appreciate outsider's perspective -

[Heretolearn]

Hey,

Appreciate some external viewpoints.

After my former LTR relationship I now feel so much less confident. Before I was doing things and I knew I could do anything. Eg, if I wanted a girl, she was mine no matter what. I would get knocked down a million times but not even notice. BF or no, it was just a matter of time.

Now, since the LTR end and this site, I have never met so many women in my life. I have had a much broader success rate but just have no confidence. I mean I am just going through the motions. I do not feel anything. I get rejected, move on. I get success, move on.

Nothing is really doing it for me. The only girls I have been seriously interested in since have had BFs. I am doing the email thing with them but am not going for it which I would have done in the past. I tell myself it is because of me getting hammered in my former LTR (the girl liking someone else) and that I do not want to do that to another.

To be honest though, such a strong part of me does not care about that. I am really trying to control this and chill out. It is not like I know the women that much either.

Also, for some reason I am attracting much younger girls. Or maybe I am imagining it. Apart from some people I chill out with for lunch some things like this happen:

*am I imagining this -

** Walking home from a party and a sportscar with two good looking girls all done up pulls up and one says 'got a light' Me : *not even thinking 'I do not smoke, good luck with that' and walked off.

** I really hate smoking!

The car zooms past and then I realise neither had a cigarette in sight.


At the video store, I chatted with one cute girl there behind the counter for a while then her friend came over to jump into the conversation because we were laughing. (her friend was good looking too but had a negative vibe try hard 'I am cool' vibe

Anyway, the next week when I am there, I was searching through the racks alone and they both came over and stood right next to me. I just kept looking through the videos and gave them no attention (did not even look up). Then they walked off.


* could it be that I am subconsciously more tuned in to younger girls because my former LTR was really mature with house and life set out, talked about marriage and love then left me?

Any takes on this and explanations?

 

[STR8UP]

You are still in a post relationship funk. Happens to the best of us.

I can honestly say that it took me a couple of solid months after my last relationship before I could really get on with my life. That basically means that only in the last month or two have I really snapped out of the unhealthy self pity and whatnot that comes from having a relationship end due to a betrayal of trust.

It only gets easier. I would recommend forgetting about picking up women for awile and concentrate on making new friends and having a good time. I have found that since I started to meet new people (male and female) without having any expectations of finding a relationship or easy sex or whatever, that the women situation is simply starting to fall into place. I suppose this is in direct relation to the theory that states that you should work on yourself first, everything else will follow.

As for the attracting younger women thing, I have the same "problem". As hard as I try to meet someone my age I just can't seem to find one that is attractive enough or single enough or whatever. So for now I'm just rolling with the punches. Just do yourself a favor and avoid getting too wrapped up in a relationship type situation with a chick who is in her early 20's. They just don't have the insight that allows them to have a healthy long term relationship. And you don't want to have to spend all of your time compensating for that fact. Trust me, I know from experience.

 

[Heretolearn]

thank you str8up!

I am trying and thought I was just focusing on me and making friends right now!

But everything I do right now, work, friends etc. is GREAT in the moment but fades into nothing the other times.

Like I am completely living in the moment then forgetting it. As in catch up with friends GREAT then forgotten. At work I am so chilled out as I just do not care. I should really be very stressed out right now.

I am still going to treat myself like I am stressed out though as you are defintely right about me not being out of the woods yet with the breakup.

I never thought this could be so severe!

Seriously - wow

 

[ElChoclo]

The girls asking for a light story sounds just like the ending to Dumber and Dumber where the babes ask one of them if they know where they could find some "oil" boys to presumably rub something on them before they display themselves in their bikinis. His reply is to the effect that there is a town just a few miles up ahead. Then he tells his friend remarking that some lucky guy is going to get the job, and his friend starts hitting him.

There are only 2 possibilities, either you think you are attracting younger girls but in reality are not, or you actually are attracting them. If you are in reality attracting them, then you must be doing something different. If it's because of a change of technique then that could explain it. Look at what you've changed.

You won't be complaining about attracting young women when you enter your fifth decade of life on this earth. So that "problem" will cure itself.

There is probably a category of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for what ails you, adjustment disorder, dysthymia, but putting a label on it won't change it. Maybe you could try targeting the opposite spectrum of girls, the really serious ones whose biological clocks have gone off. That might put things in perspective.

 

[Heretolearn]

I do not want to target any girls! * Right now I have never felt more like I want everything to work out for me without any effort.




I know it sounds silly.

I am such a crazy dude right now. A 20-21 year old who I was just chatting to was saying 'wow, look at your muscles' - I got so self conscious and shy it was ridiculous - my response was some stupid thing to attempt to hide my embarrassment then I left.

It is quite funny to look at from the outsiders perspective


* Being absolutely honest, I have always focused externally I guess. Breakups were the girls loss and her issues etc etc. Now I am taking responsibility for everything and it is smashing me around!