Any other guys grow up without a father figure?

[RSanders219]

I grew up without a father in my home. It was just my mom and I, I would see my father 1 day every week (most of the time every other week). He wasn't really the best father either. He never really gave me advice on how to get anything done, just to do it and often times he was abusive. Now don't get me wrong I still love my dad and we have plenty of great times together, but I feel like he never really helped me learn the male role in society.

My mother, my aunt, cousin(who was pretty like my sister most of my life) and grandmother on the other hand would often talk down about my father and I believed most of this when I was young and sort of grew up with a bad image of him. (Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy in some ways, but in other ways he's a bad person.) But a lot of this talk lead to me not wanting to spend time with him.

Now, I'm starting to believe growing up in a house with all women constantly complaining about my father and other men may have affected me psychologically. Not only them complaining about my father and men in their life, but I was sort of the butt end for jokes in the house (since I'm the only guy, I would make an easy target). These jokes sort of sinked deeply into my emotions and insecurities in life, even though I know now they were all fun and games, it affected me when I was younger and was not yet mature enough to realize this. These insecurities led to anxiety throughout junior-high, highschool, and some of college. I could also see these anxieties become prevalent during highschool relationships where I would often not stand up for myself when my girlfriends would talk down on me(even when they were the ones making a poor decision/action).

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the women in my family as a problem for being AFC for so long, I believe it's because there was no male figure to look up to in the household.

Now, I am moved out and have had much luck dating and meeting new women in my current area.. Especially since I found sosuave, this site has helped me tackle those anxiety and overcome this pseudo-fear of being social with women.

Just wondering if any other guys on here have similar stories to share on the topic of a lack of a father figure in the house?

 

[SeymourCake]

I grew up with a father that I was never close to and never build a father-son relationship. Him and my mother would constantly argue and never showed love for each other. He died on valentines day in 2002 when I was 12 years old.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Yes, a father figure is critical for a boy's successful transition into manhood. I grew up with a fairly absentee father (worked crazy hours and spent almost no time with me at home). Beer and the lounge chair on the weekends.

I grew up with a very angry, unstable mother and three sisters, no brothers. With my father largely absent, I had no idea under the sun why the household was such an utter madhouse. For women and one little boy do not a healthy psyche make.

He died two years ago and I have forgiven him for his shortcomings, because he was probably only repeating how his father had been with him.

Recently I came to the full realization that he never taught me much of anything at all. He taught me the mantra, "work hard", and perhaps a VERY few other practical things, but nothing about being a man and making something of myself in this world.

But we are the vanguard for change in this world, men. We are raising our own and others' awareness as we participate in this forum, about the importance of men stepping up to the plate and seizing their rightful place of leadership and responsibility in the home.

When we come to the realization that living in a household of women has damaged us, we can take comfort knowing that we can change and heal over time by providing for ourselves the parental role model that was missing. We can learn to encourage ourselves, and to improve our station in life one little tiny step at a time. We are collectively turning out backs on the societal "Toxic Shame" about being a man, and we have each other for support if only we will band together to provide that support.

I don't think this is pie in the sky thinking. I think I am noticing a subtle shift here at SS where mutual respect is becoming a little more pronounced and senseless flaming is diminishing a bit. I think a realization is growing that we do have the power to make a difference in society but we must band together and support each other insofar as is possible.

Check out the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (I forget the author's name but I'll try to edit it in later). I don't agree with everything the author says, but he has a good handle on our having grown up in a femminized society, and he can help you to accept your masculinity in defiance of the shaming that is permeating our society.

 

[Nygard]

My dad has not been a father figure at all. He pretty much has not given a damn about me unless he's drunk or needs help with his cellphone. For my brother on the other hand, always had him AND my uncle as father figures and they actually taught him their seduction experiences and tricks. Do I have to tell who has gotten laid more than 200 times and who speaks to a girl twice a year?

 

[Strelok]

80% of the people in this forum are here because some assh0le simply failed in doing his job and they are trying to fix it.
Nothing wrong with them,they are just a boat where no rudder has been properly mounted,needless to say that one thing is to mount a rudder while the boat is in the workshop and an other is to mount one after the boat has been assembled.

The only worst thing than not having a father figure is having as assh0le who spend his time drinking and dropping his anger on his family.
It's not a matter of seduction or girls,those things are a direct conseguence of the stability of an individual.

 

[Boxer]

My dad was always working for months at a time when I was growing up. I never liked it when he was home anyways. I basically grew up with a mom and 2 sisters. I wanted to play house, barbies, and makeup. Because that was my social norm. It's what I was raised around. I was a pretty peachy kid that was a mommas boy. I fortunately fixed that. I do think the reason for being an AFC in my past was due to not having a masculine father figure in my life.

 

[BigJimbo]

Who cares. Most of the world doesn't have a father figure. Momma does all the work. Men don't change diapers, don't cook, don't clean, and don't get divorced. Just look at places like Italy, Spain, etc. Men are king.

 

[Strelok]

You completly got the point,aint u bj?

 

[Zodiac]

Just wondering if any other guys on here have similar stories to share on the topic of a lack of a father figure in the house?

I grew up in a Military family where my Dad was always gone overseas doing whatever his job was. Due to this I lived with my Mom, Grandfather and Grandmother. My Grandmother had BPD so my Grandfather as I found out worked double shifts all the time to stay away from her.

So I was left in a home to be raised by a BPD woman and a Hoarder from the South. Great role models right? By age 10 when my Grandfather passed away and my Dad and I had a talked I realized my rolemodels were bat**** insane and I became my own man.


Also BigJimbo you explained your own question. Men in this country aren't men anymore as they are raised in a matriarchal situation and are told just enough so they end up like the way you explained. Women are at fault for the reason men "Need" women.

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

I hear you man. My dad was great at teaching me how to build/repair things and always had advice about going to college, but showed me absolutely nothing in the way of social skills. His father was equally avoidant of social situations and discussion, and therefore neither my dad nor I grew up in a social environment.

I had to watch my male friends and read books and internet postings in order to learn social dynamics. It's made things harder for me, but I'm enjoying tremendous success relative to where I was before. I just thank my lucky stars that a friend turned me on to this website in 10th grade, and that I had a couple of very strong 'role model' type friends in high school to act as a positive influence.

Nowadays I'm aware-enough of conversational norms that it has become frustrating to spend more than a day or two with him, because his communication skills are far below my own and I feel like there's no point in bringing it up because he's near retirement age and probably wouldn't change anything - it would only serve to insult him.

 

[theWoofhound]

I had a great dad. He was the typical logical provider, and did all kinds of great things for people that I still hear about today. When I was 15 my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. As a result, my mother became extremely depressed and began drinking... she drinks to this day. Psychologist agree that a father (or father figure) is very important to a child's development, but it's hard to really understand how with that statement alone. Here are some of the ways I've been effected and some of the things I've come to learn over the years about that particular situation.

-Never learned how to date or be a gentleman: Though I found myself asking questions concerning this matter, I found that I intuitively knew how to do this from having watched my mom and dad's relationship. This doesn't apply, for you I understand, but it might help you in this aspect. When are parents fail to raise us in a happy nuclear situation we can learn from their mistakes. That's the stance I've taken from being virtually abandoned by my mom. We can either do the natural thing (treat our partner how our parents treated us) or learn from their mistakes. To some extent I do both.

-Wasn't taught how to handle relationship problems: This has been a big one recently. I just got out of a relationship with a girl who, I'm relatively certain, has borderline personality disorder. Since I lacked a father figure when I was forming the sexual/relationship aspects of my personality, I tend to be a push over. This girl had me picked out from the start, and let me tell you... she walked all over me and had me jumping every time she said so. I feel like if Dad had been here he would've advise me on such things.

I find myself collecting father figures: I've come to understand that this is typical for men with absentee fathers (as a side note; it tends to spawn promiscuity in females... had to deal with this with the BPD girl). I'll give you an example... I'm 27 years old, and one of my greatest hobbies/my side job is woodwork. I have three mentors in this, and they are all my father's age or older. It takes a little while to get close enough for me to get comfortable talking personally with someone like this, but once I do I really enjoy the advice they give. Its also worth noting that all of the father figures I've collected are happily married.

I hope this helps you in some way. I know for me finding that I wasn't the only person to have a relationship with a BPD girl made me feel better.
Wish you luck,
Woofhound

 

[AttackFormation]

I've learned absolutely nothing of being a man from either my dad or my mom's husband, except how not to be. Eventually I decided to be my own father figure pretty much.

 

[theWoofhound]

I've learned absolutely nothing of being a man from either my dad or my mom's husband, except how not to be. Eventually I decided to be my own father figure pretty much.

Well said, friend. Some people watch other people F*** up and say "that must be the right way to do it." Other people (smarter people) watch people F*** up and learn much the opposite. We're all gonna make mistakes, but it silly to make the same mistakes our parents did.

 

[qwayqway]

I have only a couple memories of my father before he moved out when I was about 6, and they involve violence (beating my mother, fighting my brothers). My father was a piece of sh1t and that's probably what led me to be a dysfunctional youth. I didn't get out of the gutter (drug use, crime, complete lack of responsibility) until I was mid 20s, no one taught me otherwise, my brothers grew up with a worse dose of it then I did and all my friends were in the exact same boat, none of us had a dad at home or a positive male role model to look up too. I don't think any of this effected my game, I had more sexual partners between 16-22 then most guys due in part to that life style, and it was a serious girlfriend at 22 that actually helped me get my life somewhat straightened out. It did seriously set me back in life though, I just didn't care about anything until most kids were already graduating from college. But hey, its the least of my worries now, things could absolutely be worse.

 

[Thundernuts]

My father left the house when I was four months old. First time I spoke to him I was four months old. The second time I was thirteen. And I met him for the first time when I was twenty. My mother is one of those women with a boat load of red flags and I can understand why he left her. My older brother got to go and spend. Time with my dad when they were younger but I wasn't allowed to.

Anyone want to guess who grew up being a complete afc???

 

[zekko]

When we come to the realization that living in a household of women has damaged us, we can take comfort knowing that we can change and heal over time by providing for ourselves the parental role model that was missing.

My dad died when I was 15, and was unhealthy for awhile before that. I always thought that he died right around the time when I would have started to appreciate a male example. My mom did the best she could after that, she was great, but I definitely missed out on having that male role model.

 

[pbsurf]

Yes, a father figure is critical for a boy's successful transition into manhood. I grew up with a fairly absentee father (worked crazy hours and spent almost no time with me at home). Beer and the lounge chair on the weekends.

I grew up with a very angry, unstable mother and three sisters, no brothers. With my father largely absent, I had no idea under the sun why the household was such an utter madhouse. For women and one little boy do not a healthy psyche make.

He died two years ago and I have forgiven him for his shortcomings, because he was probably only repeating how his father had been with him.

Recently I came to the full realization that he never taught me much of anything at all. He taught me the mantra, "work hard", and perhaps a VERY few other practical things, but nothing about being a man and making something of myself in this world.

But we are the vanguard for change in this world, men. We are raising our own and others' awareness as we participate in this forum, about the importance of men stepping up to the plate and seizing their rightful place of leadership and responsibility in the home.

When we come to the realization that living in a household of women has damaged us, we can take comfort knowing that we can change and heal over time by providing for ourselves the parental role model that was missing. We can learn to encourage ourselves, and to improve our station in life one little tiny step at a time. We are collectively turning out backs on the societal "Toxic Shame" about being a man, and we have each other for support if only we will band together to provide that support.

I don't think this is pie in the sky thinking. I think I am noticing a subtle shift here at SS where mutual respect is becoming a little more pronounced and senseless flaming is diminishing a bit. I think a realization is growing that we do have the power to make a difference in society but we must band together and support each other insofar as is possible.

Check out the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (I forget the author's name but I'll try to edit it in later). I don't agree with everything the author says, but he has a good handle on our having grown up in a femminized society, and he can help you to accept your masculinity in defiance of the shaming that is permeating our society.

Love this response.

I"m fairly new to this site and to be honest, have a hard time taking some of it seriously because of some of the macho posturing. But I get it - this is actually a much better problem than the opposite approach (spend some time on enotalone to find out what I mean)

BUT... I do find some of the most personal and real stories i have ever come across - not trying to get squishy here but the need for advice on how to be a MAN is, to me, at a crisis level in society today, and from what I can see, SS is one of the only "open source" ways to get this advice...

And lots of it comes down to OPs original question. As a father of 3 boys, i think about this constantly...

 

[PeasantPlayer]

I did it....but I know what I need to fix

 

[Premo]

My parents got divorced when I was 7 years old .. before that my dad was my hero .. when they divorced my mom and bro and sis moved several states away and i rarely ever saw my dad. It def had a major impact on me since I thought it was somehow my fault and had a negative impact on some of my beliefs about myself. It was only later that I began to find out my dad had some messed up issues w alcohol, cheating, drugs, etc. I was able to still go to college and become pretty successful in life in terms of career but I would say not having a dad in my life has and continues to be a source of pain and one that you have to address.

 

[Dhoulmagus]

My parents divorced and my mom has issues, so I ended up with my dad. My dad was your basic white knight and thought women deserved their **** to be eaten. My sister got all the benefits, but he remarried like 3 times and he would put more attention on his wife. He never taught me anything about women or life, but I pretty much learned from his mistakes.