an approach because you just feel like a dork using someone else's lines or mind-set and doing something that's totally out of character.

At the end of the day, I had to figure out doing approaches or openers that I'm comfortable with doing, that are congruent with my mind-set and personality or level of comfort. I still dont get it how something that's supposed to be basic and easy to do is even more difficult than more complex openers (i.e. opinion opener, who do you think lie more, women or men?), etc...

Maybe you see it differently, though..and you find the d'Angelo approach easier? I can just speak for myself and know that I wouldnt...

IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I ended up making my own openers up - and I invented a new one called 'the exotic opener' - you see an exotic girl, you try to guess where she is from and - challenge her to guess where you are from -- that's what is working in my approach arsenal right now - but it only works on exotic looking chicks.

Just going up to someone and asking them if they would like to chat sounds better than that dorky David DeAngelo stuff.

 

[Ryan69]

Whats wrong with just saying hi ?

I dont care how shy you are anybody can say H I. If you see a girl say everyday at work or school and you say hi whenever the chance it slowly breaks the ice and eventually you will stop and talk face to face

You gotta work on a girl over time. Chicks dig it anyway


If you just get in a girls face with a bunch of nonsense her guard will go up


you gotta grind her down slowly. This is why University, College, Work, bar with regulars etc are the best way of meeting people

very few people hit it off right away.